Well, the ratings are down and I can't really say that I blame my readers. Who wants to read about me ranting and raving away? Let's face it: I only ever talk about myself and never have anything remotely interesting to say. My life is about as interesting and authentic as the cellphone tower disguised as a large tree outside my office window.. not very much at all. The only interesting thing about me is my friends and they are bound to get tired of me sooner or later. All day long I think of very interesting things to write about, but when I actually sit in front of the keyboard, I go as blank and empty as my inbox: lots of spam, but not a lot else really. And listen to me going on and on about how boring and useless I am, STILL not getting to why I am going on like this in the first place!
I have once again decided to turn over a new silicone leaf. It seems like only yesterday when I promised to move on, to get over myself and entertain all of you with the enchanting musings of a wanton word godess who makes time every day to update everyone on her fabulous existance and to enrich your lives. OK, maybe I'm aiming too high.
Maybe its just that time of year, when everybody just gets sick to death of themselves and wishes they were more interesting. No? Just me then? Oh well, there goes that idea..
I suppose I'd better get on with it before I lose even the most loyal of fans, whose judgement (BTW) I am beginning to question. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? HUH?!?!
Perhaps its time for medication.
How did I get this self-absorbed?
Did it happen because of Highschool? I didn't get enough attention or indulgence there.. Maybe I'm just an attention junky with an insatiable appetite for the notice, approval and adoration of others. Pathetic.
You know what's funny? I'm still talking about myself! ME ME ME ME ME!
I've worked very hard to shut the world out, yet ironically enough, I'm still at the centre of everything (oi the Vanity).
I'm trying to hide away like the hermit my tarot cards said I was many years ago, but then I bitch and complain about not being noticed?
Then again, its hard NOT to notice me. I'm loud, bitchy, large and demand to be in charge. The only thing bigger than my ego is my gynormous ass!
And of course, not having anything more interesting to say, I resort to diggin into myself and still wonder why I have such low self-esteem. The reason is quite simply because somehow, I think that the approval of others matter more than my own. Eventhough I know better. Would I have made different choices if I weren't so obsessed with making everyone like me? Would I have been an entirely different person? Would my favourite subject be anything other than myself? What would make the difference? What would happen if for once, someone shook me by the shoulders and said: SNAP OUT OF IT! SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU, HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNGRATEFUL!? What the hell is love anyway? How can anyone love me if I go on like this? And why sould it matter? These demons inside my head won't stop. I guess I'm just lonely. Or starved for some real notice: Someone taking the time and going to the effort to make me open up, to make me blossom. But that is no ones' responsibility but my own. Can you say Drama Queen? How the hell did I get like this? PLEASE ANSWER ME!!!!
An emotional masochist trying desperately to break the habit.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Finding Nemo
No, I don't mean the little fishy. I mean the song by Nightwish.
When I was on the beach end of November, I got trashed and had an amazing experience, were I was looking at the waves crashing beneath me on the rocks, conversing with my celestial other - The Ocean - and everything just sort of fell into place. By everything, I mean life, the Universe, and everything else that I was struggling with. It kind out played out before my hallucinating eyes and this song was the one that happened to be the soundtrack in my head at the time. As the song ended, so did the montage and with the dying notes resonating in my head, I reached a plateau of universal understanding which I can't quite recall right now, but I know it happened and it was good. I think I finally understand. It's all going to work out just as I imagined it at that moment.. My life, my love, my death, after that. It's going to be quite a ride!
Anyhoo, here's the song.
When I was on the beach end of November, I got trashed and had an amazing experience, were I was looking at the waves crashing beneath me on the rocks, conversing with my celestial other - The Ocean - and everything just sort of fell into place. By everything, I mean life, the Universe, and everything else that I was struggling with. It kind out played out before my hallucinating eyes and this song was the one that happened to be the soundtrack in my head at the time. As the song ended, so did the montage and with the dying notes resonating in my head, I reached a plateau of universal understanding which I can't quite recall right now, but I know it happened and it was good. I think I finally understand. It's all going to work out just as I imagined it at that moment.. My life, my love, my death, after that. It's going to be quite a ride!
Anyhoo, here's the song.
Nemo - by Nightwish.
This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as a compass
This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything
My flower
Withered between
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins
Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name for evermore
Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name for evermore
Nemo my name for evermore
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
FUD
I've had it with men.
I might have mentioned a certain individual I like to call Freaky Underwear Dude before. He is this old fat guy who always smokes a cigarette in his underwear at night, watching us very intently though our window. Well, my story starts on Friday night, when my flatmate and I arrived home after a Christmas party. My neighbor comes up to us and tell us a horrifying tale, in which she caught FUD coming out of our flat, locking the door behind him, noticing her and running away like someone who know he has just been busted. Apparently he had family who had lived in our flat before and that was how he came to possess a key to our flat. He had clearly let himself in for whatever reason, probably sniffing my underwear or something dodgy. I remembered that I had once come around the corner towards my door and saw him running in the opposite direction. I thought he was just shy and was trying to avoid me. Since he was only wearing underwear at the time, I was glad for his choice, but now I think I might have almost caught him going into our flat. My flatmate also told me of a night when she woke up as some one was entering her room and when they saw her, they closed the door quickly and left. She thought it was me, looking for something, but I explained that I had not been home. We figured that she had probably just dreamed it, but now I think that he must have thought that no one was home and just let himself in!
