So, my week has been crazy. I met a guy this weekend who really sparked my imagination. I know what you're thinking... here we go again. I doubt that anything will come of it, though. I'm not exactly your average fairytale princess, am I? Oh, I'm not dissing myself, I'm just saying that things like the yukky-love crap never really works out for me. And I'm so sick of this subject. Spent last week quite miserably searching for something to distract me from the realisation that I don't feel anymore. That I don't engage anymore with this world. Blah! A couple of days later, I spent an hour crying my heart out in my Therapist's office about not being able to cry any more. What a nut-job!
Anyway, so I'm studying for the exams. Got a distinction for my visual communication study of feminism. Yeah! And I'm learning a lot about film history. Can't wait to see Citizen Kane! When I was much younger, this is embarrasing, I has the biggest Jones for Orson Welles. I used to dream about becomming Mrs. Welles....OK, moving on.
My flatmate and her new boyfriend are making me ill with their own special brand of yukky-love crap. I hope this one stays, he's kinda growing on me, eventhough I was suspicious of him in the beginning. When am I going to have a life? When will I stop living through the experiences of others!
I'm just being melodramatic, I really like my life and the semi-independent shell I've constructed around it. My heart is a virgin. It remains intact, even after many close-calls.
One day I hope to have graduated to a frame of reference that does not include wondering why I'm about to be 25 and still single. Lets hope its tomorrow.
Finally decided what to do after I finally finish studying... Drumroll please!
I'm going to go live in the U.K. Publishing is big there and I've always wanted to go. Besides, If I leave before January 2008, I will be gone for 2 years (more than enough time) and be back in time for January 2010. I have to be back in S.A. for 2010, its going to be super terrific!
Is that a great idea, or is that a great idea?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Where did all the birdies go?
Does anyone know the story about the Strilitzias?
As I remember it (and this should by no means be taken as reliable),
the Strilitzias were once birds.
The noisy, sqauwking kind. Now, I think what happened was that they pissed off this Magician and he turned them into flowers as punishment. Does anyone know how it goes?
Monday, May 15, 2006
Nice girl seeking nice boy. Really.
Things are going very slow at the moment. All I really have to do is to study for the exam in June, which is only in June, which is still almost half a month off. It has been brought to my attention that I am suspicious of every new person I meet. Especially men. Ok, so maybe I have a few trust issues, but after High school I was really disillusioned! My best friend was the most popular girl in school and I forever in her shadow. The Sidekick. Traumatic as that was for me, nothing could ever compare to the disappointment that I had with men. Those who weren’t trying to get to my best friend through me, dated me for a while and cheated on me with good friends of mine. That excludes the boys that told me whatever I wanted to hear just to get into my pants. Obviously, I’m better off without them, but do not for a second think that I have emerged unscathed from this experience. I mistrust people’s (especially men’s) intentions.
Ok, so I admit that I was never an innocent little angel and I do concede that maybe it was easier to get in my pants than say, 40% of other girls my age. (I made that figure up so don’t take me literally!) And I was also very naïve. Guess I still believed in the whole happily ever after, soul-mates hogwash. Fell way too quickly. I did have a lot of good times too, though! I was popular by association! Since High school, I have changed a lot. I like to think that I have grown into a person of some substance. I’ve had to learn that there are very few really nice people on this Earth. That’s why you should appreciate the ones that are such rare and amazing people. People just cannot be trusted too quickly. I never wanted to live in a world where you cannot trust anyone, so it makes me very sad. Do you know how many guys look my way, trying to catch my eye and I just look away? I just evade and avoid. No wonder I’m single! I’m not willing to give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt. I’m convinced that most guys are scumbags, and so are most of my friends. I’m afraid to be used, abused, lied to, misused, date raped, the list goes on!
Is there not something wrong here? Guys, please! Stop being such bastards! I realise that you are all confused as to your new position in society what with changing media portrayal of modern male sociologically determined conventions and everything, but give me a break! Just be decent! Don’t lie, cheat, use, abuse or go unwashed from one poor woman to the next. Don’t you know that women are mystical? Don’t you know that you are making yourself very hard to trust? Are there ANY decent guys left? That aren’t gay or already married? (Married guys who try to pick you up are gross). I can count the amount of really decent guys I know on one hand. Maybe there should be a website on which you can report a low-life scumbag, so that other women can be warned. We should have the same for men too, because there are plenty of evil women out there.
