ROAR! said the Lion.

Today I am 25. Actually, when I say today, I mean this day on the 23rd of July. I don’t know when I’m going to get to post anything. Don’t have money for the Internet café. So what else is new? What a strange day. This weekend started off so badly. I organised a party on Friday - very badly! Everything went wrong from step one to step umm, well, the last one. Then of course, I hear that my old friend Mercury is in retrograde and we all know how that turned out the last time. Personally, I think Mercury is jealous of me somehow… Well, so when we arrived at the party, we were two hours late, the venue had been double booked, half of the people had already left and the few who remained only stayed long enough for me to chat with shortly and then left. I didn’t even have enough time to really talk to anyone. It feels like I collected presents and exchanged pleasantries and then had to move on to the next person, because everyone was demanding my attention. Then of course, Mr. Taurus is there and I almost have heart failure, because I’m so glad to see him, come especially for the party, so sweet. I know he wasn’t there just for me, but I would be lying if I said that when he’s in the room, I am not affected at all. In fact, I was too affected for my own good. I guess I’ll always think of him in terms of the future, when all things that seem impossible now, have a real chance of happening then. To the future! Anyway, it gets worse. My boyfriend, who was supposed to work and couldn’t come to the party, shows up to surprise me. Now, this handsome young Cancerion came into the picture just a few days before, when on his birthday, we went on a date and just ended up dating. He’s so wonderful and I want him to be very happy. He seems to think that I’m a goddess, so I’m just going to go with it and hope that he doesn’t wake up from that fantasy too soon. No one has ever wanted to date me. Most guys are just interested in sex or want me to read their mind to know how they are feeling. This man actually wants to spend time with me because he loves my mind and wants to just be with me. I AM SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS NEW SENSATION OF BEING NEEDED AND WANTED and let’s face it. It’s realistic because he’s willing and able to commit to me. He’s trying to slay the dragon! So, here is Mr Dragon slayer and Mr. Taurus at one party. I feel like I’ve betrayed Mr Taurus, even though I don’t owe him any allegiance more that friendship. I feel like I’m misleading Mr Dragon slayer, which I really was not. Maybe I was just so overwhelmed. The party was a train crash. I was on an emotional rollercoaster one minute and flat lining the next. I don’t know what I expected. Luckily, my friends were there, and I m so grateful to them for being in my life and not running away kicking and screaming from the crazy lady. Probably shouldn’t have gotten wasted to try and cope either. That might just have made it all worse. I had lots of fun in the end. And I was so glad it was over. And I was just freaking out way too much. Like, I thought I would be able to handle little things like this. Maybe before I turned 25 I just had to be irredeemably incapable for the last time. Thanks Mercury you cold hearted son of a bi-atch! So, today is my birthday and my boyfriend still hasn’t dumped me for being insane and indecisive. Maybe he likes his women crazy, I don’t know. I’m going to stop being a commitment phobe now. For this year, my wish is that I will be happy and successful and that I will be able to make my amazing friends and family very happy. I wish to discover new things about myself and the world and to live the inspiration. I have had wonderful examples and influences from the people I will just call my Royal advisors. As I am about to embark on a whole new chapter, I look back fondly, hoping that it was all worth it to get here and that I will never stop learning about and loving being alive. And never again will I be organising any parties, especially not for myself.
So, right now it is the day after my birthday and I must say that all things considered, it was wonderful. My new boyfriend treated me to wine, salad and bought me a present, which he was not supposed to do, since we had only been together for 4 days. He’s so incredibly sweet and I’m going to do my best not to screw it up with him. Also, I believe it is important to hold on to my individuality, because you cannot possess someone and you can definitely not allow anyone to possess you. I think I’m going to be fine. I’m an adult now and know a lot better. Tune in next time for some more developments!

Another day another dollar...

