Belief is a full-time job...

The Most amazing thing has happened. I find myself completely at peace. Well, sort of. I’m supposed to be studying for my Sick Exam right now, but I’ll get to it. Just had to write something. I had to get it out of my head, for fear that I will explode if I don’t. The concepts of Truth and Beauty are discussed in Memnoch the Devil. This was the only one of the Vampire Chronicles that I hadn’t read yet, but am now making up for it. It goes very well with my current state of mind and supports what has been swimming around in my head ever since I read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Well, no, ever since I read Shakespeare. Ever since I heard Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for the first time. Ever since I read Paulo Coelho. Ever since I read Tom Robbins. How amazing is this world we live in? This reality, whatever it might turn out to mean, has infinite possibilities and magnificence. It has so much that it is almost too much for one soul to stand. That’s why we search for a partner - to share the sheer load of it all, all that Greatness.

In Memnoch, our hero - the Vampire Lestat, undergoes a journey into Heaven and Hell. Its sort of a Faustian situation that goes on, but I will not reveal too much, since I want people to go and read it. It takes modern and pre-modern concepts of God and the Devil and integrates it with what we understand as Darwinian Evolution. What is the point of it all? Why is it all happening? Why does God allow all of this suffering and evil things to exist? Anne Rice makes an excellent point and I really like what shes done with these ideas. I like that as I read, my faith is challenged around every turn of the page. I question what I know (or believe) and reinforce it with reason and logic and all those (not quite as fun as supernatural) things. Science VS Faith. Ive never thought that the two should be mutually exclusive.



I question my existence just like any person. What is my reason for being here? I dont believe in coincidence, I sort of believe in Destiny and Predetermination. So, whats the plan then? Can I ever know? Heres what I think: I believe that we are put on this Earth (each individual with his/her own capacity to understand and perceive) to endure whatever this world can throw at us. Some have it harder than others. I dont think its fair either, but no one ever said it was going to be fair. Each of us have different things to endure and overcome if, by the end of your life (which remains undeterminable) you have perceived enough to make up your own mind about things. Did you spend your time on Earth appreciating your time on Earth? Did you perceive all the Truth and Beauty and Revelation around you? Did you appreciate how amazing the whole of Creation is? Are you able to forgive others for the things they have done to you? Are you able to forgive God for putting you through the difficult things in your life and can you accept that He has His reasons and that in due time (at His discretion), you will know too? Can you forgive yourself for the things you have done to yourself and others? Can you draw acceptance out of all the Quintessential Beauty of Creation that is all around you if you look hard enough? Can you hear the answers and not necessarily like them, but still accept them and be at peace?

I believe that Love and everything that falls under it is the only way to do it. The nature of Love is very simple, I dont need to go into that. That is why, when you meet someone and spend time with them (if only for a short while) and they make the world a more beautiful place than it already is, is that not glorious? All I can offer as proof is my tiny bit of experience. As stated before, people come in and out of our lives and some leave more of an imprint than others. It feels wonderful to have my feelings acknowledged and it feels as if all is right with the world. It feels great to know I didnt imagine it all. It really happened! Confirmation. The potential of this life to continually surprise you is astounding. I didnt think it would ever happen to me for real! Even if it was short-lived - for the moment. Who know what the future will bring. I can draw so much strength from the fact that someone out there thinks Im amazing. They love me the way Ive always wanted to be loved and never dreamed possible. Getting confirmation that ones feelings for another is returned (even in some small way), is a little bit like what it must feel like to come to the end of your life and finding out that all you believe in and cling to - all of your Universal Truth - is real. Does that not redeem all the bad things? Is that not a sign that Good is triumphing over Evil? And what about those two? Are they mutually exclusive? What about balance? Ok, Ill stop now; this is getting out of hand! Too many questions and not nearly enough answers. I look forward to finding the answers, but Im willing to be patient for them. Time will reveal it all. All I have to do is to make sure that I can deal with the Truth when I am confronted with it.

