Whats that smell?

Someone said to me the other day that you know that spring is coming when you can smell Jasmin all over.

This morning I was walking to Varsity down my favourite street - long and relatively quiet, lined with the most beautiful trees. Arcadia street. I could feel Spring in the air,
no, I could smell it, thanks to the Jasmin. full of promise. My sister Tish said that I smell of the Ocean, Pearls and Jasmin. I love that. I love you Tishi!My life is very complicated right now, I have so many Varsity things to do, the Play and a very complicated love-life, that I'm sure I would be much better without. Its somehow much simpler if you're single. And I am now, its just a matter of staying that way. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it. As long as I can still look myself in the eyes, I guess its all fine -- right?
I don't want to be Estella. I want to be Emma, or Elizabeth Bennet. Happy Spring to all Africans (don't venture out without a scarf just yet, Ernest Hemmingway warned us about hte false spring. That's when nature lulls you into a false sense of security, just so that she could take one last stab at our bodies with her ice cold finger.) and to all others, I can just imagine how it must suck to be you right now, missing out on this glorious African weather.

Like Estella?

Eleanor Roosevelt said that ‘Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product’. That was what it said on the sugar-packet that came with my morning Café Mocha. I just love Huletts sugar-packet wisdom! My weekend was quite hectic. My story begins on Thursday – no wait! It goes back further than that!
Mr. Cancer and I had not been going out for long, when he first called me a Fence-sitter. (one who has not yet chosen between God or the Devil). I really resented that, because the only reason he said this, was because I am interested in a variety of different things, from Tao-ism to Astrology. He said that I had obviously not made my choice yet and that ‘sitting on the fence’ was just as bad as choosing the Devil.

Thus condemned to Hell by my so-called beloved, I let it go, because he says random stupid things all the time. I did however, vow that if he ever says anything like that again, he was getting a piece of my mind! On Thursday night, we went to watch the Johannesburg Philharmonic Orchestra perform. It was a magical evening! There was a Cello concerto that brought tears to my eyes! Afterwards, we went home and he and I were cuddling on the couch, chatting away, when he brought up religion again. Then he said those fateful words: ‘and then there are Fence-sitters, like you…’ I didn’t let him finish. I erupted and said something like ‘if you ever say that to me again, I will NEVER speak to you again! At this he flipped his lid and left. I was furious and we had a heated SMS debate about it. He did call later to find out if I was ok, which was sweet. We agreed to meet on Saturday after my rehearsal to talk.
Friday I went to a party and all my friends told me to break up with him. I felt like I should give him a chance still. Saturday arrived and after my rehearsal, he came over.

(Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett @ The Lier theatre on campus @ the University of Pretoria, 31st Aug – 3rd Sept. Tickets are R35 and are selling like hotcake. For presales, contact Maria Prozesky at the English department. I would also give you her number, but my phone is broken. If anyone wishes to contact me, I can still receive calls, but that’s it).

I looked at his ill-humoured, sulky expression once and said that we both knew this wasn’t’ going to work. So I broke up with him and he definitely doesn’t want to be friends. I just can’t be with someone that narrow-minded and intolerant and judgemental! I think I really hurt him.. Oh Boo-hoo. Yep, I’m single again! I felt like a real cad, though. Afterwards, I went to the Propaganda party I had promised to go to and bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He’s an Aquarius. Mmmm. Don’t think anything will come of it though.. a fling is just a fling after all. Besides, I like being single and free much more.

In the end, I guess I realised how happy I was with my life after all. I really have nothing to complain about, as long as I keep listening to both my head and my heart. They can fight it out. I will agonise no longer! I’ve been desperately searching for happiness, but it’s been right in front of me the whole time! Life is always going to happen. Appreciate yourself and you will just be happy automatically! Watch this space…

Where's the fire!?!

Since I’ve always tended a little bit towards depression, I don’t usually pay any (real) attention to conclusions arrived at while in such a state. I realised long ago that these moods come and go and it is up to me to change the way I handle these situations. After all, we all have the ability to determine how we are going to let something affect us. I realise that we react to stimuli in a specific way because we are used to doing it like we do. I have the power over my own perceptions and no one else! No amount of cultural conditioning can keep me from doing what I feel in my heart in right. Your mind can be warped if you let it and your heart is never unaffected by its situation, but I believe that in listening to both and agonising over something always produces the best resolutions.

Here's me, taking pictures of myself in bed, cause I am incredibly vain.

That said, let me now proceed to complaining about my life once more.. I’ve realised that this relationship I’m in cannot really go anywhere. Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy and anyone looking for a safe, dependable, sweet and sensitive Cancerion would love to have him. I haven’t quite decided what to do, I’m still at the aforementioned agonising stage and I don’t want to make rash decisions. He’s just not lighting my fire – so to speak. This Leo wants passion and excitement. His Cancerion rain is putting out my Leo fire and I can’t have that. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him in any other way than superficially and that wears thin. I don’t need a good candidate for a husband and father. I need someone who I look forward to seeing, someone who I can’t get enough of. He is really handsome and charming, but there is very little chemistry.

Then there’s the fact that we have each bought into different ideologies. We already have 3 unmentionable subjects between us: Politics, Religion and the French Foreign Legion. (No comment on the latter.) The point is that I have to think about myself and my happiness and I don’t think that he is contributing at all to it. I have considered that I might be acting very irrationally at the moment and do not wish to make a hasty decision, but I think that if, by the end of August things have not improved, I should break up with him. For both our sakes. Especially mine.

Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion, the romance, the excitement? I don’t think that Cancerion and Leo is a very good combination anyway. Besides, how can I be with one person while I am still dreaming of another every night? I don’t entertain any more childish notions that Mr. Taurus and I can ever be together. I think I’ve screwed that one up beyond repair. Pity. For the moment my fantasy land is trying to get me to acknowledge that the current situation is not working, regardless what my wishes are. As I am writing this, I am completely at peace and am thinking quite rationally. Perhaps I’ve made some sort of a breakthrough?

Now that I have committed myself to at least giving him until the end of August, I have also realised that I have to meet him halfway. Give him a fair chance. Therefore, from now on I will make an effort with him, if only till the end of the month. I have already had a really nice lunch with him and his family and things do seem to be improving slightly. I must not forget that, because I don’t see him all that often, it can be rather difficult to have a relationship under these conditions. So great, a nice day. Big Deal! Only time will tell whether or not this is going to work. What a hassle. I guess no one ever said it was going to be easy!

Here is a picture of the view off of my balcony. Look at my sunset!

A new beginning.

Sawabona!

Well, now that my Marilu is safely in Japan, I can go on with my life in sunny old South Africa. Someone should tell the sun, though, because it seems to have taken a vacation. Probably wise to get away too, since the flippin third world war is on our doorstep!

On a lighter note, my life is just peachy right now. I have no money, no job, no working cell phone and no car, but I do have a great new place to live and am dileriously happy. My new relationship is also going well. I'm taking it very very slowly. So right now, I'm just living my life the way I want to and enjoying every second of my new found freedom. Have also discovered that I have a lot of power over men. Don't worry, I won't be using it for evil. I'm not a man, I don't need to abuse power to feel alive!
I have no idea where that came from.
DOWN WITH PATRIARCHY!!!
Nor do I have any intention of defending that one...

Umm, ok. I guess I will be back when I have something of interest to say. And since I'm addicted to the internet, it won't be long until I grace you all with my magnificent presence once again. Fear not!

Ciao!