Another word on Clowns.

This dude told me this terrifying story, tell me what you think of it. He swears every word is true.

This girl that he knows was babysitting for friends of her parents. After putting the children to sleep, she became increasingly freaked out by this life-sized Clown-doll by the bed. So much so that she phoned the parents of the children after a while, hoping to get permission to move it somewhere else, since it was so big and so freaky. The parents were horrified. They told her to immediately take the children and get out of the house. Why? She asked. They replied: We don't have a life-sized Clown-doll!

She apparantly phoned the police and later on they discovered that it was a neighbourhood crazy, who liked to dress up as a clown and climb into people's houses through the window.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yucky ickey Clowns!

Ok. In other news, I'm going away for a few days to see my family in Ballito. Hopefully I will have lots of quality time with them and my cat. Unfortunately, I have to edit this one dude's masters dissertation and find time somewhere to study for my semester tests. Oi! My life sure sucks somethimes. Just kidding. I'm pretty happy in general - that is, when there are no clowns! I'll be even happier when I get a job. Hold thumbs!

Ree of Bath

Before you read this, there are some things that you need to consider:
It is a well known fact that I am completely off my rocker. It is also no secret that I party too hard, that I Roleplay, that I read too much fantasy, science-fiction and horror, watch too many moves, series and anime. I also have an over-active imagination.

So I get home from a party with some of my closest friends that lasted until 03h00 in the morning. I have to get up early, because silly me vollunteered to help out at the Octoberfest. So I decide to take a bath before crawling into bed, so that I can get ready to go within 30mins.

Completely trashed, I get in the tub. The house is quiet except for the occasional creek from the neighbours or a murmer from my sister and her boyfriend that are sleeping over.

I keep hearing noises. Creepy noises. What the Hell? I keep envisioning these crazy scenarios where I am in the tub - naked - and someone comes in and attacks me, stabs me, drowns me or eats me. No more Clive Barker for me, I decide. I tell myself that I am being rediculous and that my imagination is running away with me. I can't relax. Too tense. Too trashed. Too paranoid.

I sink down into the water, holding my breath. That always relaxes me. Head under water. Just listening to my heartbeat. My mind wanders. I envision someone coming in while I'm under the water with my eyes closed and suddenly sit up - heaving to regain composure and oxygen. Eyes wide open. Quiet.

I look down into the water and gasp! OMG! Blood! I'm in a tub full of BLOOD! I scream (which nobody heard). I almost have a heart-attack until I realise that it's only hairdye. See, I dyed my hair the day before and didn't rinse properly. Anyway, that's why the tub was red.

I get out and tiptoe to my bed, not bothering to switch on any lights, peering around corners. I feel stupid and go to sleep, giggeling like a schoolgirl. This picture is from my good friend Shakira, who is demented, as I am.

Who else hates clowns?

I had a dream...

I had a terrible nightmare. I think it’s because I’ve been eating too much junk food lately.
In my dream, Mr. Taurus marries my cousin and nobody shared this news with me. I found out at the wedding and was devastated. Everybody lied to me about it. It was stormy, with thunder and lightning and sea-tornadoes everywhere. At the reception, I saw him and he grabbed me by the elbow, saying that we are going to sort this out once and for all. I got away from him and he chased me up to a tower. When I got up there, I say a giant stained-glass window. I threw something at it and it shattered. Then wind and rain came in and there was chaos outside. I looked at the wild, stormy sea beneath me and prepared to jump. Mr. Taurus caught me and threw me to the floor. A snowflake or something like it, but more shiny and glowing rushed at me and collided with me. I started to float, in suspended animation, frozen. He caught me before I fell to the ground again. The Priest stepped out of nowhere and told me of a vision he had seen while
I was suspended in the air. He said that he could see into other dimensions and that this has happened before, and that I shouldn’t worry because I had been married in all the other realities. I didn’t take the news well and fled again to the window, bumping my hand and cutting my bare feet in the glass. I went for the window and was about to jump out, when I woke up in my bed. I was really freaked out this morning, but I’m fine now. I know it was just a dream. The funny thing is that, this morning, I have a scratch on my hand that wasn’t there yesterday and I have a blister in my foot that is hurting so much that I convinced myself that I must have stepped in something sharp. I know that I read too much and that I have an overactive imagination, so I’m not saying it’s another vision. I’m just a little freaked out by it, since yet again; Mr. Taurus has popped up in my subconscious messages to myself. What does it mean? I’m so unsettled. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in interconnectivity. I believe that everything is related.

City Spring

I Love Pretoria. There are so many trees and I really know my way around – sort of. Most of my best friends live here too and it is sort of the place to be if you want to break into the Publishing industry. I especially love October, when the Jacaranda trees bloom. This entire green city turns completely purple. There is nothing like walking down the street when it is purple above you, purple besides you and purple beneath you. It is like walking through a purple tunnel and it is said that when a Jacaranda blossom falls on your head, it is good luck.

Of course, it’s not October yet so we still have a while until the extreme purple-ness swallows us. And it means something else to students: Start studying for the exams! So here I am, almost finished with my studies and almost a working girl. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my flat, I love my country, I love this city. I’ve been given so many opportunities and squandered many of them, but I’m still here. Every morning when I walk to Varsity, I am again overwhelmed by the beauty of this place. But I also notice something else. This city makes you so hard. It turns your heart to stone and your blood into ice-water. I used to smile at everyone, saying Good Morning to every one. Now, you just can’t do that anymore. People look at you funny when you do, like they just can’t believe someone has the nerve to talk to them, or like I want something to them, or they can use this opportunity t make obscene remarks or to try and get in my pants. Being friendly mostly leads other people to take liberties. As a woman, I have to constantly mistrust everyone, like all of them are potential rapists and/or muggers, kidnappers and/or murderers.

