Some more crazy talk and coincidences

Last night I went out on a kind of date with someone. It was very uninteresting actually. I met this guy while tripping on acid and he eventually got around to call me, like he said he would. Its funny how guys just Get to it eventually. Of course, his isn’t the telephone call I’m anticipating. Dating really isn’t something that I do, I mean I know people who really date a lot and people who swear that the new person they are seeing are their soul mates. After one date. Well, as this is all very new to me. I don’t really like the whole dating game, it seems so pointless to me. I don’t need to be seeing someone to be happy or to know who I am. I have this friend who would be miserable with his current girlfriend, become obsessed with girls that he can’t have and Never dumps his girlfriend. Having a partner seems to be better for him that being alone. I’m accustomed to being alone. I’ve always been alone and somehow I managed not to kill myself. In high school I got into an argument with this chick, who in the end, just burst out saying that I couldn’t possibly understand, because I don’t have a man in my life. I turned away and walked off. What a mentality to have! Society keeps on increasing the pressure of finding a mate and starting a family. And if you don’t fall in with that, it’s like there is something wrong with you. I’ve been to so many events without a date and people always get that expression on their faces. Poor girl couldn’t find a date… Bah! Screw them all! How can I be all progressive and empowered when the odds are clearly tacked against me. Am I committing the world’s biggest sin by refusing to compromise, being happy with what I can get? Should I go out patrolling bars for single young sperm -donors? I REE-FUSE!
I refuse to date if those are my choices! The guy from last night is real interesting, but I really hope that this is the end of this, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but after talking to him for a while, it became clear that I was wasting my sanity on someone who is completely unworthy of my energy. I spoke more to his friends who were there also, than to him. When we talked, it was interesting, but nothing substantial. Not that there has to be substance all of the time, I would just have liked some at that moment. And then of course, fate intervened for what reason, I don’t know: B walks in and comes over to talk to me. My heart froze right there and I said such stupid, unimportant things. What does one say to your future husband while he is completely unaware of his future? I assume he is unaware, he didn’t really say much. I accused him of not calling me yet. He said that one Saturday he’ll just pop by. POP BY? I want you to POP By and tell me that you have waited your entire LIFE for someone like me! Hold it, I’m sounding crazy again and I’ve just decided to be all rational about this. He said something about (the music was really loud) running into each other like this. I don’t believe in coincidences, and I never have. Why would the universe do this to me if nothing was gonna come of it? It is so abrupt and out of the blue, yet so connected to everything I have ever done in my life. Half of the people in my life whose opinion matters the most to me, know his entire family and think he’s a great guy. We grew up in the same area, we met through completely unrelated means, and now, we keep bumping into one another. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m jus going to put it out of my head. I can’t believe I let him walk away from that table last night without his phone number! Will I ever get another chance? Am I just being characteristically impatient? I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t focus on something else. All the music I’m listening to at the moment speaks to me. I can’t believe that I’m so irrationally in love with someone I hardly know well enough. I’m so completely unprepared for this, I wish I could rush things, but I know that that is a bad idea. I guess I will just have to learn some patience. Maybe that’s the point.. Paula Cole is singing at the moment: “I believe in love to be the centre of all things”. Maybe I should be listening to NIN instead…

