Last night I went out on a kind of date with someone. It was very uninteresting actually. I met this guy while tripping on acid and he eventually got around to call me, like he said he would. Its funny how guys just Get to it eventually. Of course, his isn’t the telephone call I’m anticipating. Dating really isn’t something that I do, I mean I know people who really date a lot and people who swear that the new person they are seeing are their soul mates. After one date. Well, as this is all very new to me. I don’t really like the whole dating game, it seems so pointless to me. I don’t need to be seeing someone to be happy or to know who I am. I have this friend who would be miserable with his current girlfriend, become obsessed with girls that he can’t have and Never dumps his girlfriend. Having a partner seems to be better for him that being alone. I’m accustomed to being alone. I’ve always been alone and somehow I managed not to kill myself. In high school I got into an argument with this chick, who in the end, just burst out saying that I couldn’t possibly understand, because I don’t have a man in my life. I turned away and walked off. What a mentality to have! Society keeps on increasing the pressure of finding a mate and starting a family. And if you don’t fall in with that, it’s like there is something wrong with you. I’ve been to so many events without a date and people always get that expression on their faces. Poor girl couldn’t find a date… Bah! Screw them all! How can I be all progressive and empowered when the odds are clearly tacked against me. Am I committing the world’s biggest sin by refusing to compromise, being happy with what I can get? Should I go out patrolling bars for single young sperm -donors? I REE-FUSE!
I refuse to date if those are my choices! The guy from last night is real interesting, but I really hope that this is the end of this, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but after talking to him for a while, it became clear that I was wasting my sanity on someone who is completely unworthy of my energy. I spoke more to his friends who were there also, than to him. When we talked, it was interesting, but nothing substantial. Not that there has to be substance all of the time, I would just have liked some at that moment. And then of course, fate intervened for what reason, I don’t know: B walks in and comes over to talk to me. My heart froze right there and I said such stupid, unimportant things. What does one say to your future husband while he is completely unaware of his future? I assume he is unaware, he didn’t really say much. I accused him of not calling me yet. He said that one Saturday he’ll just pop by. POP BY? I want you to POP By and tell me that you have waited your entire LIFE for someone like me! Hold it, I’m sounding crazy again and I’ve just decided to be all rational about this. He said something about (the music was really loud) running into each other like this. I don’t believe in coincidences, and I never have. Why would the universe do this to me if nothing was gonna come of it? It is so abrupt and out of the blue, yet so connected to everything I have ever done in my life. Half of the people in my life whose opinion matters the most to me, know his entire family and think he’s a great guy. We grew up in the same area, we met through completely unrelated means, and now, we keep bumping into one another. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m jus going to put it out of my head. I can’t believe I let him walk away from that table last night without his phone number! Will I ever get another chance? Am I just being characteristically impatient? I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t focus on something else. All the music I’m listening to at the moment speaks to me. I can’t believe that I’m so irrationally in love with someone I hardly know well enough. I’m so completely unprepared for this, I wish I could rush things, but I know that that is a bad idea. I guess I will just have to learn some patience. Maybe that’s the point.. Paula Cole is singing at the moment: “I believe in love to be the centre of all things”. Maybe I should be listening to NIN instead…
2 comments:
i know how you feel. so in love with someone you hardly know, but that's kinda why, don't you think. staying in love is the hard part, once you get to know the guy
"falling in love is creating a religion that has a fallible god"
i just find that
it's so much easier
to adore from a distance
it's the maybe that intrigues
it's the selfishness of living in my own head
but I'm fighting very hard
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