I wouldn’t mind leaving this place. I was toying with the idea of going to the UK for a year of so, but maybe I should just try another city. Durban is out of the question. Jozi is an option, but generally I find it so pretentious. Cape Town is great if you are a Publisher… I suppose I just need a couple of new faces, a new beginning, new opportunities, and new possibilities. I don’t want to stagnate. I don’t want to live here forever. Not yet, anyway. I’m only 25. Don’t I get to change my life a couple of times still?

On another subject entirely, what the hell is up with Whaling? Why are the powers that be even allowing this horrible practise to continue? How many people actually eat Whale meat and use Whale oil? The practises of killing whales are exceedingly cruel. Harpooning is so inhumane! Have we not progressed enough as a species to realise how irresponsible it is to carry on so carelessly? The Whale is one of nature’s most beautiful creatures and is very close to disappearing altogether. We haven’t even begun to learn anything from these ancient gods of the sea, while there is ample proof that they are as intelligent as the great Apes?

Grrr Argh!

Hey hey hey!

Happy Spring day everybody!

Oh, and also, Queen Lestat informs me that it was World Blog day on Wednesday, so Happy blogging to all!

The play opened last night and was a roaring success, I can't wait for tonight, which will be even better!

I've been rehearsed at a relentless pace. While this means that I don't really have a life at the moment, it ensures that we are all so over-rehearsed that we could do it in our sleep.
My little one-liner has turned into quite a cameo and I really really love my character. I've always wanted to be a vampire. Except for the whole 'no daylight' thing and the blood thing, it must be super cool. Anne Rice (the godess) has romanticised it so much that I would really love to live forever. Although, I really like the idea of an after-life... The sunlight allergy I could do without... Maybe I'll leave the Vampiring to those truly committed to it. I would just be a source of great controversy as a vampire, informing every one constantly that humans are people too and that we shouldn't drink their blood.

I went to the most beautiful wedding the other day. Three years ago, I was the chairperson of The Inklings, the Literacry society on campus. That year, we hosted the Spring ball and that is where J & A first met. (I take full credit for that!) Soon after they got together, I had a dream of their children and ofcourse told them about it. Three years later, I'm sitting in a beautiful chapel, watching them exchange vows and crying my big green eyes out because I'm so overwhelmed by the amasingness of it all. I've never seen two people so much inlove and more perfect for one another. Deep down, underneath all the bullshit, I'm just a big old softy. If I ever get married, it will be for the same reasons. Why go through with it if you can have unwavering devotion and ever expanding Loving!

I'll probably be the last one to marry of my current group of friends, if I ever do. I'm holding out for a hero. In the meantime, I'm taking one day at a time, enjoying what is left of my youth and basking in the glow of my own amazingness. Just kidding. I am convinced however, that there is no reason to bother if there can't be lots of passion!

Whats that smell?

Someone said to me the other day that you know that spring is coming when you can smell Jasmin all over.

This morning I was walking to Varsity down my favourite street - long and relatively quiet, lined with the most beautiful trees. Arcadia street. I could feel Spring in the air,
no, I could smell it, thanks to the Jasmin. full of promise. My sister Tish said that I smell of the Ocean, Pearls and Jasmin. I love that. I love you Tishi!My life is very complicated right now, I have so many Varsity things to do, the Play and a very complicated love-life, that I'm sure I would be much better without. Its somehow much simpler if you're single. And I am now, its just a matter of staying that way. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it. As long as I can still look myself in the eyes, I guess its all fine -- right?
I don't want to be Estella. I want to be Emma, or Elizabeth Bennet. Happy Spring to all Africans (don't venture out without a scarf just yet, Ernest Hemmingway warned us about hte false spring. That's when nature lulls you into a false sense of security, just so that she could take one last stab at our bodies with her ice cold finger.) and to all others, I can just imagine how it must suck to be you right now, missing out on this glorious African weather.

Like Estella?

Eleanor Roosevelt said that ‘Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product’. That was what it said on the sugar-packet that came with my morning Café Mocha. I just love Huletts sugar-packet wisdom! My weekend was quite hectic. My story begins on Thursday – no wait! It goes back further than that!
Mr. Cancer and I had not been going out for long, when he first called me a Fence-sitter. (one who has not yet chosen between God or the Devil). I really resented that, because the only reason he said this, was because I am interested in a variety of different things, from Tao-ism to Astrology. He said that I had obviously not made my choice yet and that ‘sitting on the fence’ was just as bad as choosing the Devil.

Thus condemned to Hell by my so-called beloved, I let it go, because he says random stupid things all the time. I did however, vow that if he ever says anything like that again, he was getting a piece of my mind! On Thursday night, we went to watch the Johannesburg Philharmonic Orchestra perform. It was a magical evening! There was a Cello concerto that brought tears to my eyes! Afterwards, we went home and he and I were cuddling on the couch, chatting away, when he brought up religion again. Then he said those fateful words: ‘and then there are Fence-sitters, like you…’ I didn’t let him finish. I erupted and said something like ‘if you ever say that to me again, I will NEVER speak to you again! At this he flipped his lid and left. I was furious and we had a heated SMS debate about it. He did call later to find out if I was ok, which was sweet. We agreed to meet on Saturday after my rehearsal to talk.
Friday I went to a party and all my friends told me to break up with him. I felt like I should give him a chance still. Saturday arrived and after my rehearsal, he came over.

(Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett @ The Lier theatre on campus @ the University of Pretoria, 31st Aug – 3rd Sept. Tickets are R35 and are selling like hotcake. For presales, contact Maria Prozesky at the English department. I would also give you her number, but my phone is broken. If anyone wishes to contact me, I can still receive calls, but that’s it).

I looked at his ill-humoured, sulky expression once and said that we both knew this wasn’t’ going to work. So I broke up with him and he definitely doesn’t want to be friends. I just can’t be with someone that narrow-minded and intolerant and judgemental! I think I really hurt him.. Oh Boo-hoo. Yep, I’m single again! I felt like a real cad, though. Afterwards, I went to the Propaganda party I had promised to go to and bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He’s an Aquarius. Mmmm. Don’t think anything will come of it though.. a fling is just a fling after all. Besides, I like being single and free much more.

In the end, I guess I realised how happy I was with my life after all. I really have nothing to complain about, as long as I keep listening to both my head and my heart. They can fight it out. I will agonise no longer! I’ve been desperately searching for happiness, but it’s been right in front of me the whole time! Life is always going to happen. Appreciate yourself and you will just be happy automatically! Watch this space…

Where's the fire!?!

Since I’ve always tended a little bit towards depression, I don’t usually pay any (real) attention to conclusions arrived at while in such a state. I realised long ago that these moods come and go and it is up to me to change the way I handle these situations. After all, we all have the ability to determine how we are going to let something affect us. I realise that we react to stimuli in a specific way because we are used to doing it like we do. I have the power over my own perceptions and no one else! No amount of cultural conditioning can keep me from doing what I feel in my heart in right. Your mind can be warped if you let it and your heart is never unaffected by its situation, but I believe that in listening to both and agonising over something always produces the best resolutions.

Here's me, taking pictures of myself in bed, cause I am incredibly vain.

That said, let me now proceed to complaining about my life once more.. I’ve realised that this relationship I’m in cannot really go anywhere. Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy and anyone looking for a safe, dependable, sweet and sensitive Cancerion would love to have him. I haven’t quite decided what to do, I’m still at the aforementioned agonising stage and I don’t want to make rash decisions. He’s just not lighting my fire – so to speak. This Leo wants passion and excitement. His Cancerion rain is putting out my Leo fire and I can’t have that. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him in any other way than superficially and that wears thin. I don’t need a good candidate for a husband and father. I need someone who I look forward to seeing, someone who I can’t get enough of. He is really handsome and charming, but there is very little chemistry.

Then there’s the fact that we have each bought into different ideologies. We already have 3 unmentionable subjects between us: Politics, Religion and the French Foreign Legion. (No comment on the latter.) The point is that I have to think about myself and my happiness and I don’t think that he is contributing at all to it. I have considered that I might be acting very irrationally at the moment and do not wish to make a hasty decision, but I think that if, by the end of August things have not improved, I should break up with him. For both our sakes. Especially mine.

Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion, the romance, the excitement? I don’t think that Cancerion and Leo is a very good combination anyway. Besides, how can I be with one person while I am still dreaming of another every night? I don’t entertain any more childish notions that Mr. Taurus and I can ever be together. I think I’ve screwed that one up beyond repair. Pity. For the moment my fantasy land is trying to get me to acknowledge that the current situation is not working, regardless what my wishes are. As I am writing this, I am completely at peace and am thinking quite rationally. Perhaps I’ve made some sort of a breakthrough?

Now that I have committed myself to at least giving him until the end of August, I have also realised that I have to meet him halfway. Give him a fair chance. Therefore, from now on I will make an effort with him, if only till the end of the month. I have already had a really nice lunch with him and his family and things do seem to be improving slightly. I must not forget that, because I don’t see him all that often, it can be rather difficult to have a relationship under these conditions. So great, a nice day. Big Deal! Only time will tell whether or not this is going to work. What a hassle. I guess no one ever said it was going to be easy!

Here is a picture of the view off of my balcony. Look at my sunset!

A new beginning.

Sawabona!

Well, now that my Marilu is safely in Japan, I can go on with my life in sunny old South Africa. Someone should tell the sun, though, because it seems to have taken a vacation. Probably wise to get away too, since the flippin third world war is on our doorstep!

On a lighter note, my life is just peachy right now. I have no money, no job, no working cell phone and no car, but I do have a great new place to live and am dileriously happy. My new relationship is also going well. I'm taking it very very slowly. So right now, I'm just living my life the way I want to and enjoying every second of my new found freedom. Have also discovered that I have a lot of power over men. Don't worry, I won't be using it for evil. I'm not a man, I don't need to abuse power to feel alive!
I have no idea where that came from.
DOWN WITH PATRIARCHY!!!
Nor do I have any intention of defending that one...

Umm, ok. I guess I will be back when I have something of interest to say. And since I'm addicted to the internet, it won't be long until I grace you all with my magnificent presence once again. Fear not!

Ciao!

ROAR! said the Lion.

