The Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me

On the way to the coast, the stupid bus broke down. Luckily this happened not far from the halfway stop and I could go for some real coffee while we waited for the replacement bus. The new bus had to be sent from Joburg and was 4 hours away. Yeah for real coffee! Before leaving for Ballito, I had an anxiety attack of sorts. I became convinced that I was going to die in a bus accident and never see anyone I loved ever again. Just when I started to drown in these somewhat irrational emotions, all my friends showed up and saved me from myself. Thanks guys! Thanks especially to Dandelion, who dropped everything and rushed over to my side when she heard I was upset.

Anyway, so while I was waiting for the bus (reading and drinking copious amounts of coffee), this dude came over to talk to me. He was very upset about the bus business and had obviously already had a few beers. I explained to him that it was better for them to delay us than us having an accident and that I was sure this was happening for a reason. He looked at me funny and asked how I could be so sure. I said (and realized it at that moment) that I had to believe it, otherwise my life had no meaning, that everything was connected and that there were no coincidences. He thanked me for being nice to him. Apparently no one had ever talked to him with so much respect before. I merely smiled and said that everyone deserves respect. Then he practically proposed marriage! I laughed it off, but he was quite adamant. He said that he is never going to find someone like me again and I said that he would be surprised at how many women like me there are. Again he insisted that I marry him and I said something along the lines of that men only want to possess women and that I have no desire to be possessed. I hope that didn’t sound too condescending, but he was starting to weird me out.
He did say that I had an inner-light; a warmth that was overwhelming to him. I must admit that this made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I was just happy to be alive and the thought that my life had meaning was a nice one. To think that just a few hours before, I was crying and being all irrational about this trip. I was not dead, but alive. And I was inspiring someone, making them feel better.
There is meaning to my life after all and I’ve realized that Life is what you make of it.

Ok, so much for part one of this story. Part two consists of something a little different. Everyone who knows me will be able to tell you that I drive myself crazy just out of pure enjoyment. Well, maybe not enjoyment, but generally it is the by-product of an under-stimulated mind. I’m not going to do that any more. And I’m not going to let others do that to me either. I really am not crazy. Just a little bored. I remain in control of my own mind. I am the Space-Monkey that has assumed command of this melon!
So, enter Mr. Taurus. There is nothing boring about Mr. Taurus. In fact, this handsome young male is in every way that I can see, absolutely beautiful. I really don’t know what to say about him, he’s probably going to laugh at me when he reads all about himself. What I can say is that I’ve known him for a while, though I don’t think I’ve ever really known him before. Not like this. Not that he’s a mysterious person by nature, just that there’s a lot there and it takes more than a moment to see it clearly. He is a Watcher and is Always Watching.
I’m so afraid of what he’ll see.
I don’t know what to call our little ‘romance’, it feels as if mere words are insufficient to describe it. Do I love him? Who knows what that is.. I love going to the beach with him, sharing all of that beauty with him. I love how on top of the world I feel, gazing out onto the horizon, knowing that he is right there, doing the same thing. I love when he takes my hand, I love when he kisses me. I love the way he smiles when he kisses me or when I kiss him. I’m kind of shy around him, but he is so cute about it, he makes me feel at ease with this amazing energy that he exudes. I love his smile and his hair. I love his head, it’s a good head. I love his eyes, I love his mouth, I love his laugh. I love his smell. I love how incredibly hot he is. I love his strength, which shines through in everything he does. I love his strong arms and I love when he takes me into them. I love that he understands what I’m saying, not a lot of people do. I love how he talks to people. I love that he loves my cat. I love how patient he is. I love how focused he is. I love getting wasted with him. Ok, I’m totally running away with this. The point I’m trying to make is that he is amazing. Sometimes I catch myself listening to songs and thinking of him. Then of course, I stop, because I’m being ridiculous. My inner-Sakura says NO! I’m leaving, right?