What if he watches us while we sleep? What if he did sniff my underwear? What if he is dangerous? We've noticed as well that two knives had gone missing since we moved in. Now, this could be entirely unrelated, but our kitchen in spotless and everything is in its place. I have no idea where those knives went and we have never seen them again. I am however willing to bet that if we went through his stuff, we would find them. I've never believed in co-incidences. I've even convinced myself that I was losing it, because sometimes I would come home and would feel a presence there that didn't belong there. Then I would go through the house just to convince myself that I am alone.
So anyway, the locks have been changed and I told the Trustees about it. I doubt they are going to do anything, though. At least he can't get in anymore...
Then, on Saturday we go to this party on a meat farm. Now what, you are probably asking yourself, is she doing on a meat farm?
Well, it wasn't my idea, but I decided to be open-minded. And you can probably guess how much I freaked out after a while of telling myself that it's going to be ok. I was surrounded by semi-naked jocks who had no respect for women, ate meat and drank the whole time, so much so that a friend of mine got attacked. There were one or two nice guys there, but on the whole, it was a nightmare. I'm so glad that we escaped relatively unscathed and that I had friends there. It might have ended badly. Also. I've got a big mouth and was very outspoken about my views.. I could have gotten into really big trouble. Why is EVERYTHING about sex with men? Can't you just have a normal conversation with them without them objectifying you blatantly?
Maybe I should become a lesbian. I know that there are some really good guys out there, but they are mostly unavailable, gay or emotionally unavailable. Is there any hope for our society when its male members a degrading like this? Has it always been like this? Is testosterone too dangerous to allow its existence any longer?
I might have mentioned a certain individual I like to call Freaky Underwear Dude before. He is this old fat guy who always smokes a cigarette in his underwear at night, watching us very intently though our window. Well, my story starts on Friday night, when my flatmate and I arrived home after a Christmas party. My neighbor comes up to us and tell us a horrifying tale, in which she caught FUD coming out of our flat, locking the door behind him, noticing her and running away like someone who know he has just been busted. Apparently he had family who had lived in our flat before and that was how he came to possess a key to our flat. He had clearly let himself in for whatever reason, probably sniffing my underwear or something dodgy. I remembered that I had once come around the corner towards my door and saw him running in the opposite direction. I thought he was just shy and was trying to avoid me. Since he was only wearing underwear at the time, I was glad for his choice, but now I think I might have almost caught him going into our flat. My flatmate also told me of a night when she woke up as some one was entering her room and when they saw her, they closed the door quickly and left. She thought it was me, looking for something, but I explained that I had not been home. We figured that she had probably just dreamed it, but now I think that he must have thought that no one was home and just let himself in!
What if he watches us while we sleep? What if he did sniff my underwear? What if he is dangerous? We've noticed as well that two knives had gone missing since we moved in. Now, this could be entirely unrelated, but our kitchen in spotless and everything is in its place. I have no idea where those knives went and we have never seen them again. I am however willing to bet that if we went through his stuff, we would find them. I've never believed in co-incidences. I've even convinced myself that I was losing it, because sometimes I would come home and would feel a presence there that didn't belong there. Then I would go through the house just to convince myself that I am alone.So anyway, the locks have been changed and I told the Trustees about it. I doubt they are going to do anything, though. At least he can't get in anymore...
Then, on Saturday we go to this party on a meat farm. Now what, you are probably asking yourself, is she doing on a meat farm?
Well, it wasn't my idea, but I decided to be open-minded. And you can probably guess how much I freaked out after a while of telling myself that it's going to be ok. I was surrounded by semi-naked jocks who had no respect for women, ate meat and drank the whole time, so much so that a friend of mine got attacked. There were one or two nice guys there, but on the whole, it was a nightmare. I'm so glad that we escaped relatively unscathed and that I had friends there. It might have ended badly. Also. I've got a big mouth and was very outspoken about my views.. I could have gotten into really big trouble. Why is EVERYTHING about sex with men? Can't you just have a normal conversation with them without them objectifying you blatantly?
Maybe I should become a lesbian. I know that there are some really good guys out there, but they are mostly unavailable, gay or emotionally unavailable. Is there any hope for our society when its male members a degrading like this? Has it always been like this? Is testosterone too dangerous to allow its existence any longer?
Monday, December 04, 2006
On the job.