Today I am 25. Actually, when I say today, I mean this day on the 23rd of July. I don’t know when I’m going to get to post anything. Don’t have money for the Internet café. So what else is new? What a strange day. This weekend started off so badly. I organised a party on Friday - very badly! Everything went wrong from step one to step umm, well, the last one. Then of course, I hear that my old friend Mercury is in retrograde and we all know how that turned out the last time. Personally, I think Mercury is jealous of me somehow… Well, so when we arrived at the party, we were two hours late, the venue had been double booked, half of the people had already left and the few who remained only stayed long enough for me to chat with shortly and then left. I didn’t even have enough time to really talk to anyone. It feels like I collected presents and exchanged pleasantries and then had to move on to the next person, because everyone was demanding my attention. Then of course, Mr. Taurus is there and I almost have heart failure, because I’m so glad to see him, come especially for the party, so sweet. I know he wasn’t there just for me, but I would be lying if I said that when he’s in the room, I am not affected at all. In fact, I was too affected for my own good. I guess I’ll always think of him in terms of the future, when all things that seem impossible now, have a real chance of happening then. To the future! Anyway, it gets worse. My boyfriend, who was supposed to work and couldn’t come to the party, shows up to surprise me. Now, this handsome young Cancerion came into the picture just a few days before, when on his birthday, we went on a date and just ended up dating. He’s so wonderful and I want him to be very happy. He seems to think that I’m a goddess, so I’m just going to go with it and hope that he doesn’t wake up from that fantasy too soon. No one has ever wanted to date me. Most guys are just interested in sex or want me to read their mind to know how they are feeling. This man actually wants to spend time with me because he loves my mind and wants to just be with me. I AM SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS NEW SENSATION OF BEING NEEDED AND WANTED and let’s face it. It’s realistic because he’s willing and able to commit to me. He’s trying to slay the dragon! So, here is Mr Dragon slayer and Mr. Taurus at one party. I feel like I’ve betrayed Mr Taurus, even though I don’t owe him any allegiance more that friendship. I feel like I’m misleading Mr Dragon slayer, which I really was not. Maybe I was just so overwhelmed. The party was a train crash. I was on an emotional rollercoaster one minute and flat lining the next. I don’t know what I expected. Luckily, my friends were there, and I m so grateful to them for being in my life and not running away kicking and screaming from the crazy lady. Probably shouldn’t have gotten wasted to try and cope either. That might just have made it all worse. I had lots of fun in the end. And I was so glad it was over. And I was just freaking out way too much. Like, I thought I would be able to handle little things like this. Maybe before I turned 25 I just had to be irredeemably incapable for the last time. Thanks Mercury you cold hearted son of a bi-atch! So, today is my birthday and my boyfriend still hasn’t dumped me for being insane and indecisive. Maybe he likes his women crazy, I don’t know. I’m going to stop being a commitment phobe now. For this year, my wish is that I will be happy and successful and that I will be able to make my amazing friends and family very happy. I wish to discover new things about myself and the world and to live the inspiration. I have had wonderful examples and influences from the people I will just call my Royal advisors. As I am about to embark on a whole new chapter, I look back fondly, hoping that it was all worth it to get here and that I will never stop learning about and loving being alive. And never again will I be organising any parties, especially not for myself.
So, right now it is the day after my birthday and I must say that all things considered, it was wonderful. My new boyfriend treated me to wine, salad and bought me a present, which he was not supposed to do, since we had only been together for 4 days. He’s so incredibly sweet and I’m going to do my best not to screw it up with him. Also, I believe it is important to hold on to my individuality, because you cannot possess someone and you can definitely not allow anyone to possess you. I think I’m going to be fine. I’m an adult now and know a lot better. Tune in next time for some more developments!

Another day another dollar...

Ok, so the weeks been interesting, to say the least. I have found that at this moment in time, I am just super, thanx for asking! I'm extatic, really. I might be inlove, I might not, I'm in anticipation, I'm trying not to be, I'm being intellectually challenged in a way that I feel so incredibly intrigued by (have to write reviews for a theatrical festival, YEAH!), there's mystery in my life, there's excitement, there's new possibilities, there's uncertainties, YEAH!
I feel great, and to think, I've only got a few days before I'm 25 and I actually am happy. Yes, ME! I'm happy to be me and that is something I had to grow into. I suppose its the same as growing into a pair of shoes when you're 9.

Anyway, I'm about to be a quarter of a century old, and I feel FABULOUS! At peace, comfortable in my own body and in my headspace. I love me. Or maybe that's just the wine talking. You know, this life has so many possibilities and so many amazing people to share it with. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside................................................
I love my friends. You know who you are. Kindred Spirits. There are so few, but they are so wonderful if you can find them.

What a life.

I mean, I don't think anyone has so many issues and insecurities as I do. I just wish I could get over myself sometimes, and not wallow so much in self-pity. It's pathetic, really. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. There is so much of life that I still want to see, so many people that I still want to meet. Sometimes I feel as though my friends fail to see how scared I am and how much reassurance I need. Then, I snap back to reality and realise that I shouldn't be relying on other people's assurances.
I suppose its because I am an incredibly self-absorbed and vain drama Queen. Maby I'm being too hard on myself. Nobody asks me how I really am anymore. It's not that they don't care, I just don't think they are really interested. Maybe I just miss my Therapist, who used to listen to me go on like this for hours...
Somethimes I even get jealous of some of my friends. What a terrible thing to be envious of those you love! Am I making a mountain of a molehill? Has the Queen finally flipped her lid? Well, I think its just the stress of almost turning 25. On the 23rd of July. The countdown has officially begun and I'm getting a little nervous. I'm not about to go into another self-doubt session, I know that I'm going to be fine. It just helps to know that people love spending time with me, that I too have something to offer in the way of excitement! Am I boring? It's true that I have retreated a bit into myself in the last couple of months. Do people find it tiring to be with me? Don't they know that I just need some encouragement? Don't they want me to stay? I'm always leaving. Maybe someone should give me a reason to stay! Umm, ok, I think I've gone far enough. I like myself very much! I guess it would be nice if people showed me that they like me too, instead of .. well.. oh never mind! I have lost it after all.
At least I'm throwing the biggest birthday bash ever! I intend to go into maturity with a bang that will make the Earth resonate for months to come!

