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How much is real.

I have discovered something about myself, call it a breakthrough if you will.

I am a deeply complicated woman, but generally I really like myself. I am not going to change for anyone. All the changing is going to be for my benefit only. You don't get a vote.

Do not bother talking to me if you can't be honest and sincere. Don't try to mess with me. It confuses me and I don't know if I can stop it once I get going.

To those who have suffered because I didn't know what I was doing - sorry. I didn't believe in myself enough to really open up to you. Eventhough you might have been a complete asshole, I admit that I let you get away with it. If you did make a real attempt to talk to me and I shot you down or didn't respond, Sorry. Try again. I missed your message. Subtlety is waisted on me. Say what you mean.

I'm a little nuts, its part of my charm. I don't even know what I want, so I really don't know what I expect from you. Just talk to me. Lets figure this out together.

Whats that song, tell me if you know:

'I've got phone numbers but no one to call my own'.

Uumm... did Stav just say that women are grumpier than men? Or did I imagine that?

I agree sort of. It's our hormones. We can't help that. Men have hormones too and they can get into worse trouble because of them. Hormones are great to have though, wouldn't you agree? Snaps for hormones!!!

I love Tuks FM. They play really good music!

Slagoffer van my eie verbeelding? Definitief!

More sugar packet wisdom.

Well, I botched my first interview. I was so nervous that I almost forgot my own name and was visibly trembling. What to do? what to do!

Obviously the search for employment is still on, so I hope to have another shot soon.

All I have to cling to is my belief that it is all going to work out in the end.

The suger packet clutched in my hand says:

Action does not always lead to happiness,

but there can be no happiness without action.

Its a mouse! Get it! Get it!

So I'm backstage manager for this play, right, The Witches, by Roald Dahl.
Its 20 seconds to curtain call after the one fight scene, and two of my actors go into the dressing room. I go after them, determined to throw my weight around to get them back on stage in very little time. I get into the dressing room and there is blood everywhere!
Its seems that the one guy (accidentally) whacked poor Bernard with a frying pan and he had an enormous gash in the bridge of his nose. I grab toiletpaper and frantically try to stop the blood gushing from his nose and running down my hands. By some miracle I do not faint and deserve a medal! He gets rushed to the emergency room for stitches and I am left standing in a pool of blood that also got on the hired costumes, as well as the floor and the tie I was wearing. After I flushed the bloodied rags and TP, I sink down into a chair and was instantly greatful for all the wine I had had during the performance. I just love this business.

Virtue, how frail it is!

I've decided to become celibate. I suppose you could say it is due to a new influence in my life, but I just hate giving credit away. So, the success of this little venture will be entirely mine, since I'm doing this for very selfish reasons.

I'm certainly no angel, but I'm not exactly the most devilish person I've ever met, so I'm sure it can't be that difficult. I have tried it before and found that I got exactly out of it what I wanted to. It even lasted. It would just really be great if I can be alone in my head again. To be able to just focus on me. On what I want and need. If I didn't have to worry about sex and what/whom it involves, I will certainly be much better off. Sex influences decisions we make as well as our reactions. Elliminating it entirely will naturally lead to more stability in character, mental processes and in my general behaviour. This will allow me to get done what needs to be done, as well as to pursue different kinds of relationships with people. I could even get to know certain people much better! I hear that comes in handy when establishing any relationship. Not that I've been spending a lot of time having sex, its just that it being a possibility is problematic. So, that's the new plan!

I must say that eversince I made this decision I've felt more at peace than I have in a long time. Here's to virtue and all of those other precious ideals we so often disregard!

Is this too TMFI for you, anonymous?

Glad to help, Moron!

More crazy talk.

If you actively search for happiness, you only succeed in making yourself miserable. Take me - I obsess about everything every single moment of every single day. Mostly on what is wrong with me. It's like I get some sort of sick pleassure from torchuring myself. I imagine things that aren't real and I make up scenarios and fall for them hook, line and sinker. I'm convinced one moment and lost the next. It never stops. I don't know whether I'm coming or going and all this because I so desperately want to be happy. But you can't rely on other people to make you happy. As the Queen of new beginnings, I know that mine coincide with the phases of the moon. You might ask yourself: How many times can a person ree-invent herself (yet not change a bit) and keep going?