While reading Memnoch, my beliefs were challenged quite often and I have to say, they hold up quite nicely. Im not worried. And meanwhile, Life goes on. I really should get a real job soon. Anyone need a good Editor or Publisher?

Patchess' big mention.

Here's my kitty Patches.
Isn't she sooooooooooo beautiful!?!
Her full name and title is Princess Patchess the Furry.

I love you my honey pie!!!

The Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me

On the way to the coast, the stupid bus broke down. Luckily this happened not far from the halfway stop and I could go for some real coffee while we waited for the replacement bus. The new bus had to be sent from Joburg and was 4 hours away. Yeah for real coffee! Before leaving for Ballito, I had an anxiety attack of sorts. I became convinced that I was going to die in a bus accident and never see anyone I loved ever again. Just when I started to drown in these somewhat irrational emotions, all my friends showed up and saved me from myself. Thanks guys! Thanks especially to Dandelion, who dropped everything and rushed over to my side when she heard I was upset.

Anyway, so while I was waiting for the bus (reading and drinking copious amounts of coffee), this dude came over to talk to me. He was very upset about the bus business and had obviously already had a few beers. I explained to him that it was better for them to delay us than us having an accident and that I was sure this was happening for a reason. He looked at me funny and asked how I could be so sure. I said (and realized it at that moment) that I had to believe it, otherwise my life had no meaning, that everything was connected and that there were no coincidences. He thanked me for being nice to him. Apparently no one had ever talked to him with so much respect before. I merely smiled and said that everyone deserves respect. Then he practically proposed marriage! I laughed it off, but he was quite adamant. He said that he is never going to find someone like me again and I said that he would be surprised at how many women like me there are. Again he insisted that I marry him and I said something along the lines of that men only want to possess women and that I have no desire to be possessed. I hope that didn’t sound too condescending, but he was starting to weird me out.
He did say that I had an inner-light; a warmth that was overwhelming to him. I must admit that this made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I was just happy to be alive and the thought that my life had meaning was a nice one. To think that just a few hours before, I was crying and being all irrational about this trip. I was not dead, but alive. And I was inspiring someone, making them feel better.
There is meaning to my life after all and I’ve realized that Life is what you make of it.

Ok, so much for part one of this story. Part two consists of something a little different. Everyone who knows me will be able to tell you that I drive myself crazy just out of pure enjoyment. Well, maybe not enjoyment, but generally it is the by-product of an under-stimulated mind. I’m not going to do that any more. And I’m not going to let others do that to me either. I really am not crazy. Just a little bored. I remain in control of my own mind. I am the Space-Monkey that has assumed command of this melon!
So, enter Mr. Taurus. There is nothing boring about Mr. Taurus. In fact, this handsome young male is in every way that I can see, absolutely beautiful. I really don’t know what to say about him, he’s probably going to laugh at me when he reads all about himself. What I can say is that I’ve known him for a while, though I don’t think I’ve ever really known him before. Not like this. Not that he’s a mysterious person by nature, just that there’s a lot there and it takes more than a moment to see it clearly. He is a Watcher and is Always Watching.
I’m so afraid of what he’ll see.
I don’t know what to call our little ‘romance’, it feels as if mere words are insufficient to describe it. Do I love him? Who knows what that is.. I love going to the beach with him, sharing all of that beauty with him. I love how on top of the world I feel, gazing out onto the horizon, knowing that he is right there, doing the same thing. I love when he takes my hand, I love when he kisses me. I love the way he smiles when he kisses me or when I kiss him. I’m kind of shy around him, but he is so cute about it, he makes me feel at ease with this amazing energy that he exudes. I love his smile and his hair. I love his head, it’s a good head. I love his eyes, I love his mouth, I love his laugh. I love his smell. I love how incredibly hot he is. I love his strength, which shines through in everything he does. I love his strong arms and I love when he takes me into them. I love that he understands what I’m saying, not a lot of people do. I love how he talks to people. I love that he loves my cat. I love how patient he is. I love how focused he is. I love getting wasted with him. Ok, I’m totally running away with this. The point I’m trying to make is that he is amazing. Sometimes I catch myself listening to songs and thinking of him. Then of course, I stop, because I’m being ridiculous. My inner-Sakura says NO! I’m leaving, right?

