Something for everyone.

"If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values, we must recognize the whole gamut of potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric, one in which diverse human gifts will all find a fitting place." - Margaret Mead "Sex and Temperament"

Kill Miguel!

I've started seeing a therapist because I've got emotional problems. I kind of had a small breakdown that had been on its way for years now, but I feel like I finally have the opportunity to do something to change my life now. Because I just don't want the rest of my life to go on like this. My therapist says that I am my own worst enemy because I am so hard on myself. She's urging me to break out of the continuous cycle of beating myself up over EVERYTHING. (on a completely unrelated subject, I must remember to in ten years time do two things: Jump out of an airoplane with my Dad with Parachutes and meet my friend Peter on St. Patrick's Day in Prague in 2016. And now back to our regular programming.)

I've decided to recommend an idea to the writers of a soap opera. I don't really call myself a soap opera enthusiast, but I do admit to watching them. I'm a drama queen and I have studied a little but about soap operas doing visual communication. My interest is purely academic, I swear! The one I'm interested in writing to is Passions, I think on Fox or something. I'm in South Africa, so I'm a bit behind on the series, by maybe three years.

At the moment there is the beginning of a love triangle between Charity, Miguel and Kaye. This love triangle is like one of those typical soap opera ones that lasts years and years and never stops unless one of the two opposing members leaves town or dies. General Soapie story line. I've however, considered the case of Passions and have decided that the best thing they can do for that love triangle is to Kill off Miguel! That would make the rivalry between cousins Charity and Kaye obsolete. They would be brought together in mourning for him, they would each eventually move on with their lives, become completely different people but always having that bond, each find love somewhere else and become stronger. Now of course that would give the writers to bring Miguel back in a couple of years in the classic: I'm not really dead, this is what actually happened, but now I'm back.
They don't have to do this, however. They could simply kill Miguel and be the first (I assume) to ever kill off the object to the love triangle. Wouldn’t that make for compelling T.V.? Also, it would be great if Passions would do it, because Passions is a satire on all soaps. It constantly pokes fun at soaps in general by being such a soap as well. I think it would suit them and would do great things for them. It would be as big as the “Marlena is possessed by the devil” story line. As a fan of their craft, I really think that this would be a wise decision.

Another thing that I'd like to mention, is that I have discovered music that I have always been aware of, but never really devoted time to. In the spirit of taking time to devote myself to something that I've always wanted to but never had time for, I have acquired appreciation for the following: The Doors; Dire Straights; Rodriguez; Led Zeppelin, Leonard Cohan; Johny Cash and the like. I suppose it is because I am an 80's baby that I love this music so much. Its so mellow and chilled, yet groovey and moody. And epic. Like Jimmi Hendrix is a god who draws you into his world and make you listen to what he has to say.

This is my flatmate Jansie. This was taken on a day when I'm sure we were overdoing the celebrations, so she hates this picture. Why do I use it then? Simple, I'm passive agressive and this is payback. I'm so kidding. I think its a cool photo. When asked who she would most likely want to meet, Jansie said Margaret Mead. I really should get me an autobiography of Margaret Mead. If you are looking for a female role-model, she is one of those women that you will want to consider. She is, I think, the first female anthropologist and was apparently quite the wildcat. Yeah for strong women! (Totally unrelated note:) now that Stuart Townsend is a free man again, I'm sure that I will be forgiven for just saying: Stu, welcome to the land of possibility you hot boy! We LOVE you!

Fond farewell.

Here's a shout out to my buddy Wes, who is leaving soon to pursue his dreams.
I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'm so proud of you for doing what you mean to do. Embrace the adventure, you look good doing it.

The Universe is watching you, because you are one of it's brightest stars. Remember that you've always got a home to come back to.

Mwah!

Wakey wakey!

I've always known this, but I guess that for the first time I truly grasp now what I never have entirely before: Life Happens. you can't stop things from happenening or turning out the way that they do, it all just happens. All you can really do is to say: That's life, and get on with yours. I should have known. But I didn't. Maybe I should sue Walt Disney for making false promises. It's all his fault! His and Mercury's. I was promised a Prince and that fairy tales can come true. I wonder how I should argue it.. Nah, I'll get over it!

there aren't enough sheep to count...