I’ve never considered geography a major factor between friends, but between lovers it is quite devastating. Suffice it to say that I live far away from him and therefore, cannot allow myself to even think along the lines of love, whatever that is.. Ever since I got here, it’s been like an emotional rollercoaster for me and I have changed my mind about this so many times. I have also re-drafted this entry several times. I don’t even know what is going on inside his head, I can only imagine that he … never mind, I’m not going to venture a guess. Every time I decide that it would be best to just leave it be, he shows up being so damn cute and irresistible. I’m so weak! When I got here with my infamous big mouth, I said something stupid like ‘I wouldn’t mind getting my heart broken, just to know what it feels like’. Yeah, I wasn’t serious! But of all of the stupid things I say, this is the one that the Universe responds to. The irony kills me! I dare not think along those lines though, because I’m leaving pretty soon and the last thing I need is to be in love with someone who lives far away. Not that I’m at all saying that this is love. I’m going to stop saying that now. I’m going to miss him so much. I wish this could go on, so that I would have time to show him who I really am. Right now, I’m just showing him the tip of the iceberg, because I don’t want to waste the little time we have with things like that. Which things?
I’m very much in-like. He’s very easy to fall for, because he is so amazing. I know he likes me too, of that much I’m pretty sure. He’s always stuck me as a decent guy who wouldn’t fake it with someone just for the sake of some fun. I’m sure he really wants to be there. Of course, the record shows me to be a very poor judge of character, since I am so very gullible. (I prefer Trusting).
Nevertheless, I would hate to be wrong about this one.
Frau Frau understands me. So does Jonathan Davis as well as the Foo Fighters.

It is complicated, as it always is. We’re never alone much, but when we are, I really enjoy him. I am having fun. I won’t say though, that whatever is going on is merely fun. For it to be that, I should not care about him like this at all. We come with a little bit of history.. I respect and revere him too much for it to mean absolutely nothing to me. I’m enjoying his company so much. What’s that song? ‘..and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you..’
The flip side is that I have my life to whip into shape and he is just starting a new life somewhere far away from me. I want both of us to be happy and whole - Not pining for something far away - that would only be a half-life. He is so strong in life and I have learnt a lot from him, though I’m sure he is unaware of it. You see, I’ve always been a Watcher too. And I’ve been watching him constantly. Maybe it’s because I’m reading Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, that the idea of being a watcher is such a powerful one to me. To watch and to learn and to understand the bigger picture: the nature of nature.
One of the most thrilling experiences is to be seen seeing; To be watched watching; To be observed observing. I feel naked, like there is nowhere I can hide. What do I represent, what do I do? What does he want from me, what does he expect? Who knows! What do I expect? Why can I not say these things to him? Maybe I’m a better writer than a speaker. Maybe I’m a weenie. Maybe I’m afraid of what he’ll say. Maybe I’m afraid of what he won’t say. Maybe I’m not afraid at all, just smart. When writing, I have time to reflect on what I am really feeling and to not drown in irrational initial reactions. I hate – no - detest fear and uncertainty.

Communication has always been hard for me face to face, because I never know what people expect from me. I don’t even know what I expect from myself. Maybe I do.. Maybe disappointing myself is the worst thing that could happen. If I disappoint myself, maybe I lose all the self-respect I have fought so hard to gain. My ivory-tower is fragile yet.. Anyway, I am drifting from the point. Or am I? Maybe I am truly nearing the point for the first time. People come in and out of your life and the only really consistent one is You yourself. We should all learn to appreciate the amazing people we meet and remember them when they are gone. Honoring their memory - so to speak..
Maybe I do love Mr. Taurus. Maybe I always have and that is why he is still allowed in my life. Maybe I am only noticing his true brilliance now. This romantic spirit of mine would love nothing more than the drama involved in being in love with someone I cannot have, but my new rational, grown-up side realizes that I am lucky to have had what I do and I can draw a lot of strength from that.
I’ve always believed that nothing is stronger than Love, whatever that is.