Voice of Ree-son

Oh Ye Oh Ye! What a Merry Christmas this promises to be!

2007-12-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

Hi there strangers! (who is the strangest one here - I vote for ME!)
So I haven't been a-blogging for a while, because I'm too busy, but I'm not going to waste time making excuses on my own page for not blogging, because SERIOUSLY!
Instead I will be lamenting this past year.
Last night I ree-organised my photos and happened upon last New Year's photos from Rustlers Valley. It seems appropriate that I start my lament there.
When we went to Rustlers, I met Melody.. Mr Taurus' cousin, and I instantly fell in love with her (in a non-lesbian way). I knew when I met her that it was the Universe that brought us two super-powers toghether. We became the very best of friends. The holiday ended with Mr Taurus telling me that he does not want to be in a relationship at this point in him life.. which i understood completely (being myself a pathological commitment phobe) and assured him that I was fine with that. I wasn't really, since I really do love him very much. It's the kind of Love that does not expect anything from the other, but that that Love is returned. There were no rules, nou boundries and no limitations to my Love. Maybe that scared him. Or maybe he was unaware of my true feelings, since I lied about it in order to assure him that I would be ok. I know now that that was to my own detriment.
Since then, I tried many times to get over him.. but those feelings not only remained.. I believe that they became stronger.
But nevermind that.
So, the year started off with a bang.. (i'm so funny sometimes!) and back I went to a job that was draining all the life from me.. but atleast I could pay my own rent.
I jumped off a cliff when we went Gorge Jumping for my friend Dandilion's birthday and it was by far the most exciting thing that I have ever done.
The company where I was working closed and I had to find a new job FAST! At least I had managed to finish my degree by this time, so I quickly got a job at a magazine. Things went well..ish. It was really great very challenging. I got to write some of the reviews and even did some research of my own into articles. I wrote one.. which went into the archives..silencing my attempts to raise awareness about E-waste.
A nobel cause!
I went to Sun City with a friend and had a wild old time. So wild infact, that I made a lot of mistakes that i would later pay for. Such is the law.
I went to Oppikoppie for the 1st time and my life and had such a freakin good time that I will forever be going, from now on.
mmm.. Then my internship ended at the magazine and they wouldn't give me a contract because I didn't have my own car.. which kindof sucks, but nevermind that. I found a job temping and have been doing that ever since..
In the meantime, I graduated from Varsity - which I NEVER thought would happen..
I was robbed a couple of times - losing my cellphone and the last time my beloved laptop..
A couple of times the Ocean claimed my phones.. She's always been kindof a bitch to me, but i think we understand eachother now.. So now I am on my 5th Cellphone for the year, 2nd laptop and 3rd job. Quite eventful. I saw the Lion King, I saw the Grimm Faery Tales, and went to the 46664 concert!!!
I've met really interesting people and have said goodbey to a few as well. Life has actually been good, considering that it could have been worse and that I still have my sanity (debatable).
Though it has been tough going, 2007 has not been that unkind when I think about it.
I did manage to tell Mr Taurus that I love him, and I now know that he loves me too. Nothing has really changed, but then I wasn't expecting it to. Because I'm chickenshit, I wonder if he really understands exactly HOW MUCH I love him, but that seems irrelevant now. At least I am loved in return, and that's all that matters.
I'm doing Yoga again and that has made me so happy! I'm learning Poi, so that is also adding to my happiness AND I bought a Levi Jean, which makes my butt look hot and that makes me very happy. I love my current boss and I'm sure she and I will be friends for the rest of our lives.
I am grateful for my health and for my good fortune to have had a wonderful education. I am thankful for my wonderful family and my super amazing friends.
They make me a better person. I am grateful that I have so much Love in my life and that there is Hope in the world.
This New Years, I will be spending with Mr Taurus in Capetown.. a very similiar situation than last year, except I am much more confident and relaxed about the whole thing. I cannot wait for the clocks to be ree-set and for a whole new life to begin. Who knows, hopefully I will even have a new job in the New Year!!!
I wish you all a very happy Chistmas and New Year, and i pray that we will all remember that regardless of your religion, Chrismas is about unconditional Love. May we all experience a Love that forgiving and graceful. Peace be the journey! And remember kids! SAVE OUR CLIMATE!

A quicky to satisfy my audience..

2007-09-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since you've heard from me, my faithful subjects!
My life has changed over and over again in the last couple of months, which is good, because change is good. These changes have been significant and i'm sure that they will turn out to have been for the best. I'm trying positivity. The law of attraction. Oh, one exciting thing that happened is that I have graduated! Yay me!
Anyway, so I'm working now, trying to pay the rent and cover the basics, so while things are quite hectic, it's also rather uneventful, except for the aforementioned incidences that is known only to those involved in my daily existance. Uuhhmm.. and I've become totally addicted to facebook. That's pretty much my life... but do not despair loyal bloggers! Your Queen will never abandon you! I shall return! this time, with something to say. Peace be da journey!!!

Fear of Failure

2007-06-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

Last year about this time, I had a nervous breakdown. I've come a long way since then, but I haven't really gotten over my fear of failure. I'm afraid of disappointing everyone..
Anyway, so lets hope that my freaking out about how this last exam went down, is just me freaking out, and not me failing the exam.
And if I passed, then I will be a graduate, and THEN what?

What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why? What? Where? How? Who? When? Why?

It's a strange strange world we live in, Master Jack (Daniels).

2007-05-30T04:56:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting on my balcony, minding my own business (reading Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins), when I hear someone screaming and swearing loudly.
I look down from the 4th floor and see this guy that lives in nr 15 storm out (he was the one yelling and swearing) screaming over and over again of how tired the was of these (insert f-word) people. Bad mojo was following this guy around, you could spot that a mile away. He was very angry as he got into his big and shiny BMW, slamming the door, the brakes screeching. He pulled his car into the parking lot only closer to the No Parking sign (inside a bush) got out of his car, slammed the door.
He then tried to rip out the sign from the bush and didn't manage it. He swore loudly once again and stormed back to his car, slammed the door and screeched off - only to return 10 mins later (with rope), swung his car around, slammed the door, tied the rope around the sign, got in his car, slammed the door and ripped the sign out with his car. All the while screaming how sick he was of these (insert f-word) people.

I still don't know which people.. He also deposited the now deceased sign into the Care-taker's parking spot. She later told me that apparently he had scratched his car against the sign, and that that was why he had taken his (rather significant) anger out on the poor sign. Correct me if I am wrong, but the sign (having been inside the bush) could not have scratched his car unless he had driven into the bush... right?

Weirdness... anyway, so I took down his license plate number and am now a witness.. Go me.

New horizons?

2007-05-23T06:46:00.001-07:00

Well, it's taken forever (quite literally) but I am finally in full view of the end of my studies.

This week I still have a mini-test, a huge test and a project due on Friday, and there-after, only the exam on the 06/06/07. A higher evil?
Then (if all goes according to plan) I graduate! Finally! After five long years of blood, sweat and many tears, I - Queen Ree - will be a graduate! Whoo-hooo! And you had better believe that there will be a HUGE party to mark this prestigious event.

That, and I have a job interview on Friday, which will hopefully open up many more doors for me. With the end of an era so close that I can smell it, there are a lot of things to be done before I can wip out the champagne.

All we have is Time

2007-05-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would just give an update.
Life is decidedly proceeding from day to day... nothing new really. I have started to watch "Heroes" and am enjoying it very much. It's so cool and intriguing and has many hotties to perve over..
Enough of that..I am anxiously awaiting some more Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy episodes.

I'm suppose to be studying for my Semester test, but am very sick (caught the office flu) and will probably have to write the sick test.
I finished my Learning programme and am anxiously awaiting feedback.. I must admit that in my hurry to finish it, i might have rushed it a bit.

What else can I tell you.. uhmmm.. OH! I'm reading "Anansi Boys" by Neil Gaiman and am loving every word! If I didn't have to go to work or study, I would never put it down.

Time is one of those infuriatingly unpredictable things. When you want it to pass quickly, it drags at an excruciatingly slow pace, but when you need it to drag, it speeds up like that little Mexican rodent Speedy Gonzales.
In Michael Ende's book "Momo", there are such things as Time-thieves: Gray men who go about conning people into investing their Time into a Timebank - thus leaving some spare time left over when you need it the most. The trick is apparently not to waste time. Unfortunately, it is all just an elaborate ploy to steal the Time and feed on it. Like Vampires. I wonder if that could ever happen?

Running towards...

2007-05-03T01:52:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a ride since the last time I wrote. No doubt you were all getting impatient to learn what had happened with the rather substantial amount of work that I had to do.
Well.. the long weekend was the perfect opportunity for one to catch up, but it's also a terrible waste to work all the time and not enjoy the rare opportunity to hang with ones friends.. I did do a lot of work this weekend, but by Sunday I had had enough of being indoors and desperately craved a communion with mother nature.
After I had finally managed to leave my flat, I felt much better. Cabin fever does weird things to people..
Anyway, I was force-fed Sushi and my fortune cookie said:
Don't follow a path. Go in your own direction and leave a trail.
I loved that. It means that all of my problems can be solved simply by changing my perspective and trying something unconventional.

So now its back to work and wonder above wonder - it's still there! I have projects and tests and and and, as well as a demanding job and attention requiring/deserving friends.
How will I find the time? By being magical, mystical and mysterious.. and doing it all at the same time, regardless of the ever-threatening possibility of failure.
The fear of failure should never be an excuse not to do it anyway.

Whoops! Gotta GO!

Don't really know what to make of this..

2007-04-23T02:30:00.000-07:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
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Global Personality Test Results

Stability (33%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion (73%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
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Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (53%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal (46%) you appear to have a good balance of self control and spontaneity, order and chaos, variety and selectivity.
Phallic (56%) you appear to have a good balance of sexual awareness and sexual composure.
Latency (43%) you appear to have a good balance of abstract knowledge seeking and practicality, dealing with real world responsibilities while still cultivating your abstract and creative faculties and interests.
Genital (56%) you appear to be somewhere between a progressive/openminded and regressive/closeminded outlook on life.

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Locus of Control Test Results

Internal Locus (36%) Individual believes that their life is defined more by their decisions and internal drive.
External Locus (64%) Individual believes that their life is defined more by genetics, environment, fate, or other external factors.

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Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%

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Indie Personality Test Results

59% Indie
Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very liberal, independent minded, self identify as an outsider, shun materialism and popular culture, and have an aversion to organized religion. While high scorers are more intellectual than average, they are probably more artistically astute than intellectually avante guard (i.e. they are more likely to know of new interesting new bands/artists/writers than the best way to extract energy from a hydrogen atom. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more materialistic, conservative, corporate friendly, social and are more likely to be religious.

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Cerebral Personality Test Results

56% Cerebral
Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very inquisitive, exploring, scientific, contemplative, self-examining, and philosophical. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more conventional, less curious and analytical, less focused on the big picture / global variables, and more comfortable identifying as part of maintream culture.

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Career Inventory Test Results

Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Inquisitiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%

You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

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Lessons learned, experience gained.

2007-04-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

What a weekend its been. I had a really tough time.. nothing that in the end , could not be handled though.
The production went really well. There was a hick-up here and there, but on the whole, it went rather smoothly. We had a wonderful team, who each excel in what they do. People enjoyed the shoe very much and had some interesting suggestions for next time. And yes, there will be a next time.
The Gallery also went really well - it looked amazing thanks to Harry for the wonderful job that he did there and the artists who are intimidatingly talented.
There was a situation, where a lot of money was missing, and I was frantically running around trying to find it, hoping against all odds that was not stolen, but realizing that that was probably what had happened. I was so freaked out - i don't have money to replace the missing money!!! So, there I was, running around like a crazy, when I get a call that the money had been found - that my Cosmic Cousin had had it all along, for safe keeping. I was so relieved, but still very freaked out. Running back to front of house, I hugged my CC and looked in the box.
The money was gone! It turns out that someone's Dad decided to pull a stupid prank on us: he hid it to make us think that the money was really gone this time. They let us go on freaking out for 20mins before they came clean about it, and I didn't think it was so very funny. In fact, I thought it was seriously fucked-up and cruel! When I thought that the money had really disappeared, I aged 10 years right there., on the spot. I wouldn't be surprised to find gray hairs on my head after this...
I am actually still in shock. i don't think I will ever speak to this persons' Dad again. He is an adult and Psychologist. He should have had better judgment!

Anyway, were that the only thing that flipped out, it would still have been fine.
My first catalogue/programme publication was a tragedy. I blame bad planning.
And yes, it was all my fault. I neglected to start the process early enough to hound people for content and for me to have enough time to check the proofs when it came back from the designer/printer. As it was, I received the finished catalogues 20mins before the show.
BAD REE!
The result was that there were a lot of type-o's, and important information was cut out. I was so upset over that. It was my fault for not checking - I'm a bad publisher- but to be fair, it was my first time. And the type-o's were sooooooooooooo funny. I'll never live that down!
I decided that rather than freaking out about something that is too late to change now, I am just going to accept it and take the lessons I have learned with me. It's done. There are only a few of them anyway, so they are collectors items now.
One day, when I am rich, famous and a lot more powerful, those first publications are going to be worth a lot of money. And they look amazing - at least they're real pretty!
If you want a limited edition first Queen Ree publication that can be used to make fun of me in the future, we still have some left. It's really funny!

As i've already said, I have learned a lot about this sort of thing and as an incredibly wise person told me: there are no such things as flops, as long as you can learn something from them.

I am going to need a break before I can do the next one.... I just need to catch my breath!

I am Superwoman in training!

2007-04-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! I am now OFFICIALLY a Publisher. I have just completed my first publication (our limited edition Gallery of Distorted Art catalogue/programme) and it looks.. in a word.. AMAZING! I am floating on air with joy! The print-run is only 100 copies, but the point is that I now get to call myself a Publisher with pride - no longer do I have an empty Publication portfolio! YEAH!!!

www.galleryofdistortedart.blogspot.com

Ofcourse, I had an amazing team behind me, so Guys and girl, YOU ROCK!!!
How fortunate I was to have met such amazing people who are so dedicated to art.

Speaking of art, here's an interesting bit of an article!

http://scienceblogs.com/omnibrain/2007/04/the_impact_of_failing_vision_o.php?utm_source=sbhomepage&utm_medium=link&utm_content=sublink

And now for something completely different: Halloween 2006 with Pandemonia, Misty and OhKyle!

To everyone who can make it to my Exhibition/Show, it's gonna blow your mind! Do enjoy!
Thanks to Queen Shakira (Queen Lestat) for blatantly spamming everyone about the show, and also to everyone else who did the same. I love you all forever!

yours,

The Queen.

Easter Madness

2007-04-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

As I boarded the bright Orange airplane that was to carry me home to Ballito, I reflected fondly on the many memories that I’ve already made there:

Christmas on the sundeck – Christmas after party in the hot tub; every party I’ve ever attended at my uncle’s house; girls night with my mom, cousin and aunt; almost drowning with Harry - two Easters ago; New Years beach parties that inevitably get too rough even for me; Moonlit nights on the beach with someone special – dreaming about what the future holds; sitting on a rock – staring at the Ocean – daring Her to come get me if she had the guts! Maybe that was a mistake. Especially since Ballito is right in the proverbial line of fire. Global warming is a bitch. After seeing the beaches post-springtide, I am more convinced than ever that too much harm has already been done.

All the memories on those beaches, and now I can’t event really gain access to them any more – you get fined for attempting it.

I remember a weird thing. Several years ago, I was living in Germany, and met a young British soldier named Danny. Danny and I took an almost instant liking to each other. I was all alone in a strange country, far far away from home and could not yet utter a recognisable word in German, nor could I understand anyone around me. English is not big there. That’s how I ended up meeting Danny. The soldiers were English and I needed friends. He and his friends teased me because my Post-Colonial South African English was much better than their British mumblings. Go figure. We started going out and for a couple of weeks it was bliss. I had never really had a boyfriend before – and not really since then (too full of shit).

Too make a long story short, it all ended rather abruptly. I had just been placed in another city and had to leave the next day. I went to look for Danny, to say goodbye. When we parted… I promised to write – and I did – but never mailed the letters. I kept them in a drawer and eventually tore them up and threw them away. I went on with my life and embraced it fully. I never heard from him again. I guess he might have been sent to Afghanistan or Iraq or someplace like that. Maybe he never returned.. Who knows? I don’t even remember what he looked like. I just remember his name.

Memory is like that. We hear a song, catch a whiff of a familiar smell or touch something that brings back a flood of memories. Sometimes memories just jump into your head randomly, and you have no idea what had just happened. I hope that I will be given a chance to make new memories in Ballito – ones that are just as extra-ordinary as the ones that the Indian Ocean had tried to wash away. I’m certain there will be many more moonlit nights. I also hope that I will get to know that feeling again. The one where someone adores me and tells me that they need only me in order to be really happy. Someone who can read my thoughts, who will know my true feelings without me having to say a single word, someone who will know all of these things immediately, just by noting the expression on my face. I can’t have blown my only shot yet; I was too young, ignorant and proud to truly appreciate it for what it was. There has got to be more of that on the way. More moonlit nights, more hand-holding, more passionate kissing, more knowing glances, more teasing, more drinking wine on the beach and dreaming about tomorrow. I hope to God that there is a tomorrow for all of these things to happen in. And I hope that wherever ghostly Danny is, that he is happy. Ok, that’s enough of that yucky love stuff!

I adore the East Coast. It is breathtakingly beautiful. It’s got the unruly and vicious yet disarmingly stunning ocean, the magnificent grass ocean; the hills; the swamps; the jungles; the soft, white sands; the cooling, fragrant breeze; the easy going nature of the people; the sunsets; driving in a car sightseeing; discovering new pieces of paradise; sunsets and perhaps even the sunrises (I must confess that I am rarely awake to see the sunrise) and the open-air.

So I decide to disregard the vicious assault that the Ocean had made on my home town and to embrace it anyway. I decide to go in search of an open beach, just to wet my feet. (You’ve gotta wet your feet, right?)

So off I go to wet my feet, find the only remaining “open to the public” beach and arrogantly stepped out of my shoes to (say it with me) wet my feet. Man, I had not been standing there for more than 3 seconds, when this huge mother of a wave comes along, sweeps me off my feet and tumbles me around a couple of times. Picture me, feet in the air, skirt up to my shoulders, stumbling around, trying to get a foot hold.

I nearly died laughing at the amazing irony. It was then that I realised that I had had my bag around me and that said bag was now a fishbowl. Yup, with my brand new Samsung D900 floating merrily inside. Goodbey D900! It’s been a hell of a 2 weeks!

I suppose it was my arrogance that did it. Please some one, remind me to tell you all the story about ‘The Ocean and I’ one day. It’s quite a good story. I guess that things like this happen to bring us back down to Earth, before it gets out of hand. Clearly, I was not ready for yuppy-scumhood.

The rest of the holiday, I spent driving in a car with a boy, sightseeing and enjoying the natural splendor that is Ballito, running to the shops, attempting to watch anime and listening to music. And sleeping. Sleeping soundly, like a baby! Oh Bliss!

By the time that I got back onto the Orange airplane and Mango Experienced my way back to Jozi, I was so incredibly relaxed as I haven’t been in years. Also… kinda sad to leave… Reluctant to leave Paradise behind….

When I reached Joburg, I met my Cosmic Cousin Mel D and we went to this function in Melrose Arch where I made eye contact with the SUPER FABULOUS Deon Chang! Wheeeeee!

Then we went out for a lovely dinner and went home after listening to some fine tunes. It was wonderful to be home again, even though I already miss everyone down at the coast. All that’s left now is to go back to the normal everyday work and play of, what I affectionately refer to as, my crazy life. Never a dull moment.

And hey! I’ve got an exhibition to plan and host, so I’d better get to work!

Diary of a Procrastinatrix

2007-03-29T01:17:00.000-07:00

Friday night. I should be studying, but I figure I still have the whole weekend to that. I don’t want to burn out now, do I?

So instead I have dinner at my Ho Momo’s house and over a generous helping of the most decadent Chocolate Salami and Apple Strudel, and lament on the Violet Piking who has evaded me now so faithfully for so many months. This of course, led to an even more much too often repeated story of how much I need to get laid. I really think I need help.

We were watching Sex in the City, and Momo was saying how much he is like a twisted cross between Carry and Miranda, and I remarked that I was a lot like Charlotte, with a lot of Samantha mixed in to form an intriguing yet hazardous combination. This discussion, suddenly brought back to my mind, the many T.V. characters I have either identified a lot with, or that others have said I resembled a lot in character and disposition. Here is a short list. I’ve been called Ally McBeal; Bridget Jones; the entire cast of Desperate Housewives (especially Bree); Dharma; Phoebie from friends; Grace of Will and Grace; Summer of The OC; Brenda in Six Feet Under and Meredith of Grey's Anatomy. Oh, and also Candace Bergen’s character in Boston Legal. A curios bunch of women...

Saturday. I’ve studied all morning and around late afternoon I decided to find out what my urban family are doing. Interestingly enough, they are just planning a quiet evening and I, desperately in need of a quiet evening, invite myself over and we decide to get wine. You can’t stay in and not have wine! Plus, I’ve been studying so hard, I deserve a break! We end up watching that movie Pulse and I’m scared shitless – cause I’m a weenie. I end up sleeping on their couch, only to wake up the next morning, knowing full well that I should be at home, studying. I stay until after afternoon coffee. In my own defence, let me just say that I really did study when I got home.

Sunday. I’m cooking. I never have time to cook anymore, and this seemed like an excellent opportunity to do so. I know, I am the Queen of procrastination, but I’ve already studied some, I’m just making sure I have time to process all of this information, and a girl’s got to eat, right? Some baked vegetables on pasta, brain food!

Sundays I usually reserve for melancholy reflection on my life and remembering all the wonderful times with people I love. I usually get quite lonely, and inevitably reach for my phone. Are you familiar with the saying: a hundred contacts but none you can dial? I feel like a loser wanting to surround herself by people so that she doesn’t have to think about how alone she is. I also don’t want to phone someone up and pile all of my neuroses on them – I’d rather be alone for that – it’s frightfully unattractive! Maybe I should stay away from Jack Johnson for a while…

Today was nice though. I started it surrounded by loved ones and now I’m supposedly too busy studying. Right. That’s why I’m typing instead of reading scientific journals. This is not me complaining. I’ve got it really good! I suppose spending so much time with couples would make any person feel kind of.. outnumbered. I’m an odd-number. Truth be told, even-numbers have always made me nervous. I like the numbers 3; 5 and 7. I distrust the numbers 1; 2; 4; 6 and 9. 10’s are good, and I adore 8’s, but that’s about it. Ok, I’ve just realised how crazy that sounds and also that I should be reading scientific journals, not going on about my irrational numbers-thing. Let’s try reading for a bit! .. I wonder if it will rain tonight…

Monday. I didn’t rain. If it did, I was unconscious, so - it didn’t happen. I spent the whole day studying… I keep telling myself that this isn’t like last year, when the pressure was on the success of the single test. This time at least, I’ll get other chances, so there’s no reason to give myself a panic attack. I’ve got such a huge pile of other things to do though, I have to finish the Goda poster, go see an artist who wants to exhibit with us, I have a million things to do when I get back to the office on Wednesday, plus I need to get started with that learning programme that I need to write. Anyway, stop fretting about what needs to be done and focus on the matter at hand – i.e. studying for my very important semester test.