So, no sleeping for me again. Well, I had about two hours, so I didn't feel entirely like crap this morning. Let me tell you about my week. Tuesday, ofcourse I didn't have any sleep, I went to class and this dude, a guest lecturer, does a demonstrasion in which he commences to braai (to fry/barbeque) meat in class to illustrate some demonic concept of inspirational leadership. Whatever that has to do with meat! I don't get it, I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat for years and years and the very smell thereof makes me so nauseous that I was about to throw up all over the little girls in the row in front of me. Instead, and I'm sure they were very grateful, I slammed my folder shut and promptly left class. I have never done anything like that before because I consider it unforgivable rude, but I had to. It was an emergency. Ignorant Pratt! I realise that in South Africa, not eating meat is an outrageous sin, but give me a freaking break! That smell was so terrible. Anyway, so the next day, I show up for a test that I expected to write, where upon I was informed that the test had been the day before. Mercury you Feind! I am such a freaking bone-head! Why can't I just get the simplest thing right? I live according to a strict schedule, but the only thing I seem to be able to remember is when Passions and Six Feet Under is on. I was so convinced that I had the correct date. Dandelion said that the same thing used to happen to her all the time, which really made me feel better. She's so much smarter than me, I feel like less of a bone-head. So then, I run into my friend Steve, whom I expect to comfort me after the missed test business, but NO! He's having a bad week. Now, I realise that he was probably not in the best of moods, but you know what Steve? I've also had a bad week, but you don't see me taking it out on EVERYONE I HAPPEN TO MAKE EYE-CONTACT WITH! He's apparantly pissed at me for something I had said on Tuesday, that not only had nothing to do with him, it was such an utter nothing that was said in a moment of irritation. I didn't even mean it! And it really is such a little nothing, but he is SERIOUSLY mad at me. Of all the childish things, I am so dissappointed in him. Then again, 23 year old boys are like 19 year old girls. Immature yet arrogant and anal. Oh, well. So, last night I couldn't sleep again, so I phoned Lu and told her that I couldn't sleep for the following reasons: I was thinking about my past, present and future; who I had become; who I used to be; Who I wanted to be; strengths and weaknesses; my lack of a love life, the fact that I couln't sleep yet again, etc. She is always awake when I need her, another insomiac. She said that I use my headspace very productively. I said that it's more obsessiveness than productivity. She said that obsession can inspire and that obsession is over-focussed inspiration. I like that. It puts a positive spin on it. I'm all convinced of the power of positive thinking. I know I'm having such a crappy week, but there is no denying the fact that a positive outlook on life attracts positive things to you. Hopefully we are going to the Drumming Circle this weekend, it will make everything alright again.

This is a picture of Lu which she will most likely kill me for. I think she looks great, considering what we got up to that night.


And there's Dandelion, who would look gorgeous draped in a garbage bag.
Just to be fair (and I'm all about fairness) here is a picture of me, looking a bit worse for wear on a similar night, at the Drumming Circle a couple of months before, with Dandelion. I love it so much! I remember once when we went, it started raining fiercely and there was an electrical storm. Nature was so alive then! The drumming along with the thunder and lightning was awesome and later we danced in the rain. I love being a hippie! By the way, I haven't smoked or had a drink in over a week now. YEAH for abstinance!

Memoirs of a Reesha.

Just finished reading ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ by Arthur Golden. Can’t wait for the movie, the book was superb. It’s the story of a young girl who is sold by her family into slavery. She grows up with certain ideals in mind and becomes a Geisha, never giving up on her dreams. It was such a lovely read, I couldn’t put it down. So inspirational, so profound at times. Not only is the story so incredibly intriguing and beautiful, the way he phrases the things that he says is so beautiful. Truly beautifully written. Here’s one of my favourites: “We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course”.

I’ve always believed that destiny will lead you to whatever you are supposed to go. As I’ve often said, there is no such thing as co-incidences. It is important, though, that you take part actively in the travelling part of this journey. Like a road trip. The things that we learn along the way happen to us on purpose, so that we acquire a new skill or gain a strength that we will need when we progress further along the road, in order to be able to go further. I don’t understand any of the things that happen to me, I don’t even think anything has ever really happened to me. Not like some of the stories you hear.. Still, I believe that I’ve grown as much as I was able to and I don’t think that it stops there. There’s got to be more. I’m not ungrateful when I say that nothing has even happened to me. I’m not saying that at all. I’d just like to see some results, is all. My biggest trial is my own impatience. Leo to the core, I want the World, NOW!

Here’s some more Memoirs of a Geisha – wisdom that definitely taught me something:
“We human beings are only a part of something very much larger. When we walk along, we may crush a beetle or simply cause a change in the air so that a Fly ends up where it might never have gone otherwise. And if we think of the same example, but with ourselves in the role of the insect, ad the larger universe in the role we’ve just played, it’s perfectly clear that we are affected each day by forces over which we have no more control that the poor beetle has over our gigantic foot as it descends upon it. What are we to do? We must use whatever methods we can to understand the movement of the Universe around us and time our actions so that we are not fighting the currents, but moving with them”.

I can’t make the phone ring. I can’t pretend to understand when I don’t have a clue. I just know that it hasn’t happened yet, because of a very important reason. Whatever that might be. Maybe, seeing as I’m still so sickeningly irrational about this, the phone isn’t ringing because I need time to deal with myself and the situation. I need a chance to gain some distance and perspective, to get over the anxiety and learn how to be in control of the situation. Maybe the call will never come. Maybe I’m supposed to forget about it. Maybe it will come. Maybe I need to focus on becoming the person that I’ve always wanted to be, regardless of who is or isn’t I my life or what does or does not happen. Maybe if I’m happy, the world will be happy with me! What am I saying? I AM happy! I’m just impatient. Boo!