I've learned that it is ok to make mistakes. We learn from those mistakes. Happines, whatever that is, can come look for me for a change. I'm a girl on a mission and I'm done mesing around with things that do not matter and that are beyond the power of my will.

On an entirely unrelated matter, I heard the prettiest thing:

'Love is friendship on fire'.

I love that!

One of those days.

Uuggh! I'm in such a bad mood today. I'm so hungover and everybody is looking for Sh*t with me. I'm so terribly sorry that I'm not perfect and sometimes even rather disappointing. But you know what? I'm a human being. I make mistakes. How about, the next time any of you Bozo's have beef with me, you come talk to me about it instead of talking crap behind my back, or posting ambiguous anonymous comments that only result in pissing me off. Unless that was your intention, in which case: Congrats! You've succeeded. You're a man now.
Ok, I'm over it. It's just that I am not a mindreader. I wish people would just talk to me. I know I'm hard to pin down sometimes and you really have to press me to get some real information out of me (Queen of Vagueness and Evasive tactics.), but I would do better if I knew how. I just require some patience and I need to trust someone before I open up. Is that so difficult to understand?

So, Dandilion and I go to the Drumming Circle and I'm tense as usual. It took me a while to relax and the copious amounts of Gluwein helped. Or maybe it didn't. You decide.
So I'm sitting around the bonfire, my skirt above my knees and drum between them. I'm drummin away and am relaxing more and more. In fact, I'm relaxing so much that my foot sort of starts to slide to the front and my toes start to figit with something. Drum drum drum. Next moment I realise a few things at once: my foot has been figiting this guy (my Dad's) age in front of me on the butt, he's shuffeling around all uncomfortable and his wife is giving me death stares!
I didn't know what to do. I think I apologised, but have no way of knowing. It's sort of unclear what happened next. I guess I drank too much. That's got to stop. If you want other people to take you seriously, you have to take yourself seriously. It doesn't help that I'm so clumsy and can be such a trainwreck at times. I'm sure I'll grow out of it. To Anonymous, whoever you are, what counts as too much information? I wish you would call me so that we can talk. All this mystery is unnecessary. I'm not really so annoyed, you just caught me on a bad day. PEACE ALL AROUND! Ciao!

Hope springs eternal.

I saw one of the most beautiful movies of the year last night:

The Tiger in the Snow by Roberto Benigni. I hope that's the right spelling. Oh well. Sometimes walking out of a cinema with a great big smile on you face just makes you forget about everything. It was so beautiful, I cried and cried and it was so funny as well. So touching. It just makes you believe in love again and in people. It teaches us never to give up hope, because as terrible and cruel as this world can get, it also has the potential to be the most beautiful and magical place, where anything is possible. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. Love is more powerful than anything else in existance.

Summer fun and a long and lonesome road.

Summer here and there's colour all around! Yeah! I love flowers! Orange, purple, red, yellow, not to mention all the green around.

Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. A Fellow by the name of Ray Goodman said that. Yeah for sugar packet wisdom!
What is the point of happiness if you have to postpone it for the future? We're alive NOW, right? This is not a dress-rehearsal, this is it! Right now is all we can be sure of.
There are certain things for which I'm willing to wait, like a family and marriage.
I can live a very happy life without those things, but I come from a very loving family and would love to have one myself - eventually. Maybe in 10 years. While waiting for that, I plan on keeping my options open, enjoying life and having a chance for happiness within myself, RIGHT NOW!

One word from a prince that lives in a land far far away and I'll be more that willing to reserve his place, but until the words are spoken, I have to assume that that is never going to happen. I have to look out for me, since nobody else can or will. I've got a Queendom to take care of, after all. Still, one word...