Ok, so the weeks been interesting, to say the least. I have found that at this moment in time, I am just super, thanx for asking! I'm extatic, really. I might be inlove, I might not, I'm in anticipation, I'm trying not to be, I'm being intellectually challenged in a way that I feel so incredibly intrigued by (have to write reviews for a theatrical festival, YEAH!), there's mystery in my life, there's excitement, there's new possibilities, there's uncertainties, YEAH!
I feel great, and to think, I've only got a few days before I'm 25 and I actually am happy. Yes, ME! I'm happy to be me and that is something I had to grow into. I suppose its the same as growing into a pair of shoes when you're 9.

Anyway, I'm about to be a quarter of a century old, and I feel FABULOUS! At peace, comfortable in my own body and in my headspace. I love me. Or maybe that's just the wine talking. You know, this life has so many possibilities and so many amazing people to share it with. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside................................................
I love my friends. You know who you are. Kindred Spirits. There are so few, but they are so wonderful if you can find them.

What a life.

I mean, I don't think anyone has so many issues and insecurities as I do. I just wish I could get over myself sometimes, and not wallow so much in self-pity. It's pathetic, really. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. There is so much of life that I still want to see, so many people that I still want to meet. Sometimes I feel as though my friends fail to see how scared I am and how much reassurance I need. Then, I snap back to reality and realise that I shouldn't be relying on other people's assurances.
I suppose its because I am an incredibly self-absorbed and vain drama Queen. Maby I'm being too hard on myself. Nobody asks me how I really am anymore. It's not that they don't care, I just don't think they are really interested. Maybe I just miss my Therapist, who used to listen to me go on like this for hours...
Somethimes I even get jealous of some of my friends. What a terrible thing to be envious of those you love! Am I making a mountain of a molehill? Has the Queen finally flipped her lid? Well, I think its just the stress of almost turning 25. On the 23rd of July. The countdown has officially begun and I'm getting a little nervous. I'm not about to go into another self-doubt session, I know that I'm going to be fine. It just helps to know that people love spending time with me, that I too have something to offer in the way of excitement! Am I boring? It's true that I have retreated a bit into myself in the last couple of months. Do people find it tiring to be with me? Don't they know that I just need some encouragement? Don't they want me to stay? I'm always leaving. Maybe someone should give me a reason to stay! Umm, ok, I think I've gone far enough. I like myself very much! I guess it would be nice if people showed me that they like me too, instead of .. well.. oh never mind! I have lost it after all.
At least I'm throwing the biggest birthday bash ever! I intend to go into maturity with a bang that will make the Earth resonate for months to come!

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Are you only half alive or have you always been this inarticulate?
I think that was Jewel.

I have to remember that I am a grown up now and that I am no longer allowed to pine over someone who it would only frustrate me to try and understand. I cannot read minds. If you do not tell me things, I cannot know them I am one. I am me. No one owns me. I am my own. If you want me, get in line and come and try to get me. Trust me, Im worth it. I love frequently and completely. I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe I will awaken from this dream and find myself alone and happily so, complete as I am now, and strong, and always willing to love. (Note that love does not necessarily imply sex). Those who have known the most love will appreciate it more than those who were afraid of it and never tried it. As of now, you can no longer hurt me. I am untouchable. I will allow you to try to win my heart, but never forget that I will always have the final say. Its my heart after all.

Todays song: Whats it called? Shes been everybody elses girl, maybe one day she will be her own, Tori Amos, the goddess.
I want to take this opportunity to give a shout out to my bestest buddy Marilu, who is leaving us for the beautiful East, in order to roam like a gypsy through the world, encountering places and people and experiencing life as a being that is fully conscious of all of its beauty. Born on Friday the 13th, this tall waif-like creature has left a deep impression on everyone who has ever known her and made herself absolutely unforgettable. Marymoo, you are the Fire Maya, you are the Metro-maia, the Mwayi-Ree-Lu, you are phenomenal. I love you so much.

I want to dedicate a song to you, but which one? There have been so many since Ive known you. Lets see … Moloko, it has to be Moloko. All of it. I can never listen to any of those CDs again without my thoughts instantly turning to you. Sayonara!