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How much is real.

I have discovered something about myself, call it a breakthrough if you will.

I am a deeply complicated woman, but generally I really like myself. I am not going to change for anyone. All the changing is going to be for my benefit only. You don't get a vote.

Do not bother talking to me if you can't be honest and sincere. Don't try to mess with me. It confuses me and I don't know if I can stop it once I get going.

To those who have suffered because I didn't know what I was doing - sorry. I didn't believe in myself enough to really open up to you. Eventhough you might have been a complete asshole, I admit that I let you get away with it. If you did make a real attempt to talk to me and I shot you down or didn't respond, Sorry. Try again. I missed your message. Subtlety is waisted on me. Say what you mean.

I'm a little nuts, its part of my charm. I don't even know what I want, so I really don't know what I expect from you. Just talk to me. Lets figure this out together.

Whats that song, tell me if you know:

'I've got phone numbers but no one to call my own'.

Uumm... did Stav just say that women are grumpier than men? Or did I imagine that?

I agree sort of. It's our hormones. We can't help that. Men have hormones too and they can get into worse trouble because of them. Hormones are great to have though, wouldn't you agree? Snaps for hormones!!!

I love Tuks FM. They play really good music!

Slagoffer van my eie verbeelding? Definitief!

More sugar packet wisdom.

Well, I botched my first interview. I was so nervous that I almost forgot my own name and was visibly trembling. What to do? what to do!

Obviously the search for employment is still on, so I hope to have another shot soon.

All I have to cling to is my belief that it is all going to work out in the end.

The suger packet clutched in my hand says:

Action does not always lead to happiness,

but there can be no happiness without action.

Its a mouse! Get it! Get it!

So I'm backstage manager for this play, right, The Witches, by Roald Dahl.
Its 20 seconds to curtain call after the one fight scene, and two of my actors go into the dressing room. I go after them, determined to throw my weight around to get them back on stage in very little time. I get into the dressing room and there is blood everywhere!
Its seems that the one guy (accidentally) whacked poor Bernard with a frying pan and he had an enormous gash in the bridge of his nose. I grab toiletpaper and frantically try to stop the blood gushing from his nose and running down my hands. By some miracle I do not faint and deserve a medal! He gets rushed to the emergency room for stitches and I am left standing in a pool of blood that also got on the hired costumes, as well as the floor and the tie I was wearing. After I flushed the bloodied rags and TP, I sink down into a chair and was instantly greatful for all the wine I had had during the performance. I just love this business.

Virtue, how frail it is!

I've decided to become celibate. I suppose you could say it is due to a new influence in my life, but I just hate giving credit away. So, the success of this little venture will be entirely mine, since I'm doing this for very selfish reasons.

I'm certainly no angel, but I'm not exactly the most devilish person I've ever met, so I'm sure it can't be that difficult. I have tried it before and found that I got exactly out of it what I wanted to. It even lasted. It would just really be great if I can be alone in my head again. To be able to just focus on me. On what I want and need. If I didn't have to worry about sex and what/whom it involves, I will certainly be much better off. Sex influences decisions we make as well as our reactions. Elliminating it entirely will naturally lead to more stability in character, mental processes and in my general behaviour. This will allow me to get done what needs to be done, as well as to pursue different kinds of relationships with people. I could even get to know certain people much better! I hear that comes in handy when establishing any relationship. Not that I've been spending a lot of time having sex, its just that it being a possibility is problematic. So, that's the new plan!

I must say that eversince I made this decision I've felt more at peace than I have in a long time. Here's to virtue and all of those other precious ideals we so often disregard!

Is this too TMFI for you, anonymous?

Glad to help, Moron!

More crazy talk.

If you actively search for happiness, you only succeed in making yourself miserable. Take me - I obsess about everything every single moment of every single day. Mostly on what is wrong with me. It's like I get some sort of sick pleassure from torchuring myself. I imagine things that aren't real and I make up scenarios and fall for them hook, line and sinker. I'm convinced one moment and lost the next. It never stops. I don't know whether I'm coming or going and all this because I so desperately want to be happy. But you can't rely on other people to make you happy. As the Queen of new beginnings, I know that mine coincide with the phases of the moon. You might ask yourself: How many times can a person ree-invent herself (yet not change a bit) and keep going?