I’ve never considered geography a major factor between friends, but between lovers it is quite devastating. Suffice it to say that I live far away from him and therefore, cannot allow myself to even think along the lines of love, whatever that is.. Ever since I got here, it’s been like an emotional rollercoaster for me and I have changed my mind about this so many times. I have also re-drafted this entry several times. I don’t even know what is going on inside his head, I can only imagine that he … never mind, I’m not going to venture a guess. Every time I decide that it would be best to just leave it be, he shows up being so damn cute and irresistible. I’m so weak! When I got here with my infamous big mouth, I said something stupid like ‘I wouldn’t mind getting my heart broken, just to know what it feels like’. Yeah, I wasn’t serious! But of all of the stupid things I say, this is the one that the Universe responds to. The irony kills me! I dare not think along those lines though, because I’m leaving pretty soon and the last thing I need is to be in love with someone who lives far away. Not that I’m at all saying that this is love. I’m going to stop saying that now. I’m going to miss him so much. I wish this could go on, so that I would have time to show him who I really am. Right now, I’m just showing him the tip of the iceberg, because I don’t want to waste the little time we have with things like that. Which things?
I’m very much in-like. He’s very easy to fall for, because he is so amazing. I know he likes me too, of that much I’m pretty sure. He’s always stuck me as a decent guy who wouldn’t fake it with someone just for the sake of some fun. I’m sure he really wants to be there. Of course, the record shows me to be a very poor judge of character, since I am so very gullible. (I prefer Trusting).
Nevertheless, I would hate to be wrong about this one.
Frau Frau understands me. So does Jonathan Davis as well as the Foo Fighters.

It is complicated, as it always is. We’re never alone much, but when we are, I really enjoy him. I am having fun. I won’t say though, that whatever is going on is merely fun. For it to be that, I should not care about him like this at all. We come with a little bit of history.. I respect and revere him too much for it to mean absolutely nothing to me. I’m enjoying his company so much. What’s that song? ‘..and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you..’
The flip side is that I have my life to whip into shape and he is just starting a new life somewhere far away from me. I want both of us to be happy and whole - Not pining for something far away - that would only be a half-life. He is so strong in life and I have learnt a lot from him, though I’m sure he is unaware of it. You see, I’ve always been a Watcher too. And I’ve been watching him constantly. Maybe it’s because I’m reading Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, that the idea of being a watcher is such a powerful one to me. To watch and to learn and to understand the bigger picture: the nature of nature.
One of the most thrilling experiences is to be seen seeing; To be watched watching; To be observed observing. I feel naked, like there is nowhere I can hide. What do I represent, what do I do? What does he want from me, what does he expect? Who knows! What do I expect? Why can I not say these things to him? Maybe I’m a better writer than a speaker. Maybe I’m a weenie. Maybe I’m afraid of what he’ll say. Maybe I’m afraid of what he won’t say. Maybe I’m not afraid at all, just smart. When writing, I have time to reflect on what I am really feeling and to not drown in irrational initial reactions. I hate – no - detest fear and uncertainty.

Communication has always been hard for me face to face, because I never know what people expect from me. I don’t even know what I expect from myself. Maybe I do.. Maybe disappointing myself is the worst thing that could happen. If I disappoint myself, maybe I lose all the self-respect I have fought so hard to gain. My ivory-tower is fragile yet.. Anyway, I am drifting from the point. Or am I? Maybe I am truly nearing the point for the first time. People come in and out of your life and the only really consistent one is You yourself. We should all learn to appreciate the amazing people we meet and remember them when they are gone. Honoring their memory - so to speak..
Maybe I do love Mr. Taurus. Maybe I always have and that is why he is still allowed in my life. Maybe I am only noticing his true brilliance now. This romantic spirit of mine would love nothing more than the drama involved in being in love with someone I cannot have, but my new rational, grown-up side realizes that I am lucky to have had what I do and I can draw a lot of strength from that.
I’ve always believed that nothing is stronger than Love, whatever that is.