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Are you only half alive or have you always been this inarticulate?
I think that was Jewel.

I have to remember that I am a grown up now and that I am no longer allowed to pine over someone who it would only frustrate me to try and understand. I cannot read minds. If you do not tell me things, I cannot know them I am one. I am me. No one owns me. I am my own. If you want me, get in line and come and try to get me. Trust me, Im worth it. I love frequently and completely. I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe I will awaken from this dream and find myself alone and happily so, complete as I am now, and strong, and always willing to love. (Note that love does not necessarily imply sex). Those who have known the most love will appreciate it more than those who were afraid of it and never tried it. As of now, you can no longer hurt me. I am untouchable. I will allow you to try to win my heart, but never forget that I will always have the final say. Its my heart after all.

Todays song: Whats it called? Shes been everybody elses girl, maybe one day she will be her own, Tori Amos, the goddess.
I want to take this opportunity to give a shout out to my bestest buddy Marilu, who is leaving us for the beautiful East, in order to roam like a gypsy through the world, encountering places and people and experiencing life as a being that is fully conscious of all of its beauty. Born on Friday the 13th, this tall waif-like creature has left a deep impression on everyone who has ever known her and made herself absolutely unforgettable. Marymoo, you are the Fire Maya, you are the Metro-maia, the Mwayi-Ree-Lu, you are phenomenal. I love you so much.

I want to dedicate a song to you, but which one? There have been so many since Ive known you. Lets see … Moloko, it has to be Moloko. All of it. I can never listen to any of those CDs again without my thoughts instantly turning to you. Sayonara!

Belief is a full-time job...

The Most amazing thing has happened. I find myself completely at peace. Well, sort of. I’m supposed to be studying for my Sick Exam right now, but I’ll get to it. Just had to write something. I had to get it out of my head, for fear that I will explode if I don’t. The concepts of Truth and Beauty are discussed in Memnoch the Devil. This was the only one of the Vampire Chronicles that I hadn’t read yet, but am now making up for it. It goes very well with my current state of mind and supports what has been swimming around in my head ever since I read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Well, no, ever since I read Shakespeare. Ever since I heard Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for the first time. Ever since I read Paulo Coelho. Ever since I read Tom Robbins. How amazing is this world we live in? This reality, whatever it might turn out to mean, has infinite possibilities and magnificence. It has so much that it is almost too much for one soul to stand. That’s why we search for a partner - to share the sheer load of it all, all that Greatness.

In Memnoch, our hero - the Vampire Lestat, undergoes a journey into Heaven and Hell. Its sort of a Faustian situation that goes on, but I will not reveal too much, since I want people to go and read it. It takes modern and pre-modern concepts of God and the Devil and integrates it with what we understand as Darwinian Evolution. What is the point of it all? Why is it all happening? Why does God allow all of this suffering and evil things to exist? Anne Rice makes an excellent point and I really like what shes done with these ideas. I like that as I read, my faith is challenged around every turn of the page. I question what I know (or believe) and reinforce it with reason and logic and all those (not quite as fun as supernatural) things. Science VS Faith. Ive never thought that the two should be mutually exclusive.



I question my existence just like any person. What is my reason for being here? I dont believe in coincidence, I sort of believe in Destiny and Predetermination. So, whats the plan then? Can I ever know? Heres what I think: I believe that we are put on this Earth (each individual with his/her own capacity to understand and perceive) to endure whatever this world can throw at us. Some have it harder than others. I dont think its fair either, but no one ever said it was going to be fair. Each of us have different things to endure and overcome if, by the end of your life (which remains undeterminable) you have perceived enough to make up your own mind about things. Did you spend your time on Earth appreciating your time on Earth? Did you perceive all the Truth and Beauty and Revelation around you? Did you appreciate how amazing the whole of Creation is? Are you able to forgive others for the things they have done to you? Are you able to forgive God for putting you through the difficult things in your life and can you accept that He has His reasons and that in due time (at His discretion), you will know too? Can you forgive yourself for the things you have done to yourself and others? Can you draw acceptance out of all the Quintessential Beauty of Creation that is all around you if you look hard enough? Can you hear the answers and not necessarily like them, but still accept them and be at peace?

I believe that Love and everything that falls under it is the only way to do it. The nature of Love is very simple, I dont need to go into that. That is why, when you meet someone and spend time with them (if only for a short while) and they make the world a more beautiful place than it already is, is that not glorious? All I can offer as proof is my tiny bit of experience. As stated before, people come in and out of our lives and some leave more of an imprint than others. It feels wonderful to have my feelings acknowledged and it feels as if all is right with the world. It feels great to know I didnt imagine it all. It really happened! Confirmation. The potential of this life to continually surprise you is astounding. I didnt think it would ever happen to me for real! Even if it was short-lived - for the moment. Who know what the future will bring. I can draw so much strength from the fact that someone out there thinks Im amazing. They love me the way Ive always wanted to be loved and never dreamed possible. Getting confirmation that ones feelings for another is returned (even in some small way), is a little bit like what it must feel like to come to the end of your life and finding out that all you believe in and cling to - all of your Universal Truth - is real. Does that not redeem all the bad things? Is that not a sign that Good is triumphing over Evil? And what about those two? Are they mutually exclusive? What about balance? Ok, Ill stop now; this is getting out of hand! Too many questions and not nearly enough answers. I look forward to finding the answers, but Im willing to be patient for them. Time will reveal it all. All I have to do is to make sure that I can deal with the Truth when I am confronted with it.