I've learned that it is ok to make mistakes. We learn from those mistakes. Happines, whatever that is, can come look for me for a change. I'm a girl on a mission and I'm done mesing around with things that do not matter and that are beyond the power of my will.

On an entirely unrelated matter, I heard the prettiest thing:

'Love is friendship on fire'.

I love that!

One of those days.

Uuggh! I'm in such a bad mood today. I'm so hungover and everybody is looking for Sh*t with me. I'm so terribly sorry that I'm not perfect and sometimes even rather disappointing. But you know what? I'm a human being. I make mistakes. How about, the next time any of you Bozo's have beef with me, you come talk to me about it instead of talking crap behind my back, or posting ambiguous anonymous comments that only result in pissing me off. Unless that was your intention, in which case: Congrats! You've succeeded. You're a man now.
Ok, I'm over it. It's just that I am not a mindreader. I wish people would just talk to me. I know I'm hard to pin down sometimes and you really have to press me to get some real information out of me (Queen of Vagueness and Evasive tactics.), but I would do better if I knew how. I just require some patience and I need to trust someone before I open up. Is that so difficult to understand?

So, Dandilion and I go to the Drumming Circle and I'm tense as usual. It took me a while to relax and the copious amounts of Gluwein helped. Or maybe it didn't. You decide.
So I'm sitting around the bonfire, my skirt above my knees and drum between them. I'm drummin away and am relaxing more and more. In fact, I'm relaxing so much that my foot sort of starts to slide to the front and my toes start to figit with something. Drum drum drum. Next moment I realise a few things at once: my foot has been figiting this guy (my Dad's) age in front of me on the butt, he's shuffeling around all uncomfortable and his wife is giving me death stares!
I didn't know what to do. I think I apologised, but have no way of knowing. It's sort of unclear what happened next. I guess I drank too much. That's got to stop. If you want other people to take you seriously, you have to take yourself seriously. It doesn't help that I'm so clumsy and can be such a trainwreck at times. I'm sure I'll grow out of it. To Anonymous, whoever you are, what counts as too much information? I wish you would call me so that we can talk. All this mystery is unnecessary. I'm not really so annoyed, you just caught me on a bad day. PEACE ALL AROUND! Ciao!

Hope springs eternal.

I saw one of the most beautiful movies of the year last night:

The Tiger in the Snow by Roberto Benigni. I hope that's the right spelling. Oh well. Sometimes walking out of a cinema with a great big smile on you face just makes you forget about everything. It was so beautiful, I cried and cried and it was so funny as well. So touching. It just makes you believe in love again and in people. It teaches us never to give up hope, because as terrible and cruel as this world can get, it also has the potential to be the most beautiful and magical place, where anything is possible. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. Love is more powerful than anything else in existance.

Summer fun and a long and lonesome road.

Summer here and there's colour all around! Yeah! I love flowers! Orange, purple, red, yellow, not to mention all the green around.

Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. A Fellow by the name of Ray Goodman said that. Yeah for sugar packet wisdom!
What is the point of happiness if you have to postpone it for the future? We're alive NOW, right? This is not a dress-rehearsal, this is it! Right now is all we can be sure of.
There are certain things for which I'm willing to wait, like a family and marriage.
I can live a very happy life without those things, but I come from a very loving family and would love to have one myself - eventually. Maybe in 10 years. While waiting for that, I plan on keeping my options open, enjoying life and having a chance for happiness within myself, RIGHT NOW!

One word from a prince that lives in a land far far away and I'll be more that willing to reserve his place, but until the words are spoken, I have to assume that that is never going to happen. I have to look out for me, since nobody else can or will. I've got a Queendom to take care of, after all. Still, one word...

Whatever, the point is that I refuse to traumatise myself by pretending to know anything about destiny and how it works. I'm just along for the ride. a hitch-hiker on the journey. I'm getting ready to face my destiny, whatever it turns out to be. Maybe its already here. Maybe we make our own destinies. If that's the case, I already know what I want to happen. Now to convince others....