Whatever, the point is that I refuse to traumatise myself by pretending to know anything about destiny and how it works. I'm just along for the ride. a hitch-hiker on the journey. I'm getting ready to face my destiny, whatever it turns out to be. Maybe its already here. Maybe we make our own destinies. If that's the case, I already know what I want to happen. Now to convince others....

Another word on Clowns.

This dude told me this terrifying story, tell me what you think of it. He swears every word is true.

This girl that he knows was babysitting for friends of her parents. After putting the children to sleep, she became increasingly freaked out by this life-sized Clown-doll by the bed. So much so that she phoned the parents of the children after a while, hoping to get permission to move it somewhere else, since it was so big and so freaky. The parents were horrified. They told her to immediately take the children and get out of the house. Why? She asked. They replied: We don't have a life-sized Clown-doll!

She apparantly phoned the police and later on they discovered that it was a neighbourhood crazy, who liked to dress up as a clown and climb into people's houses through the window.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yucky ickey Clowns!

Ok. In other news, I'm going away for a few days to see my family in Ballito. Hopefully I will have lots of quality time with them and my cat. Unfortunately, I have to edit this one dude's masters dissertation and find time somewhere to study for my semester tests. Oi! My life sure sucks somethimes. Just kidding. I'm pretty happy in general - that is, when there are no clowns! I'll be even happier when I get a job. Hold thumbs!

Ree of Bath

Before you read this, there are some things that you need to consider:
It is a well known fact that I am completely off my rocker. It is also no secret that I party too hard, that I Roleplay, that I read too much fantasy, science-fiction and horror, watch too many moves, series and anime. I also have an over-active imagination.

So I get home from a party with some of my closest friends that lasted until 03h00 in the morning. I have to get up early, because silly me vollunteered to help out at the Octoberfest. So I decide to take a bath before crawling into bed, so that I can get ready to go within 30mins.

Completely trashed, I get in the tub. The house is quiet except for the occasional creek from the neighbours or a murmer from my sister and her boyfriend that are sleeping over.

I keep hearing noises. Creepy noises. What the Hell? I keep envisioning these crazy scenarios where I am in the tub - naked - and someone comes in and attacks me, stabs me, drowns me or eats me. No more Clive Barker for me, I decide. I tell myself that I am being rediculous and that my imagination is running away with me. I can't relax. Too tense. Too trashed. Too paranoid.

I sink down into the water, holding my breath. That always relaxes me. Head under water. Just listening to my heartbeat. My mind wanders. I envision someone coming in while I'm under the water with my eyes closed and suddenly sit up - heaving to regain composure and oxygen. Eyes wide open. Quiet.

I look down into the water and gasp! OMG! Blood! I'm in a tub full of BLOOD! I scream (which nobody heard). I almost have a heart-attack until I realise that it's only hairdye. See, I dyed my hair the day before and didn't rinse properly. Anyway, that's why the tub was red.

I get out and tiptoe to my bed, not bothering to switch on any lights, peering around corners. I feel stupid and go to sleep, giggeling like a schoolgirl. This picture is from my good friend Shakira, who is demented, as I am.

Who else hates clowns?

I had a dream...

I had a terrible nightmare. I think it’s because I’ve been eating too much junk food lately.
In my dream, Mr. Taurus marries my cousin and nobody shared this news with me. I found out at the wedding and was devastated. Everybody lied to me about it. It was stormy, with thunder and lightning and sea-tornadoes everywhere. At the reception, I saw him and he grabbed me by the elbow, saying that we are going to sort this out once and for all. I got away from him and he chased me up to a tower. When I got up there, I say a giant stained-glass window. I threw something at it and it shattered. Then wind and rain came in and there was chaos outside. I looked at the wild, stormy sea beneath me and prepared to jump. Mr. Taurus caught me and threw me to the floor. A snowflake or something like it, but more shiny and glowing rushed at me and collided with me. I started to float, in suspended animation, frozen. He caught me before I fell to the ground again. The Priest stepped out of nowhere and told me of a vision he had seen while
I was suspended in the air. He said that he could see into other dimensions and that this has happened before, and that I shouldn’t worry because I had been married in all the other realities. I didn’t take the news well and fled again to the window, bumping my hand and cutting my bare feet in the glass. I went for the window and was about to jump out, when I woke up in my bed. I was really freaked out this morning, but I’m fine now. I know it was just a dream. The funny thing is that, this morning, I have a scratch on my hand that wasn’t there yesterday and I have a blister in my foot that is hurting so much that I convinced myself that I must have stepped in something sharp. I know that I read too much and that I have an overactive imagination, so I’m not saying it’s another vision. I’m just a little freaked out by it, since yet again; Mr. Taurus has popped up in my subconscious messages to myself. What does it mean? I’m so unsettled. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in interconnectivity. I believe that everything is related.