I go to yoga and find that I have very little energy. I also find it very hard to let go and relax, but I guess that after Tuesday evening I will be a whole lot more relaxed.

I get home and have the long awaited emotional meltdown. People said that I should expect one after yoga, but I didn’t believe them. I didn’t believe them about the toxins leaving my body painfully, and that certainly happened, so I should have expected this. Emotional toxins need to come out as well, and since I’ve been under so much stress lately (the last 3 years), there was plenty of material for it to feed on.

Oh sweet sleep, I surrender myself to thee!

Tuesday morning. I wake up feeling refreshed and much better than yesterday. I’m also in no small amount of pain, but I’m used to yoga-aftermath. I look forward to a day of fun filled studying, topped off with a delectable semester test this evening. Better get to it. I hope it doesn’t rain on my hair when I walk to campus later…

Tuesday evening. As I was brushing my teeth before bed and reflecting on my day, I found myself making a few wishes. I wished that this damn Colgate Herbal would finish already, so that I could get a better-tasting toothpaste. I wished that I had studied a little more or had started earlier. And finally, I wished that I hadn’t taken so many chill pills before the test. I had been taking such good care of myself throughout the day.. I made sure that I got all of my vitamins in; I ate regularly to avoid low blood sugar; I drank 2 litres of water; I drank some camomile tea, brain-fuel tablets, Pharmaton fizzy; headache tablets and some mild sedatives (fear-of-experiencing-anxiety); I made sure that I was dressed warmly and paced myself the entire day – careful not to overload my brain and tire it out. I even managed to squeeze in a coffee with some old friends, before I went off to study some more. It was at this point that I decided to take some more sedatives, only two hours after I had taken the last ones.. and off I went to write my test. The test itself went… ok-ish. There were no unfamiliar concepts and I had rambled on enough to at least get me very close to passing! Then I went for a walk around campus, enjoying the solitude and the gardens and structures so much. They really made it nice for pedestrians.. So many trees and prettiness all around. The evening is so nice and cool and quiet! Anyway, so Harry and I finished the poster over copious amounts of coffee and I wondered if I shouldn’t take some headache tablets – but decided against it. I’m beginning to spot a trend here, and I want to nip it before it gets out of hand!

So now, all that’s left for me to do is to go and sleep off this buzz, if I can fall asleep with all this Caffeine in me. Perhaps a sleeping tablet? Just kidding!

No, I think I’ll be fine. It has just started to rain again.. you really can’t complain about the weather we’ve been having! - Except if you live around the coast or in Madagascar…

I see trees of green.....

2007-03-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

What are we doing to this world?

In Brazil they have started to use sugar cane fuel in order to 'be kinder to the environment'.
Now this seems like a wonderful idea at first, because fossil fuel is very harmful to the environment and is going run out anyway.
The problem comes in that now there is a demand for sugar cane fuel, the amazon rain forest is being demolished and burnt down in order to fill the demand.
Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose?
Don't they realise that they are only making things worse?
When is the human race going to learn that we are responsible for this devastation of our beautiful planet? When it's too late, that's when. In that way, we shall return to the nothing form whence we came, and it all will be lost.
I accept that there needs to be balance. I accept that the cycle of life and death has to complete itself , but why am I hearing more and more excuses and half-brain solutions than alternatives or real, sustainable solutions.
The earth is at war with us, its parasites.
Storms are getting worse!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

2007-03-13T03:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't blogged lately and I do apologize to the more fanatical of my fans. Yes you!
I've just been really busy, you know?
What with studying; going on courses; going to work every day; going to yoga;... It seems like I'm always going somewhere, but the question is whether I'm actually getting anywhere. I don't know. I'm happy, I know that much. Being busy has the added advantage that I don't have time to drive myself crazy.
I think i just need an adventure. Although, who the hell has time for adventure, I've got deadlines!

And now for something completely different: a picture of Jared Leto

If that failed to distract you, I don't know how else to make up for my boringness, other than to reflect once again on how much I miss being able to walk naked around the house... sigh.

Oh well, maybe I will miraculously become more interesting as the day progresses.
If not, I can always count on Tribecca's Chocolate Martini.

Hot Anime Boys.

2007-03-01T04:47:00.000-08:00

Now, I know this might sound weird. For as long as I can remember, I have had an unhealthy obsession with animated characters. Like, sometimes I would have dreams about them and in these dreams, I would be animated as well. Or I would dream that they came to life. I don’t really know if many other people experience the same thing, so I have compiled a list of the hottest anime characters that I could think of right away. See if you agree!

Ok, first off, I give you one of my all time favourites, Hatake Kakashi from Naruto.

Now, I realise I might be crazy, but Kakashi has featured in my dreams many times.

Then there’s Roy Mustang – the Flame Alchemist – from Full Metal Alchemist.

Next up, we have Amon, from Witch Hunter Robin. I guess I’m a sucker for the broody, troubled type. In this same category is Uchina Sasuke from Naruto.

Someone who is completely in his own category is Ichigo from Bleach. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm…. Ichigo…….

Another category is Howl, from Howl’s Moving Castle. He used to be blonde, but I like him better now that he has dark hair..

And then of course, who can resist a bad boy?

Here’s a list of my favourite bad boys:

Uchina Itachi;

Kimimaru;

Gaara and

Zabuza from Naruto
And who could ever forget that ultimate bad-ass Vicious from Cowboy Beebob.

Ok ok I admit it. I’m obsessed with anime character and Yes, I realise that they are drawn and not real.

Just to show you that I am able to perve over really real guys too, here’s one of the most sexiest dudes alive, Clive Owen…… sigh!

Probably the most random post in histo-ree.

2007-02-22T22:28:00.000-08:00

I finally finished watching Full Metal Alchemist. It got me thinking about death again. I don’t think death can ever truly be far from our minds. In ‘In Arcadia’, Ben Okri says that ‘when all the possibilities of life, when all the failures of a life so far, when all the despair, the fears, the worries are set against death, how feeble all our fears, worries and failures seem. The fear of death narrows the perspective of life, narrows it, and makes all of living shrink. The fear of death makes life not worth living. It makes life a sort of living death. For it gives death such power and such hegemony over every act of living. Fear of death makes death into a tyrant that commands all the laws and routes of living. It makes life surrender to death, to a future death, to a thing that has not yet occurred, and so it abolishes the entire scope and freedom of living while one is alive’. FMA the movie left a lot of questions unanswered and a lot of open threads. While it irritates me to ever rising levels to not know what happened with certain characters, I also kind of like the fact that it wasn’t tied up, all neat and tidy. Open endings mean that you can decide for yourself how the story ends. I always like a story to end where all of the characters fall in love and live happily ever after, even if I have to do some heavy self-convincing that that is what is taking place.. I blame Walt Disney. Another reason I like open endings (and I’m sure this is somehow also from Ben Okri – like everything else I say that sound clever), is that when a story is cleared up for the audience, it stops right where it says “the end”. When the story is open-ended, it kind of becomes immortal. It goes on and on and has different significance for each person who comes into contact with it, yet remain universal, regardless of age; gender; culture; etc. And thus it lives forever! So in a way, I didn’t so much finish watching Full Metal Alchemist as set it free to follow its own destiny, where ever that may lead it.

I've started watching Witch Hunter Robin and have already many midnight fantasies about one of the animated hotties. Before you ask, YES, I am aware that they are drawn... In my fantasies, so am I!

Oi! Maybe I’m watching too much anime… NAH!!!

What have I done!!!

2007-02-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

I feel so bad. I've always believed that you have to be careful about what you say, because your thoughts, words and ideas can become a reality just by being said out load.

I've also always believed that the planet Mercury is out to get me, especially this February and have been spewing all sorts of crap about it for weeks now, not wasting any time blaming everything that goes wrong on the fact that Mercury is in Retrograde. My Co-workers think I'm insane, but actually I'm just a Drama Queen.

So anyway, now I've gotten them believing that Mercury is out to get them too, because some of them have started to blame the red planet for a lot of things. At this point, I just have to mention that some pretty weird things have been going wrong... Maybe that's why otherwise rational people are opting to trust the words of the infamous office lunatic..

Is it possible that I made this happen? Could I be the cause of all this negative karma surrounding our office? It really seems like it's one thing after the other... Maybe I should have just kept my big mouth shut and have suffered in silence - like that's ever going to happen!

Still, I feel bad because if it is indeed my fault, I should be using my significant powers for good instead of evil! I should be finding solutions, not finding reasons why things don't work out!

Oh Heaven forgive me, I knew not what I was doing!

The Ree game.

2007-02-16T02:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Rob, I have started to play the name game. How it works is that you Google your name and the word 'needs', and search.

The reesults are as follows:

REE needs to build capacity by hiring more scientists

REE needs the Harris and Benedict [3] equations for adults

REE needs to purchase $2722529 this fiscal year.

REE needs to employ an anti-explosion design

Ree needs either to find him (?), or what happened to him, or the four of them will be turned out to the fields

ree needs a class in sensitivity and knows how to be a real human being

REE needs protection from EDC (?)

REE needs the agreement of the economy Ministry

Ree needs one and probably her MIL too, for the house down south

Ree needs to do a movie, a musical or something.

REE, is determined by what the body needs to run its involuntary metabolic processes

Ree needs to explore Funny Bunnies

REE persistence needs to be investigated in a more long-term study

REE has become technically easier to perform

Ree knows she needs to find her father to save her family but in a culture riven with secrecy and paranoia her questions are unwelcome

The Yanktons' head chief, Struck By The Ree

REE-C, you are a fucking ugly gorilla who needs to stop posting up 'sexy' pictures of yourself on your myspace page! you are fucking ugly and nasty (not a fan I guess)

The market surged with the explosion of REE

"'Course Ree, she always dances, anyway. She don't need to swim ...

The REE instrument examines personal recovery

REE needs under usual NH care conditions

I also found some other people named Ree:

http://ceaseresistancespankingree-again.blogspot.com

http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/

http://vampirefreaks.com/journal.php?u=Ree

and I found this bit of a book, featuring Ree:

The Dollys, introduced as enemies of the Redmonds in GIVE US A KISS, are the central figures in WINTER’S BONE (2006). Sixteen-year-old Ree Dolly keeps house for her mentally unbalanced mother, her two younger brothers, and her father, Jessup, the best meth cooker for miles around. Ree’s plan is to make it to seventeen, and join the army ("where you got to travel with a gun and they make everybody help keep things clean"). But Jessup has disappeared while out on bail, and unless Ree can track him down and get him to court, her family stands to lose the ramshackle house and the timber land that is all they have in the world. So Ree embarks on a journey of sorts, to the other members of her clan, seeking information on her father. Thwarted by everyone, lied to by her uncle and even viciously beaten by some of the womenfolk, Ree, indomitable, presses on until she gets the answer, and the proof, she so desperately needs. Ree is an absolutely memorable character. Her combination of stoic determination, tenderness towards her younger brothers and mother, mixed with her awareness of the code that her people live by, bring her vividly to life. Woodrell’s description of the hardscrabble backwoods of the Ozarks in the dead of winter, his use of the hillfolk vernacular and his characterization of the various members of the Dolly family draw you in to this world, just as foreign to most readers as New York or Los Angeles would be to Ree. Highly praised by all review sources.

Anyway, that just goes to show how popular I am :)

Thanks Rob! Now that I don't have a life either, I can atleast google myself. Ciao!

Will I need a red cape for this?

2007-02-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I went for my second yoga class and stretched in ways that I have never stretched before. I really surprised myself – who knew that I could do even half of those poses! When I went home I felt so powerful, like a super hero, which is probably why I had that dream..

We (shall remain anonymous) were all at Rustlers for some reason, but these bad guys from the future were there to stop something that happens in the future from happening.

Other people were there from the future as well, a guy and a girl, who said that they were here to stop the bad guys from stopping the said thing from happening. (I realise I am being terribly vague, I don’t really remember it all that well).

Anyway, so it turns out I am some sort of superhero and that the baddies wanted to stop me from being borne, only they had come to the wrong time/space. Their contingency plan was to stop me from getting my powers, which was said to happen any moment now.

They rounded all my friends up and where about to kill them, when I fell down the mountain that I was watching them from, grabbing on to a rope, swinging around, trying not to die.

As time passes in super slow motion, I get struck by lightning while dangling and reach the baddies just in time (presumably before they kill someone) and kick the main baddie in the head. Head goes flying. My eyes now do this sort of quicksilver/lightning thing and I can fly!

The goodies turn out to be my children from the future and while they refuse to give me any details, they say that something is going to happen in the future that involves me – I am the only one who can make a difference.

So much for that though… Hopefully I get to destroy Mercury! I wish I could remember more detail – could make a nice story!

Anyway, so I guess the Yoga left me feeling pretty empowered. Now if only I could learn to use my significant new powers for good instead of evil…

Plunging into the unknown.

2007-02-02T04:54:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I went Gorge Jumping at Graskop, Mpumalanga.

Now what, you might ask, does a Gorge Jump entail?

Well, you have to wear a full-body harness that is attached to a rather thin looking rope. Then you have to jump. It’s very flippen high. The theory is that you plunge into the Gorge for about 3 seconds when you are abruptly snapped as the rope reaches its limit. You then flip around and swing wildly for a while, until you are swinging more slowly. You are then basically suspended in the air and have to wait for someone to help you down.

The great thing about it is that it is really beautiful down there. I was a bit sedate at the time, but it was really wonderful. I wasn’t afraid at all, just a little bit hesitant when it came to actually jumping. You have to will yourself to jump. I sort of leaned into it and just surrendered myself to whatever was to happen next. I knew exactly what was underneath me, but was strangely resigned to whatever the results of my actions would be.

My friend and I jumped together, and we were strangely relaxed. We didn’t even scream or cry out. I just held me breath when we were falling and let it go only once we started swinging. The fall itself was too quick to even register – it was all over before I even knew it.

I was a bit disappointed at that – I had looked forward to the falling bit. I wanted more of an adrenalin rush, I guess. Next time I’m going to jump out of a Plane, I think that is the only way..

It was a great experience though... Being confronted by the reality of the situation and still coaxing yourself into action is no small feat. Especially if the situation in question entails you willfully putting your life in the hands of a suspiciously thin rope that has to carry the weight of two people. I feel like I can accomplish anything now. No more fear of heights! No more fear!

Life is too short, uncertain andunpredictable to worry about things that are beyond my powerto control. And those things that I can control - well - I'm not afraid of those things either.

i jumped off a freakin' mountain!!!

Anyway, the minute I figure out how to upload the footage onto Blogger, everyone will be able to see me and my friend plunge into the great nothingness!

Hey, can anyone tell me how I can repair my PC Karma?
I work on a computer every single day, but all computers hate me.

What can I do to rectify this situation?

When I was a young lass

2007-01-25T00:56:00.000-08:00

When I was a young lass, still in my Queenly training boots, there was a show on T.V. called Liewe Heksie - it was about a young witch who lived in a flower filled land, where the villains were ugly and the goodies were pretty. Everything was pretty much as it seemed. As I grew into a young adult, i realised that I continuously surrounded myself with the real life character versions of that childhood fable. Here are the characters and their human representatives in my land:

Liewe Heksie - Wessel
Mattewes Kat - Marilu
Fee Prinses - Tish
Koning Rosekrans - Hernes
Griet - Morne'
Blommie Kabouter - Charl
Karel Kat - Carel kat
Kwaaitjie Kabouter - Lukas
Geel / Persheks - Ree
Kerrie Gifappeltjie - Gert
Borrie Gifappeltjie - Daniela
Kwaai babatjie - Willem
Rissiepit - Melody

if your name is here and you can read this, it means that we share a childhood ideal and that's probably why we became attracted to each other as adults. Perhaps I am still stuck in Blommeland, but it's just so pretty, why would I ever wish to leave it! Thanx Verna Vels for creating a realm for me of my very own!

Ps. the photo is courtesy of Dirk

QR.com

2007-01-15T03:47:00.000-08:00

It's funny how the internet used to be my refuge - to whence I could escape and just assume an identity - not the real me, but someone who could provide me with an escape from my real life. Now my real life and identity has become the cyber me and as I go about my waking life in the real world, it is as if I don't really exist there anymore. I dawn the shroud of anonymity and walk the earth like a ghost. I am more real and alive within the infinate and boundless environment of the www and my human body only exists when I have to see to its by now routinised needs, always in keeping with a tight shedule.

Feelin Lucky

2007-01-12T01:55:00.000-08:00

I feel ree-borne. I guess it is partly to do with the book I am reading (courtesy of Dandilion) Princess by Jean Sasson - the true story of life inside Saudi Arabia's royal family.
I don't think I have ever been so truly aware of how incredably fortunate I am to be a western woman. The freedom that I have always taken for granted, along with the many opportunities and comforts I am given, is a whole world apart from that of the lives of so many others.
I speak often of hating myself for being so ungrateful, but it had never truly sunk in how grateful I really should be. Here I am - a free, independent thinking and living Varsity near graduate (a mere 0.whatever of South Africans fortunate enough to have had a Tertiary education), with no handicap save my own weaknesses (that can easily be overcome with the right mindset) and friends and family who love me unconditionally.
What do I have to be sad about?
NOTHING!

So, I have decided (and I can only imagine how many of you are sighing in relief at the very mention thereof) to quit complaining and start enjoying my life, appreciating every fortunate moment of it. I came to this conclusion last night as the rain was singing me to sleep. I had nearly cried myself to sleep, because I had just watched Brokedown Palace - the movie about the two girls who are tricked into being Mules and are thrown into a Thai prison. Very good film.
Very sad and very terrifying. I really should thank my lucky stars!

Here's to New Beginnings!

oooooooooo! PS. I did 14 laps the other day in the pool! and today I'm going to go for 16!

Is Patriarchy to blame?

2007-01-10T01:14:00.000-08:00

US air strike 'kill' Islamists
09/01/2007 11:48 - (SA)

Mogadishu - A United States air strike in Somalia that targeted an al-Qaeda cell wanted for two 1998 US embassy bombings killed large numbers of Islamic extremists, said government officials on Tuesday. The officials said the attacks, by a heavily armed AC-130 gunship, came after the terror suspects were spotted hiding on a remote island on the southern tip of Somalia, close to the Kenyan border. It was the first overt military action by the US in Somalia since the 1990s and the legacy of a botched intervention - known as "Black Hawk Down" - that left 18 American servicemen dead. Deputy prime minister Hussein Aideed said: "The US was trying to kill the al-Qaeda terrorists who carried out the bomb attacks on their embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. They have our full support for the attacks."

US sends air carrier to Somalia

The US air strike came 16 days after Ethiopia forces invaded Somalia to prevent an Islamic movement ousting the weak, internationally recognised government from its lone stronghold in the west of the country. America and Ethiopia both accused the Islamic group of harbouring extremists, among them al-Qaeda suspects. Ethiopian troops, tanks and warplanes took just 10 days to drive the Islamic group from the capital, Mogadishu, and other key towns. Meanwhile, the US military said on Tuesday that it had sent an aircraft carrier to join three other American warships conducting anti-terror operations off the Somali coast.

US warships had been seeking to capture al-Qaeda members thought to be fleeing Somalia in the wake of Ethiopia's December 24 invasion. The US attacks took place on Monday afternoon on Badmadow island. The area was known as Ras Kamboni and was suspected to be a terror-training base.

Most Islamic fighters 'killed'

A government spokesperson Abdirahman Dinari said: "The strike was carried out after it had been confirmed that al-Qaeda members are hiding there in the area. "We don't know how many people were killed in the attack, but we understand there were a lot of casualties. Most were Islamic fighters." Witnesses said that at least four civilians were killed in the attack, including a small boy. The claims could not be independently verified. Mohamed Mahmud Burale said: "My four-year-old boy was killed in the strike. The plane was firing at other areas in Ras Kamboni. We could see smoke from the area. We also heard 14 massive explosions."

After two days of fierce fighting, Ethiopian and Somali forces said they were on the verge of capturing Ras Kamboni, where they said the Islamic movement was cornered. US officials said after the September 11 attacks that extremists with ties to al-Qaeda operated a training camp at Ras Kamboni and al-Qaeda members were believed to have visited it. According to one of the convicted bombers, the alleged mastermind of the embassy bombings in East Africa, Fazul Abdullah Mohammed, escaped to Ras Kamboni.

(Copied and pasted from News24.com)

OK, now I am the first to admit that I know nothing about Politics, nor do I care to know – since in my humble opinion, its all just a pissing contest that the Patriarchs instituted to determine who gets the best parking spaces… but can somebody please tell me what gives the US the right to just bomb things? “Oh, no we sort of think that they were harbouring terrorists, pity about the civilian casualties…”

Am I alone in feeling slightly nervous about these trigger-happy so-called leaders of the free-world just having the right to bomb whatever they don’t understand or suspect or are afraid of? I bet Michael Moore agrees with me…

“I know! Lets just kill everyone who doesn’t agree with us along with any one who gets in the way of that mission!”

As a child of the western world – ok, I’m a tree-hugger hippie feminist – I can sympathise with the need to make the world a safer place, but surely there are many other ways to go about it!

How many other countries are in dire need of some help from their more affluent neighbours? Are we forgetting Zimbabwe? Imagine for a second what it must be like to wake up every day, not have any decent food or shelter, hostility all around you, kids - starving and afraid for their lives.. What about the way woman are still treated in the non-westernised world? who is in charge of fixing that? Why the hell are they not doing their job!

What the hell is going on? The rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer – even in South Africa (supposedly the gateway to the rest of Africa) the amount of homeless people and the people begging at intersections have increased drastically in the last 2 years… I’m not saying lets redistribute the wealth equally in a Communist fashion, but there must be another way than the general apathy doing the rounds.. Who is supposed to take care of things like that? Our Government? Ha!

I’m sounding like a pessimist, but I assure you I am not. Things are bound to get better – albeit slowly. Imagine for a second what the world would be like if people stopped being so selfish and learned to communicate/compromise better. Are we truly so incapable of sharing the planet as a species? Would it be better if Mother Earth purges us once and for all, seeing as though we only cause pain and destruction where ever we settle? Can you believe that killing baby seals is considered a sport? I am outraged at the arrogance of those fuckers who decided that! And what's with the fuckers who let them get away with it?!

Sometimes I wish I had become one of those Greenpeace vigilantes… Are human beings truly nothing more than a virus, Mr Smith?

And another thing!

In Kwazulu-Natal, they are soon beginning construction on a new airport. Yeah! Progress!

Pity that the area that they want to build it on (the La Mercy area) is the only place in the world where many different Swallow-species come to breed! Sorry Nature! If you get in our way, we’ll just make you disappear.. Am I alone in seeing this as wrong? How do these people get their building permits anyway? Is there not some sort of investigation that is supposed to take place? Did they get the permits through corrupt channels? Or is the government aware of the situation and simply does not care? I don’t know which scenario is worse..