It was Mothers Day on Sunday. I would love to be a mother one day. A woman bears a child with all her might. That’s magical. As I said, I would love to have a child one day. Maybe two. My daughter will be just as insane as I am, as my Mother before me and my Grandmother before her. We come from a long line of consistently insane and domestically challenged women. It would be an honour to pass on these delightful genes. My daughter, who I will name Maya - after the ancient civilisation and the bee, will be raised with the knowledge that all men and women are created equal. I believe that gender roles are merely a consequence of social conditioning. I refer here to the writings of Margaret Mead. Young Maya will be overloaded with knowledge and positive moral values. I’m much more spiritual than religious, so I will teach and encourage her to be open-minded. I want my baby t take on the world. She will be my little vanity project. I wouldn’t mind having a son, either. I’ll raise him to be the perfect man. They say that there is a gene for open-mindedness. If this is true, don’t you think that it is our duty as progressive people to pass on our good genes to future generations? To not only ensure the survival, but also the progression of the human species, thus aiding evolution in taking a giant leap forward. Or something like that. You can tell that I’ve been thinking about this, can’t you? I would love to bring a life into this world. I would adopt too, since it is a wonderful thing to do for yourself and for someone else. If you have the right intentions, that is..
Of course, I won’t be ready to become a mother for at least another 7 years. I’m still a child myself and I need to be a grownup before I can subject someone else to me. Plus, even though I am planning on being 100% capable of raising a child by myself, it would be best if I had a consistent father-figure/sperm-donor/monkey for the kid. It would also help if said father-figure were my significant other. I’m rather traditional where things like that are concerned. I thought I was pregnant the other day, but it was only me being irrational again. There was really NO WAY I could’ve gotten a bun in the oven, really! I have a habit of suddenly believing something, convincing myself completely and running away with the idea. Can you see why I can’t procreate yet?
My mother is a wonderful woman. She’s kind, gentle, funny, naughty, fun, adventurous, caring, smart and capable. These are things that I want to be so badly for my children. A truly delightful person, who is wonderful to have a conversation with. Very evasive though, like me. My mom is also an unrelenting optimist. I must have gotten it from her. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the silver-lining, but my mom knows just where to look. I sometimes worry about her, stuck with my Dad and Brother, who are silly old Pessimists. That’s why I make an effort when I’m down there to do girly things with her, that I know they are not thinking about. At least they got her flowers this year.
Ok, so I admit that I was never an innocent little angel and I do concede that maybe it was easier to get in my pants than say, 40% of other girls my age. (I made that figure up so don’t take me literally!) And I was also very naïve. Guess I still believed in the whole happily ever after, soul-mates hogwash. Fell way too quickly. I did have a lot of good times too, though! I was popular by association! Since High school, I have changed a lot. I like to think that I have grown into a person of some substance. I’ve had to learn that there are very few really nice people on this Earth. That’s why you should appreciate the ones that are such rare and amazing people. People just cannot be trusted too quickly. I never wanted to live in a world where you cannot trust anyone, so it makes me very sad. Do you know how many guys look my way, trying to catch my eye and I just look away? I just evade and avoid. No wonder I’m single! I’m not willing to give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt. I’m convinced that most guys are scumbags, and so are most of my friends. I’m afraid to be used, abused, lied to, misused, date raped, the list goes on!
Is there not something wrong here? Guys, please! Stop being such bastards! I realise that you are all confused as to your new position in society what with changing media portrayal of modern male sociologically determined conventions and everything, but give me a break! Just be decent! Don’t lie, cheat, use, abuse or go unwashed from one poor woman to the next. Don’t you know that women are mystical? Don’t you know that you are making yourself very hard to trust? Are there ANY decent guys left? That aren’t gay or already married? (Married guys who try to pick you up are gross). I can count the amount of really decent guys I know on one hand. Maybe there should be a website on which you can report a low-life scumbag, so that other women can be warned. We should have the same for men too, because there are plenty of evil women out there.
It was Mothers Day on Sunday. I would love to be a mother one day. A woman bears a child with all her might. That’s magical. As I said, I would love to have a child one day. Maybe two. My daughter will be just as insane as I am, as my Mother before me and my Grandmother before her. We come from a long line of consistently insane and domestically challenged women. It would be an honour to pass on these delightful genes. My daughter, who I will name Maya - after the ancient civilisation and the bee, will be raised with the knowledge that all men and women are created equal. I believe that gender roles are merely a consequence of social conditioning. I refer here to the writings of Margaret Mead. Young Maya will be overloaded with knowledge and positive moral values. I’m much more spiritual than religious, so I will teach and encourage her to be open-minded. I want my baby t take on the world. She will be my little vanity project. I wouldn’t mind having a son, either. I’ll raise him to be the perfect man. They say that there is a gene for open-mindedness. If this is true, don’t you think that it is our duty as progressive people to pass on our good genes to future generations? To not only ensure the survival, but also the progression of the human species, thus aiding evolution in taking a giant leap forward. Or something like that. You can tell that I’ve been thinking about this, can’t you? I would love to bring a life into this world. I would adopt too, since it is a wonderful thing to do for yourself and for someone else. If you have the right intentions, that is..