Crazy talk

Well, I’ve had a busy week. Trying to keep up with all the work I have to do, going to classes, studying for tests… I’ve been keeping my mind so busy so that I wouldn’t have to feel about that I was forever waiting for something to happen to me. Anything. As long as it’s good. Then, I go out for a drink with my flatmate and her brand new boyfriend (how does she do it!). And that’s when it happened. I’ve met someone. I’ll just call him B. Now, B and I have a little bit of a history. Long story short, I remember being terribly rude to him once and I remember that he gave me shit about something and I snubbed him. I also remember him always being around in some way or another, but I never really gave him the time of day. Funny how that happens… Now, after years of indifference, we met, we talked, and I’m in love. Just like that. For the record, I’m not the sort of person who goes around falling in love with the first guy who gives me some attention. In fact, I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like walking past something every day of your life and never paying it the least bit of attention. Then one day, something - I don’t know what – makes you stop and you really see the thing for the first time. He’s wonderful. I could marry this man today. I’m already building all these castles in the sky. I could tell that he feels the same way. I hope I’m right. I hope he calls me. He said he would. Ok, so he hasn’t yet, but it’s only been a couple of days. Yes, days. What if he doesn’t call…
Oh never mind that, I’m sure he will. If he does, it will be the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. If he calls, he would have proved this sad old sceptic wrong, and I’d be so happy to be wrong. I’ve always hoped, but never believed that some one great could be interested in me. That there is some magic left in this world. I used to be a hopeless romantic, but I’m afraid that I’ve learnt the hard way not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t think that I’m the sort of girl that things like this happen to. I’m hardly a fairytale princess kind of girl. That is why, even if he doesn’t call, I’m sure I will be ok. My flatmate said to me that people can disappoint you, they can hurt you, but they can never take your soul. I know that I will just get up and keep going, just like I was when he appeared. The knowledge that there is this amazing person out there, that this person (if only for a moment) thought that I was amazing too, is enough for me. It proves that things like that really exists and that the world really is the most amazing place. With the most amazing people in it. I believe that if he doesn’t call, the Universe might just have been trying to tell me that the world that I believed in when I was a little girl really exists. My heart will be broken, but in the end it will be comforted to know that anything is possible and that for every door that closes, another one opens in its place. I hope with all my heart that he calls. If I could make one wish or one request to the Universe, it would be to allow me to get to know this man. This can’t be just a coincidence. I don’t believe in things like that. I believe in love.

Love Light

Love. Why are we so obsessed with the idea of finding love. You might say that I am inlove with the idea (or rather the ideal) of love. What is it to love? I love my friends and I love my family. I love every tree and every blade of grass, every flower and every butterfly. I love the wind on my face, I love standing in the rain, I love being bathed in the moonlight.

Milan Kundera in his book "The unbearable lightness of being: says that "Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved. That is, we demand something from our partners instead of delivering ourselves up to them demand-free and asking for nothing but their company".

I've always thought that if you tell someonethat you love someone, you have all the right in the world to expect it back. Why should only your heart be put on the line. Why should you be the only one taking the risks. Ofcourse, you can't make someone feel love for you... And I believe that should all have enough self-respect to see when our energies are being wasted and to put and end to it. I will not be toyed with, I don't have the time. I have things that I want to accomplish and so much more that I want to experience. I'm not interested in meaningless relationships. I refuse to waste my time while there is so much to be done. The world is so big, its so scary. Sure, no one has ever died of a broken heart, so there is a lot to say for the adventure factor of relationships. I suppose I just don't feel like disappointing myself. I don't want to be satisfied with lowering my expectations! Why should I settle for second best contentment when I can have pure Extacy? I am not one half of a whole, forever searching the Earth for my missing other half!
I am one pure whole being with my own hopes and dreams and goals and fears and expectaions.
It would be wonderful to share that with someone, I really do want to get married and have kids, but only on my terms: without sacrificing my ideals and principles. I will be just as happy being alone and being the only constant person in my life, self-reliant, strong and empowered..That said, isn't it ironic that I can't stop obsessing over finding someone to love? I have so much to give and desperately want to give it to someone. Damn you Walt Disney and William Shakespeare who made me believe in soulmates!
This is me. I am the only one who is me. Thats all I can really count on.

And now for a word from Ani Difranco.

The story of what was.

The light blue flickering of the neighbor's big console t.v.
is basking on the ceiling of another insomniac spree and outside sleep's open window
between the drops of rain
history is writing a recipe bookfor every earthly pain
oh to clean up the clutter of echoes
coming in and out of focuswords spokenlike locusts
sing and singin my head
and thing isthey often seemin my memory's long dream
to be superfluous to the true story of what was
cuz real is real regardless of what you try to say or say away
real is real relentless while words distract and dismay
words that change their tune though the story remains the same
words that fill me quickly and then are slow to drain
dialogues that dither down reminiscent of the way it likes to rain
every screen a smoke screen
oh to dream just for a moment
the picture outside the frame
then in a flash the light blue horizon
spanning a sudden black is sucked into the vanishing point and quiet rushes back
to search for the downbeat in a tabla symphony
to search in the darkness
for someone who looks like me
(though i'm not really who i said i was or who i thought i'd be)
just a collection of recollections
conversations consisting of the kind of marks we make
when we're trying to get a pen to work again
a lifetime of them!
i say to me now here listening
i say to the locusts that sing and sing
to me sitting now here on the front porch swing of my eyes:
i hereby amend
whatever i've said
with this sigh

It just keeps getting better.