I have the best colleauge in the whole wide world. She makes me lots of coffee and even gave me a neck-rub when I really needed one. She's also very nice to chat to and is very very clever. The others are nice to, but they are the bosses and can't get up to mischief with them. Too much. I like working here, cause I get to play on the internet while pretending to work. When I occasionally do do some work, I glide through it so easily that I don't even feel that it cuts into my precious internet time. Ah Bliss!
The happy hippie song.
I wrote the following when I was doing the Happy Hippie thing, so just keep that in mind.
It’s raining outside. An electrical storm – my favourite. It’s late and dark. I feel completely awake, even though I haven’t slept. I can’t sleep. The planet in pulsating and vibrating all around me. I look into the windows of buildings in front of me, watching people as they go about their business and draw their curtains, closing their windows to shut the raging storm out. I am standing partially in the rain, probably catching pneumonia. I’ve got to work tomorrow. It’s strange how this job thing just sort of fell into my lap. All nice and pretty with a bow and shiny wrapping paper.
The Universe just made it happen when the time was right for it to be so. Like many things I suppose. Life just happens when people are ready for it to happen, there is no sense in trying to rush things. You can’t force the Universe to take action, the timing has to be right.
Timing is everything. My free time has suddenly become very valuable, so I find myself incapable of wasting it. I suppose the danger of becoming even more impatient is there, but not if I take a few counter measures. Like Yoga and learning to meditate, so that I can be relaxed, calm and focussed. It would also boost the energy levels significantly. I have a lot less sleepy-time than I used to…
No, I have to focus on my career and quit screwing around. I have to spend my time wisely in order to avoid a frantic meltdown situation.
Now that the next stage of my development can commence, I am confident that there will be a lot to learn about myself and the world in general. Adventure awaits those who are not afraid to seize the opportunity, embracing the future with valour and enthusiasm. Or something like that…
What am I saying? I sound just like the ree-encarnated hippie that my little brother accuses me of being. But I’m proud of it. Saving the world a little bit at a time.
‘And I –eeh-hi- had a feeling that I belonged, I-eeh-hi- had a feeling that I could Be someone…
The storm is calming down now, its just a light drizzle. There is nothing like a South African storm.
‘I’m crazy like a fool…what about Daddy Cool!’
A developing being (raving lunatic) experiencing herself – it’s gonna be quite a ride. Especially if I keep spewing nonsense like this all day long. I’ve got to fake my way into being taken seriously. I have to think grown-up thoughts…
Maybe I’m a different breed of grown-up, though. Maybe I could teach them all something - something that I know that they don’t. It’s marvellous idea. I get to discover a whole new world and a whole new me. One who is in control of her Universe, an Architect of her own reality. And I promise, no more trouble with the law…
It’s raining outside. An electrical storm – my favourite. It’s late and dark. I feel completely awake, even though I haven’t slept. I can’t sleep. The planet in pulsating and vibrating all around me. I look into the windows of buildings in front of me, watching people as they go about their business and draw their curtains, closing their windows to shut the raging storm out. I am standing partially in the rain, probably catching pneumonia. I’ve got to work tomorrow. It’s strange how this job thing just sort of fell into my lap. All nice and pretty with a bow and shiny wrapping paper.
The Universe just made it happen when the time was right for it to be so. Like many things I suppose. Life just happens when people are ready for it to happen, there is no sense in trying to rush things. You can’t force the Universe to take action, the timing has to be right.
Timing is everything. My free time has suddenly become very valuable, so I find myself incapable of wasting it. I suppose the danger of becoming even more impatient is there, but not if I take a few counter measures. Like Yoga and learning to meditate, so that I can be relaxed, calm and focussed. It would also boost the energy levels significantly. I have a lot less sleepy-time than I used to…
No, I have to focus on my career and quit screwing around. I have to spend my time wisely in order to avoid a frantic meltdown situation.
Now that the next stage of my development can commence, I am confident that there will be a lot to learn about myself and the world in general. Adventure awaits those who are not afraid to seize the opportunity, embracing the future with valour and enthusiasm. Or something like that…
What am I saying? I sound just like the ree-encarnated hippie that my little brother accuses me of being. But I’m proud of it. Saving the world a little bit at a time.
‘And I –eeh-hi- had a feeling that I belonged, I-eeh-hi- had a feeling that I could Be someone…
The storm is calming down now, its just a light drizzle. There is nothing like a South African storm.
‘I’m crazy like a fool…what about Daddy Cool!’
A developing being (raving lunatic) experiencing herself – it’s gonna be quite a ride. Especially if I keep spewing nonsense like this all day long. I’ve got to fake my way into being taken seriously. I have to think grown-up thoughts…
Maybe I’m a different breed of grown-up, though. Maybe I could teach them all something - something that I know that they don’t. It’s marvellous idea. I get to discover a whole new world and a whole new me. One who is in control of her Universe, an Architect of her own reality. And I promise, no more trouble with the law…
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