Where's the fire!?!

Since I’ve always tended a little bit towards depression, I don’t usually pay any (real) attention to conclusions arrived at while in such a state. I realised long ago that these moods come and go and it is up to me to change the way I handle these situations. After all, we all have the ability to determine how we are going to let something affect us. I realise that we react to stimuli in a specific way because we are used to doing it like we do. I have the power over my own perceptions and no one else! No amount of cultural conditioning can keep me from doing what I feel in my heart in right. Your mind can be warped if you let it and your heart is never unaffected by its situation, but I believe that in listening to both and agonising over something always produces the best resolutions.

Here's me, taking pictures of myself in bed, cause I am incredibly vain.

That said, let me now proceed to complaining about my life once more.. I’ve realised that this relationship I’m in cannot really go anywhere. Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy and anyone looking for a safe, dependable, sweet and sensitive Cancerion would love to have him. I haven’t quite decided what to do, I’m still at the aforementioned agonising stage and I don’t want to make rash decisions. He’s just not lighting my fire – so to speak. This Leo wants passion and excitement. His Cancerion rain is putting out my Leo fire and I can’t have that. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him in any other way than superficially and that wears thin. I don’t need a good candidate for a husband and father. I need someone who I look forward to seeing, someone who I can’t get enough of. He is really handsome and charming, but there is very little chemistry.

Then there’s the fact that we have each bought into different ideologies. We already have 3 unmentionable subjects between us: Politics, Religion and the French Foreign Legion. (No comment on the latter.) The point is that I have to think about myself and my happiness and I don’t think that he is contributing at all to it. I have considered that I might be acting very irrationally at the moment and do not wish to make a hasty decision, but I think that if, by the end of August things have not improved, I should break up with him. For both our sakes. Especially mine.

Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion, the romance, the excitement? I don’t think that Cancerion and Leo is a very good combination anyway. Besides, how can I be with one person while I am still dreaming of another every night? I don’t entertain any more childish notions that Mr. Taurus and I can ever be together. I think I’ve screwed that one up beyond repair. Pity. For the moment my fantasy land is trying to get me to acknowledge that the current situation is not working, regardless what my wishes are. As I am writing this, I am completely at peace and am thinking quite rationally. Perhaps I’ve made some sort of a breakthrough?

Now that I have committed myself to at least giving him until the end of August, I have also realised that I have to meet him halfway. Give him a fair chance. Therefore, from now on I will make an effort with him, if only till the end of the month. I have already had a really nice lunch with him and his family and things do seem to be improving slightly. I must not forget that, because I don’t see him all that often, it can be rather difficult to have a relationship under these conditions. So great, a nice day. Big Deal! Only time will tell whether or not this is going to work. What a hassle. I guess no one ever said it was going to be easy!

Here is a picture of the view off of my balcony. Look at my sunset!