Adventures of Ree in the land of dust.

There goes the neighbourhood!

So, Im off to the coast to regain my sanity. I didnt get to write my last exam that was on 666. I got a sick-note. I know what you are thinking, but I assure you, I didnt have to fake any illness, Im really sick. It certainly doesnt help that the block across from me is getting demolished to make way for progress and the eventual Gautrain-station. Theres so much light now…
Demolition is no laughing matter. Not caring that people who live in the area are most likely students, hellishly studying for the June Exams, they have been a-demolishing happily from 07h00-21h00 every day for the last 3 weeks, only taking a much deserved break on Sundays. It looks like a war zone out there and sounds like you are constantly under fire! The dust is everywhere and it is no wonder that everyone is coming down with chest-area sicknesses. No one can breathe properly and I wish I had a mask to walk around with. The noise is really getting to me too. Its grating. I tremble even when Im not in the flat. I'm sick and the anti-biotics are killing me; hormonal; sleep-depraved; Exam ridden; seriously in panic because I have only 1 month left to find another place to live and a job to pay the rent; my flatmate and I are clinging to hope of release while trying not to take our frustrations out on each other; I havent seen my cat or my parents in a long time and seriously lack something or someone to be fascinated with.
Stinks, huh? Would it surprise you in anyway to find out that I dont think Ive ever been happier in my entire life?
Im finally learning to like myself and to come to terms with things that Ive never been able to before. I think that Ive reached a certain plateau of emotional maturity. I used to think that everything that is wrong was my own fault and consequently, was very hard on myself. I supposed Ive accepted that life is not always fair. Now, I know I dont have it so bad, but I'm also done comparing myself to other people. I cannot live my life like that. I can't constantly be assessing what I have and what others have. It would drive me insane and keep me from doing the things I set out to do. Who am I? Do you really want to know?
Just kidding. The point is that I know who I am and I refuse to listen to other opinions on the matter. Certain people are fond of having such opinions and imposing them on me. I'm also done blaming myself for relationships that don’t work out, when I clearly was the one NOT at fault. Its true that I have many issues, but at least I dont make them those of other people! Hey, Tim? Anyway, so now I live in what I have affectionately come to call: Chechnya-all-over-again. Jansie, Margaux and I have decided to document this blessed event, which is undeniably, the end of an era. The following are pictures of what is going on outside my flat in the middle of Hatfields’ busiest street - Burnette street. I think every old-Hatfieldite can appreciate this, since it has been a part of Hatfield reality for many years. Notice the somewhat victorious destruction of Recess and Times 4, which have been Sodom& Gomorra for as long as Ive lived here. Poor little Katja cutie-pooh is having a tough time with the noise and shakes too!
Destruction? carnage? Bwah-ha-ha! What a great time to be moving!
Your Queen will be on holiday at a really pretty and quiet beach until the 23rd, where the only sounds I will hear is that of the ocean - which may or may not be trying to kill me. Lots of fun to be had and never a dull moment. WATCH THIS SPACE!

And I declare this, My Independence Day.

I decided today that I am going to stop being so dependent on everyone else. Not because the world has taught me that you cannot count on them. I realise that all people cannot be trusted, I'm not that naive! Plenty of the people that I know can be relied upon for anything!
The point is that I've decided that I am strong and capable. I can depend on myself, because I am able to in most cases. I'm obviously not including extreme circumstances in my little scenario. Maybe I just needed to realise my own worth, my own strength. Maybe I have. Just to stop being so in need of guidance all the time! I'm almost 25 years old for Pete's Sake! Time to grow up!

I am being too hard on myself, I know. My therapist maintains that that is the root of all my problems. Whatever.. I have ree-assumed command of this mind.

It's all about control and confidence.


I'm going away for a little while. Visit the folks down in Ballito.