What to do, what to do….

The quest for Arcadia

2007-01-09T03:49:00.000-08:00

I want to learn how to “contemplate silence”. Maybe I should lean how to meditate! Cam anyone give an obsessive compulsive overindulged lunatic a few practical guidelines?

I wish to learn how to block out certain impulses… “…things that tantalise and infuriate the mind and which also blot out of perception things subsequently seen.

Because for something to be seen requires consciousness and if the mind is dwelling on a previous detail, it sees nothing afterwards but its own thoughts and reactions.

And so much remains always unseen where there is much that fascinates the mind and eye….

..A whole philosophy lies in the paradox, a life lived at speed, with many gaps in perceived reality, many things and events not looked at properly or deeply, which would later haunt one as fragments of dreams. A life viewed all mixed up with, with dreams unclear.

Life tending towards dream.

Like the swift mysterious life of Alexander the Great. A life, which, because of so many mental puzzles, so many incidents to report, to perplex, leads the mind towards a preference for stillness.

Preference for a life where things are given time to unfold, to reveal their hidden wonders or terrors.

Preference for a life where seeing is just as difficult, because it requires such stillness of heart, such patience, such concentration, such quietness of mind, such motionlessness of spirit”. Ben Okri in In Arcadia.

I can sense that there is something I must discover, in order to set my mind at ease – a message – a revelation of some sort… and much needed tolerance for major and minor annoyances…

On the road again...

2007-01-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

So here's a little story to cheer us all up! I like to call it, Ree's adventure on the Bus over the Christmas holiday.

It all started when I had to jump on a bus to go to Durban, so that my mother could pick me up and take us both to Ballito, where we were to enjoy the Christmas holiday together as a family. Image the Queen on this bus for a moment.... oh come on, it'll be fun!
Strapped into an uncomfortable seat with 50 other unlucky souls in close proximityto her, breathing in their farts... jingle bells, jingle bells....... Irritating the crap out of me with their cellphones, jokes and obnoxious illegal drinking on the bus (thanx useless cabin attendant!) ... dashing through the snow...........

So anyway, after possibly the worst bus experience of my life (for which I deserve a fucking medal not having killed anyone!) we finally got to our destination.
Now, as many of you know, I had made plans to go to Rustler's Valley for New Years with some friends. This meant that I would have to leave right after Christmas, again on the bus, cause there were no available flights, to meet the others and drive together to Rustlers.

Now, I admit that I was stupid for not planning this trip better, but to make a long story short, there were no more bus tickets available for the time I wanted to leave. I had to
leave on the 26th!!!!!!!!
What's more is that all the other busses were taken, so I had to go on the SA Roadlink. I did not enjoy this thought at all, but then again, I hated all the other busses by this time, so one bus was just as good as the next one.
Thus I left for the bus station with a hangover on boxing day, having spent only 3 days with my family and being completely exhausetd.
It did not help my nerves at all that the SA Roadlink had had an accident that killed 12 peolple only a few days before. What can I say...... desperate times........

So I bravely get on the bus, clutching my rose-quarts tightly in the hope that we wouldn't have an accident.When we were just outside of Petermaritzburg, our bus was pulled off by the traffic cops, who arrested our driver for drunk driving. (It turns out that he was not drunk at all, their little blow maschine-thingie was faulty). So they take him to get his blood tested and leave us by the side of the road for 45mins.
When they finally returned, we thought Hey! here we go!

No such luck.

Instead they escourted us to the PMB testing station so that they could test the road worthiness of the bus. It would have been great if they had done all of that before the bus had left its destination in Durban....

Anyway, so we get to the testing station and join the que of about 15 busses infront of us who were suffering a similar fate - and about 20 more behind us eager to jump the que.
Each bus takes about 20 mins to test and all the passengers had to get out and wait outside - where I might add, there were no descent fascilities, no working vending mascines and no shade.
As some of the busses failed their roadworthyness test, the general morale was becomming increasingly aggitated. Luckily ours was fine and we could be on our merry way, after waiting at least 2 more hours. I felt so sorry for the poor passengers who now awaited the replacement coaches hopefully being sent by the bus companies.

When we were on the road again, we were stuck in traffic for about another hour and only then saw what the hold-up was.......... was it an accident or a road-block? NO! No it wasn't!
As we drove past the Cash-in-transit car lying on its roof - Police all around - I took a sedative and tried to sleep through the rest of the trip. My nerves just couldn't take any more.
It is ironic to reflect that regardless of this ordeal, it had probably been my most comfortable bus trip ever, with the best service! Thanks SA Roadlink! May you never have another accident!

I do think however, that flying would be the best option for those who can afford it. Public transport being what it is in sunny old SA does not leave you with a lot of other alternatives....

Maybe once the Gautrain in running..............................................

007 is upon us!

2007-01-02T04:32:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Now that I've gotten that out of my system...
There can be no one living on this planet that is gladder that 2006 is over, it was such a horrid year! It was very exciting and I am by no means saying that I didn't learn a lot and enjoy a lot of it. There was lots and lots of that too. Lots of life and lots of love.

Well, the clocks have reset and now I have a whole new chapter to write!
I even have some New Years resolutions, but I'm not going to bore anyone with those - especially since most of them are aimed at creating a better me and thus is of a rather sensitive and personal nature. Suffice it to say that there's gonna be some changes. For the better.
My whole attitude is one of unquencheable optimism and I feel sure that this year is gonna be great. I spent New Years at Rustlers' Valley in the mountains with good friends and had a really good time. Am NEVER camping again. My 12 'o clock moment featured me surrounded by friends infront of a fire/drumming circle. I am thankful for all the love in my life. it will get me through the hard times. Love like that is eternal and unconditional and that is the way that I love. Even Milan Kundera would agree that that is the only way that works.

I would like to focus more on my career, now that I've got one. I was given an amazing opportunity and refuse to squander it.

To all of you out there in the world, Love as much as you can.
A good friend of mine gave me this advice: Make out with as many people as you can, but don't shag them immediately.
Another wise sage said: the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. As I am posting this, I am also chatting with a good friend about eros love. I've come to the conclusion that love given freely does not need to be returned. I don't want to have someone disappoint my expectatons - that's why I don't have any of them. It is not unreasonable to expect ones love to be returned, but I do not need anything returned. I just need to feel it right now. Something to dream about, to obsess about, to cry about....

The moral of the story? Love as often as you can and as hard as you can! There is enough hate and sadness in the world, there is no need to add to it.

Oh! and I made a new friend. When we met it was a pure act of desiny.
This next section is for all my little Leo brothers and sisters and for you Melody, my cosmic cousin.
LOVE YOU!!!

2007 Horoscope Forecast

Leo the Lion in 2007

will & determination,

combined with optimism

It's a year of two fires for you, Leo. First, there's the slow burn of Saturn, measurer of effort, in your sign. Then, there's the wildfire blaze of Jupiter in Sagittarius and your solar fifth house. Saturn will urge you to keep focused, take authority or responsibility and stay on the path of your chosen goals or ambitions until he moves from your sign in early Sep. This is the fire of will and the determination to see things through or get where you know you have to go. Hard work, obligation or even solitary action may be the price. These is a weight that comes with Saturn

However, the fire of giant Jupiter, the lord of fortune, will uplift you, bringing optimism, enthusiasm, a slice of luck and a desire for humour and enjoyment. Jupiter is expansive and alerts you to the wide variety of stimulus, knowledge and exotic flavours that are just waiting in the big wide world for you to come and find them. Though the fires of these two cosmic giants are compatible, the dynamics of their operation are different. You'll have to run a line between the more conservative and mature demands of Saturn and the wildfire of Jupiter as the year unfolds. More especially so because Jupiter spends a good portion of the midyear in a holding pattern of tension with the Lunar Nodes, indicating that if you let the urge take you, you could go too far, too fast without the backing or foundation you need to support your efforts. Don't stretch yourself or your finances too far or the month of September will find you out. Don't let that caution dampen your spirits though. Jupiter still wants a party. Give him one. Jupiter moves in reverse on Apr 6th and forwards on Aug 7th.

On Jul 27th, Venus turns retrograde in Virgo. There may be a downturn or setback affecting matters of money or love. There may be interruption or delay in close relations or dealings. You may experience a temporary separation, a delay with someone returning or a block with funds. Old contacts or situations may return. Matters from the past may need examination and resolution. You feel withdrawn or you may feel someone is withdrawing from you. Float along. Don't worry too much. Take it quietly. The solution you're seeking to any problem or concern is one of personal response. Venus will move back to your sign on Aug 9th. You may revamp your image, change your approach or work to improve your relations with others. Venus moves forward again on Sep 8th.

Dec 19th brings a new cycle of contacts, associations, partnership and close relations as the Lunar Nodes move out of Pisces and Virgo and into Aquarius and your sign. Get ready for some exciting, juicy stuff.

Love and Money

Personal charm and physical magnetism make you the centre of attention, which of course is very much to your satisfaction... An ardent lover, your enthusiasm and passion must be returned in equal measure, or you may become bored and dissatisfied with your wimpy partner. A weak partner invites you to completely dominate the scene, a situation which is less than ideal for both parties. In every case you need to keep your ego under control, even when surrounded by admirers and sycophants.

Leo, a masculine sign, is self-sufficient, confident and tends to bravado. Most of you fabulous cats have a positive attitude to love and sex, but there are those among you who suffer excruciating pangs of anxiety in relationship.

Why, you ask? Well, simply put, it is fear that the reality may not live up to the unduly grandiose image that you seek to present to the world. Sexual anxiety may become so intense in some cases as to generate frigidity or impotence. So in a relationship, Leo loves to be the central, pivotal point around which all things revolve. A romantic and a dreamer, you make your dreams come true because you have strength, determination and a blithe faith in yourself - a faith which can overcome obstacles with that characteristic ease which seems so remarkable to more introverted souls.

Some Leos can find themselves clinging to bad relationships or mistaken beliefs, because their egos simply will not allow them to admit to being wrong. However, such typical tenacity becomes an asset when shown as loyalty to friends, or as patience and determination to succeed.

Leo's emblem is the noble Lion. This dignified king of the jungle symbolises the regal disposition of the Leo personality. However, standing on your pride when insulted or abused, you rarely forget a slight (unless of course your detractors sincerely, humbly and grovellingly crave forgiveness, whereupon you may magnanimously deign to pardon the miserable creatures). It must, moreover, be said that you are quite forthright in your opinions, which themselves need have no close relationship with the facts - and you certainly like to have the last word in any discussion.

In the art of lovemaking, Leo is ardent and willing, although not necessarily particularly creative. Your performance is usually considered by you to be generally excellent, but a worthy partner (who has a little more slyness and cunning than you would ever stoop to) can improve the quality and variety of your lovelife by smoothly introducing new ideas without seeming to ruffle your pride.

This is a year of romance for the Lion. Jupiter in Sagittarius decrees it. Those of you in a relationship may up the ante with emotional commitment or you may aim for a lifestyle that gives you time and space for shared activities and adventures. You may fall in love with each other again. Children may feature for some. Social activity, creative projects or exciting ventures or journeys will be on the agenda for others. Those of you that are single will find you're in the zone for romantic encounters. Entertainment or social activity will run hot and there'll be plenty of interest with the people you're meeting and greeting. Some singles may opt to play the field, not wanting to be tied down by commitment. Others may meet 'the one' and take it from there. Those you do encounter may be people from interesting or exotic backgrounds. Artistic people, people from other cultures and 'larger than life' characters will play their parts in the drama of social or romantic life. You may branch out into new fields of recreational endeavour. Anything from travelling for sporting or cultural interests to a dash across the dance floor or a dabble in amateur theatre. Get out there and do it, Leo!

Money's in focus in the coming year. Three eclipses and Mercury retrograde will affect your financial houses before Saturn moves to Virgo on Sep 2nd, urging you to get it right with personal spending and resources. Sound management and attention to detail will be important. Planning and preparation will get you on track. Keep savings aside to deal with small emergencies. Don't overextend and leave yourself with nothing in the kitty. You may need to train or learn new skills to open new lines of income. With Saturn in Virgo, the means by which you handle money and personal spending will have to change. Opt for a thrifty approach. Stick to the basics. Target the purchase of what you want by cutting out what's not important. No frivolous spending! If you wish to buy something of value, work towards the purchase by recognizing how many working hours will go into the purchase price. Make sure that what you buy will have a practical use. In the two years that follow, build resources and spending power through hard work and good money management. Some of you may learn about 'doing without' during this time. Some of you may put personal resources or money at risk in order to gain a greater prize. Saturn moves forward in Leo on Apr 19th and into reverse motion in Virgo on Dec 19th.

Home and Family

Change or development at home will be the upshot of Jupiter's recent transit in Scorpio and Saturn's continuing movement in your sign. You may have upgraded at home or you may have undergone major change of circumstances with family or fittings. There may still be work to be done at home. There may be boisterous or dynamic activity there. Males or vigorous tasks may feature. At times there will be tension or high emotion and you'll have to work to settle things down. There may be excitement or activity and you'll need to give it time to clear. Don't be slack with chores. Run a tidy house, even if that's sometimes against the odds. Activities at home may alter the dynamic of your household. There may be guests, family members or visitors involved with study or overseas travel or that hail from foreign climes. For some, new romance or sexual activity might be the dynamic. It could be hot but feisty. For others, new activities or interests will add to the atmosphere or the action in the domicile. One way or another, the home base will be touched by excitement or change as action, dramatic events or dramatic people set the tone.

Work and Health

With Venus and Mercury in Capricorn as the year begins, there'll be another side to relationships this year, a working one. There'll be focus on negotiations and dealings with co-workers or staff. You may find that internal relations in work will occupy your time. The social aspect of work will be important. Be clear, responsible and mature in dealings with people and situations related to your work or daily life. Develop your communication skills. Increase your knowledge or information load through education.

As for work itself, seek advancement through additional duties or promotion until early Sep. Through the year, opportunity or fortune will guide you to a new arena of endeavour if you're prepared for a risk. Investment, new ventures, creative expression or activities may contribute. If you want to get somewhere, do something to get moving. Some may put money into a business or creative venture, stepping away from the workaday world. This will mean dramatic change in lifestyle or work routines. You'll have to be disciplined. Others may set sail for a different risk, using earnings to finance lifestyle activities or interests. Take care the outgoings don't exceed the income. You'll know if that's going to be so by Sep. On Dec 18th, Jupiter enters Capricorn, urging study or opening the way for education, advancement or improvement with work or health conditions.

As far as health is concerned, these last years will have been testing and you will have had to focus on energy management and good routines. That's still the case till Sep with Saturn finishing his journey in your sign. You won't be able to burn the candle at both ends without being burned. Take breaks. Engage in necessary recreation as you manage your work time or your efforts. Exhaustion may be a concern. Recognize the signs and discipline yourself to take the right action. If you're suffering, even from minor concerns, get yourself treated.

Saturn's move to Virgo on Sep 2nd will take some of the personal pressure off. There may still be concern or worry over money but it won't be to the same extent as the pressure or burden of recent years. It's important for the coming 'two year' cycle of Saturn in your solar second house that you learn and apply the simple management techniques of ordinary healthcare. Look after yourself better with exercise, diet and self-nurture. Find the right balance between a little self-indulgence and proper restraint.

The last cautionary note for the coming year is to do with Jupiter's transit in Sagittarius. This could easily lead to excess or indulgence. Don't let it. It's important to enjoy yourself and relax but it's equally important to keep a sane and healthy boundary as to how you do so.

Career Matters

There are twin influences with career, professional matters and responsibilities. Firstly, Saturn is set to complete his journey in your sign. From Jan till Sep 2nd, Saturn in Leo will keep you focused on personal responsibility and authority. Deal with situations, people and decision-making in a mature manner. You will still have a load to bear and will rise or fall on your own choices. It's up to you to carry the burden. But this also means you'll reap the rewards. However, the other side of the coin is the journey of Jupiter in Sagittarius and your solar fifth house. It's onward and upward with new ventures, projects or recreational activity. You'll want to take a risk or a trip to a destination that's new, exciting or different. Whether it's to satisfy you or for a professional concern, embrace your creative ability. Do something with dance, drama, music or artistic expression. Some of you may think of teaching or entering a qualified profession. You may learn a language or skills with foreign cuisine. Others may simply find new avenues on which to travel the road of life. Make an art of socializing. Attend the theatre, the ballet or the opera. One way or another, you need to take or make the opportunity to enhance your lifestyle and fulfill yourself through creative or recreational or romantic activity. Embrace the romance of your life, Leo. Take a punt or a risk. Put yourself out there.

On Nov 15th, warrior Mars turns retrograde in Cancer. You may meet opposition with professional aspirations or in dealings with authority. Males especially will feature. You may review your action style, your methods or even your career. Something you've done or worked on may need review. Your cycle of responsibilities may require a new look. Go back over old ground. Find a remedy for problems or redo old work. If there is ill-feeling in someone because of the past, sit down and work it out. Give others time and opportunity to let off steam. Watch tension with a young or emotional male. There may be anger from females or family members over authority issues. There may simply be delay or frustration with professional goals or responsibilities. If feelings boil over in a professional situation, keep a lid on them till later. Work them off in private. Mars is in reverse as the year ends.

Mercury the Messenger

Mercury moves into retrograde (reverse) motion three times a year for about three weeks each time. This phase heralds a time of confusion and misunderstandings that can affect arrangements, travel, transport, appliances, machinery and communications. The breakdowns that occur are a function of neglect, inattention, simple misunderstandings or component failure. They will often bring to the fore the very contingency we should have planned for and didn't. When the retrograde phase occurs, watch out for such possibilities as well as putting off major decision-making or the signing of crucial documents and agreements. We tend to miss things while Mercury is in reverse motion and then have to come back and do them again. A process of review in the retrograde phase can efficiently show where problems might lie and help us with damage control or the mending of things. Double check arrangements at these times! What you think you've said and what others have understood will often prove to be two different things.

Mercury's first retrograde phase begins in Pisces on Feb 14th. Review joint financial arrangements or obligations. There may be confusion over spending or just overspending. Get communications working! Make sure you understand what others are saying and what they expect with money or payment. There will be unexpected developments or a surprise turn of events with money. Stay flexible. Think on your feet. Keep lines of communication open. There may be confusion or change with a point of contact or an institution you've been dealing with over finance. Time and patience will sort things. Lack of clarity could be a sore point. Mercury moves back to Aquarius on Feb 27th then forward again on Mar 8th.

Mercury's second retrograde phase begins in Cancer on Jun 15th. With Mercury in your solar twelfth house, you may wish to step back, standing at a distance from the hustle and bustle. There may be confusion or a misunderstanding in communications. You may have something on your mind and wish to think it over. Be careful, listening to the advice of others. It may not be what you need to hear. You may wish to concentrate on creative endeavours or your inner or spiritual life. There may be something from the past you need to reflect upon. Family or domestic concerns may be prominent. You may not be ready to speak up about a problem or concern. Take your time. Mercury moves forward on Jul 10th.

Mercury's final retrograde phase is in Scorpio, starting on Oct 12th. Domestic or family matters will feature. There may be confusion or difficulty with someone close. This may be a health concern or there may be misunderstanding or tension to be resolved. There will be problems with communication, appliances or people at home. Watch safety with power. There may be testing talk over money or confusion about who was supposed to pay for what. Take a review of domestic matters, both personal and practical. Cooperation is the best solution. Mercury returns to Libra on Oct 24th then moves forward on Nov 1st.

Lady Moon

Your Full Moon comes on Feb 2nd. Expansion, investment, romance and plain luck are favoured by the influences here. A new scheme, relationship or adventure could come to light. You might just be feeling good. There could be stimulating social activities or even something to celebrate. Relationships are favoured. Enjoy time with someone special. If you're single, take a risk with someone new. Enjoy favourite activities and tasty foods with people you love.

Your New Moon comes Aug 12th. There may be something to negotiate with someone close. You may have much to talk about with a partner or close associate. You may need to go over old ground or deal with a past situation. Someone older or in authority may be involved. Verbal communication is important and you'll need to set a clarifying pattern that will create a new dynamic or perspective for an old situation or a persistent problem. You may have to make a new start in an old position.

Eclipses

Eclipses of both the Sun and the Moon often indicate the end of a cycle or a significant change in the direction or pattern of the affairs governed by the house in which the eclipse falls. Eclipses of the Sun may affect work, direction and relations with people in authority. Eclipses of the Moon may affect matters of home, family and emotions as well as relations with women and children. Both may affect your health.

The Full Moon in Virgo on Mar 3rd brings a Lunar Eclipse. Domestic or personal monies may be in for a hitch or a glitch. You may have to review personal spending as something has changed. You may not be able to go ahead with a purchase or an expense. There will be a shift in income or outgoings. A domestic expense may catch you out. Someone you regularly deal with over basic financial concerns may depart the picture. You may have to eat into savings or other designated monies to solve a problem.

The Full Moon in Pisces on Aug 28th brings a Lunar Eclipse. There may be a change or an end with financial obligations or joint arrangements. Someone you've been dealing with over financial concerns may depart or move out of your circle of operations. There may be a hitch or a glitch with credit or overdraft arrangements. Make sure that you don't inflict it on yourself. There may be an interruption or a change with the erotic side of relationships. If you've been in a secret liaison, it may come to an end.

The New Moon in Virgo on Sep 11th brings a Solar Eclipse. An interruption or change may affect your income or primary or personal resources. There may be an enforced shift with spending or money management. Keep savings in place prior to this period. You may need more than is planned for in the budget. You may change or have to change financial institutions or advisers. There may be an end to an expense or an outgoing.

Courtesy of http://www.astrologycom.com/annual.html

Colour me Disenchanted

2006-12-19T00:29:00.000-08:00

Well, the ratings are down and I can't really say that I blame my readers. Who wants to read about me ranting and raving away? Let's face it: I only ever talk about myself and never have anything remotely interesting to say. My life is about as interesting and authentic as the cellphone tower disguised as a large tree outside my office window.. not very much at all. The only interesting thing about me is my friends and they are bound to get tired of me sooner or later. All day long I think of very interesting things to write about, but when I actually sit in front of the keyboard, I go as blank and empty as my inbox: lots of spam, but not a lot else really. And listen to me going on and on about how boring and useless I am, STILL not getting to why I am going on like this in the first place!