While reading Memnoch, my beliefs were challenged quite often and I have to say, they hold up quite nicely. Im not worried. And meanwhile, Life goes on. I really should get a real job soon. Anyone need a good Editor or Publisher?

Patchess' big mention.

Here's my kitty Patches.
Isn't she sooooooooooo beautiful!?!
Her full name and title is Princess Patchess the Furry.

I love you my honey pie!!!

The Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me

On the way to the coast, the stupid bus broke down. Luckily this happened not far from the halfway stop and I could go for some real coffee while we waited for the replacement bus. The new bus had to be sent from Joburg and was 4 hours away. Yeah for real coffee! Before leaving for Ballito, I had an anxiety attack of sorts. I became convinced that I was going to die in a bus accident and never see anyone I loved ever again. Just when I started to drown in these somewhat irrational emotions, all my friends showed up and saved me from myself. Thanks guys! Thanks especially to Dandelion, who dropped everything and rushed over to my side when she heard I was upset.

Anyway, so while I was waiting for the bus (reading and drinking copious amounts of coffee), this dude came over to talk to me. He was very upset about the bus business and had obviously already had a few beers. I explained to him that it was better for them to delay us than us having an accident and that I was sure this was happening for a reason. He looked at me funny and asked how I could be so sure. I said (and realized it at that moment) that I had to believe it, otherwise my life had no meaning, that everything was connected and that there were no coincidences. He thanked me for being nice to him. Apparently no one had ever talked to him with so much respect before. I merely smiled and said that everyone deserves respect. Then he practically proposed marriage! I laughed it off, but he was quite adamant. He said that he is never going to find someone like me again and I said that he would be surprised at how many women like me there are. Again he insisted that I marry him and I said something along the lines of that men only want to possess women and that I have no desire to be possessed. I hope that didn’t sound too condescending, but he was starting to weird me out.
He did say that I had an inner-light; a warmth that was overwhelming to him. I must admit that this made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I was just happy to be alive and the thought that my life had meaning was a nice one. To think that just a few hours before, I was crying and being all irrational about this trip. I was not dead, but alive. And I was inspiring someone, making them feel better.
There is meaning to my life after all and I’ve realized that Life is what you make of it.

Ok, so much for part one of this story. Part two consists of something a little different. Everyone who knows me will be able to tell you that I drive myself crazy just out of pure enjoyment. Well, maybe not enjoyment, but generally it is the by-product of an under-stimulated mind. I’m not going to do that any more. And I’m not going to let others do that to me either. I really am not crazy. Just a little bored. I remain in control of my own mind. I am the Space-Monkey that has assumed command of this melon!
So, enter Mr. Taurus. There is nothing boring about Mr. Taurus. In fact, this handsome young male is in every way that I can see, absolutely beautiful. I really don’t know what to say about him, he’s probably going to laugh at me when he reads all about himself. What I can say is that I’ve known him for a while, though I don’t think I’ve ever really known him before. Not like this. Not that he’s a mysterious person by nature, just that there’s a lot there and it takes more than a moment to see it clearly. He is a Watcher and is Always Watching.
I’m so afraid of what he’ll see.
I don’t know what to call our little ‘romance’, it feels as if mere words are insufficient to describe it. Do I love him? Who knows what that is.. I love going to the beach with him, sharing all of that beauty with him. I love how on top of the world I feel, gazing out onto the horizon, knowing that he is right there, doing the same thing. I love when he takes my hand, I love when he kisses me. I love the way he smiles when he kisses me or when I kiss him. I’m kind of shy around him, but he is so cute about it, he makes me feel at ease with this amazing energy that he exudes. I love his smile and his hair. I love his head, it’s a good head. I love his eyes, I love his mouth, I love his laugh. I love his smell. I love how incredibly hot he is. I love his strength, which shines through in everything he does. I love his strong arms and I love when he takes me into them. I love that he understands what I’m saying, not a lot of people do. I love how he talks to people. I love that he loves my cat. I love how patient he is. I love how focused he is. I love getting wasted with him. Ok, I’m totally running away with this. The point I’m trying to make is that he is amazing. Sometimes I catch myself listening to songs and thinking of him. Then of course, I stop, because I’m being ridiculous. My inner-Sakura says NO! I’m leaving, right?