City Spring

I Love Pretoria. There are so many trees and I really know my way around – sort of. Most of my best friends live here too and it is sort of the place to be if you want to break into the Publishing industry. I especially love October, when the Jacaranda trees bloom. This entire green city turns completely purple. There is nothing like walking down the street when it is purple above you, purple besides you and purple beneath you. It is like walking through a purple tunnel and it is said that when a Jacaranda blossom falls on your head, it is good luck.

Of course, it’s not October yet so we still have a while until the extreme purple-ness swallows us. And it means something else to students: Start studying for the exams! So here I am, almost finished with my studies and almost a working girl. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my flat, I love my country, I love this city. I’ve been given so many opportunities and squandered many of them, but I’m still here. Every morning when I walk to Varsity, I am again overwhelmed by the beauty of this place. But I also notice something else. This city makes you so hard. It turns your heart to stone and your blood into ice-water. I used to smile at everyone, saying Good Morning to every one. Now, you just can’t do that anymore. People look at you funny when you do, like they just can’t believe someone has the nerve to talk to them, or like I want something to them, or they can use this opportunity t make obscene remarks or to try and get in my pants. Being friendly mostly leads other people to take liberties. As a woman, I have to constantly mistrust everyone, like all of them are potential rapists and/or muggers, kidnappers and/or murderers.

I wouldn’t mind leaving this place. I was toying with the idea of going to the UK for a year of so, but maybe I should just try another city. Durban is out of the question. Jozi is an option, but generally I find it so pretentious. Cape Town is great if you are a Publisher… I suppose I just need a couple of new faces, a new beginning, new opportunities, and new possibilities. I don’t want to stagnate. I don’t want to live here forever. Not yet, anyway. I’m only 25. Don’t I get to change my life a couple of times still?

On another subject entirely, what the hell is up with Whaling? Why are the powers that be even allowing this horrible practise to continue? How many people actually eat Whale meat and use Whale oil? The practises of killing whales are exceedingly cruel. Harpooning is so inhumane! Have we not progressed enough as a species to realise how irresponsible it is to carry on so carelessly? The Whale is one of nature’s most beautiful creatures and is very close to disappearing altogether. We haven’t even begun to learn anything from these ancient gods of the sea, while there is ample proof that they are as intelligent as the great Apes?

Grrr Argh!

Hey hey hey!

Happy Spring day everybody!

Oh, and also, Queen Lestat informs me that it was World Blog day on Wednesday, so Happy blogging to all!

The play opened last night and was a roaring success, I can't wait for tonight, which will be even better!

I've been rehearsed at a relentless pace. While this means that I don't really have a life at the moment, it ensures that we are all so over-rehearsed that we could do it in our sleep.
My little one-liner has turned into quite a cameo and I really really love my character. I've always wanted to be a vampire. Except for the whole 'no daylight' thing and the blood thing, it must be super cool. Anne Rice (the godess) has romanticised it so much that I would really love to live forever. Although, I really like the idea of an after-life... The sunlight allergy I could do without... Maybe I'll leave the Vampiring to those truly committed to it. I would just be a source of great controversy as a vampire, informing every one constantly that humans are people too and that we shouldn't drink their blood.