I have once again decided to turn over a new silicone leaf. It seems like only yesterday when I promised to move on, to get over myself and entertain all of you with the enchanting musings of a wanton word godess who makes time every day to update everyone on her fabulous existance and to enrich your lives. OK, maybe I'm aiming too high.
Maybe its just that time of year, when everybody just gets sick to death of themselves and wishes they were more interesting. No? Just me then? Oh well, there goes that idea..
I suppose I'd better get on with it before I lose even the most loyal of fans, whose judgement (BTW) I am beginning to question. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? HUH?!?!
Perhaps its time for medication.
How did I get this self-absorbed?
Did it happen because of Highschool? I didn't get enough attention or indulgence there.. Maybe I'm just an attention junky with an insatiable appetite for the notice, approval and adoration of others. Pathetic.
You know what's funny? I'm still talking about myself! ME ME ME ME ME!
I've worked very hard to shut the world out, yet ironically enough, I'm still at the centre of everything (oi the Vanity).
I'm trying to hide away like the hermit my tarot cards said I was many years ago, but then I bitch and complain about not being noticed?
Then again, its hard NOT to notice me. I'm loud, bitchy, large and demand to be in charge. The only thing bigger than my ego is my gynormous ass!
And of course, not having anything more interesting to say, I resort to diggin into myself and still wonder why I have such low self-esteem. The reason is quite simply because somehow, I think that the approval of others matter more than my own. Eventhough I know better. Would I have made different choices if I weren't so obsessed with making everyone like me? Would I have been an entirely different person? Would my favourite subject be anything other than myself? What would make the difference? What would happen if for once, someone shook me by the shoulders and said: SNAP OUT OF IT! SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU, HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNGRATEFUL!? What the hell is love anyway? How can anyone love me if I go on like this? And why sould it matter? These demons inside my head won't stop. I guess I'm just lonely. Or starved for some real notice: Someone taking the time and going to the effort to make me open up, to make me blossom. But that is no ones' responsibility but my own. Can you say Drama Queen? How the hell did I get like this? PLEASE ANSWER ME!!!!

An emotional masochist trying desperately to break the habit.

Finding Nemo

2006-12-13T01:09:00.000-08:00

No, I don't mean the little fishy. I mean the song by Nightwish.
When I was on the beach end of November, I got trashed and had an amazing experience, were I was looking at the waves crashing beneath me on the rocks, conversing with my celestial other - The Ocean - and everything just sort of fell into place. By everything, I mean life, the Universe, and everything else that I was struggling with. It kind out played out before my hallucinating eyes and this song was the one that happened to be the soundtrack in my head at the time. As the song ended, so did the montage and with the dying notes resonating in my head, I reached a plateau of universal understanding which I can't quite recall right now, but I know it happened and it was good. I think I finally understand. It's all going to work out just as I imagined it at that moment.. My life, my love, my death, after that. It's going to be quite a ride!
Anyhoo, here's the song.

Nemo - by Nightwish.

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as a compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

My flower
Withered between
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name for evermore

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name for evermore

Nemo my name for evermore

FUD

2006-12-12T05:33:00.000-08:00

I've had it with men.
I might have mentioned a certain individual I like to call Freaky Underwear Dude before. He is this old fat guy who always smokes a cigarette in his underwear at night, watching us very intently though our window. Well, my story starts on Friday night, when my flatmate and I arrived home after a Christmas party. My neighbor comes up to us and tell us a horrifying tale, in which she caught FUD coming out of our flat, locking the door behind him, noticing her and running away like someone who know he has just been busted. Apparently he had family who had lived in our flat before and that was how he came to possess a key to our flat. He had clearly let himself in for whatever reason, probably sniffing my underwear or something dodgy. I remembered that I had once come around the corner towards my door and saw him running in the opposite direction. I thought he was just shy and was trying to avoid me. Since he was only wearing underwear at the time, I was glad for his choice, but now I think I might have almost caught him going into our flat. My flatmate also told me of a night when she woke up as some one was entering her room and when they saw her, they closed the door quickly and left. She thought it was me, looking for something, but I explained that I had not been home. We figured that she had probably just dreamed it, but now I think that he must have thought that no one was home and just let himself in!
What if he watches us while we sleep? What if he did sniff my underwear? What if he is dangerous? We've noticed as well that two knives had gone missing since we moved in. Now, this could be entirely unrelated, but our kitchen in spotless and everything is in its place. I have no idea where those knives went and we have never seen them again. I am however willing to bet that if we went through his stuff, we would find them. I've never believed in co-incidences. I've even convinced myself that I was losing it, because sometimes I would come home and would feel a presence there that didn't belong there. Then I would go through the house just to convince myself that I am alone.
So anyway, the locks have been changed and I told the Trustees about it. I doubt they are going to do anything, though. At least he can't get in anymore...
Then, on Saturday we go to this party on a meat farm. Now what, you are probably asking yourself, is she doing on a meat farm?
Well, it wasn't my idea, but I decided to be open-minded. And you can probably guess how much I freaked out after a while of telling myself that it's going to be ok. I was surrounded by semi-naked jocks who had no respect for women, ate meat and drank the whole time, so much so that a friend of mine got attacked. There were one or two nice guys there, but on the whole, it was a nightmare. I'm so glad that we escaped relatively unscathed and that I had friends there. It might have ended badly. Also. I've got a big mouth and was very outspoken about my views.. I could have gotten into really big trouble. Why is EVERYTHING about sex with men? Can't you just have a normal conversation with them without them objectifying you blatantly?
Maybe I should become a lesbian. I know that there are some really good guys out there, but they are mostly unavailable, gay or emotionally unavailable. Is there any hope for our society when its male members a degrading like this? Has it always been like this? Is testosterone too dangerous to allow its existence any longer?

On the job.

2006-12-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

I have the best colleauge in the whole wide world. She makes me lots of coffee and even gave me a neck-rub when I really needed one. She's also very nice to chat to and is very very clever. The others are nice to, but they are the bosses and can't get up to mischief with them. Too much. I like working here, cause I get to play on the internet while pretending to work. When I occasionally do do some work, I glide through it so easily that I don't even feel that it cuts into my precious internet time. Ah Bliss!

The happy hippie song.

2006-12-04T01:10:00.001-08:00

I wrote the following when I was doing the Happy Hippie thing, so just keep that in mind.

It’s raining outside. An electrical storm – my favourite. It’s late and dark. I feel completely awake, even though I haven’t slept. I can’t sleep. The planet in pulsating and vibrating all around me. I look into the windows of buildings in front of me, watching people as they go about their business and draw their curtains, closing their windows to shut the raging storm out. I am standing partially in the rain, probably catching pneumonia. I’ve got to work tomorrow. It’s strange how this job thing just sort of fell into my lap. All nice and pretty with a bow and shiny wrapping paper.
The Universe just made it happen when the time was right for it to be so. Like many things I suppose. Life just happens when people are ready for it to happen, there is no sense in trying to rush things. You can’t force the Universe to take action, the timing has to be right.
Timing is everything. My free time has suddenly become very valuable, so I find myself incapable of wasting it. I suppose the danger of becoming even more impatient is there, but not if I take a few counter measures. Like Yoga and learning to meditate, so that I can be relaxed, calm and focussed. It would also boost the energy levels significantly. I have a lot less sleepy-time than I used to…
No, I have to focus on my career and quit screwing around. I have to spend my time wisely in order to avoid a frantic meltdown situation.
Now that the next stage of my development can commence, I am confident that there will be a lot to learn about myself and the world in general. Adventure awaits those who are not afraid to seize the opportunity, embracing the future with valour and enthusiasm. Or something like that…
What am I saying? I sound just like the ree-encarnated hippie that my little brother accuses me of being. But I’m proud of it. Saving the world a little bit at a time.
‘And I –eeh-hi- had a feeling that I belonged, I-eeh-hi- had a feeling that I could Be someone…
The storm is calming down now, its just a light drizzle. There is nothing like a South African storm.
‘I’m crazy like a fool…what about Daddy Cool!’
A developing being (raving lunatic) experiencing herself – it’s gonna be quite a ride. Especially if I keep spewing nonsense like this all day long. I’ve got to fake my way into being taken seriously. I have to think grown-up thoughts…
Maybe I’m a different breed of grown-up, though. Maybe I could teach them all something - something that I know that they don’t. It’s marvellous idea. I get to discover a whole new world and a whole new me. One who is in control of her Universe, an Architect of her own reality. And I promise, no more trouble with the law…

Mercury strikes again!

2006-11-13T03:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I prepared this really nice entry that detailed all of the things that I am going to miss when I no longer have all this free time. This ofcourse, is provided that the job I am told is mine actually works out. I've learned to be very sceptical. Anyway, I mentioned things like: am going to miss not being able to turn the music up to full volume and sitting on the floor close to the speakers, writing or painting; reading whatever I can find; sitting in the garden in the middle of the day, listening to the sounds of the city or watching the birdies play in the wind... But I'm not going to do that any more. I've had a really terrible day. Instead, I'm just going to say that I'll miss having all that time to think and obsess and I'll miss being able to walk around naked in my flat, checking myself out in the mirror.

We've already established that I am incredibly vain, let it go.

Mercury is at it again and technology is rebelling agains me. Every computer I've been at in the last week has showed its contempt and refused to do what I wanted it to do, not caring one bit that I've got enough exam stress to give me a heart attack already. I've learned to live with it, though and am trying very hard to not let it get me down. So, I try to find ways around technology, but there aren't many. In the end, I had to use my trusty chinese internet cafe, hoping against hope that Mercury will not find me in my anonymity. What else can a person do?
I saw that film 'An inconvenient truth' and cried my eyes out about what we are doing to the planet. Go to www.climatecrises.net to see how you can make a difference and do your bit to save the planet. It's the least we can do, right?

Anyway, its one of my best friends' birthday today, and I still need to write to her before Mercury finds me again. It seems that I'm on the run. Shhhhht!

Good news for once.

2006-11-07T01:30:00.000-08:00

Hey there fans of Ree.
I know I've been neglecting you for a while, but the good news is that I HAVE FOUND A JOB!!!
Starting Dec 1st, I am going to be a working woman, stumbling on her way to the top, but definately on her way there.

Tune in next time, for a more detailed update.

Ciao!

Important Info!

2006-10-30T03:37:00.001-08:00

Hey there fellow bloggers!

Check out The Gallery of Distorted Art at www.galleryofdistortedart.blogspot.com

How much is real.

2006-10-30T02:16:00.000-08:00

I have discovered something about myself, call it a breakthrough if you will.

I am a deeply complicated woman, but generally I really like myself. I am not going to change for anyone. All the changing is going to be for my benefit only. You don't get a vote.

Do not bother talking to me if you can't be honest and sincere. Don't try to mess with me. It confuses me and I don't know if I can stop it once I get going.

To those who have suffered because I didn't know what I was doing - sorry. I didn't believe in myself enough to really open up to you. Eventhough you might have been a complete asshole, I admit that I let you get away with it. If you did make a real attempt to talk to me and I shot you down or didn't respond, Sorry. Try again. I missed your message. Subtlety is waisted on me. Say what you mean.

I'm a little nuts, its part of my charm. I don't even know what I want, so I really don't know what I expect from you. Just talk to me. Lets figure this out together.

Whats that song, tell me if you know:

'I've got phone numbers but no one to call my own'.

Uumm... did Stav just say that women are grumpier than men? Or did I imagine that?

I agree sort of. It's our hormones. We can't help that. Men have hormones too and they can get into worse trouble because of them. Hormones are great to have though, wouldn't you agree? Snaps for hormones!!!

I love Tuks FM. They play really good music!

Slagoffer van my eie verbeelding? Definitief!

More sugar packet wisdom.

2006-10-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I botched my first interview. I was so nervous that I almost forgot my own name and was visibly trembling. What to do? what to do!

Obviously the search for employment is still on, so I hope to have another shot soon.

All I have to cling to is my belief that it is all going to work out in the end.

The suger packet clutched in my hand says:

Action does not always lead to happiness,

but there can be no happiness without action.

Its a mouse! Get it! Get it!

2006-10-21T02:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm backstage manager for this play, right, The Witches, by Roald Dahl.
Its 20 seconds to curtain call after the one fight scene, and two of my actors go into the dressing room. I go after them, determined to throw my weight around to get them back on stage in very little time. I get into the dressing room and there is blood everywhere!
Its seems that the one guy (accidentally) whacked poor Bernard with a frying pan and he had an enormous gash in the bridge of his nose. I grab toiletpaper and frantically try to stop the blood gushing from his nose and running down my hands. By some miracle I do not faint and deserve a medal! He gets rushed to the emergency room for stitches and I am left standing in a pool of blood that also got on the hired costumes, as well as the floor and the tie I was wearing. After I flushed the bloodied rags and TP, I sink down into a chair and was instantly greatful for all the wine I had had during the performance. I just love this business.

Virtue, how frail it is!

2006-10-16T04:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided to become celibate. I suppose you could say it is due to a new influence in my life, but I just hate giving credit away. So, the success of this little venture will be entirely mine, since I'm doing this for very selfish reasons.

I'm certainly no angel, but I'm not exactly the most devilish person I've ever met, so I'm sure it can't be that difficult. I have tried it before and found that I got exactly out of it what I wanted to. It even lasted. It would just really be great if I can be alone in my head again. To be able to just focus on me. On what I want and need. If I didn't have to worry about sex and what/whom it involves, I will certainly be much better off. Sex influences decisions we make as well as our reactions. Elliminating it entirely will naturally lead to more stability in character, mental processes and in my general behaviour. This will allow me to get done what needs to be done, as well as to pursue different kinds of relationships with people. I could even get to know certain people much better! I hear that comes in handy when establishing any relationship. Not that I've been spending a lot of time having sex, its just that it being a possibility is problematic. So, that's the new plan!

I must say that eversince I made this decision I've felt more at peace than I have in a long time. Here's to virtue and all of those other precious ideals we so often disregard!

Is this too TMFI for you, anonymous?

Glad to help, Moron!

More crazy talk.

2006-10-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

If you actively search for happiness, you only succeed in making yourself miserable. Take me - I obsess about everything every single moment of every single day. Mostly on what is wrong with me. It's like I get some sort of sick pleassure from torchuring myself. I imagine things that aren't real and I make up scenarios and fall for them hook, line and sinker. I'm convinced one moment and lost the next. It never stops. I don't know whether I'm coming or going and all this because I so desperately want to be happy. But you can't rely on other people to make you happy. As the Queen of new beginnings, I know that mine coincide with the phases of the moon. You might ask yourself: How many times can a person ree-invent herself (yet not change a bit) and keep going?

I've learned that it is ok to make mistakes. We learn from those mistakes. Happines, whatever that is, can come look for me for a change. I'm a girl on a mission and I'm done mesing around with things that do not matter and that are beyond the power of my will.

On an entirely unrelated matter, I heard the prettiest thing:

'Love is friendship on fire'.

I love that!

One of those days.

2006-10-09T04:33:00.000-07:00

Uuggh! I'm in such a bad mood today. I'm so hungover and everybody is looking for Sh*t with me. I'm so terribly sorry that I'm not perfect and sometimes even rather disappointing. But you know what? I'm a human being. I make mistakes. How about, the next time any of you Bozo's have beef with me, you come talk to me about it instead of talking crap behind my back, or posting ambiguous anonymous comments that only result in pissing me off. Unless that was your intention, in which case: Congrats! You've succeeded. You're a man now.
Ok, I'm over it. It's just that I am not a mindreader. I wish people would just talk to me. I know I'm hard to pin down sometimes and you really have to press me to get some real information out of me (Queen of Vagueness and Evasive tactics.), but I would do better if I knew how. I just require some patience and I need to trust someone before I open up. Is that so difficult to understand?

So, Dandilion and I go to the Drumming Circle and I'm tense as usual. It took me a while to relax and the copious amounts of Gluwein helped. Or maybe it didn't. You decide.
So I'm sitting around the bonfire, my skirt above my knees and drum between them. I'm drummin away and am relaxing more and more. In fact, I'm relaxing so much that my foot sort of starts to slide to the front and my toes start to figit with something. Drum drum drum. Next moment I realise a few things at once: my foot has been figiting this guy (my Dad's) age in front of me on the butt, he's shuffeling around all uncomfortable and his wife is giving me death stares!
I didn't know what to do. I think I apologised, but have no way of knowing. It's sort of unclear what happened next. I guess I drank too much. That's got to stop. If you want other people to take you seriously, you have to take yourself seriously. It doesn't help that I'm so clumsy and can be such a trainwreck at times. I'm sure I'll grow out of it. To Anonymous, whoever you are, what counts as too much information? I wish you would call me so that we can talk. All this mystery is unnecessary. I'm not really so annoyed, you just caught me on a bad day. PEACE ALL AROUND! Ciao!

Hope springs eternal.

2006-10-05T01:11:00.000-07:00

I saw one of the most beautiful movies of the year last night:

The Tiger in the Snow by Roberto Benigni. I hope that's the right spelling. Oh well. Sometimes walking out of a cinema with a great big smile on you face just makes you forget about everything. It was so beautiful, I cried and cried and it was so funny as well. So touching. It just makes you believe in love again and in people. It teaches us never to give up hope, because as terrible and cruel as this world can get, it also has the potential to be the most beautiful and magical place, where anything is possible. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. Love is more powerful than anything else in existance.

Summer fun and a long and lonesome road.

2006-10-02T04:47:00.000-07:00

Summer here and there's colour all around! Yeah! I love flowers! Orange, purple, red, yellow, not to mention all the green around.

Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. A Fellow by the name of Ray Goodman said that. Yeah for sugar packet wisdom!
What is the point of happiness if you have to postpone it for the future? We're alive NOW, right? This is not a dress-rehearsal, this is it! Right now is all we can be sure of.
There are certain things for which I'm willing to wait, like a family and marriage.
I can live a very happy life without those things, but I come from a very loving family and would love to have one myself - eventually. Maybe in 10 years. While waiting for that, I plan on keeping my options open, enjoying life and having a chance for happiness within myself, RIGHT NOW!

One word from a prince that lives in a land far far away and I'll be more that willing to reserve his place, but until the words are spoken, I have to assume that that is never going to happen. I have to look out for me, since nobody else can or will. I've got a Queendom to take care of, after all. Still, one word...

Whatever, the point is that I refuse to traumatise myself by pretending to know anything about destiny and how it works. I'm just along for the ride. a hitch-hiker on the journey. I'm getting ready to face my destiny, whatever it turns out to be. Maybe its already here. Maybe we make our own destinies. If that's the case, I already know what I want to happen. Now to convince others....

Another word on Clowns.

2006-09-21T03:12:00.000-07:00

This dude told me this terrifying story, tell me what you think of it. He swears every word is true.

This girl that he knows was babysitting for friends of her parents. After putting the children to sleep, she became increasingly freaked out by this life-sized Clown-doll by the bed. So much so that she phoned the parents of the children after a while, hoping to get permission to move it somewhere else, since it was so big and so freaky. The parents were horrified. They told her to immediately take the children and get out of the house. Why? She asked. They replied: We don't have a life-sized Clown-doll!

She apparantly phoned the police and later on they discovered that it was a neighbourhood crazy, who liked to dress up as a clown and climb into people's houses through the window.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yucky ickey Clowns!

Ok. In other news, I'm going away for a few days to see my family in Ballito. Hopefully I will have lots of quality time with them and my cat. Unfortunately, I have to edit this one dude's masters dissertation and find time somewhere to study for my semester tests. Oi! My life sure sucks somethimes. Just kidding. I'm pretty happy in general - that is, when there are no clowns! I'll be even happier when I get a job. Hold thumbs!

Ree of Bath

2006-09-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

Before you read this, there are some things that you need to consider:
It is a well known fact that I am completely off my rocker. It is also no secret that I party too hard, that I Roleplay, that I read too much fantasy, science-fiction and horror, watch too many moves, series and anime. I also have an over-active imagination.

So I get home from a party with some of my closest friends that lasted until 03h00 in the morning. I have to get up early, because silly me vollunteered to help out at the Octoberfest. So I decide to take a bath before crawling into bed, so that I can get ready to go within 30mins.

Completely trashed, I get in the tub. The house is quiet except for the occasional creek from the neighbours or a murmer from my sister and her boyfriend that are sleeping over.

I keep hearing noises. Creepy noises. What the Hell? I keep envisioning these crazy scenarios where I am in the tub - naked - and someone comes in and attacks me, stabs me, drowns me or eats me. No more Clive Barker for me, I decide. I tell myself that I am being rediculous and that my imagination is running away with me. I can't relax. Too tense. Too trashed. Too paranoid.

I sink down into the water, holding my breath. That always relaxes me. Head under water. Just listening to my heartbeat. My mind wanders. I envision someone coming in while I'm under the water with my eyes closed and suddenly sit up - heaving to regain composure and oxygen. Eyes wide open. Quiet.

I look down into the water and gasp! OMG! Blood! I'm in a tub full of BLOOD! I scream (which nobody heard). I almost have a heart-attack until I realise that it's only hairdye. See, I dyed my hair the day before and didn't rinse properly. Anyway, that's why the tub was red.

I get out and tiptoe to my bed, not bothering to switch on any lights, peering around corners. I feel stupid and go to sleep, giggeling like a schoolgirl. This picture is from my good friend Shakira, who is demented, as I am.

Who else hates clowns?

2006-09-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

I had a dream...

2006-09-08T02:39:00.000-07:00

I had a terrible nightmare. I think it’s because I’ve been eating too much junk food lately.
In my dream, Mr. Taurus marries my cousin and nobody shared this news with me. I found out at the wedding and was devastated. Everybody lied to me about it. It was stormy, with thunder and lightning and sea-tornadoes everywhere. At the reception, I saw him and he grabbed me by the elbow, saying that we are going to sort this out once and for all. I got away from him and he chased me up to a tower. When I got up there, I say a giant stained-glass window. I threw something at it and it shattered. Then wind and rain came in and there was chaos outside. I looked at the wild, stormy sea beneath me and prepared to jump. Mr. Taurus caught me and threw me to the floor. A snowflake or something like it, but more shiny and glowing rushed at me and collided with me. I started to float, in suspended animation, frozen. He caught me before I fell to the ground again. The Priest stepped out of nowhere and told me of a vision he had seen while
I was suspended in the air. He said that he could see into other dimensions and that this has happened before, and that I shouldn’t worry because I had been married in all the other realities. I didn’t take the news well and fled again to the window, bumping my hand and cutting my bare feet in the glass. I went for the window and was about to jump out, when I woke up in my bed. I was really freaked out this morning, but I’m fine now. I know it was just a dream. The funny thing is that, this morning, I have a scratch on my hand that wasn’t there yesterday and I have a blister in my foot that is hurting so much that I convinced myself that I must have stepped in something sharp. I know that I read too much and that I have an overactive imagination, so I’m not saying it’s another vision. I’m just a little freaked out by it, since yet again; Mr. Taurus has popped up in my subconscious messages to myself. What does it mean? I’m so unsettled. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in interconnectivity. I believe that everything is related.

City Spring

2006-09-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

I Love Pretoria. There are so many trees and I really know my way around – sort of. Most of my best friends live here too and it is sort of the place to be if you want to break into the Publishing industry. I especially love October, when the Jacaranda trees bloom. This entire green city turns completely purple. There is nothing like walking down the street when it is purple above you, purple besides you and purple beneath you. It is like walking through a purple tunnel and it is said that when a Jacaranda blossom falls on your head, it is good luck.