So, I had a very interesting weekend. On friday, I wasn't going to go out, but a friend convinced me to go for one drink. It ended up being a couple of drinks and this dude that I know a little asked me out on a date and gave me an (CENSORED). I know, I'm not a teenager anymore and I haven't done (CENSORED) in six years, but I didn't say no and had such a blast!
This other dude asked me to go with him to this party along with my flatmate's new squeeze. It sounded perfectly legit, so I went. I turned out to be a death metal party and the guys, who thought that this little hippie stoner chickie was going to be so freaked out, were in for a surprise.
See, I'm a roleplayer, so not only did I happen to know half the people there, I also knew 3 guys in the band 'Architechts of aggression'. Not really my kind of music, but i was (CENSORED), so I loved it! The dudes I went with were astounded as I embraced this huge scary looking lead singer like the old friend that he is. Just goes to show that you should never underestimate someone. So in the end, I went home with these jokers, but only because I was still (CENSORED) very hard and ofcourse, my flatmate's new squeeze, so I thought it would be ok. Got some action from the other guy, but as I am commited to my decision to be celibate this year, lets just say that he had to be satisfied with making out. Good kisser though. The next morning, I get an sms from my flatmate. It turns out the her new Squeeze (who is 30) apparantly got a 17 year old pregnant! We haven't heard from him since this came out, so he's not around to deny it. Scumbag. Better off without him, that's what I say! On saturday night I had the worst (CENSORED)hangover of my life and became so irritated with EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that I snapped and told a few people off. I appologised on Sunday monrning. I was tired!
On tuesday was Valentinesday. I don't really celebrate V-day, it's just a marketing ploy. I planned to spend the day going to class, cleaning the bathroom and meeting a friend for a drink that evening. Last V-day I spent at the zoo with a friend of mine, who now lives in Costa Rica and I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Determind not to be depressed, I went to class but missed it. Some friends of mine were having a picnic and i joined them. Got drunk before 11h00. went home eventually, went to meet the friend and met some new people. They convinced me to (CENSORED) with them. You know, when they said JUST SAY NO i must not have been listening. So that was how I spent Valentinesday. Oh, I also managed to see a movie that day. Pride and Prejudice. I'm a huge Jane Austin fan. I loved the movie. Mr Darcy, the most perfect man on the planet has previously been played by Colin Firth, who remains unmatched. The actor who played his part was hot though, and did very well. I was not disappointed. Anyway, back to my week. Because of tuesday, I had to write off wednesday, but made up for it by being very productive today. I really wanted to grow up. It seems that not much has changed, not if I'm still having a hard time saying NO to (CENSORED). I've convinced myself that I'm only doing these things because Varsity has not really gotten busy yet. Let's see if I manage to focus. I had so much fun though! Responsibly, because I never forgot who I was and what I was doing. I can't help feeling that everyting is going to work out. My dreams will become reality, I will be successful and somewhere on the planet, there has got to be a man who is not a complete scumbag! Until this happens, I'm happy to be me and I'm happy that Im still young enough to afford the odd mistake and wild-crazy-drug-feind stunt.

Henry van Dyke said that 'Happiness is inward and not outward. And so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are'.

QR.

What I did today,

Nothing exceptionally interesting happened today. Woke up with a gynormous hangover and a furiously grumbling tummy. It was raining. I do love the rain so much! It was really coming down heavily so I decided to skip class for today and stay in. I wanted to sleep some more, but I couldn't get back into it. My flatmate was still sleeping off her hangover that she acquired after meeting another great boyfriend. Such a great guy too. Where does she find them? Howcome I never meet guys like that? My last relationship is not something that I like to dwell on. I feel somehow inadequate. Is there some reason that it never works out? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? My flatmate agrees however, that the reason my last relationship bombed wasn't anything I did. I just know how to pick 'em, I guess. Always going for the guys who intrigue me at first but bore me afterwards. And I'm always so shy around them. It's like, my last boyfriend loves the sound of his own voice and spoke mostly of himself and his "music career". Yep, he was one of those NON-performing musicians on the verge of making it BIG. GET OFF THE FREAKING COUCH TIM!
Ah, that feels better. Actually, the real problem was that he never cared enough about me to notice that I was very quiet. I wasn't always like that. I like talking too, if I could get a word in. Or if he would have prompted me a little, encouraging me and creating a secure atmosphere.
Anyway, so I stayed in and read. I love reading. I love books, that's why I want to get into Publishing. At the moment I'm reading Philip Pullman's "The Amber Spyglass", the last installment in the His dark materials trillogy. I'm so into it! What a great read!
Maybe I should just become a complete hermit and read all day. That would make me very happy. I wouldn't have to deal with...
No, that's stupid. I can't live my life like that. I have so many beautiful dreams.
I'm ignoring the fact that Valentinesday is coming up. Yep, complete and total denial always works for me. I don't really care, its just a marketing ploy anyway and I for one will not be fooled!
Works everytime. It stopped raining and now I'm sitting in the Law Library (Because its pretty and quiet and high up) and am beholding the most amazing sunset. If you believe hard enough in your dreams, they're bound to come true. I'm totally sure!
Sigh.