I went to the most beautiful wedding the other day. Three years ago, I was the chairperson of The Inklings, the Literacry society on campus. That year, we hosted the Spring ball and that is where J & A first met. (I take full credit for that!) Soon after they got together, I had a dream of their children and ofcourse told them about it. Three years later, I'm sitting in a beautiful chapel, watching them exchange vows and crying my big green eyes out because I'm so overwhelmed by the amasingness of it all. I've never seen two people so much inlove and more perfect for one another. Deep down, underneath all the bullshit, I'm just a big old softy. If I ever get married, it will be for the same reasons. Why go through with it if you can have unwavering devotion and ever expanding Loving!

I'll probably be the last one to marry of my current group of friends, if I ever do. I'm holding out for a hero. In the meantime, I'm taking one day at a time, enjoying what is left of my youth and basking in the glow of my own amazingness. Just kidding. I am convinced however, that there is no reason to bother if there can't be lots of passion!

Whats that smell?

Someone said to me the other day that you know that spring is coming when you can smell Jasmin all over.

This morning I was walking to Varsity down my favourite street - long and relatively quiet, lined with the most beautiful trees. Arcadia street. I could feel Spring in the air,
no, I could smell it, thanks to the Jasmin. full of promise. My sister Tish said that I smell of the Ocean, Pearls and Jasmin. I love that. I love you Tishi!My life is very complicated right now, I have so many Varsity things to do, the Play and a very complicated love-life, that I'm sure I would be much better without. Its somehow much simpler if you're single. And I am now, its just a matter of staying that way. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it. As long as I can still look myself in the eyes, I guess its all fine -- right?
I don't want to be Estella. I want to be Emma, or Elizabeth Bennet. Happy Spring to all Africans (don't venture out without a scarf just yet, Ernest Hemmingway warned us about hte false spring. That's when nature lulls you into a false sense of security, just so that she could take one last stab at our bodies with her ice cold finger.) and to all others, I can just imagine how it must suck to be you right now, missing out on this glorious African weather.

Like Estella?

Eleanor Roosevelt said that ‘Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product’. That was what it said on the sugar-packet that came with my morning Café Mocha. I just love Huletts sugar-packet wisdom! My weekend was quite hectic. My story begins on Thursday – no wait! It goes back further than that!
Mr. Cancer and I had not been going out for long, when he first called me a Fence-sitter. (one who has not yet chosen between God or the Devil). I really resented that, because the only reason he said this, was because I am interested in a variety of different things, from Tao-ism to Astrology. He said that I had obviously not made my choice yet and that ‘sitting on the fence’ was just as bad as choosing the Devil.

Thus condemned to Hell by my so-called beloved, I let it go, because he says random stupid things all the time. I did however, vow that if he ever says anything like that again, he was getting a piece of my mind! On Thursday night, we went to watch the Johannesburg Philharmonic Orchestra perform. It was a magical evening! There was a Cello concerto that brought tears to my eyes! Afterwards, we went home and he and I were cuddling on the couch, chatting away, when he brought up religion again. Then he said those fateful words: ‘and then there are Fence-sitters, like you…’ I didn’t let him finish. I erupted and said something like ‘if you ever say that to me again, I will NEVER speak to you again! At this he flipped his lid and left. I was furious and we had a heated SMS debate about it. He did call later to find out if I was ok, which was sweet. We agreed to meet on Saturday after my rehearsal to talk.
Friday I went to a party and all my friends told me to break up with him. I felt like I should give him a chance still. Saturday arrived and after my rehearsal, he came over.

(Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett @ The Lier theatre on campus @ the University of Pretoria, 31st Aug – 3rd Sept. Tickets are R35 and are selling like hotcake. For presales, contact Maria Prozesky at the English department. I would also give you her number, but my phone is broken. If anyone wishes to contact me, I can still receive calls, but that’s it).

I looked at his ill-humoured, sulky expression once and said that we both knew this wasn’t’ going to work. So I broke up with him and he definitely doesn’t want to be friends. I just can’t be with someone that narrow-minded and intolerant and judgemental! I think I really hurt him.. Oh Boo-hoo. Yep, I’m single again! I felt like a real cad, though. Afterwards, I went to the Propaganda party I had promised to go to and bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He’s an Aquarius. Mmmm. Don’t think anything will come of it though.. a fling is just a fling after all. Besides, I like being single and free much more.