Of course, it’s not October yet so we still have a while until the extreme purple-ness swallows us. And it means something else to students: Start studying for the exams! So here I am, almost finished with my studies and almost a working girl. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my flat, I love my country, I love this city. I’ve been given so many opportunities and squandered many of them, but I’m still here. Every morning when I walk to Varsity, I am again overwhelmed by the beauty of this place. But I also notice something else. This city makes you so hard. It turns your heart to stone and your blood into ice-water. I used to smile at everyone, saying Good Morning to every one. Now, you just can’t do that anymore. People look at you funny when you do, like they just can’t believe someone has the nerve to talk to them, or like I want something to them, or they can use this opportunity t make obscene remarks or to try and get in my pants. Being friendly mostly leads other people to take liberties. As a woman, I have to constantly mistrust everyone, like all of them are potential rapists and/or muggers, kidnappers and/or murderers.

I wouldn’t mind leaving this place. I was toying with the idea of going to the UK for a year of so, but maybe I should just try another city. Durban is out of the question. Jozi is an option, but generally I find it so pretentious. Cape Town is great if you are a Publisher… I suppose I just need a couple of new faces, a new beginning, new opportunities, and new possibilities. I don’t want to stagnate. I don’t want to live here forever. Not yet, anyway. I’m only 25. Don’t I get to change my life a couple of times still?

On another subject entirely, what the hell is up with Whaling? Why are the powers that be even allowing this horrible practise to continue? How many people actually eat Whale meat and use Whale oil? The practises of killing whales are exceedingly cruel. Harpooning is so inhumane! Have we not progressed enough as a species to realise how irresponsible it is to carry on so carelessly? The Whale is one of nature’s most beautiful creatures and is very close to disappearing altogether. We haven’t even begun to learn anything from these ancient gods of the sea, while there is ample proof that they are as intelligent as the great Apes?

Grrr Argh!

2006-09-01T04:43:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey!

Happy Spring day everybody!

Oh, and also, Queen Lestat informs me that it was World Blog day on Wednesday, so Happy blogging to all!

The play opened last night and was a roaring success, I can't wait for tonight, which will be even better!

I've been rehearsed at a relentless pace. While this means that I don't really have a life at the moment, it ensures that we are all so over-rehearsed that we could do it in our sleep.
My little one-liner has turned into quite a cameo and I really really love my character. I've always wanted to be a vampire. Except for the whole 'no daylight' thing and the blood thing, it must be super cool. Anne Rice (the godess) has romanticised it so much that I would really love to live forever. Although, I really like the idea of an after-life... The sunlight allergy I could do without... Maybe I'll leave the Vampiring to those truly committed to it. I would just be a source of great controversy as a vampire, informing every one constantly that humans are people too and that we shouldn't drink their blood.

I went to the most beautiful wedding the other day. Three years ago, I was the chairperson of The Inklings, the Literacry society on campus. That year, we hosted the Spring ball and that is where J & A first met. (I take full credit for that!) Soon after they got together, I had a dream of their children and ofcourse told them about it. Three years later, I'm sitting in a beautiful chapel, watching them exchange vows and crying my big green eyes out because I'm so overwhelmed by the amasingness of it all. I've never seen two people so much inlove and more perfect for one another. Deep down, underneath all the bullshit, I'm just a big old softy. If I ever get married, it will be for the same reasons. Why go through with it if you can have unwavering devotion and ever expanding Loving!

I'll probably be the last one to marry of my current group of friends, if I ever do. I'm holding out for a hero. In the meantime, I'm taking one day at a time, enjoying what is left of my youth and basking in the glow of my own amazingness. Just kidding. I am convinced however, that there is no reason to bother if there can't be lots of passion!

Whats that smell?

2006-08-21T02:22:00.000-07:00

Someone said to me the other day that you know that spring is coming when you can smell Jasmin all over.

This morning I was walking to Varsity down my favourite street - long and relatively quiet, lined with the most beautiful trees. Arcadia street. I could feel Spring in the air,
no, I could smell it, thanks to the Jasmin. full of promise. My sister Tish said that I smell of the Ocean, Pearls and Jasmin. I love that. I love you Tishi!My life is very complicated right now, I have so many Varsity things to do, the Play and a very complicated love-life, that I'm sure I would be much better without. Its somehow much simpler if you're single. And I am now, its just a matter of staying that way. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it. As long as I can still look myself in the eyes, I guess its all fine -- right?
I don't want to be Estella. I want to be Emma, or Elizabeth Bennet. Happy Spring to all Africans (don't venture out without a scarf just yet, Ernest Hemmingway warned us about hte false spring. That's when nature lulls you into a false sense of security, just so that she could take one last stab at our bodies with her ice cold finger.) and to all others, I can just imagine how it must suck to be you right now, missing out on this glorious African weather.

Like Estella?

2006-08-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

Eleanor Roosevelt said that ‘Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product’. That was what it said on the sugar-packet that came with my morning Café Mocha. I just love Huletts sugar-packet wisdom! My weekend was quite hectic. My story begins on Thursday – no wait! It goes back further than that!
Mr. Cancer and I had not been going out for long, when he first called me a Fence-sitter. (one who has not yet chosen between God or the Devil). I really resented that, because the only reason he said this, was because I am interested in a variety of different things, from Tao-ism to Astrology. He said that I had obviously not made my choice yet and that ‘sitting on the fence’ was just as bad as choosing the Devil.

Thus condemned to Hell by my so-called beloved, I let it go, because he says random stupid things all the time. I did however, vow that if he ever says anything like that again, he was getting a piece of my mind! On Thursday night, we went to watch the Johannesburg Philharmonic Orchestra perform. It was a magical evening! There was a Cello concerto that brought tears to my eyes! Afterwards, we went home and he and I were cuddling on the couch, chatting away, when he brought up religion again. Then he said those fateful words: ‘and then there are Fence-sitters, like you…’ I didn’t let him finish. I erupted and said something like ‘if you ever say that to me again, I will NEVER speak to you again! At this he flipped his lid and left. I was furious and we had a heated SMS debate about it. He did call later to find out if I was ok, which was sweet. We agreed to meet on Saturday after my rehearsal to talk.
Friday I went to a party and all my friends told me to break up with him. I felt like I should give him a chance still. Saturday arrived and after my rehearsal, he came over.

(Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett @ The Lier theatre on campus @ the University of Pretoria, 31st Aug – 3rd Sept. Tickets are R35 and are selling like hotcake. For presales, contact Maria Prozesky at the English department. I would also give you her number, but my phone is broken. If anyone wishes to contact me, I can still receive calls, but that’s it).

I looked at his ill-humoured, sulky expression once and said that we both knew this wasn’t’ going to work. So I broke up with him and he definitely doesn’t want to be friends. I just can’t be with someone that narrow-minded and intolerant and judgemental! I think I really hurt him.. Oh Boo-hoo. Yep, I’m single again! I felt like a real cad, though. Afterwards, I went to the Propaganda party I had promised to go to and bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He’s an Aquarius. Mmmm. Don’t think anything will come of it though.. a fling is just a fling after all. Besides, I like being single and free much more.

In the end, I guess I realised how happy I was with my life after all. I really have nothing to complain about, as long as I keep listening to both my head and my heart. They can fight it out. I will agonise no longer! I’ve been desperately searching for happiness, but it’s been right in front of me the whole time! Life is always going to happen. Appreciate yourself and you will just be happy automatically! Watch this space…

Where's the fire!?!

2006-08-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

Since I’ve always tended a little bit towards depression, I don’t usually pay any (real) attention to conclusions arrived at while in such a state. I realised long ago that these moods come and go and it is up to me to change the way I handle these situations. After all, we all have the ability to determine how we are going to let something affect us. I realise that we react to stimuli in a specific way because we are used to doing it like we do. I have the power over my own perceptions and no one else! No amount of cultural conditioning can keep me from doing what I feel in my heart in right. Your mind can be warped if you let it and your heart is never unaffected by its situation, but I believe that in listening to both and agonising over something always produces the best resolutions.

Here's me, taking pictures of myself in bed, cause I am incredibly vain.

That said, let me now proceed to complaining about my life once more.. I’ve realised that this relationship I’m in cannot really go anywhere. Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy and anyone looking for a safe, dependable, sweet and sensitive Cancerion would love to have him. I haven’t quite decided what to do, I’m still at the aforementioned agonising stage and I don’t want to make rash decisions. He’s just not lighting my fire – so to speak. This Leo wants passion and excitement. His Cancerion rain is putting out my Leo fire and I can’t have that. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him in any other way than superficially and that wears thin. I don’t need a good candidate for a husband and father. I need someone who I look forward to seeing, someone who I can’t get enough of. He is really handsome and charming, but there is very little chemistry.

Then there’s the fact that we have each bought into different ideologies. We already have 3 unmentionable subjects between us: Politics, Religion and the French Foreign Legion. (No comment on the latter.) The point is that I have to think about myself and my happiness and I don’t think that he is contributing at all to it. I have considered that I might be acting very irrationally at the moment and do not wish to make a hasty decision, but I think that if, by the end of August things have not improved, I should break up with him. For both our sakes. Especially mine.

Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion, the romance, the excitement? I don’t think that Cancerion and Leo is a very good combination anyway. Besides, how can I be with one person while I am still dreaming of another every night? I don’t entertain any more childish notions that Mr. Taurus and I can ever be together. I think I’ve screwed that one up beyond repair. Pity. For the moment my fantasy land is trying to get me to acknowledge that the current situation is not working, regardless what my wishes are. As I am writing this, I am completely at peace and am thinking quite rationally. Perhaps I’ve made some sort of a breakthrough?

Now that I have committed myself to at least giving him until the end of August, I have also realised that I have to meet him halfway. Give him a fair chance. Therefore, from now on I will make an effort with him, if only till the end of the month. I have already had a really nice lunch with him and his family and things do seem to be improving slightly. I must not forget that, because I don’t see him all that often, it can be rather difficult to have a relationship under these conditions. So great, a nice day. Big Deal! Only time will tell whether or not this is going to work. What a hassle. I guess no one ever said it was going to be easy!

Here is a picture of the view off of my balcony. Look at my sunset!

A new beginning.

2006-08-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

Sawabona!

Well, now that my Marilu is safely in Japan, I can go on with my life in sunny old South Africa. Someone should tell the sun, though, because it seems to have taken a vacation. Probably wise to get away too, since the flippin third world war is on our doorstep!

On a lighter note, my life is just peachy right now. I have no money, no job, no working cell phone and no car, but I do have a great new place to live and am dileriously happy. My new relationship is also going well. I'm taking it very very slowly. So right now, I'm just living my life the way I want to and enjoying every second of my new found freedom. Have also discovered that I have a lot of power over men. Don't worry, I won't be using it for evil. I'm not a man, I don't need to abuse power to feel alive!
I have no idea where that came from.
DOWN WITH PATRIARCHY!!!
Nor do I have any intention of defending that one...

Umm, ok. I guess I will be back when I have something of interest to say. And since I'm addicted to the internet, it won't be long until I grace you all with my magnificent presence once again. Fear not!

Ciao!

ROAR! said the Lion.

2006-07-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Today I am 25. Actually, when I say today, I mean this day on the 23rd of July. I don’t know when I’m going to get to post anything. Don’t have money for the Internet café. So what else is new? What a strange day. This weekend started off so badly. I organised a party on Friday - very badly! Everything went wrong from step one to step umm, well, the last one. Then of course, I hear that my old friend Mercury is in retrograde and we all know how that turned out the last time. Personally, I think Mercury is jealous of me somehow… Well, so when we arrived at the party, we were two hours late, the venue had been double booked, half of the people had already left and the few who remained only stayed long enough for me to chat with shortly and then left. I didn’t even have enough time to really talk to anyone. It feels like I collected presents and exchanged pleasantries and then had to move on to the next person, because everyone was demanding my attention. Then of course, Mr. Taurus is there and I almost have heart failure, because I’m so glad to see him, come especially for the party, so sweet. I know he wasn’t there just for me, but I would be lying if I said that when he’s in the room, I am not affected at all. In fact, I was too affected for my own good. I guess I’ll always think of him in terms of the future, when all things that seem impossible now, have a real chance of happening then. To the future! Anyway, it gets worse. My boyfriend, who was supposed to work and couldn’t come to the party, shows up to surprise me. Now, this handsome young Cancerion came into the picture just a few days before, when on his birthday, we went on a date and just ended up dating. He’s so wonderful and I want him to be very happy. He seems to think that I’m a goddess, so I’m just going to go with it and hope that he doesn’t wake up from that fantasy too soon. No one has ever wanted to date me. Most guys are just interested in sex or want me to read their mind to know how they are feeling. This man actually wants to spend time with me because he loves my mind and wants to just be with me. I AM SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS NEW SENSATION OF BEING NEEDED AND WANTED and let’s face it. It’s realistic because he’s willing and able to commit to me. He’s trying to slay the dragon! So, here is Mr Dragon slayer and Mr. Taurus at one party. I feel like I’ve betrayed Mr Taurus, even though I don’t owe him any allegiance more that friendship. I feel like I’m misleading Mr Dragon slayer, which I really was not. Maybe I was just so overwhelmed. The party was a train crash. I was on an emotional rollercoaster one minute and flat lining the next. I don’t know what I expected. Luckily, my friends were there, and I m so grateful to them for being in my life and not running away kicking and screaming from the crazy lady. Probably shouldn’t have gotten wasted to try and cope either. That might just have made it all worse. I had lots of fun in the end. And I was so glad it was over. And I was just freaking out way too much. Like, I thought I would be able to handle little things like this. Maybe before I turned 25 I just had to be irredeemably incapable for the last time. Thanks Mercury you cold hearted son of a bi-atch! So, today is my birthday and my boyfriend still hasn’t dumped me for being insane and indecisive. Maybe he likes his women crazy, I don’t know. I’m going to stop being a commitment phobe now. For this year, my wish is that I will be happy and successful and that I will be able to make my amazing friends and family very happy. I wish to discover new things about myself and the world and to live the inspiration. I have had wonderful examples and influences from the people I will just call my Royal advisors. As I am about to embark on a whole new chapter, I look back fondly, hoping that it was all worth it to get here and that I will never stop learning about and loving being alive. And never again will I be organising any parties, especially not for myself.
So, right now it is the day after my birthday and I must say that all things considered, it was wonderful. My new boyfriend treated me to wine, salad and bought me a present, which he was not supposed to do, since we had only been together for 4 days. He’s so incredibly sweet and I’m going to do my best not to screw it up with him. Also, I believe it is important to hold on to my individuality, because you cannot possess someone and you can definitely not allow anyone to possess you. I think I’m going to be fine. I’m an adult now and know a lot better. Tune in next time for some more developments!

Another day another dollar...

2006-07-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the weeks been interesting, to say the least. I have found that at this moment in time, I am just super, thanx for asking! I'm extatic, really. I might be inlove, I might not, I'm in anticipation, I'm trying not to be, I'm being intellectually challenged in a way that I feel so incredibly intrigued by (have to write reviews for a theatrical festival, YEAH!), there's mystery in my life, there's excitement, there's new possibilities, there's uncertainties, YEAH!
I feel great, and to think, I've only got a few days before I'm 25 and I actually am happy. Yes, ME! I'm happy to be me and that is something I had to grow into. I suppose its the same as growing into a pair of shoes when you're 9.

Anyway, I'm about to be a quarter of a century old, and I feel FABULOUS! At peace, comfortable in my own body and in my headspace. I love me. Or maybe that's just the wine talking. You know, this life has so many possibilities and so many amazing people to share it with. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside................................................
I love my friends. You know who you are. Kindred Spirits. There are so few, but they are so wonderful if you can find them.

What a life.

2006-07-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

I mean, I don't think anyone has so many issues and insecurities as I do. I just wish I could get over myself sometimes, and not wallow so much in self-pity. It's pathetic, really. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. There is so much of life that I still want to see, so many people that I still want to meet. Sometimes I feel as though my friends fail to see how scared I am and how much reassurance I need. Then, I snap back to reality and realise that I shouldn't be relying on other people's assurances.
I suppose its because I am an incredibly self-absorbed and vain drama Queen. Maby I'm being too hard on myself. Nobody asks me how I really am anymore. It's not that they don't care, I just don't think they are really interested. Maybe I just miss my Therapist, who used to listen to me go on like this for hours...
Somethimes I even get jealous of some of my friends. What a terrible thing to be envious of those you love! Am I making a mountain of a molehill? Has the Queen finally flipped her lid? Well, I think its just the stress of almost turning 25. On the 23rd of July. The countdown has officially begun and I'm getting a little nervous. I'm not about to go into another self-doubt session, I know that I'm going to be fine. It just helps to know that people love spending time with me, that I too have something to offer in the way of excitement! Am I boring? It's true that I have retreated a bit into myself in the last couple of months. Do people find it tiring to be with me? Don't they know that I just need some encouragement? Don't they want me to stay? I'm always leaving. Maybe someone should give me a reason to stay! Umm, ok, I think I've gone far enough. I like myself very much! I guess it would be nice if people showed me that they like me too, instead of .. well.. oh never mind! I have lost it after all.
At least I'm throwing the biggest birthday bash ever! I intend to go into maturity with a bang that will make the Earth resonate for months to come!

Say what you mean and mean what you say

2006-07-09T04:10:00.000-07:00

Are you only half alive or have you always been this inarticulate?
I think that was Jewel.

I have to remember that I am a grown up now and that I am no longer allowed to pine over someone who it would only frustrate me to try and understand. I cannot read minds. If you do not tell me things, I cannot know them I am one. I am me. No one owns me. I am my own. If you want me, get in line and come and try to get me. Trust me, Im worth it. I love frequently and completely. I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe I will awaken from this dream and find myself alone and happily so, complete as I am now, and strong, and always willing to love. (Note that love does not necessarily imply sex). Those who have known the most love will appreciate it more than those who were afraid of it and never tried it. As of now, you can no longer hurt me. I am untouchable. I will allow you to try to win my heart, but never forget that I will always have the final say. Its my heart after all.

Todays song: Whats it called? Shes been everybody elses girl, maybe one day she will be her own, Tori Amos, the goddess.
I want to take this opportunity to give a shout out to my bestest buddy Marilu, who is leaving us for the beautiful East, in order to roam like a gypsy through the world, encountering places and people and experiencing life as a being that is fully conscious of all of its beauty. Born on Friday the 13th, this tall waif-like creature has left a deep impression on everyone who has ever known her and made herself absolutely unforgettable. Marymoo, you are the Fire Maya, you are the Metro-maia, the Mwayi-Ree-Lu, you are phenomenal. I love you so much.

I want to dedicate a song to you, but which one? There have been so many since Ive known you. Lets see … Moloko, it has to be Moloko. All of it. I can never listen to any of those CDs again without my thoughts instantly turning to you. Sayonara!

Belief is a full-time job...

2006-06-30T03:50:00.000-07:00

The Most amazing thing has happened. I find myself completely at peace. Well, sort of. I’m supposed to be studying for my Sick Exam right now, but I’ll get to it. Just had to write something. I had to get it out of my head, for fear that I will explode if I don’t. The concepts of Truth and Beauty are discussed in Memnoch the Devil. This was the only one of the Vampire Chronicles that I hadn’t read yet, but am now making up for it. It goes very well with my current state of mind and supports what has been swimming around in my head ever since I read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Well, no, ever since I read Shakespeare. Ever since I heard Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for the first time. Ever since I read Paulo Coelho. Ever since I read Tom Robbins. How amazing is this world we live in? This reality, whatever it might turn out to mean, has infinite possibilities and magnificence. It has so much that it is almost too much for one soul to stand. That’s why we search for a partner - to share the sheer load of it all, all that Greatness.

In Memnoch, our hero - the Vampire Lestat, undergoes a journey into Heaven and Hell. Its sort of a Faustian situation that goes on, but I will not reveal too much, since I want people to go and read it. It takes modern and pre-modern concepts of God and the Devil and integrates it with what we understand as Darwinian Evolution. What is the point of it all? Why is it all happening? Why does God allow all of this suffering and evil things to exist? Anne Rice makes an excellent point and I really like what shes done with these ideas. I like that as I read, my faith is challenged around every turn of the page. I question what I know (or believe) and reinforce it with reason and logic and all those (not quite as fun as supernatural) things. Science VS Faith. Ive never thought that the two should be mutually exclusive.

I question my existence just like any person. What is my reason for being here? I dont believe in coincidence, I sort of believe in Destiny and Predetermination. So, whats the plan then? Can I ever know? Heres what I think: I believe that we are put on this Earth (each individual with his/her own capacity to understand and perceive) to endure whatever this world can throw at us. Some have it harder than others. I dont think its fair either, but no one ever said it was going to be fair. Each of us have different things to endure and overcome if, by the end of your life (which remains undeterminable) you have perceived enough to make up your own mind about things. Did you spend your time on Earth appreciating your time on Earth? Did you perceive all the Truth and Beauty and Revelation around you? Did you appreciate how amazing the whole of Creation is? Are you able to forgive others for the things they have done to you? Are you able to forgive God for putting you through the difficult things in your life and can you accept that He has His reasons and that in due time (at His discretion), you will know too? Can you forgive yourself for the things you have done to yourself and others? Can you draw acceptance out of all the Quintessential Beauty of Creation that is all around you if you look hard enough? Can you hear the answers and not necessarily like them, but still accept them and be at peace?

I believe that Love and everything that falls under it is the only way to do it. The nature of Love is very simple, I dont need to go into that. That is why, when you meet someone and spend time with them (if only for a short while) and they make the world a more beautiful place than it already is, is that not glorious? All I can offer as proof is my tiny bit of experience. As stated before, people come in and out of our lives and some leave more of an imprint than others. It feels wonderful to have my feelings acknowledged and it feels as if all is right with the world. It feels great to know I didnt imagine it all. It really happened! Confirmation. The potential of this life to continually surprise you is astounding. I didnt think it would ever happen to me for real! Even if it was short-lived - for the moment. Who know what the future will bring. I can draw so much strength from the fact that someone out there thinks Im amazing. They love me the way Ive always wanted to be loved and never dreamed possible. Getting confirmation that ones feelings for another is returned (even in some small way), is a little bit like what it must feel like to come to the end of your life and finding out that all you believe in and cling to - all of your Universal Truth - is real. Does that not redeem all the bad things? Is that not a sign that Good is triumphing over Evil? And what about those two? Are they mutually exclusive? What about balance? Ok, Ill stop now; this is getting out of hand! Too many questions and not nearly enough answers. I look forward to finding the answers, but Im willing to be patient for them. Time will reveal it all. All I have to do is to make sure that I can deal with the Truth when I am confronted with it.

While reading Memnoch, my beliefs were challenged quite often and I have to say, they hold up quite nicely. Im not worried. And meanwhile, Life goes on. I really should get a real job soon. Anyone need a good Editor or Publisher?

Patchess' big mention.

2006-06-25T02:15:00.000-07:00

Here's my kitty Patches.
Isn't she sooooooooooo beautiful!?!
Her full name and title is Princess Patchess the Furry.

I love you my honey pie!!!

The Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me

2006-06-21T01:49:00.000-07:00

On the way to the coast, the stupid bus broke down. Luckily this happened not far from the halfway stop and I could go for some real coffee while we waited for the replacement bus. The new bus had to be sent from Joburg and was 4 hours away. Yeah for real coffee! Before leaving for Ballito, I had an anxiety attack of sorts. I became convinced that I was going to die in a bus accident and never see anyone I loved ever again. Just when I started to drown in these somewhat irrational emotions, all my friends showed up and saved me from myself. Thanks guys! Thanks especially to Dandelion, who dropped everything and rushed over to my side when she heard I was upset.