Make love not war!

Yes, it is I, Queen Ree! I have yet again decided to dazzle everyone with my amazingness! This is just a few short thoughts that I want to share, because I believe that each of us has the capacity to make the world a better place for ourselves and everyone else: People, stop being selfish. Stop taking the easy way out. Stop messing with other people's lives. Stop doing harm. Stop destroying and start building! Be progressive. Be charmed. Be positive and true. Be calm and focussed. LOVE! Forgive! Be humble and kind. Be patient. Be smart and good. Be at peace. Don't try to fight fire with fire, indifference with indifference and fear with more fear. Stop abuse and violence and injustice. Stop prejudice. Stop lying. Stop gambling your soul away. Stop aggression from erupting and destroying everything it has taken us as a species so long to achieve. We owe it to our evolution! This is the next evolutionary step and we must progress to a higher level of consciousness.
The only for us to achieve this is to stop doing things the way we have been doing things. If there is baseness, hate and injustice, why do we use the same tactics to make it better? It's not going to get better; we're just going to make things worse. What is wrong with talking things out and finding a common ground? Why can we mourn for the victims of these crimes without resorting to similar crimes? It's becoming a battle of WHO can justify their actions best, and that is so completely pointless and hollow.We must have courage in our hearts. We must accept each other and learn to share this beautiful planet of ours that is full of miracles! What can we achieve with shouting that we cannot achieve with silence? Just look at the 'Women in Black' movement, who protest atrocities in the most profound way. They gather dressed in black and stand in silence for a specific amount of time. They do this to mourn. They do this to demonstrate what the opposite of violence can achieve. Imagine all those women standing together, focussing their unique, healing, soothing, feminine energy towards to same goal of stopping abuse and violence and all sorts of terrible things. Their collective energies merging and shining for the entire world to see. The moral of the story is that there is another way to handle things. We can change the mindset of fighting fire with fire and decide collectively, as an equal and free species, to make it work. To fight the flesh and embrace the spirit. Mother Earth wants us to. Let's not disappoint her any longer!

You're in for a treat!

Well, as this is my very first entry, I was going to make sure it was all profound and inspirational and stuff. I wanted it to be a platform for all the little crazies crawling around in my brain, but now that I'm sitting here, I just don't know what to say. I am convinced that I don't want to turn this into a chapter of my journal, which is filled with all sorts of interesting tidbits from my life as well as secret thoughts and plenty of fears and lots of complaining. But I'm not going to do that. Let me rather start this way:
Hello! I am Queen Ree, the party weirdo. I believe that the only thing to fear, is fear itself. But what a giant Boogieman did fear turn out to be? I don't want these feelings, I don't want to be afraid to live and to love and to talk to people and to be on my own and of the dark. I am afraid of being frightened and that Fear will dibillitate me so much that I never DO anything! I want adventure and freedom! I want to be absolutely FEARLESS!!!

Ok, so enough of that. This is called a quarter-life crises and I'm just gonna have to get over it.
Well, I have to say, what a marvellous first chapter! I'm serious, this is the kind of stuff they make movies about: a couragrous young herionne, conflicted about her own identity, staring the monsters in the face whilst declaring loudly and bravely and fearlessly THIS HAS REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING THAT I WANTED TO AVOID! I mean, if it starts this way, the tone will be the same for the rest of our little adventure. So fine, I'm all exposed now. I'm a raving lunatic and now everone will know it! Thank goodness I haven't used my real name, the embarrasment would be unbarable! No, not really, I don't really care. HERE I GO A-FREAKING-GAIN! I'm gonna go now, but I want to sign off with these parting words of Ree wisdom: (Actually, its not mine, I borrowed this one, but pop in again for some fabulous Ree-isms.)

Find out who you are and do it on purpose!

Mwah!
QR.