In the end, I guess I realised how happy I was with my life after all. I really have nothing to complain about, as long as I keep listening to both my head and my heart. They can fight it out. I will agonise no longer! I’ve been desperately searching for happiness, but it’s been right in front of me the whole time! Life is always going to happen. Appreciate yourself and you will just be happy automatically! Watch this space…

Where's the fire!?!

Since I’ve always tended a little bit towards depression, I don’t usually pay any (real) attention to conclusions arrived at while in such a state. I realised long ago that these moods come and go and it is up to me to change the way I handle these situations. After all, we all have the ability to determine how we are going to let something affect us. I realise that we react to stimuli in a specific way because we are used to doing it like we do. I have the power over my own perceptions and no one else! No amount of cultural conditioning can keep me from doing what I feel in my heart in right. Your mind can be warped if you let it and your heart is never unaffected by its situation, but I believe that in listening to both and agonising over something always produces the best resolutions.

Here's me, taking pictures of myself in bed, cause I am incredibly vain.

That said, let me now proceed to complaining about my life once more.. I’ve realised that this relationship I’m in cannot really go anywhere. Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy and anyone looking for a safe, dependable, sweet and sensitive Cancerion would love to have him. I haven’t quite decided what to do, I’m still at the aforementioned agonising stage and I don’t want to make rash decisions. He’s just not lighting my fire – so to speak. This Leo wants passion and excitement. His Cancerion rain is putting out my Leo fire and I can’t have that. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him in any other way than superficially and that wears thin. I don’t need a good candidate for a husband and father. I need someone who I look forward to seeing, someone who I can’t get enough of. He is really handsome and charming, but there is very little chemistry.

Then there’s the fact that we have each bought into different ideologies. We already have 3 unmentionable subjects between us: Politics, Religion and the French Foreign Legion. (No comment on the latter.) The point is that I have to think about myself and my happiness and I don’t think that he is contributing at all to it. I have considered that I might be acting very irrationally at the moment and do not wish to make a hasty decision, but I think that if, by the end of August things have not improved, I should break up with him. For both our sakes. Especially mine.

Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion, the romance, the excitement? I don’t think that Cancerion and Leo is a very good combination anyway. Besides, how can I be with one person while I am still dreaming of another every night? I don’t entertain any more childish notions that Mr. Taurus and I can ever be together. I think I’ve screwed that one up beyond repair. Pity. For the moment my fantasy land is trying to get me to acknowledge that the current situation is not working, regardless what my wishes are. As I am writing this, I am completely at peace and am thinking quite rationally. Perhaps I’ve made some sort of a breakthrough?

Now that I have committed myself to at least giving him until the end of August, I have also realised that I have to meet him halfway. Give him a fair chance. Therefore, from now on I will make an effort with him, if only till the end of the month. I have already had a really nice lunch with him and his family and things do seem to be improving slightly. I must not forget that, because I don’t see him all that often, it can be rather difficult to have a relationship under these conditions. So great, a nice day. Big Deal! Only time will tell whether or not this is going to work. What a hassle. I guess no one ever said it was going to be easy!

Here is a picture of the view off of my balcony. Look at my sunset!

A new beginning.

Sawabona!

Well, now that my Marilu is safely in Japan, I can go on with my life in sunny old South Africa. Someone should tell the sun, though, because it seems to have taken a vacation. Probably wise to get away too, since the flippin third world war is on our doorstep!

On a lighter note, my life is just peachy right now. I have no money, no job, no working cell phone and no car, but I do have a great new place to live and am dileriously happy. My new relationship is also going well. I'm taking it very very slowly. So right now, I'm just living my life the way I want to and enjoying every second of my new found freedom. Have also discovered that I have a lot of power over men. Don't worry, I won't be using it for evil. I'm not a man, I don't need to abuse power to feel alive!
I have no idea where that came from.
DOWN WITH PATRIARCHY!!!
Nor do I have any intention of defending that one...