Anyway, so while I was waiting for the bus (reading and drinking copious amounts of coffee), this dude came over to talk to me. He was very upset about the bus business and had obviously already had a few beers. I explained to him that it was better for them to delay us than us having an accident and that I was sure this was happening for a reason. He looked at me funny and asked how I could be so sure. I said (and realized it at that moment) that I had to believe it, otherwise my life had no meaning, that everything was connected and that there were no coincidences. He thanked me for being nice to him. Apparently no one had ever talked to him with so much respect before. I merely smiled and said that everyone deserves respect. Then he practically proposed marriage! I laughed it off, but he was quite adamant. He said that he is never going to find someone like me again and I said that he would be surprised at how many women like me there are. Again he insisted that I marry him and I said something along the lines of that men only want to possess women and that I have no desire to be possessed. I hope that didn’t sound too condescending, but he was starting to weird me out.
He did say that I had an inner-light; a warmth that was overwhelming to him. I must admit that this made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I was just happy to be alive and the thought that my life had meaning was a nice one. To think that just a few hours before, I was crying and being all irrational about this trip. I was not dead, but alive. And I was inspiring someone, making them feel better.
There is meaning to my life after all and I’ve realized that Life is what you make of it.

Ok, so much for part one of this story. Part two consists of something a little different. Everyone who knows me will be able to tell you that I drive myself crazy just out of pure enjoyment. Well, maybe not enjoyment, but generally it is the by-product of an under-stimulated mind. I’m not going to do that any more. And I’m not going to let others do that to me either. I really am not crazy. Just a little bored. I remain in control of my own mind. I am the Space-Monkey that has assumed command of this melon!
So, enter Mr. Taurus. There is nothing boring about Mr. Taurus. In fact, this handsome young male is in every way that I can see, absolutely beautiful. I really don’t know what to say about him, he’s probably going to laugh at me when he reads all about himself. What I can say is that I’ve known him for a while, though I don’t think I’ve ever really known him before. Not like this. Not that he’s a mysterious person by nature, just that there’s a lot there and it takes more than a moment to see it clearly. He is a Watcher and is Always Watching.
I’m so afraid of what he’ll see.
I don’t know what to call our little ‘romance’, it feels as if mere words are insufficient to describe it. Do I love him? Who knows what that is.. I love going to the beach with him, sharing all of that beauty with him. I love how on top of the world I feel, gazing out onto the horizon, knowing that he is right there, doing the same thing. I love when he takes my hand, I love when he kisses me. I love the way he smiles when he kisses me or when I kiss him. I’m kind of shy around him, but he is so cute about it, he makes me feel at ease with this amazing energy that he exudes. I love his smile and his hair. I love his head, it’s a good head. I love his eyes, I love his mouth, I love his laugh. I love his smell. I love how incredibly hot he is. I love his strength, which shines through in everything he does. I love his strong arms and I love when he takes me into them. I love that he understands what I’m saying, not a lot of people do. I love how he talks to people. I love that he loves my cat. I love how patient he is. I love how focused he is. I love getting wasted with him. Ok, I’m totally running away with this. The point I’m trying to make is that he is amazing. Sometimes I catch myself listening to songs and thinking of him. Then of course, I stop, because I’m being ridiculous. My inner-Sakura says NO! I’m leaving, right?

I’ve never considered geography a major factor between friends, but between lovers it is quite devastating. Suffice it to say that I live far away from him and therefore, cannot allow myself to even think along the lines of love, whatever that is.. Ever since I got here, it’s been like an emotional rollercoaster for me and I have changed my mind about this so many times. I have also re-drafted this entry several times. I don’t even know what is going on inside his head, I can only imagine that he … never mind, I’m not going to venture a guess. Every time I decide that it would be best to just leave it be, he shows up being so damn cute and irresistible. I’m so weak! When I got here with my infamous big mouth, I said something stupid like ‘I wouldn’t mind getting my heart broken, just to know what it feels like’. Yeah, I wasn’t serious! But of all of the stupid things I say, this is the one that the Universe responds to. The irony kills me! I dare not think along those lines though, because I’m leaving pretty soon and the last thing I need is to be in love with someone who lives far away. Not that I’m at all saying that this is love. I’m going to stop saying that now. I’m going to miss him so much. I wish this could go on, so that I would have time to show him who I really am. Right now, I’m just showing him the tip of the iceberg, because I don’t want to waste the little time we have with things like that. Which things?
I’m very much in-like. He’s very easy to fall for, because he is so amazing. I know he likes me too, of that much I’m pretty sure. He’s always stuck me as a decent guy who wouldn’t fake it with someone just for the sake of some fun. I’m sure he really wants to be there. Of course, the record shows me to be a very poor judge of character, since I am so very gullible. (I prefer Trusting).
Nevertheless, I would hate to be wrong about this one.
Frau Frau understands me. So does Jonathan Davis as well as the Foo Fighters.

It is complicated, as it always is. We’re never alone much, but when we are, I really enjoy him. I am having fun. I won’t say though, that whatever is going on is merely fun. For it to be that, I should not care about him like this at all. We come with a little bit of history.. I respect and revere him too much for it to mean absolutely nothing to me. I’m enjoying his company so much. What’s that song? ‘..and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you..’
The flip side is that I have my life to whip into shape and he is just starting a new life somewhere far away from me. I want both of us to be happy and whole - Not pining for something far away - that would only be a half-life. He is so strong in life and I have learnt a lot from him, though I’m sure he is unaware of it. You see, I’ve always been a Watcher too. And I’ve been watching him constantly. Maybe it’s because I’m reading Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, that the idea of being a watcher is such a powerful one to me. To watch and to learn and to understand the bigger picture: the nature of nature.
One of the most thrilling experiences is to be seen seeing; To be watched watching; To be observed observing. I feel naked, like there is nowhere I can hide. What do I represent, what do I do? What does he want from me, what does he expect? Who knows! What do I expect? Why can I not say these things to him? Maybe I’m a better writer than a speaker. Maybe I’m a weenie. Maybe I’m afraid of what he’ll say. Maybe I’m afraid of what he won’t say. Maybe I’m not afraid at all, just smart. When writing, I have time to reflect on what I am really feeling and to not drown in irrational initial reactions. I hate – no - detest fear and uncertainty.

Communication has always been hard for me face to face, because I never know what people expect from me. I don’t even know what I expect from myself. Maybe I do.. Maybe disappointing myself is the worst thing that could happen. If I disappoint myself, maybe I lose all the self-respect I have fought so hard to gain. My ivory-tower is fragile yet.. Anyway, I am drifting from the point. Or am I? Maybe I am truly nearing the point for the first time. People come in and out of your life and the only really consistent one is You yourself. We should all learn to appreciate the amazing people we meet and remember them when they are gone. Honoring their memory - so to speak..
Maybe I do love Mr. Taurus. Maybe I always have and that is why he is still allowed in my life. Maybe I am only noticing his true brilliance now. This romantic spirit of mine would love nothing more than the drama involved in being in love with someone I cannot have, but my new rational, grown-up side realizes that I am lucky to have had what I do and I can draw a lot of strength from that.
I’ve always believed that nothing is stronger than Love, whatever that is.

Adventures of Ree in the land of dust.

2006-06-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

There goes the neighbourhood!

So, Im off to the coast to regain my sanity. I didnt get to write my last exam that was on 666. I got a sick-note. I know what you are thinking, but I assure you, I didnt have to fake any illness, Im really sick. It certainly doesnt help that the block across from me is getting demolished to make way for progress and the eventual Gautrain-station. Theres so much light now…
Demolition is no laughing matter. Not caring that people who live in the area are most likely students, hellishly studying for the June Exams, they have been a-demolishing happily from 07h00-21h00 every day for the last 3 weeks, only taking a much deserved break on Sundays. It looks like a war zone out there and sounds like you are constantly under fire! The dust is everywhere and it is no wonder that everyone is coming down with chest-area sicknesses. No one can breathe properly and I wish I had a mask to walk around with. The noise is really getting to me too. Its grating. I tremble even when Im not in the flat. I'm sick and the anti-biotics are killing me; hormonal; sleep-depraved; Exam ridden; seriously in panic because I have only 1 month left to find another place to live and a job to pay the rent; my flatmate and I are clinging to hope of release while trying not to take our frustrations out on each other; I havent seen my cat or my parents in a long time and seriously lack something or someone to be fascinated with.
Stinks, huh? Would it surprise you in anyway to find out that I dont think Ive ever been happier in my entire life?
Im finally learning to like myself and to come to terms with things that Ive never been able to before. I think that Ive reached a certain plateau of emotional maturity. I used to think that everything that is wrong was my own fault and consequently, was very hard on myself. I supposed Ive accepted that life is not always fair. Now, I know I dont have it so bad, but I'm also done comparing myself to other people. I cannot live my life like that. I can't constantly be assessing what I have and what others have. It would drive me insane and keep me from doing the things I set out to do. Who am I? Do you really want to know?
Just kidding. The point is that I know who I am and I refuse to listen to other opinions on the matter. Certain people are fond of having such opinions and imposing them on me. I'm also done blaming myself for relationships that don’t work out, when I clearly was the one NOT at fault. Its true that I have many issues, but at least I dont make them those of other people! Hey, Tim? Anyway, so now I live in what I have affectionately come to call: Chechnya-all-over-again. Jansie, Margaux and I have decided to document this blessed event, which is undeniably, the end of an era. The following are pictures of what is going on outside my flat in the middle of Hatfields’ busiest street - Burnette street. I think every old-Hatfieldite can appreciate this, since it has been a part of Hatfield reality for many years. Notice the somewhat victorious destruction of Recess and Times 4, which have been Sodom& Gomorra for as long as Ive lived here. Poor little Katja cutie-pooh is having a tough time with the noise and shakes too!
Destruction? carnage? Bwah-ha-ha! What a great time to be moving!
Your Queen will be on holiday at a really pretty and quiet beach until the 23rd, where the only sounds I will hear is that of the ocean - which may or may not be trying to kill me. Lots of fun to be had and never a dull moment. WATCH THIS SPACE!

And I declare this, My Independence Day.

2006-06-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

I decided today that I am going to stop being so dependent on everyone else. Not because the world has taught me that you cannot count on them. I realise that all people cannot be trusted, I'm not that naive! Plenty of the people that I know can be relied upon for anything!
The point is that I've decided that I am strong and capable. I can depend on myself, because I am able to in most cases. I'm obviously not including extreme circumstances in my little scenario. Maybe I just needed to realise my own worth, my own strength. Maybe I have. Just to stop being so in need of guidance all the time! I'm almost 25 years old for Pete's Sake! Time to grow up!

I am being too hard on myself, I know. My therapist maintains that that is the root of all my problems. Whatever.. I have ree-assumed command of this mind.

It's all about control and confidence.

I'm going away for a little while. Visit the folks down in Ballito.

My studpid friend Grt made a stupid joke about something so damn stupid,
and now I'm obsessing over it.

Thanks alot for putting these ideas into my head, Grt!

Grrr!

The end?

2006-06-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

What if I died tomorrow?
I’ve been very emotional lately and I cannot fight the feeling that the world is going to end. What if there were no tomorrow? What if today was my last day on Earth?
What would I have wanted my last day to include? I realise that I have 9 days left before my Exams are officially over for this semester and I should probably focus on those 9 days than on just one day… But this is an especially important day we’re talking about. If I die, this blog would never receive a new entry, but would exist up to my last entry most likely forever! I realise that I must sound very silly sometimes, going on and on about things that don’t really matter. In the end, I guess I decided that what others think of me isn’t as important as what I think of me. I am conflicted as to my own identity and this is manifested in the way I approach life. If I had more self-confidence, I could take over the world. Grrr…Arggh! I have recently become aware of my own strength and have surprised myself with the sheer magnitude of it, flowing through me like electricity.
Now, If I died tomorrow, I would like the following things known about me. I am Ree. I believe in Love and that God is Love. It is energy that encompasses everything. That is why Love is stronger than EVERYTHING and ANYTHING out there. I belief that everything that Love entails and requires of a person are what should be considered good values. I belief that people make mistakes and will continue to do so. The only way to progress past this point is to learn from your mistakes and get over them, becoming stronger and better in the process. I believe that you can learn something from everyone that comes across your way. I believe that in retrospect, everything becomes clearer and we are able to see why things happen the way they do. I believe in the innate goodness of everyone and am saddened by the realisation that you cannot trust everyone. There are bad people out there that want to harm you, so be vigilant and stick to your principles. I believe that Integrity is one of the most important qualities a person can have and that it must never be called into question. You must always preserve your integrity. I believe that when you love, you must do so with every fibre of your being, even when it seems unrealistic or impossible. I believe we must forgive, even if it seems unlikely. I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in building people up, not breaking them down. I believe in peace, but at the same time, that we should fight for what is right. I do not believe that violence is the only option in a fight. I believe in predetermination, but also that we construct our own realities. This is possible because of Free Will, which is the most amazing thing. I think God gave us Free Will because He/She loves us like a parent loves his/her children: so much that we are trusted to choose for ourselves what our path will be. LOVE; TRUST; RESPECT; HONOUR; TRUTH; BEAUTY; FREEDOM. This is the legacy that such a relationship instils in us. I believe that there are many roads to a specific destination, with different lessons and adventures in each.
I Love my parents, and my brother. I love my family. My friends, I love you as well. Everyone whom I have ever called a friend can rest assuredly that I do not throw this term around carelessly. If I considered you a friend, I gave you the time of day, and thus there can be no question that I loved you dearly. I regret that I have never been in love, it is something that I have always been curious about. Even though I get discouraged sometimes, I’ve never really doubted the existence thereof. I believe that the soul-mates hypothesis is overly-simplistic. There is no ONE. There are many Potentials and it is up to us to explore that potential and make something out of it.
The secret of life is to bet everything you have and are on what you believe to be true beyond a showdown of doubt. That is your validation, that is you universal truth, your purpose, your reason for being. I believe that Heaven has everything really really great and that Hell has everything really really crap.
I love this planet, I love all of Creation, I love that everything is interconnected and that everything has a purpose. I love cats and animals in general. I love the internet! I love music and books and learning things.
I believe that I will see everyone I love in Heaven and that I will know them immediately, and be able to spend eternity with them.

In the event that I don't die tomorrow, this will all seem a little silly, but I would hate for it to be too late to say these things. Thus, let the record show that there once lived a Ree and she knew what Love was. Or at least, thought she did. I can here Jim Morrison now: 'This is the end ...'
I still maintain that I want to be reincarnated as The colour Violet.

Atlas shrugged

2006-06-03T00:54:00.000-07:00

She carried the world on her shoulders, every muscle tensing up under the pressure. She had no other responsibility but to keep the enormous globe from falling. Crumbling beneath its weight, she stood in the garden, barely managing to stand upright. Heavy. Gigantic. World crushing me! Sense of responsibility – let no harm come to that which is in your charge! Cannot drop it, must not drop it. Hold on, this is your validation! Your reason for being! You are so used to carrying your burden anyway, it has become part of your frame. Your posture has gone all screwy. She can remember that it used to be perfect, like a Ballerina. Now, her shoulders and neck and arms are so used to bracing itself and her spine has grown to support her head as it supports the world. Mine and mine alone…

“You know you can’t keep this up forever, right?” came the Voice.
She looks around, not able to discern where it came from. Somewhere… up in the trees perhaps.. She can’t see that far up, the globe on her shoulders is blocking her view.
“Why don’t you let it go?” the Voice says again.
“I can’t let it go!” she replies into the nothing, “I am responsible for it”.
She walks around a bit, partly to stretch her sore muscles, partly to find the owner of the mysterious voice. As she walks, she balances the world, taking it this way and that. She tries to shift the weight a bit to here and then to there. Just a little bit of relief would be nice.
“Just a little bit of relief would be nice, wouldn’t it?” the Voice says again.
It startles her. Can the Voice read her mind?
“Where are you?” she says and then “Who are you?”
Silence.
Then, “I am everywhere and all things. You can see me anywhere you look, if you try hard enough”.
She sighs. “If that is so, I shall never see you. I don’t have a moment to try and see anyone, I have this globe to carry and it is making me tired”.
It was as if she could feel the Voice smiling kindly. She did not fear it.
“Why don’t you let someone else hold it for you?” came the Voice again.
She thought about it for a moment. “No, I do not trust anyone else not to drop it. What if they don’t care enough to protect it? No, it must be my burden alone!”
“Why do you care so much?” the Voice asked.
She didn’t answer.
“You could try to put it down somewhere” the Voice volunteered after a while.
She shook her head, causing the globe to bounce a bit. She recovers from the strain and it goes still again. “I have to keep it in the air, its how this works’. She looked very sad as she said this.
“Perhaps you could put it up in a tree?”
She looks around at all the trees. “That might work - it will have to be a very strong tree, with lots of thick branches…”
She goes in search of a tree. After hours, she finds the perfect one. It is huge, the biggest one she has ever seen. Its branches are thick and look strong. It was the kind of tree that gave off lots of shade. “Here” she says, “But how will I get it up there?”
“You could throw it” the Voice said.
“I don’t think so, what if I miss?” She was getting discouraged.
“Here” says the Voice. As she watches, a ladder appears. It was tall and very sturdy looking. She smiles and starts climbing using only one hand, as the other one balances the globe on her shoulders. About halfway up, she becomes afraid of dropping it and freezes. “What if I fall and drop it?”
“You won’t, just keep going’, prompted the Voice. It keeps encouraging her as she climbs higher and higher. She finally reaches the top and selects the perfect spot to place her charge. She carefully puts it down and almost loses her balance as she stands up straight again. She is not used to the absence of pressure. She stretches out a bit and takes a deep breath. “Climb down now” says the Voice happily.
“No, I don’t want to climb. I want to fly” she says with tears in her eyes.
“Why don’t you jump?” the Voice says as a net appears below her, “I’ll catch you”.
She looks down. It is very far to fall.
“Do you want to say goodbye first?”
“No” she smiles, “I know the world will be safe now. And I am free. Free to pursue other things”. Slowly, she falls forward. Falling and falling, down and down and down, the wind rushing up against her. She falls straight into the net and bounces around for a little while. As she lays there, catching her breath, the Voice speaks again, “What are you going to do now?”
She gets up and stretches out again, enjoying the virtual weightlessness completely. “I guess I’ll do whatever I want…” Giggle giggle.
“And what is that?”
“I don’t know” she shrugs, “I guess I’ll find that out as I go along”. She starts running. On and on and on she runs - embracing the future, paying homage to the past and for the present? Who knows… Perhaps she will return one day, but for now, she is free and can be whoever she wants to be.

Like a virgin.....oo!

2006-05-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

So, my week has been crazy. I met a guy this weekend who really sparked my imagination. I know what you're thinking... here we go again. I doubt that anything will come of it, though. I'm not exactly your average fairytale princess, am I? Oh, I'm not dissing myself, I'm just saying that things like the yukky-love crap never really works out for me. And I'm so sick of this subject. Spent last week quite miserably searching for something to distract me from the realisation that I don't feel anymore. That I don't engage anymore with this world. Blah! A couple of days later, I spent an hour crying my heart out in my Therapist's office about not being able to cry any more. What a nut-job!
Anyway, so I'm studying for the exams. Got a distinction for my visual communication study of feminism. Yeah! And I'm learning a lot about film history. Can't wait to see Citizen Kane! When I was much younger, this is embarrasing, I has the biggest Jones for Orson Welles. I used to dream about becomming Mrs. Welles....OK, moving on.

My flatmate and her new boyfriend are making me ill with their own special brand of yukky-love crap. I hope this one stays, he's kinda growing on me, eventhough I was suspicious of him in the beginning. When am I going to have a life? When will I stop living through the experiences of others!
I'm just being melodramatic, I really like my life and the semi-independent shell I've constructed around it. My heart is a virgin. It remains intact, even after many close-calls.
One day I hope to have graduated to a frame of reference that does not include wondering why I'm about to be 25 and still single. Lets hope its tomorrow.

Finally decided what to do after I finally finish studying... Drumroll please!
I'm going to go live in the U.K. Publishing is big there and I've always wanted to go. Besides, If I leave before January 2008, I will be gone for 2 years (more than enough time) and be back in time for January 2010. I have to be back in S.A. for 2010, its going to be super terrific!
Is that a great idea, or is that a great idea?

Where did all the birdies go?

2006-05-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know the story about the Strilitzias?

As I remember it (and this should by no means be taken as reliable),
the Strilitzias were once birds.
The noisy, sqauwking kind. Now, I think what happened was that they pissed off this Magician and he turned them into flowers as punishment. Does anyone know how it goes?

Nice girl seeking nice boy. Really.

2006-05-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

Things are going very slow at the moment. All I really have to do is to study for the exam in June, which is only in June, which is still almost half a month off. It has been brought to my attention that I am suspicious of every new person I meet. Especially men. Ok, so maybe I have a few trust issues, but after High school I was really disillusioned! My best friend was the most popular girl in school and I forever in her shadow. The Sidekick. Traumatic as that was for me, nothing could ever compare to the disappointment that I had with men. Those who weren’t trying to get to my best friend through me, dated me for a while and cheated on me with good friends of mine. That excludes the boys that told me whatever I wanted to hear just to get into my pants. Obviously, I’m better off without them, but do not for a second think that I have emerged unscathed from this experience. I mistrust people’s (especially men’s) intentions.

Ok, so I admit that I was never an innocent little angel and I do concede that maybe it was easier to get in my pants than say, 40% of other girls my age. (I made that figure up so don’t take me literally!) And I was also very naïve. Guess I still believed in the whole happily ever after, soul-mates hogwash. Fell way too quickly. I did have a lot of good times too, though! I was popular by association! Since High school, I have changed a lot. I like to think that I have grown into a person of some substance. I’ve had to learn that there are very few really nice people on this Earth. That’s why you should appreciate the ones that are such rare and amazing people. People just cannot be trusted too quickly. I never wanted to live in a world where you cannot trust anyone, so it makes me very sad. Do you know how many guys look my way, trying to catch my eye and I just look away? I just evade and avoid. No wonder I’m single! I’m not willing to give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt. I’m convinced that most guys are scumbags, and so are most of my friends. I’m afraid to be used, abused, lied to, misused, date raped, the list goes on!

Is there not something wrong here? Guys, please! Stop being such bastards! I realise that you are all confused as to your new position in society what with changing media portrayal of modern male sociologically determined conventions and everything, but give me a break! Just be decent! Don’t lie, cheat, use, abuse or go unwashed from one poor woman to the next. Don’t you know that women are mystical? Don’t you know that you are making yourself very hard to trust? Are there ANY decent guys left? That aren’t gay or already married? (Married guys who try to pick you up are gross). I can count the amount of really decent guys I know on one hand. Maybe there should be a website on which you can report a low-life scumbag, so that other women can be warned. We should have the same for men too, because there are plenty of evil women out there.