My studpid friend Grt made a stupid joke about something so damn stupid,
and now I'm obsessing over it.

Thanks alot for putting these ideas into my head, Grt!

Grrr!

The end?

What if I died tomorrow?
I’ve been very emotional lately and I cannot fight the feeling that the world is going to end. What if there were no tomorrow? What if today was my last day on Earth?
What would I have wanted my last day to include? I realise that I have 9 days left before my Exams are officially over for this semester and I should probably focus on those 9 days than on just one day… But this is an especially important day we’re talking about. If I die, this blog would never receive a new entry, but would exist up to my last entry most likely forever! I realise that I must sound very silly sometimes, going on and on about things that don’t really matter. In the end, I guess I decided that what others think of me isn’t as important as what I think of me. I am conflicted as to my own identity and this is manifested in the way I approach life. If I had more self-confidence, I could take over the world. Grrr…Arggh! I have recently become aware of my own strength and have surprised myself with the sheer magnitude of it, flowing through me like electricity.
Now, If I died tomorrow, I would like the following things known about me. I am Ree. I believe in Love and that God is Love. It is energy that encompasses everything. That is why Love is stronger than EVERYTHING and ANYTHING out there. I belief that everything that Love entails and requires of a person are what should be considered good values. I belief that people make mistakes and will continue to do so. The only way to progress past this point is to learn from your mistakes and get over them, becoming stronger and better in the process. I believe that you can learn something from everyone that comes across your way. I believe that in retrospect, everything becomes clearer and we are able to see why things happen the way they do. I believe in the innate goodness of everyone and am saddened by the realisation that you cannot trust everyone. There are bad people out there that want to harm you, so be vigilant and stick to your principles. I believe that Integrity is one of the most important qualities a person can have and that it must never be called into question. You must always preserve your integrity. I believe that when you love, you must do so with every fibre of your being, even when it seems unrealistic or impossible. I believe we must forgive, even if it seems unlikely. I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in building people up, not breaking them down. I believe in peace, but at the same time, that we should fight for what is right. I do not believe that violence is the only option in a fight. I believe in predetermination, but also that we construct our own realities. This is possible because of Free Will, which is the most amazing thing. I think God gave us Free Will because He/She loves us like a parent loves his/her children: so much that we are trusted to choose for ourselves what our path will be. LOVE; TRUST; RESPECT; HONOUR; TRUTH; BEAUTY; FREEDOM. This is the legacy that such a relationship instils in us. I believe that there are many roads to a specific destination, with different lessons and adventures in each.
I Love my parents, and my brother. I love my family. My friends, I love you as well. Everyone whom I have ever called a friend can rest assuredly that I do not throw this term around carelessly. If I considered you a friend, I gave you the time of day, and thus there can be no question that I loved you dearly. I regret that I have never been in love, it is something that I have always been curious about. Even though I get discouraged sometimes, I’ve never really doubted the existence thereof. I believe that the soul-mates hypothesis is overly-simplistic. There is no ONE. There are many Potentials and it is up to us to explore that potential and make something out of it.
The secret of life is to bet everything you have and are on what you believe to be true beyond a showdown of doubt. That is your validation, that is you universal truth, your purpose, your reason for being. I believe that Heaven has everything really really great and that Hell has everything really really crap.
I love this planet, I love all of Creation, I love that everything is interconnected and that everything has a purpose. I love cats and animals in general. I love the internet! I love music and books and learning things.
I believe that I will see everyone I love in Heaven and that I will know them immediately, and be able to spend eternity with them.

In the event that I don't die tomorrow, this will all seem a little silly, but I would hate for it to be too late to say these things. Thus, let the record show that there once lived a Ree and she knew what Love was. Or at least, thought she did. I can here Jim Morrison now: 'This is the end ...'
I still maintain that I want to be reincarnated as The colour Violet.