I’ve never considered geography a major factor between friends, but between lovers it is quite devastating. Suffice it to say that I live far away from him and therefore, cannot allow myself to even think along the lines of love, whatever that is.. Ever since I got here, it’s been like an emotional rollercoaster for me and I have changed my mind about this so many times. I have also re-drafted this entry several times. I don’t even know what is going on inside his head, I can only imagine that he … never mind, I’m not going to venture a guess. Every time I decide that it would be best to just leave it be, he shows up being so damn cute and irresistible. I’m so weak! When I got here with my infamous big mouth, I said something stupid like ‘I wouldn’t mind getting my heart broken, just to know what it feels like’. Yeah, I wasn’t serious! But of all of the stupid things I say, this is the one that the Universe responds to. The irony kills me! I dare not think along those lines though, because I’m leaving pretty soon and the last thing I need is to be in love with someone who lives far away. Not that I’m at all saying that this is love. I’m going to stop saying that now. I’m going to miss him so much. I wish this could go on, so that I would have time to show him who I really am. Right now, I’m just showing him the tip of the iceberg, because I don’t want to waste the little time we have with things like that. Which things?
I’m very much in-like. He’s very easy to fall for, because he is so amazing. I know he likes me too, of that much I’m pretty sure. He’s always stuck me as a decent guy who wouldn’t fake it with someone just for the sake of some fun. I’m sure he really wants to be there. Of course, the record shows me to be a very poor judge of character, since I am so very gullible. (I prefer Trusting).
Nevertheless, I would hate to be wrong about this one.
Frau Frau understands me. So does Jonathan Davis as well as the Foo Fighters.

It is complicated, as it always is. We’re never alone much, but when we are, I really enjoy him. I am having fun. I won’t say though, that whatever is going on is merely fun. For it to be that, I should not care about him like this at all. We come with a little bit of history.. I respect and revere him too much for it to mean absolutely nothing to me. I’m enjoying his company so much. What’s that song? ‘..and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you..’
The flip side is that I have my life to whip into shape and he is just starting a new life somewhere far away from me. I want both of us to be happy and whole - Not pining for something far away - that would only be a half-life. He is so strong in life and I have learnt a lot from him, though I’m sure he is unaware of it. You see, I’ve always been a Watcher too. And I’ve been watching him constantly. Maybe it’s because I’m reading Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, that the idea of being a watcher is such a powerful one to me. To watch and to learn and to understand the bigger picture: the nature of nature.
One of the most thrilling experiences is to be seen seeing; To be watched watching; To be observed observing. I feel naked, like there is nowhere I can hide. What do I represent, what do I do? What does he want from me, what does he expect? Who knows! What do I expect? Why can I not say these things to him? Maybe I’m a better writer than a speaker. Maybe I’m a weenie. Maybe I’m afraid of what he’ll say. Maybe I’m afraid of what he won’t say. Maybe I’m not afraid at all, just smart. When writing, I have time to reflect on what I am really feeling and to not drown in irrational initial reactions. I hate – no - detest fear and uncertainty.

Communication has always been hard for me face to face, because I never know what people expect from me. I don’t even know what I expect from myself. Maybe I do.. Maybe disappointing myself is the worst thing that could happen. If I disappoint myself, maybe I lose all the self-respect I have fought so hard to gain. My ivory-tower is fragile yet.. Anyway, I am drifting from the point. Or am I? Maybe I am truly nearing the point for the first time. People come in and out of your life and the only really consistent one is You yourself. We should all learn to appreciate the amazing people we meet and remember them when they are gone. Honoring their memory - so to speak..
Maybe I do love Mr. Taurus. Maybe I always have and that is why he is still allowed in my life. Maybe I am only noticing his true brilliance now. This romantic spirit of mine would love nothing more than the drama involved in being in love with someone I cannot have, but my new rational, grown-up side realizes that I am lucky to have had what I do and I can draw a lot of strength from that.
I’ve always believed that nothing is stronger than Love, whatever that is.

Adventures of Ree in the land of dust.

There goes the neighbourhood!

So, Im off to the coast to regain my sanity. I didnt get to write my last exam that was on 666. I got a sick-note. I know what you are thinking, but I assure you, I didnt have to fake any illness, Im really sick. It certainly doesnt help that the block across from me is getting demolished to make way for progress and the eventual Gautrain-station. Theres so much light now…
Demolition is no laughing matter. Not caring that people who live in the area are most likely students, hellishly studying for the June Exams, they have been a-demolishing happily from 07h00-21h00 every day for the last 3 weeks, only taking a much deserved break on Sundays. It looks like a war zone out there and sounds like you are constantly under fire! The dust is everywhere and it is no wonder that everyone is coming down with chest-area sicknesses. No one can breathe properly and I wish I had a mask to walk around with. The noise is really getting to me too. Its grating. I tremble even when Im not in the flat. I'm sick and the anti-biotics are killing me; hormonal; sleep-depraved; Exam ridden; seriously in panic because I have only 1 month left to find another place to live and a job to pay the rent; my flatmate and I are clinging to hope of release while trying not to take our frustrations out on each other; I havent seen my cat or my parents in a long time and seriously lack something or someone to be fascinated with.
Stinks, huh? Would it surprise you in anyway to find out that I dont think Ive ever been happier in my entire life?
Im finally learning to like myself and to come to terms with things that Ive never been able to before. I think that Ive reached a certain plateau of emotional maturity. I used to think that everything that is wrong was my own fault and consequently, was very hard on myself. I supposed Ive accepted that life is not always fair. Now, I know I dont have it so bad, but I'm also done comparing myself to other people. I cannot live my life like that. I can't constantly be assessing what I have and what others have. It would drive me insane and keep me from doing the things I set out to do. Who am I? Do you really want to know?
Just kidding. The point is that I know who I am and I refuse to listen to other opinions on the matter. Certain people are fond of having such opinions and imposing them on me. I'm also done blaming myself for relationships that don’t work out, when I clearly was the one NOT at fault. Its true that I have many issues, but at least I dont make them those of other people! Hey, Tim? Anyway, so now I live in what I have affectionately come to call: Chechnya-all-over-again. Jansie, Margaux and I have decided to document this blessed event, which is undeniably, the end of an era. The following are pictures of what is going on outside my flat in the middle of Hatfields’ busiest street - Burnette street. I think every old-Hatfieldite can appreciate this, since it has been a part of Hatfield reality for many years. Notice the somewhat victorious destruction of Recess and Times 4, which have been Sodom& Gomorra for as long as Ive lived here. Poor little Katja cutie-pooh is having a tough time with the noise and shakes too!
Destruction? carnage? Bwah-ha-ha! What a great time to be moving!
Your Queen will be on holiday at a really pretty and quiet beach until the 23rd, where the only sounds I will hear is that of the ocean - which may or may not be trying to kill me. Lots of fun to be had and never a dull moment. WATCH THIS SPACE!