It was Mothers Day on Sunday. I would love to be a mother one day. A woman bears a child with all her might. That’s magical. As I said, I would love to have a child one day. Maybe two. My daughter will be just as insane as I am, as my Mother before me and my Grandmother before her. We come from a long line of consistently insane and domestically challenged women. It would be an honour to pass on these delightful genes. My daughter, who I will name Maya - after the ancient civilisation and the bee, will be raised with the knowledge that all men and women are created equal. I believe that gender roles are merely a consequence of social conditioning. I refer here to the writings of Margaret Mead. Young Maya will be overloaded with knowledge and positive moral values. I’m much more spiritual than religious, so I will teach and encourage her to be open-minded. I want my baby t take on the world. She will be my little vanity project. I wouldn’t mind having a son, either. I’ll raise him to be the perfect man. They say that there is a gene for open-mindedness. If this is true, don’t you think that it is our duty as progressive people to pass on our good genes to future generations? To not only ensure the survival, but also the progression of the human species, thus aiding evolution in taking a giant leap forward. Or something like that. You can tell that I’ve been thinking about this, can’t you? I would love to bring a life into this world. I would adopt too, since it is a wonderful thing to do for yourself and for someone else. If you have the right intentions, that is..

Of course, I won’t be ready to become a mother for at least another 7 years. I’m still a child myself and I need to be a grownup before I can subject someone else to me. Plus, even though I am planning on being 100% capable of raising a child by myself, it would be best if I had a consistent father-figure/sperm-donor/monkey for the kid. It would also help if said father-figure were my significant other. I’m rather traditional where things like that are concerned. I thought I was pregnant the other day, but it was only me being irrational again. There was really NO WAY I could’ve gotten a bun in the oven, really! I have a habit of suddenly believing something, convincing myself completely and running away with the idea. Can you see why I can’t procreate yet?

My mother is a wonderful woman. She’s kind, gentle, funny, naughty, fun, adventurous, caring, smart and capable. These are things that I want to be so badly for my children. A truly delightful person, who is wonderful to have a conversation with. Very evasive though, like me. My mom is also an unrelenting optimist. I must have gotten it from her. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the silver-lining, but my mom knows just where to look. I sometimes worry about her, stuck with my Dad and Brother, who are silly old Pessimists. That’s why I make an effort when I’m down there to do girly things with her, that I know they are not thinking about. At least they got her flowers this year.

Viva La France!

2006-05-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

So I've really done it this time. I have a very good friend who has a really hot younger brother. Now, when I say younger, I mean maybe 20 or 21. I'm on the verge of being 25 myself. yikes. So, hot young thing whom I shall refer to as JR is a (very) tall, dark and handsome young french boy. Yum. He's been flirting with me mercilessly for months now and in my somewhat fragile mental state, I felt it best to ignore said attention. Besides, I'm no cradle-snatcher. Anyhoo, he really was just asking for it. Now, as I believe I've said, I abstained. One day, I run into young JR in town and he invites himself over to my flat for tea. We have tea. He flirts with me. I enjoy the attention but laugh everything off. Then (and I'm really not going to explain how this came to be, use your imagination) we end up wresteling. (Don't look at me like that.) He's so much stronger than me. and so much taller. I'm 1.73. I'm sure he must be at least 1.9. Sigh. Anyway, so I can see what he wants. It is written all over his face. I heard somewhere (I forget where) that younger guys are very eager to please... Compromising position. Strong hands and arms. Oh, that mouth. Such a smart, clever, charming boy. Geez, those eyes, staring at me so expectantly.. No! I must not. Don't touch... NoNoNo! I really need some affection though. No, don't go there!!!
I considered every angle and the only possible conclusion was to stop before it got out of hand. He smells so good. Like soap and sandlewood. What is that cologne that I detect, rising up from his adorable self. NONONO! Ah, screw it. Yup, you guessed it. after carefully considering it, I decided that I really have nothing to loose and it was now or never. I pounced. He kisses like a deamon. I'm so sorry I waited. He's so strong.. And then Jansie, my flatmate walks in on us. I walk him out and grab him in the lift again. So tall!
I'm most likely going to do it again, but it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, and I certainly don't want a toy boy. Even if he does speak french at me the whole time. Maybe I need to think about this. Maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't waste any energy worrying about it. Perhaps nothing will come of it...

Brave New World.

2006-04-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

A very good friend of mine came to visit all the way from Japan, and I have to say, it has been amazing spending time with him. Its like he never really left and is essentially still the same singular person that he alway was. I just enjoyed basking in his glow of fabulousness. Its funny how I never know what to say to people who leave or whom I haven't seen for a long time. Like when Wes and Nic left, I didn't know what to say at that moment. What do you say to people when you have to say goodbey? This is the last memory they will have of you, you'd better make it good! And usually, I got Nothing. Goodbeys are so tragic. It's like my heart just stops beating for a while, until it warms up again after I have a stiff drink. I remember when my friend Amy went back to Australia. We cried so much, I couldn't breathe. I suppose its only really important to appreciate the people in our lives completely, so that when they leave, you have all these amazing memories to treasure. I'll miss Hein so much when he leaves again. And now Mary Moo is leaving for Japan too. It's really great, because it is such an exciting adventure. I am so glad that she landed this opportunity, the future looks brilliant from here on. One day will be my turn, and people will flock to the Airport to see me off and cry and tell me how much they'll miss me and how much they love me. And I will be on my way to fulfill my destiny and chasing adventure. Lu, ek gaan jou baie mis, maar ek is so bly vir jou, my skat. It's all happening! Oh Brave New World that has such people in it...

I had a breakthrough, nevermind the contributing factors of how, why and when. My older, future Self came to me in a vision. Future Ree stuck out her hand for me to help me up where I was kneeling. The expression on her face was so calm and kind. So infinitely wise and confident. And she seemed so strong and capable. She told me to come with her, that she will show me the way. That I must just concentrate on her voice. For the first time, I am not afraid anymore. Of anything. I know that I can handle anything. Almost anything, at least. There is no need to be afraid. I recognise and trust that now, because I have found the strength in myself. Burried deep within. The time has come to seize everything that is rightfully mine, my sanity being the most pressing.

Today mental health, Tomorrow, THE WORLD!

A night under the stars.

2006-04-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor because I have a bad case of the flu. It was all under control until I went to donate blood, which I feel is everyone’s duty. Unfortunately, being without my somewhat vital red blood cells made me very sick. Sorry if whoever gets my blood gets sick. My bad! So anyway, my Doctor made me swear that I will never donate blood again, since my body needs every drop of it to keep me alive. What followed was another lecture for being a vegetarian. Why don't people get it? At least she gave me some iron supplements and now I am on the road to recovery. I still feel fat and bloated and slimy. Yuk! It really sucks being sick, especially since I was visiting my parents for the holiday at the time. They live in Ballito, which is on the East Coast in Natal. It’s really beautiful there.

One of my favourite places is my parents’ balcony, which has a spectacular view of the Indian Ocean. Sometimes, when I stand on that balcony staring/gazing, it feels like I’m on an island. We live on such a beautiful planet; I wish people would appreciate it more. At night, the coast is lit up and it is then that my ‘Night Island’ really gets to me. It is a compelling sense of peace and infinite wisdom that comes over me and makes me unable to look away or to concentrate on anything else. Standing there night after night, arrested by the sublime splendour of Creation, I feel so in touch with the ebb and flow of the Universe. It’s like I can say to the Universe: ‘Here I am. I can see you. Can you see me?’ At times like these, I can hardly remember ever feeling insignificant in my life. On the last nights of my stay there, the Moon was full. There is nothing as disarming as the silver Full Moon reflected on the water, the light dancing. There is nothing like being bathed in the Moonlight, hearing the voice of some not so distant source of power and magic, being caressed and soothed by it. A truly healing experience. I would love to share such a moment with my beloved. Any takers? Never mind…

Another favourite place of mine is the beach. Now, I have severe Beach bias. I hate sharing the beach with hundreds of people, I loathe getting sunburnt (I refuse to get skin cancer) and detest being hot. When I go to the beach, it’s usually after 3, so that the sun is on its way to setting, thus allowing the sand to cool down. Also, not a lot of people go there that late. If I do go earlier, I usually climb to my ‘Secret Spot’. Only accessible by climbing out some impressive coastal cliffs and therefore, rather exclusive. It’s like having your own private beach. I like my privacy, especially if I’m gonna strut about in my only bikini (unreasonably tiny). I hate being so close to naked and feel really uncomfortable if others are there to stare. So, back to the point: What I really like to do is to lie on the sand, eyes closed and hands and feet buried in the sand. Within, I can feel my own heartbeat against the sand. Sometimes I am convinced that I can feel the Earth’s heartbeat in sync with mine. It’s almost as though I am plugged into the Earth. I can feel it move, I can feel it breathe. Almost allowing me to become one with the Earth. This experience always has such a calming, humbling effect on me. I find such peace there. Peace that eludes me, living in the city. Clarity I am completely without usually. Perhaps I should move there.. No, the family would drive me crazy. Ah the Ocean… We have a special relationship, one of mutual obsession. It’s a cross between a love affair and a constant assassination attempt. Perhaps I will go into greater detail on another occasion. Maybe I will include it in my memoirs.

a lament for aquafresh, thanks for everything!

2006-04-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

I’ve recently undergone a change. While it might sound arbitrary to someone else, this is a big moment every time it happens. I changed my toothpaste. I was using Aquafresh, but I finished it. Toothpaste usually lasts me a while, because I squeeze it out from the bottom, NOT the middle. Today I squeezed out the last of the last and promptly replaced it with Sensodyne. It was on a rare promotion and I decided to try something new. I like to experiment. Now, as I underwent this change, I realised that my life has been somewhat like this Aquafresh. Squeezed from the bottom, patiently edging forward and drained of my contents until there is nothing left. That day was changing day. A day for the record books. The day I changed to Sensodyne was also the day I earned a new beginning. And I’m going to use it. Couldn’t wait till I got to brush my teeth again, with my new toothpaste. But when I did, it tasted really terrible and it is taking me a really long time to get used to this taste. Alas, you can’t have everything. I have decided that this is not necessarily a bad thing. Change is always good, no matter how hard it is to get used to. My therapist says that she can see how I’m improving and so does my boss. I have to say that I feel much stronger and happier and at peace, now that I’ve made up my mind to eliminate certain things in my life that cause me unhappiness. I’m going to focus on the progression of MY self, on becoming who I really desperately want to be. In a sense, I am that person already, because the values that I deem important are already present in my heart. I’m not willing to compromise with the world any longer. My way or the highway! No longer will I fret because it is so hard to conform and preserve your self-respect. Hail Queen Ree, the Partie Weirdo! If people do not understand or accept me for who I am, that’s their problem. The fact that all these amazing people are in my life who love me, is testament enough that I can’t be all the things I (and society) say that I am. I say to me, here and now: Give yourself a break Ree, you are worth much more than you give yourself credit for.

I only ever kill two things: Mosqitos and Cocroaches. I know I know, Thou shalt not kill and all of that. Believe me, I am guilt ridden everytime I have to do it, but I have very little choice. I live in a flat that is very small and can get over run by the building’s many cockroaches very easily, if not controlled. I do not want to share the little space that I have with Ralph and Rodney Roach. Mossies I have to kill, because when they see me they decide OOH! BUFFET! And all attack me at once, probably trying to determine who can drain me first! It’s clearly a survival thing, so I choose me! I have killed a spider, but I still feel guilty about that after a year. It was so beautiful, but it and its children were moving into my house. I’m fine with them I they continue to live and thrive outside, but my house has to be spider free. Especially dangerous spider free. I was once bitten by a violin spider and slept for two days after being injected with antihistamine. I wasn’t going to kill it, normally I would just scoop it up and throw it outside. Unfortunately, the spider was trying to protect its children and was ready to attack me. No, the pretty spider had to go. It was really colourful, and I was sure that that meant that it was highly dangerous. Sorry spider. It’s really bad karma to kill anything. I’ll get over it though, because I figure that everyone has a right to protect themselves. To everything I have ever killed, I’m sorry. I’m doing the best I can, since I’m at the head of the food chain here. I am trying to break this murderous cycle and I haven’t eaten any meat for a very long time. I am at peace with the Earth and all it’s creatures, but sometimes I slip up and let my selfish concerns of self-preservation get in the way of my unity with the Earth. Besides, show me one spider that has never killed in the name of survival…

Down with Mercury!

2006-04-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't had much time to Internet lately and I was having serious withdrawl issues. It's been a quiet sort of week. Went to my one class, lectured my one tutorial class that show up, spent some time with friends, said goodbey to a good one, looking for a job, etc. I also attended an informal Philisophy seminar called Footnotes @ Tings. This, ofcourse, refers to Tings & Times in Hatfield Pretoria. Also, Footnotes stem from Footnotes to Plato, in which the theory is that all Philosophy since Plato has been basically, footnotes to Plato. I like that. So, we were discussing Heidegger (correct spelling?) and the beingness of being. I am here now, at this moment. and that much I know for a fact. I am not a mere figment of my own imagination.
I really enjoyed it, its right up my alley. These very same issues have been mine and pursuing the Question has been an obsession of mine for a long time. I guess I got so distracted by the everyday shit that I lost track of what I was doing before I was interrupted. Girl - Interrupted. Well, Now I'm trying to spend more time on those things that I love, but never have time or energy for anymore. I can't keep letting life get in the way of my happiness. Happiness is a conscious pursuit. The question?

Slightly off subject now, I really need to ask a question and I invite (no, implore) everyone to please respond to this if you can:

The moon influences the ocean in that it creates a rhythm that make waves. We are like 90% water, or something like that. Does that not prove that the moon affects us on a molecular level? And looking at it like that, could planetary allignments not influence us?
You see, I am still blaming Mercury for my very trying couple of weeks, (3weeksfromHell) as that culprit Mercury had been in Retrograde. That means that it was in such a position that it had an effect on people. I've heard all the arguements, ok! I realise that if you believe something, it will manifest itself in your reality. But so many people share my experience in that the last few weeks have been really chaotic. Mercury is supposed to screw up communication and technology and just plain normal functioning of everything. Things just got harder to accomplish and stress and frustration were all over the place. I don't even know if this is a terribly coherent arguement, but in light of what I have said about planetary allignments influencing us, HOW on this Earth can people still deny that Mercury had anything to do with it?
Watch out! Next one is in November! Prepare yourself and organise a holiday for just after. You'll need it. Do it well in advance though, you don't want Mercury to screw up your travel arrangements!

Think I'm a space cadet? You won't be the first. I'm just trying to help you see the facts. You're welcome to ignore it. Good luck!

Something for everyone.

2006-03-22T08:38:00.000-08:00

"If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values, we must recognize the whole gamut of potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric, one in which diverse human gifts will all find a fitting place." - Margaret Mead "Sex and Temperament"

Kill Miguel!

2006-03-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

I've started seeing a therapist because I've got emotional problems. I kind of had a small breakdown that had been on its way for years now, but I feel like I finally have the opportunity to do something to change my life now. Because I just don't want the rest of my life to go on like this. My therapist says that I am my own worst enemy because I am so hard on myself. She's urging me to break out of the continuous cycle of beating myself up over EVERYTHING. (on a completely unrelated subject, I must remember to in ten years time do two things: Jump out of an airoplane with my Dad with Parachutes and meet my friend Peter on St. Patrick's Day in Prague in 2016. And now back to our regular programming.)

I've decided to recommend an idea to the writers of a soap opera. I don't really call myself a soap opera enthusiast, but I do admit to watching them. I'm a drama queen and I have studied a little but about soap operas doing visual communication. My interest is purely academic, I swear! The one I'm interested in writing to is Passions, I think on Fox or something. I'm in South Africa, so I'm a bit behind on the series, by maybe three years.

At the moment there is the beginning of a love triangle between Charity, Miguel and Kaye. This love triangle is like one of those typical soap opera ones that lasts years and years and never stops unless one of the two opposing members leaves town or dies. General Soapie story line. I've however, considered the case of Passions and have decided that the best thing they can do for that love triangle is to Kill off Miguel! That would make the rivalry between cousins Charity and Kaye obsolete. They would be brought together in mourning for him, they would each eventually move on with their lives, become completely different people but always having that bond, each find love somewhere else and become stronger. Now of course that would give the writers to bring Miguel back in a couple of years in the classic: I'm not really dead, this is what actually happened, but now I'm back.
They don't have to do this, however. They could simply kill Miguel and be the first (I assume) to ever kill off the object to the love triangle. Wouldn’t that make for compelling T.V.? Also, it would be great if Passions would do it, because Passions is a satire on all soaps. It constantly pokes fun at soaps in general by being such a soap as well. I think it would suit them and would do great things for them. It would be as big as the “Marlena is possessed by the devil” story line. As a fan of their craft, I really think that this would be a wise decision.

Another thing that I'd like to mention, is that I have discovered music that I have always been aware of, but never really devoted time to. In the spirit of taking time to devote myself to something that I've always wanted to but never had time for, I have acquired appreciation for the following: The Doors; Dire Straights; Rodriguez; Led Zeppelin, Leonard Cohan; Johny Cash and the like. I suppose it is because I am an 80's baby that I love this music so much. Its so mellow and chilled, yet groovey and moody. And epic. Like Jimmi Hendrix is a god who draws you into his world and make you listen to what he has to say.

This is my flatmate Jansie. This was taken on a day when I'm sure we were overdoing the celebrations, so she hates this picture. Why do I use it then? Simple, I'm passive agressive and this is payback. I'm so kidding. I think its a cool photo. When asked who she would most likely want to meet, Jansie said Margaret Mead. I really should get me an autobiography of Margaret Mead. If you are looking for a female role-model, she is one of those women that you will want to consider. She is, I think, the first female anthropologist and was apparently quite the wildcat. Yeah for strong women! (Totally unrelated note:) now that Stuart Townsend is a free man again, I'm sure that I will be forgiven for just saying: Stu, welcome to the land of possibility you hot boy! We LOVE you!

Fond farewell.

2006-03-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a shout out to my buddy Wes, who is leaving soon to pursue his dreams.
I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm so proud of you for doing what you mean to do. Embrace the adventure, you look good doing it.

The Universe is watching you, because you are one of it's brightest stars. Remember that you've always got a home to come back to.

Mwah!

Wakey wakey!

2006-03-11T02:02:00.000-08:00

I've always known this, but I guess that for the first time I truly grasp now what I never have entirely before: Life Happens. you can't stop things from happenening or turning out the way that they do, it all just happens. All you can really do is to say: That's life, and get on with yours. I should have known. But I didn't. Maybe I should sue Walt Disney for making false promises. It's all his fault! His and Mercury's. I was promised a Prince and that fairy tales can come true. I wonder how I should argue it.. Nah, I'll get over it!

there aren't enough sheep to count...

2006-03-09T08:55:00.001-08:00

So, no sleeping for me again. Well, I had about two hours, so I didn't feel entirely like crap this morning. Let me tell you about my week. Tuesday, ofcourse I didn't have any sleep, I went to class and this dude, a guest lecturer, does a demonstrasion in which he commences to braai (to fry/barbeque) meat in class to illustrate some demonic concept of inspirational leadership. Whatever that has to do with meat! I don't get it, I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat for years and years and the very smell thereof makes me so nauseous that I was about to throw up all over the little girls in the row in front of me. Instead, and I'm sure they were very grateful, I slammed my folder shut and promptly left class. I have never done anything like that before because I consider it unforgivable rude, but I had to. It was an emergency. Ignorant Pratt! I realise that in South Africa, not eating meat is an outrageous sin, but give me a freaking break! That smell was so terrible. Anyway, so the next day, I show up for a test that I expected to write, where upon I was informed that the test had been the day before. Mercury you Feind! I am such a freaking bone-head! Why can't I just get the simplest thing right? I live according to a strict schedule, but the only thing I seem to be able to remember is when Passions and Six Feet Under is on. I was so convinced that I had the correct date. Dandelion said that the same thing used to happen to her all the time, which really made me feel better. She's so much smarter than me, I feel like less of a bone-head. So then, I run into my friend Steve, whom I expect to comfort me after the missed test business, but NO! He's having a bad week. Now, I realise that he was probably not in the best of moods, but you know what Steve? I've also had a bad week, but you don't see me taking it out on EVERYONE I HAPPEN TO MAKE EYE-CONTACT WITH! He's apparantly pissed at me for something I had said on Tuesday, that not only had nothing to do with him, it was such an utter nothing that was said in a moment of irritation. I didn't even mean it! And it really is such a little nothing, but he is SERIOUSLY mad at me. Of all the childish things, I am so dissappointed in him. Then again, 23 year old boys are like 19 year old girls. Immature yet arrogant and anal. Oh, well. So, last night I couldn't sleep again, so I phoned Lu and told her that I couldn't sleep for the following reasons: I was thinking about my past, present and future; who I had become; who I used to be; Who I wanted to be; strengths and weaknesses; my lack of a love life, the fact that I couln't sleep yet again, etc. She is always awake when I need her, another insomiac. She said that I use my headspace very productively. I said that it's more obsessiveness than productivity. She said that obsession can inspire and that obsession is over-focussed inspiration. I like that. It puts a positive spin on it. I'm all convinced of the power of positive thinking. I know I'm having such a crappy week, but there is no denying the fact that a positive outlook on life attracts positive things to you. Hopefully we are going to the Drumming Circle this weekend, it will make everything alright again.

This is a picture of Lu which she will most likely kill me for. I think she looks great, considering what we got up to that night.

And there's Dandelion, who would look gorgeous draped in a garbage bag.
Just to be fair (and I'm all about fairness) here is a picture of me, looking a bit worse for wear on a similar night, at the Drumming Circle a couple of months before, with Dandelion. I love it so much! I remember once when we went, it started raining fiercely and there was an electrical storm. Nature was so alive then! The drumming along with the thunder and lightning was awesome and later we danced in the rain. I love being a hippie! By the way, I haven't smoked or had a drink in over a week now. YEAH for abstinance!

Memoirs of a Reesha.

2006-03-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ by Arthur Golden. Can’t wait for the movie, the book was superb. It’s the story of a young girl who is sold by her family into slavery. She grows up with certain ideals in mind and becomes a Geisha, never giving up on her dreams. It was such a lovely read, I couldn’t put it down. So inspirational, so profound at times. Not only is the story so incredibly intriguing and beautiful, the way he phrases the things that he says is so beautiful. Truly beautifully written. Here’s one of my favourites: “We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course”.

I’ve always believed that destiny will lead you to whatever you are supposed to go. As I’ve often said, there is no such thing as co-incidences. It is important, though, that you take part actively in the travelling part of this journey. Like a road trip. The things that we learn along the way happen to us on purpose, so that we acquire a new skill or gain a strength that we will need when we progress further along the road, in order to be able to go further. I don’t understand any of the things that happen to me, I don’t even think anything has ever really happened to me. Not like some of the stories you hear.. Still, I believe that I’ve grown as much as I was able to and I don’t think that it stops there. There’s got to be more. I’m not ungrateful when I say that nothing has even happened to me. I’m not saying that at all. I’d just like to see some results, is all. My biggest trial is my own impatience. Leo to the core, I want the World, NOW!