Atlas shrugged

She carried the world on her shoulders, every muscle tensing up under the pressure. She had no other responsibility but to keep the enormous globe from falling. Crumbling beneath its weight, she stood in the garden, barely managing to stand upright. Heavy. Gigantic. World crushing me! Sense of responsibility – let no harm come to that which is in your charge! Cannot drop it, must not drop it. Hold on, this is your validation! Your reason for being! You are so used to carrying your burden anyway, it has become part of your frame. Your posture has gone all screwy. She can remember that it used to be perfect, like a Ballerina. Now, her shoulders and neck and arms are so used to bracing itself and her spine has grown to support her head as it supports the world. Mine and mine alone…

“You know you can’t keep this up forever, right?” came the Voice.
She looks around, not able to discern where it came from. Somewhere… up in the trees perhaps.. She can’t see that far up, the globe on her shoulders is blocking her view.
“Why don’t you let it go?” the Voice says again.
“I can’t let it go!” she replies into the nothing, “I am responsible for it”.
She walks around a bit, partly to stretch her sore muscles, partly to find the owner of the mysterious voice. As she walks, she balances the world, taking it this way and that. She tries to shift the weight a bit to here and then to there. Just a little bit of relief would be nice.
“Just a little bit of relief would be nice, wouldn’t it?” the Voice says again.
It startles her. Can the Voice read her mind?
“Where are you?” she says and then “Who are you?”
Silence.
Then, “I am everywhere and all things. You can see me anywhere you look, if you try hard enough”.
She sighs. “If that is so, I shall never see you. I don’t have a moment to try and see anyone, I have this globe to carry and it is making me tired”.
It was as if she could feel the Voice smiling kindly. She did not fear it.
“Why don’t you let someone else hold it for you?” came the Voice again.
She thought about it for a moment. “No, I do not trust anyone else not to drop it. What if they don’t care enough to protect it? No, it must be my burden alone!”
“Why do you care so much?” the Voice asked.
She didn’t answer.
“You could try to put it down somewhere” the Voice volunteered after a while.
She shook her head, causing the globe to bounce a bit. She recovers from the strain and it goes still again. “I have to keep it in the air, its how this works’. She looked very sad as she said this.
“Perhaps you could put it up in a tree?”
She looks around at all the trees. “That might work - it will have to be a very strong tree, with lots of thick branches…”
She goes in search of a tree. After hours, she finds the perfect one. It is huge, the biggest one she has ever seen. Its branches are thick and look strong. It was the kind of tree that gave off lots of shade. “Here” she says, “But how will I get it up there?”
“You could throw it” the Voice said.
“I don’t think so, what if I miss?” She was getting discouraged.
“Here” says the Voice. As she watches, a ladder appears. It was tall and very sturdy looking. She smiles and starts climbing using only one hand, as the other one balances the globe on her shoulders. About halfway up, she becomes afraid of dropping it and freezes. “What if I fall and drop it?”
“You won’t, just keep going’, prompted the Voice. It keeps encouraging her as she climbs higher and higher. She finally reaches the top and selects the perfect spot to place her charge. She carefully puts it down and almost loses her balance as she stands up straight again. She is not used to the absence of pressure. She stretches out a bit and takes a deep breath. “Climb down now” says the Voice happily.
“No, I don’t want to climb. I want to fly” she says with tears in her eyes.
“Why don’t you jump?” the Voice says as a net appears below her, “I’ll catch you”.
She looks down. It is very far to fall.
“Do you want to say goodbye first?”
“No” she smiles, “I know the world will be safe now. And I am free. Free to pursue other things”. Slowly, she falls forward. Falling and falling, down and down and down, the wind rushing up against her. She falls straight into the net and bounces around for a little while. As she lays there, catching her breath, the Voice speaks again, “What are you going to do now?”
She gets up and stretches out again, enjoying the virtual weightlessness completely. “I guess I’ll do whatever I want…” Giggle giggle.
“And what is that?”
“I don’t know” she shrugs, “I guess I’ll find that out as I go along”. She starts running. On and on and on she runs - embracing the future, paying homage to the past and for the present? Who knows… Perhaps she will return one day, but for now, she is free and can be whoever she wants to be.