KT Tunstall sings loudly and proudly: “Find yourself another place to fall. Find yourself up against another brick wall. See yourself as a fallen angel. Well I don’t see no holes in the road but you. Find another place to fall. There isn’t much more I can say. For I don’t understand the delay. You’re asking for friendly advice and remaining in permanent crises. Affection is yours if you ask, but first you must take off the mask…”

At the moment I’m reading ‘The Pigeon’ by Patrick Süskind, author of the amazing novel ‘Perfume’. Damn I loved that book. What brilliance!

Keep going no matter what.

She exhaled and watched as her breath evaporated into the cold air around her. She had been walking on this road for awhile now. At least, she assumed it was a road she was walking on, the fog was so thick that she could hardly make out her feet. So thick and so cold. She wonders if it is ever going to stop. The weatherman didn’t say anything about fog. She wasn’t expecting sunshine and rainbows and ponies, but this fog was unexpected. She looks behind her, but sees nothing more than an inch in front of her. She keeps going. She lets her mind wander, trying to occupy it in an attempt to distract herself. She tries to remember what she was doing on this foggy road in the first place, but her mind is just as clouded. She can’t even recall where she was going or where she had come from. The fog is growing so dense that she can barely see her hand if she holds it up right in front of her face. Here and there she can make out a shape. The more she tries to make out, the less there seems to be. She finds nothing more than the occasional tree stump or deserted ruin, long abandoned and forgotten.


The road seems never-ending. She tries very hard not to panic. So lost, so cold, so alone. She tries to remember the last time she had felt the sun on her face. She keeps walking through the fog, stumbling once or twice. She gets up quickly, not wanting to waste any time staying in the fog for longer than necessary. ‘If only there was some sign of life out there’, she muses, ‘some proof that there was at least a little bit of sunshine at some stage. Some life. Just some indication that she was going in the right direction, wherever that was. Some sign that the sun will come out eventually and the fog will clear up’. Walking blindly through the fog terrifies her, till she keeps walking. She stumbles again and gets up quickly, for fear of what might happen if she doesn’t keep moving and stays in one spot for too long. The thought occurs to her that the fog might be moving along with her, keeping her in its centre. She decides against this line of thinking. Surely there is nothing to gain from such counter-productive thoughts.
She keeps walking, waiting, moving. Where is the sun? She is fighting to hold back the tears. Sometimes she hears music in the distance, but no matter how hard she tries, she can’t seem to get there. Tears flowing freely now. She keeps walking. Nothing else to do. She keeps walking.

Ok, so these are the thoughts that occupy my recent freak flash of insomnia. Today, eventhough I'm inconcievably much sleep-depraved, I feel alot better. Maby I just needed to vent or burst. Maybe its a hormonal thing. I wouldn't know. It's a bit manic, I admit, but I'm happy right now, and I'm clinging to my little bit of sunshine.

Anyone got sum Ginko Biloba?

Oi! I was trying to login on my Varsity email, but I have forgotten my password. Damn this stoner memory! What a time to forget it! I have so much work to do and need to get on the website asap. Because of my slight problem with confronting my life, I've gotten so behind in Varsity and now have to do a project without a group to do it in. It's ok, its just 2500 words on Database and multimedia CD-ROM evaluation. How do I get myself into these situations?

I've decided to stop 'not waiting' for the phonecall. I've clearly misinterpretted what he was saying, since too much time has already gone by. I don't think he will ever call. I refuse to mope about it, I refuse to let this get in the way of achieving my goals, which includes passing this damn project thing. I'll just have to find a way to move on with my life. I don't think I'm doing too badly. I've quit smoking and drinking for not-Lent.

Peace be da journey!

What am I doing?

I feel like I'm slowly becomming invisible, like the world is forgetting about me, like I don't matter any more. I've decided to give up alcahol and cigarettes for Lent, just to get my head cleared again. I can't remember the last time I didn't feel crap when I woke up. I can't remember the last time I had a dream. Mostly I think I just pass out. I really think Partying so much is becomming a means of escapism. I think that taking an indefinate break will get my head cleared, give me time to focus on saving whats left of my studies and give me time to confront my issues. A friend pointed out today that all my issues are so silly and irrational. I know I'm paranoid and I realise that I run away with things. Maybe I should just give myself a break. This break, however, involves my social life. This is not about waiting by the phone or not waiting by the phone. This is about me and the fact that I need to love myself and focus on achieving my goals for ME. Marilu baby, thanks for listening. It was great to spend time with you today, you really have a talent for putting things into perspective. What am I going to do when you move to Japan? Kom volgende naweek na die Picasso uitstalling toe!