Of course, I won’t be ready to become a mother for at least another 7 years. I’m still a child myself and I need to be a grownup before I can subject someone else to me. Plus, even though I am planning on being 100% capable of raising a child by myself, it would be best if I had a consistent father-figure/sperm-donor/monkey for the kid. It would also help if said father-figure were my significant other. I’m rather traditional where things like that are concerned. I thought I was pregnant the other day, but it was only me being irrational again. There was really NO WAY I could’ve gotten a bun in the oven, really! I have a habit of suddenly believing something, convincing myself completely and running away with the idea. Can you see why I can’t procreate yet?
My mother is a wonderful woman. She’s kind, gentle, funny, naughty, fun, adventurous, caring, smart and capable. These are things that I want to be so badly for my children. A truly delightful person, who is wonderful to have a conversation with. Very evasive though, like me. My mom is also an unrelenting optimist. I must have gotten it from her. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the silver-lining, but my mom knows just where to look. I sometimes worry about her, stuck with my Dad and Brother, who are silly old Pessimists. That’s why I make an effort when I’m down there to do girly things with her, that I know they are not thinking about. At least they got her flowers this year.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Viva La France!
So I've really done it this time. I have a very good friend who has a really hot younger brother. Now, when I say younger, I mean maybe 20 or 21. I'm on the verge of being 25 myself. yikes. So, hot young thing whom I shall refer to as JR is a (very) tall, dark and handsome young french boy. Yum. He's been flirting with me mercilessly for months now and in my somewhat fragile mental state, I felt it best to ignore said attention. Besides, I'm no cradle-snatcher. Anyhoo, he really was just asking for it. Now, as I believe I've said, I abstained. One day, I run into young JR in town and he invites himself over to my flat for tea. We have tea. He flirts with me. I enjoy the attention but laugh everything off. Then (and I'm really not going to explain how this came to be, use your imagination) we end up wresteling. (Don't look at me like that.) He's so much stronger than me. and so much taller. I'm 1.73. I'm sure he must be at least 1.9. Sigh. 
Anyway, so I can see what he wants. It is written all over his face. I heard somewhere (I forget where) that younger guys are very eager to please... Compromising position. Strong hands and arms. Oh, that mouth. Such a smart, clever, charming boy. Geez, those eyes, staring at me so expectantly.. No! I must not. Don't touch... NoNoNo! I really need some affection though. No, don't go there!!! 
I considered every angle and the only possible conclusion was to stop before it got out of hand. He smells so good. Like soap and sandlewood. What is that cologne that I detect, rising up from his adorable self. NONONO! Ah, screw it. Yup, you guessed it. after carefully considering it, I decided that I really have nothing to loose and it was now or never. I pounced. He kisses like a deamon. I'm so sorry I waited. He's so strong.. And then Jansie, my flatmate walks in on us. I walk him out and grab him in the lift again. So tall!
I'm most likely going to do it again, but it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, and I certainly don't want a toy boy. Even if he does speak french at me the whole time. Maybe I need to think about this. Maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't waste any energy worrying about it. Perhaps nothing will come of it...
Anyway, so I can see what he wants. It is written all over his face. I heard somewhere (I forget where) that younger guys are very eager to please... Compromising position. Strong hands and arms. Oh, that mouth. Such a smart, clever, charming boy. Geez, those eyes, staring at me so expectantly.. No! I must not. Don't touch... NoNoNo! I really need some affection though. No, don't go there!!! 
I considered every angle and the only possible conclusion was to stop before it got out of hand. He smells so good. Like soap and sandlewood. What is that cologne that I detect, rising up from his adorable self. NONONO! Ah, screw it. Yup, you guessed it. after carefully considering it, I decided that I really have nothing to loose and it was now or never. I pounced. He kisses like a deamon. I'm so sorry I waited. He's so strong.. And then Jansie, my flatmate walks in on us. I walk him out and grab him in the lift again. So tall!
I'm most likely going to do it again, but it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, and I certainly don't want a toy boy. Even if he does speak french at me the whole time. Maybe I need to think about this. Maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't waste any energy worrying about it. Perhaps nothing will come of it...
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