Umm, ok. I guess I will be back when I have something of interest to say. And since I'm addicted to the internet, it won't be long until I grace you all with my magnificent presence once again. Fear not!

Ciao!

ROAR! said the Lion.

Today I am 25. Actually, when I say today, I mean this day on the 23rd of July. I don’t know when I’m going to get to post anything. Don’t have money for the Internet café. So what else is new? What a strange day. This weekend started off so badly. I organised a party on Friday - very badly! Everything went wrong from step one to step umm, well, the last one. Then of course, I hear that my old friend Mercury is in retrograde and we all know how that turned out the last time. Personally, I think Mercury is jealous of me somehow… Well, so when we arrived at the party, we were two hours late, the venue had been double booked, half of the people had already left and the few who remained only stayed long enough for me to chat with shortly and then left. I didn’t even have enough time to really talk to anyone. It feels like I collected presents and exchanged pleasantries and then had to move on to the next person, because everyone was demanding my attention. Then of course, Mr. Taurus is there and I almost have heart failure, because I’m so glad to see him, come especially for the party, so sweet. I know he wasn’t there just for me, but I would be lying if I said that when he’s in the room, I am not affected at all. In fact, I was too affected for my own good. I guess I’ll always think of him in terms of the future, when all things that seem impossible now, have a real chance of happening then. To the future! Anyway, it gets worse. My boyfriend, who was supposed to work and couldn’t come to the party, shows up to surprise me. Now, this handsome young Cancerion came into the picture just a few days before, when on his birthday, we went on a date and just ended up dating. He’s so wonderful and I want him to be very happy. He seems to think that I’m a goddess, so I’m just going to go with it and hope that he doesn’t wake up from that fantasy too soon. No one has ever wanted to date me. Most guys are just interested in sex or want me to read their mind to know how they are feeling. This man actually wants to spend time with me because he loves my mind and wants to just be with me. I AM SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS NEW SENSATION OF BEING NEEDED AND WANTED and let’s face it. It’s realistic because he’s willing and able to commit to me. He’s trying to slay the dragon! So, here is Mr Dragon slayer and Mr. Taurus at one party. I feel like I’ve betrayed Mr Taurus, even though I don’t owe him any allegiance more that friendship. I feel like I’m misleading Mr Dragon slayer, which I really was not. Maybe I was just so overwhelmed. The party was a train crash. I was on an emotional rollercoaster one minute and flat lining the next. I don’t know what I expected. Luckily, my friends were there, and I m so grateful to them for being in my life and not running away kicking and screaming from the crazy lady. Probably shouldn’t have gotten wasted to try and cope either. That might just have made it all worse. I had lots of fun in the end. And I was so glad it was over. And I was just freaking out way too much. Like, I thought I would be able to handle little things like this. Maybe before I turned 25 I just had to be irredeemably incapable for the last time. Thanks Mercury you cold hearted son of a bi-atch! So, today is my birthday and my boyfriend still hasn’t dumped me for being insane and indecisive. Maybe he likes his women crazy, I don’t know. I’m going to stop being a commitment phobe now. For this year, my wish is that I will be happy and successful and that I will be able to make my amazing friends and family very happy. I wish to discover new things about myself and the world and to live the inspiration. I have had wonderful examples and influences from the people I will just call my Royal advisors. As I am about to embark on a whole new chapter, I look back fondly, hoping that it was all worth it to get here and that I will never stop learning about and loving being alive. And never again will I be organising any parties, especially not for myself.
So, right now it is the day after my birthday and I must say that all things considered, it was wonderful. My new boyfriend treated me to wine, salad and bought me a present, which he was not supposed to do, since we had only been together for 4 days. He’s so incredibly sweet and I’m going to do my best not to screw it up with him. Also, I believe it is important to hold on to my individuality, because you cannot possess someone and you can definitely not allow anyone to possess you. I think I’m going to be fine. I’m an adult now and know a lot better. Tune in next time for some more developments!