Here’s some more Memoirs of a Geisha – wisdom that definitely taught me something:
“We human beings are only a part of something very much larger. When we walk along, we may crush a beetle or simply cause a change in the air so that a Fly ends up where it might never have gone otherwise. And if we think of the same example, but with ourselves in the role of the insect, ad the larger universe in the role we’ve just played, it’s perfectly clear that we are affected each day by forces over which we have no more control that the poor beetle has over our gigantic foot as it descends upon it. What are we to do? We must use whatever methods we can to understand the movement of the Universe around us and time our actions so that we are not fighting the currents, but moving with them”.

I can’t make the phone ring. I can’t pretend to understand when I don’t have a clue. I just know that it hasn’t happened yet, because of a very important reason. Whatever that might be. Maybe, seeing as I’m still so sickeningly irrational about this, the phone isn’t ringing because I need time to deal with myself and the situation. I need a chance to gain some distance and perspective, to get over the anxiety and learn how to be in control of the situation. Maybe the call will never come. Maybe I’m supposed to forget about it. Maybe it will come. Maybe I need to focus on becoming the person that I’ve always wanted to be, regardless of who is or isn’t I my life or what does or does not happen. Maybe if I’m happy, the world will be happy with me! What am I saying? I AM happy! I’m just impatient. Boo!

KT Tunstall sings loudly and proudly: “Find yourself another place to fall. Find yourself up against another brick wall. See yourself as a fallen angel. Well I don’t see no holes in the road but you. Find another place to fall. There isn’t much more I can say. For I don’t understand the delay. You’re asking for friendly advice and remaining in permanent crises. Affection is yours if you ask, but first you must take off the mask…”

At the moment I’m reading ‘The Pigeon’ by Patrick Süskind, author of the amazing novel ‘Perfume’. Damn I loved that book. What brilliance!

Keep going no matter what.

2006-03-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

She exhaled and watched as her breath evaporated into the cold air around her. She had been walking on this road for awhile now. At least, she assumed it was a road she was walking on, the fog was so thick that she could hardly make out her feet. So thick and so cold. She wonders if it is ever going to stop. The weatherman didn’t say anything about fog. She wasn’t expecting sunshine and rainbows and ponies, but this fog was unexpected. She looks behind her, but sees nothing more than an inch in front of her. She keeps going. She lets her mind wander, trying to occupy it in an attempt to distract herself. She tries to remember what she was doing on this foggy road in the first place, but her mind is just as clouded. She can’t even recall where she was going or where she had come from. The fog is growing so dense that she can barely see her hand if she holds it up right in front of her face. Here and there she can make out a shape. The more she tries to make out, the less there seems to be. She finds nothing more than the occasional tree stump or deserted ruin, long abandoned and forgotten.

The road seems never-ending. She tries very hard not to panic. So lost, so cold, so alone. She tries to remember the last time she had felt the sun on her face. She keeps walking through the fog, stumbling once or twice. She gets up quickly, not wanting to waste any time staying in the fog for longer than necessary. ‘If only there was some sign of life out there’, she muses, ‘some proof that there was at least a little bit of sunshine at some stage. Some life. Just some indication that she was going in the right direction, wherever that was. Some sign that the sun will come out eventually and the fog will clear up’. Walking blindly through the fog terrifies her, till she keeps walking. She stumbles again and gets up quickly, for fear of what might happen if she doesn’t keep moving and stays in one spot for too long. The thought occurs to her that the fog might be moving along with her, keeping her in its centre. She decides against this line of thinking. Surely there is nothing to gain from such counter-productive thoughts.
She keeps walking, waiting, moving. Where is the sun? She is fighting to hold back the tears. Sometimes she hears music in the distance, but no matter how hard she tries, she can’t seem to get there. Tears flowing freely now. She keeps walking. Nothing else to do. She keeps walking.

Ok, so these are the thoughts that occupy my recent freak flash of insomnia. Today, eventhough I'm inconcievably much sleep-depraved, I feel alot better. Maby I just needed to vent or burst. Maybe its a hormonal thing. I wouldn't know. It's a bit manic, I admit, but I'm happy right now, and I'm clinging to my little bit of sunshine.

Anyone got sum Ginko Biloba?

2006-03-05T01:28:00.000-08:00

Oi! I was trying to login on my Varsity email, but I have forgotten my password. Damn this stoner memory! What a time to forget it! I have so much work to do and need to get on the website asap. Because of my slight problem with confronting my life, I've gotten so behind in Varsity and now have to do a project without a group to do it in. It's ok, its just 2500 words on Database and multimedia CD-ROM evaluation. How do I get myself into these situations?

I've decided to stop 'not waiting' for the phonecall. I've clearly misinterpretted what he was saying, since too much time has already gone by. I don't think he will ever call. I refuse to mope about it, I refuse to let this get in the way of achieving my goals, which includes passing this damn project thing. I'll just have to find a way to move on with my life. I don't think I'm doing too badly. I've quit smoking and drinking for not-Lent.

Peace be da journey!

What am I doing?

2006-03-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm slowly becomming invisible, like the world is forgetting about me, like I don't matter any more. I've decided to give up alcahol and cigarettes for Lent, just to get my head cleared again. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel crap when I woke up. I can't remember the last time I had a dream. Mostly I think I just pass out. I really think Partying so much is becomming a means of escapism. I think that taking an indefinate break will get my head cleared, give me time to focus on saving whats left of my studies and give me time to confront my issues. A friend pointed out today that all my issues are so silly and irrational. I know I'm paranoid and I realise that I run away with things. Maybe I should just give myself a break. This break, however, involves my social life. This is not about waiting by the phone or not waiting by the phone. This is about me and the fact that I need to love myself and focus on achieving my goals for ME. Marilu baby, thanks for listening. It was great to spend time with you today, you really have a talent for putting things into perspective. What am I going to do when you move to Japan? Kom volgende naweek na die Picasso uitstalling toe!

Some more crazy talk and coincidences

2006-02-25T01:25:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out on a kind of date with someone. It was very uninteresting actually. I met this guy while tripping on acid and he eventually got around to call me, like he said he would. Its funny how guys just Get to it eventually. Of course, his isn’t the telephone call I’m anticipating. Dating really isn’t something that I do, I mean I know people who really date a lot and people who swear that the new person they are seeing are their soul mates. After one date. Well, as this is all very new to me. I don’t really like the whole dating game, it seems so pointless to me. I don’t need to be seeing someone to be happy or to know who I am. I have this friend who would be miserable with his current girlfriend, become obsessed with girls that he can’t have and Never dumps his girlfriend. Having a partner seems to be better for him that being alone. I’m accustomed to being alone. I’ve always been alone and somehow I managed not to kill myself. In high school I got into an argument with this chick, who in the end, just burst out saying that I couldn’t possibly understand, because I don’t have a man in my life. I turned away and walked off. What a mentality to have! Society keeps on increasing the pressure of finding a mate and starting a family. And if you don’t fall in with that, it’s like there is something wrong with you. I’ve been to so many events without a date and people always get that expression on their faces. Poor girl couldn’t find a date… Bah! Screw them all! How can I be all progressive and empowered when the odds are clearly tacked against me. Am I committing the world’s biggest sin by refusing to compromise, being happy with what I can get? Should I go out patrolling bars for single young sperm -donors? I REE-FUSE!
I refuse to date if those are my choices! The guy from last night is real interesting, but I really hope that this is the end of this, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but after talking to him for a while, it became clear that I was wasting my sanity on someone who is completely unworthy of my energy. I spoke more to his friends who were there also, than to him. When we talked, it was interesting, but nothing substantial. Not that there has to be substance all of the time, I would just have liked some at that moment. And then of course, fate intervened for what reason, I don’t know: B walks in and comes over to talk to me. My heart froze right there and I said such stupid, unimportant things. What does one say to your future husband while he is completely unaware of his future? I assume he is unaware, he didn’t really say much. I accused him of not calling me yet. He said that one Saturday he’ll just pop by. POP BY? I want you to POP By and tell me that you have waited your entire LIFE for someone like me! Hold it, I’m sounding crazy again and I’ve just decided to be all rational about this. He said something about (the music was really loud) running into each other like this. I don’t believe in coincidences, and I never have. Why would the universe do this to me if nothing was gonna come of it? It is so abrupt and out of the blue, yet so connected to everything I have ever done in my life. Half of the people in my life whose opinion matters the most to me, know his entire family and think he’s a great guy. We grew up in the same area, we met through completely unrelated means, and now, we keep bumping into one another. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m jus going to put it out of my head. I can’t believe I let him walk away from that table last night without his phone number! Will I ever get another chance? Am I just being characteristically impatient? I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t focus on something else. All the music I’m listening to at the moment speaks to me. I can’t believe that I’m so irrationally in love with someone I hardly know well enough. I’m so completely unprepared for this, I wish I could rush things, but I know that that is a bad idea. I guess I will just have to learn some patience. Maybe that’s the point.. Paula Cole is singing at the moment: “I believe in love to be the centre of all things”. Maybe I should be listening to NIN instead…

Crazy talk

2006-02-25T01:23:00.000-08:00

Well, I’ve had a busy week. Trying to keep up with all the work I have to do, going to classes, studying for tests… I’ve been keeping my mind so busy so that I wouldn’t have to feel about that I was forever waiting for something to happen to me. Anything. As long as it’s good. Then, I go out for a drink with my flatmate and her brand new boyfriend (how does she do it!). And that’s when it happened. I’ve met someone. I’ll just call him B. Now, B and I have a little bit of a history. Long story short, I remember being terribly rude to him once and I remember that he gave me shit about something and I snubbed him. I also remember him always being around in some way or another, but I never really gave him the time of day. Funny how that happens… Now, after years of indifference, we met, we talked, and I’m in love. Just like that. For the record, I’m not the sort of person who goes around falling in love with the first guy who gives me some attention. In fact, I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like walking past something every day of your life and never paying it the least bit of attention. Then one day, something - I don’t know what – makes you stop and you really see the thing for the first time. He’s wonderful. I could marry this man today. I’m already building all these castles in the sky. I could tell that he feels the same way. I hope I’m right. I hope he calls me. He said he would. Ok, so he hasn’t yet, but it’s only been a couple of days. Yes, days. What if he doesn’t call…
Oh never mind that, I’m sure he will. If he does, it will be the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. If he calls, he would have proved this sad old sceptic wrong, and I’d be so happy to be wrong. I’ve always hoped, but never believed that some one great could be interested in me. That there is some magic left in this world. I used to be a hopeless romantic, but I’m afraid that I’ve learnt the hard way not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t think that I’m the sort of girl that things like this happen to. I’m hardly a fairytale princess kind of girl. That is why, even if he doesn’t call, I’m sure I will be ok. My flatmate said to me that people can disappoint you, they can hurt you, but they can never take your soul. I know that I will just get up and keep going, just like I was when he appeared. The knowledge that there is this amazing person out there, that this person (if only for a moment) thought that I was amazing too, is enough for me. It proves that things like that really exists and that the world really is the most amazing place. With the most amazing people in it. I believe that if he doesn’t call, the Universe might just have been trying to tell me that the world that I believed in when I was a little girl really exists. My heart will be broken, but in the end it will be comforted to know that anything is possible and that for every door that closes, another one opens in its place. I hope with all my heart that he calls. If I could make one wish or one request to the Universe, it would be to allow me to get to know this man. This can’t be just a coincidence. I don’t believe in things like that. I believe in love.

Love Light

2006-02-18T01:26:00.000-08:00

Love. Why are we so obsessed with the idea of finding love. You might say that I am inlove with the idea (or rather the ideal) of love. What is it to love? I love my friends and I love my family. I love every tree and every blade of grass, every flower and every butterfly. I love the wind on my face, I love standing in the rain, I love being bathed in the moonlight.

Milan Kundera in his book "The unbearable lightness of being: says that "Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved. That is, we demand something from our partners instead of delivering ourselves up to them demand-free and asking for nothing but their company".

I've always thought that if you tell someonethat you love someone, you have all the right in the world to expect it back. Why should only your heart be put on the line. Why should you be the only one taking the risks. Ofcourse, you can't make someone feel love for you... And I believe that should all have enough self-respect to see when our energies are being wasted and to put and end to it. I will not be toyed with, I don't have the time. I have things that I want to accomplish and so much more that I want to experience. I'm not interested in meaningless relationships. I refuse to waste my time while there is so much to be done. The world is so big, its so scary. Sure, no one has ever died of a broken heart, so there is a lot to say for the adventure factor of relationships. I suppose I just don't feel like disappointing myself. I don't want to be satisfied with lowering my expectations! Why should I settle for second best contentment when I can have pure Extacy? I am not one half of a whole, forever searching the Earth for my missing other half!
I am one pure whole being with my own hopes and dreams and goals and fears and expectaions.
It would be wonderful to share that with someone, I really do want to get married and have kids, but only on my terms: without sacrificing my ideals and principles. I will be just as happy being alone and being the only constant person in my life, self-reliant, strong and empowered..That said, isn't it ironic that I can't stop obsessing over finding someone to love? I have so much to give and desperately want to give it to someone. Damn you Walt Disney and William Shakespeare who made me believe in soulmates!
This is me. I am the only one who is me. Thats all I can really count on.

And now for a word from Ani Difranco.

2006-02-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

The story of what was.

The light blue flickering of the neighbor's big console t.v.
is basking on the ceiling of another insomniac spree and outside sleep's open window
between the drops of rain
history is writing a recipe bookfor every earthly pain
oh to clean up the clutter of echoes
coming in and out of focuswords spokenlike locusts
sing and singin my head
and thing isthey often seemin my memory's long dream
to be superfluous to the true story of what was
cuz real is real regardless of what you try to say or say away
real is real relentless while words distract and dismay
words that change their tune though the story remains the same
words that fill me quickly and then are slow to drain
dialogues that dither down reminiscent of the way it likes to rain
every screen a smoke screen
oh to dream just for a moment
the picture outside the frame
then in a flash the light blue horizon
spanning a sudden black is sucked into the vanishing point and quiet rushes back
to search for the downbeat in a tabla symphony
to search in the darkness
for someone who looks like me
(though i'm not really who i said i was or who i thought i'd be)
just a collection of recollections
conversations consisting of the kind of marks we make
when we're trying to get a pen to work again
a lifetime of them!
i say to me now here listening
i say to the locusts that sing and sing
to me sitting now here on the front porch swing of my eyes:
i hereby amend
whatever i've said
with this sigh

It just keeps getting better.

2006-02-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

So, I had a very interesting weekend. On friday, I wasn't going to go out, but a friend convinced me to go for one drink. It ended up being a couple of drinks and this dude that I know a little asked me out on a date and gave me an (CENSORED). I know, I'm not a teenager anymore and I haven't done (CENSORED) in six years, but I didn't say no and had such a blast!
This other dude asked me to go with him to this party along with my flatmate's new squeeze. It sounded perfectly legit, so I went. I turned out to be a death metal party and the guys, who thought that this little hippie stoner chickie was going to be so freaked out, were in for a surprise.
See, I'm a roleplayer, so not only did I happen to know half the people there, I also knew 3 guys in the band 'Architechts of aggression'. Not really my kind of music, but i was (CENSORED), so I loved it! The dudes I went with were astounded as I embraced this huge scary looking lead singer like the old friend that he is. Just goes to show that you should never underestimate someone. So in the end, I went home with these jokers, but only because I was still (CENSORED) very hard and ofcourse, my flatmate's new squeeze, so I thought it would be ok. Got some action from the other guy, but as I am commited to my decision to be celibate this year, lets just say that he had to be satisfied with making out. Good kisser though. The next morning, I get an sms from my flatmate. It turns out the her new Squeeze (who is 30) apparantly got a 17 year old pregnant! We haven't heard from him since this came out, so he's not around to deny it. Scumbag. Better off without him, that's what I say! On saturday night I had the worst (CENSORED)hangover of my life and became so irritated with EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that I snapped and told a few people off. I appologised on Sunday monrning. I was tired!
On tuesday was Valentinesday. I don't really celebrate V-day, it's just a marketing ploy. I planned to spend the day going to class, cleaning the bathroom and meeting a friend for a drink that evening. Last V-day I spent at the zoo with a friend of mine, who now lives in Costa Rica and I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Determind not to be depressed, I went to class but missed it. Some friends of mine were having a picnic and i joined them. Got drunk before 11h00. went home eventually, went to meet the friend and met some new people. They convinced me to (CENSORED) with them. You know, when they said JUST SAY NO i must not have been listening. So that was how I spent Valentinesday. Oh, I also managed to see a movie that day. Pride and Prejudice. I'm a huge Jane Austin fan. I loved the movie. Mr Darcy, the most perfect man on the planet has previously been played by Colin Firth, who remains unmatched. The actor who played his part was hot though, and did very well. I was not disappointed. Anyway, back to my week. Because of tuesday, I had to write off wednesday, but made up for it by being very productive today. I really wanted to grow up. It seems that not much has changed, not if I'm still having a hard time saying NO to (CENSORED). I've convinced myself that I'm only doing these things because Varsity has not really gotten busy yet. Let's see if I manage to focus. I had so much fun though! Responsibly, because I never forgot who I was and what I was doing. I can't help feeling that everyting is going to work out. My dreams will become reality, I will be successful and somewhere on the planet, there has got to be a man who is not a complete scumbag! Until this happens, I'm happy to be me and I'm happy that Im still young enough to afford the odd mistake and wild-crazy-drug-feind stunt.

Henry van Dyke said that 'Happiness is inward and not outward. And so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are'.

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What I did today,

2006-02-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

Nothing exceptionally interesting happened today. Woke up with a gynormous hangover and a furiously grumbling tummy. It was raining. I do love the rain so much! It was really coming down heavily so I decided to skip class for today and stay in. I wanted to sleep some more, but I couldn't get back into it. My flatmate was still sleeping off her hangover that she acquired after meeting another great boyfriend. Such a great guy too. Where does she find them? Howcome I never meet guys like that? My last relationship is not something that I like to dwell on. I feel somehow inadequate. Is there some reason that it never works out? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? My flatmate agrees however, that the reason my last relationship bombed wasn't anything I did. I just know how to pick 'em, I guess. Always going for the guys who intrigue me at first but bore me afterwards. And I'm always so shy around them. It's like, my last boyfriend loves the sound of his own voice and spoke mostly of himself and his "music career". Yep, he was one of those NON-performing musicians on the verge of making it BIG. GET OFF THE FREAKING COUCH TIM!
Ah, that feels better. Actually, the real problem was that he never cared enough about me to notice that I was very quiet. I wasn't always like that. I like talking too, if I could get a word in. Or if he would have prompted me a little, encouraging me and creating a secure atmosphere.
Anyway, so I stayed in and read. I love reading. I love books, that's why I want to get into Publishing. At the moment I'm reading Philip Pullman's "The Amber Spyglass", the last installment in the His dark materials trillogy. I'm so into it! What a great read!
Maybe I should just become a complete hermit and read all day. That would make me very happy. I wouldn't have to deal with...
No, that's stupid. I can't live my life like that. I have so many beautiful dreams.
I'm ignoring the fact that Valentinesday is coming up. Yep, complete and total denial always works for me. I don't really care, its just a marketing ploy anyway and I for one will not be fooled!
Works everytime. It stopped raining and now I'm sitting in the Law Library (Because its pretty and quiet and high up) and am beholding the most amazing sunset. If you believe hard enough in your dreams, they're bound to come true. I'm totally sure!
Sigh.

Make love not war!

2006-02-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is I, Queen Ree! I have yet again decided to dazzle everyone with my amazingness! This is just a few short thoughts that I want to share, because I believe that each of us has the capacity to make the world a better place for ourselves and everyone else: People, stop being selfish. Stop taking the easy way out. Stop messing with other people's lives. Stop doing harm. Stop destroying and start building! Be progressive. Be charmed. Be positive and true. Be calm and focussed. LOVE! Forgive! Be humble and kind. Be patient. Be smart and good. Be at peace. Don't try to fight fire with fire, indifference with indifference and fear with more fear. Stop abuse and violence and injustice. Stop prejudice. Stop lying. Stop gambling your soul away. Stop aggression from erupting and destroying everything it has taken us as a species so long to achieve. We owe it to our evolution! This is the next evolutionary step and we must progress to a higher level of consciousness.
The only for us to achieve this is to stop doing things the way we have been doing things. If there is baseness, hate and injustice, why do we use the same tactics to make it better? It's not going to get better; we're just going to make things worse. What is wrong with talking things out and finding a common ground? Why can we mourn for the victims of these crimes without resorting to similar crimes? It's becoming a battle of WHO can justify their actions best, and that is so completely pointless and hollow.We must have courage in our hearts. We must accept each other and learn to share this beautiful planet of ours that is full of miracles! What can we achieve with shouting that we cannot achieve with silence? Just look at the 'Women in Black' movement, who protest atrocities in the most profound way. They gather dressed in black and stand in silence for a specific amount of time. They do this to mourn. They do this to demonstrate what the opposite of violence can achieve. Imagine all those women standing together, focussing their unique, healing, soothing, feminine energy towards to same goal of stopping abuse and violence and all sorts of terrible things. Their collective energies merging and shining for the entire world to see. The moral of the story is that there is another way to handle things. We can change the mindset of fighting fire with fire and decide collectively, as an equal and free species, to make it work. To fight the flesh and embrace the spirit. Mother Earth wants us to. Let's not disappoint her any longer!

You're in for a treat!

2006-02-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

Well, as this is my very first entry, I was going to make sure it was all profound and inspirational and stuff. I wanted it to be a platform for all the little crazies crawling around in my brain, but now that I'm sitting here, I just don't know what to say. I am convinced that I don't want to turn this into a chapter of my journal, which is filled with all sorts of interesting tidbits from my life as well as secret thoughts and plenty of fears and lots of complaining. But I'm not going to do that. Let me rather start this way:
Hello! I am Queen Ree, the party weirdo. I believe that the only thing to fear, is fear itself. But what a giant Boogieman did fear turn out to be? I don't want these feelings, I don't want to be afraid to live and to love and to talk to people and to be on my own and of the dark. I am afraid of being frightened and that Fear will dibillitate me so much that I never DO anything! I want adventure and freedom! I want to be absolutely FEARLESS!!!

Ok, so enough of that. This is called a quarter-life crises and I'm just gonna have to get over it.
Well, I have to say, what a marvellous first chapter! I'm serious, this is the kind of stuff they make movies about: a couragrous young herionne, conflicted about her own identity, staring the monsters in the face whilst declaring loudly and bravely and fearlessly THIS HAS REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING THAT I WANTED TO AVOID! I mean, if it starts this way, the tone will be the same for the rest of our little adventure. So fine, I'm all exposed now. I'm a raving lunatic and now everone will know it! Thank goodness I haven't used my real name, the embarrasment would be unbarable! No, not really, I don't really care. HERE I GO A-FREAKING-GAIN! I'm gonna go now, but I want to sign off with these parting words of Ree wisdom: (Actually, its not mine, I borrowed this one, but pop in again for some fabulous Ree-isms.)

Find out who you are and do it on purpose!

Mwah!
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