And I declare this, My Independence Day.

I decided today that I am going to stop being so dependent on everyone else. Not because the world has taught me that you cannot count on them. I realise that all people cannot be trusted, I'm not that naive! Plenty of the people that I know can be relied upon for anything!
The point is that I've decided that I am strong and capable. I can depend on myself, because I am able to in most cases. I'm obviously not including extreme circumstances in my little scenario. Maybe I just needed to realise my own worth, my own strength. Maybe I have. Just to stop being so in need of guidance all the time! I'm almost 25 years old for Pete's Sake! Time to grow up!

I am being too hard on myself, I know. My therapist maintains that that is the root of all my problems. Whatever.. I have ree-assumed command of this mind.

It's all about control and confidence.


I'm going away for a little while. Visit the folks down in Ballito.



My studpid friend Grt made a stupid joke about something so damn stupid,
and now I'm obsessing over it.

Thanks alot for putting these ideas into my head, Grt!

Grrr!

The end?

What if I died tomorrow?
I’ve been very emotional lately and I cannot fight the feeling that the world is going to end. What if there were no tomorrow? What if today was my last day on Earth?
What would I have wanted my last day to include? I realise that I have 9 days left before my Exams are officially over for this semester and I should probably focus on those 9 days than on just one day… But this is an especially important day we’re talking about. If I die, this blog would never receive a new entry, but would exist up to my last entry most likely forever! I realise that I must sound very silly sometimes, going on and on about things that don’t really matter. In the end, I guess I decided that what others think of me isn’t as important as what I think of me. I am conflicted as to my own identity and this is manifested in the way I approach life. If I had more self-confidence, I could take over the world. Grrr…Arggh! I have recently become aware of my own strength and have surprised myself with the sheer magnitude of it, flowing through me like electricity.
Now, If I died tomorrow, I would like the following things known about me. I am Ree. I believe in Love and that God is Love. It is energy that encompasses everything. That is why Love is stronger than EVERYTHING and ANYTHING out there. I belief that everything that Love entails and requires of a person are what should be considered good values. I belief that people make mistakes and will continue to do so. The only way to progress past this point is to learn from your mistakes and get over them, becoming stronger and better in the process. I believe that you can learn something from everyone that comes across your way. I believe that in retrospect, everything becomes clearer and we are able to see why things happen the way they do. I believe in the innate goodness of everyone and am saddened by the realisation that you cannot trust everyone. There are bad people out there that want to harm you, so be vigilant and stick to your principles. I believe that Integrity is one of the most important qualities a person can have and that it must never be called into question. You must always preserve your integrity. I believe that when you love, you must do so with every fibre of your being, even when it seems unrealistic or impossible. I believe we must forgive, even if it seems unlikely. I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in building people up, not breaking them down. I believe in peace, but at the same time, that we should fight for what is right. I do not believe that violence is the only option in a fight. I believe in predetermination, but also that we construct our own realities. This is possible because of Free Will, which is the most amazing thing. I think God gave us Free Will because He/She loves us like a parent loves his/her children: so much that we are trusted to choose for ourselves what our path will be. LOVE; TRUST; RESPECT; HONOUR; TRUTH; BEAUTY; FREEDOM. This is the legacy that such a relationship instils in us. I believe that there are many roads to a specific destination, with different lessons and adventures in each.
I Love my parents, and my brother. I love my family. My friends, I love you as well. Everyone whom I have ever called a friend can rest assuredly that I do not throw this term around carelessly. If I considered you a friend, I gave you the time of day, and thus there can be no question that I loved you dearly. I regret that I have never been in love, it is something that I have always been curious about. Even though I get discouraged sometimes, I’ve never really doubted the existence thereof. I believe that the soul-mates hypothesis is overly-simplistic. There is no ONE. There are many Potentials and it is up to us to explore that potential and make something out of it.
The secret of life is to bet everything you have and are on what you believe to be true beyond a showdown of doubt. That is your validation, that is you universal truth, your purpose, your reason for being. I believe that Heaven has everything really really great and that Hell has everything really really crap.
I love this planet, I love all of Creation, I love that everything is interconnected and that everything has a purpose. I love cats and animals in general. I love the internet! I love music and books and learning things.
I believe that I will see everyone I love in Heaven and that I will know them immediately, and be able to spend eternity with them.

In the event that I don't die tomorrow, this will all seem a little silly, but I would hate for it to be too late to say these things. Thus, let the record show that there once lived a Ree and she knew what Love was. Or at least, thought she did. I can here Jim Morrison now: 'This is the end ...'
I still maintain that I want to be reincarnated as The colour Violet.