Colour me Disenchanted

Well, the ratings are down and I can't really say that I blame my readers. Who wants to read about me ranting and raving away? Let's face it: I only ever talk about myself and never have anything remotely interesting to say. My life is about as interesting and authentic as the cellphone tower disguised as a large tree outside my office window.. not very much at all. The only interesting thing about me is my friends and they are bound to get tired of me sooner or later. All day long I think of very interesting things to write about, but when I actually sit in front of the keyboard, I go as blank and empty as my inbox: lots of spam, but not a lot else really. And listen to me going on and on about how boring and useless I am, STILL not getting to why I am going on like this in the first place!

I have once again decided to turn over a new silicone leaf. It seems like only yesterday when I promised to move on, to get over myself and entertain all of you with the enchanting musings of a wanton word godess who makes time every day to update everyone on her fabulous existance and to enrich your lives. OK, maybe I'm aiming too high.
Maybe its just that time of year, when everybody just gets sick to death of themselves and wishes they were more interesting. No? Just me then? Oh well, there goes that idea..
I suppose I'd better get on with it before I lose even the most loyal of fans, whose judgement (BTW) I am beginning to question. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? HUH?!?!
Perhaps its time for medication.
How did I get this self-absorbed?
Did it happen because of Highschool? I didn't get enough attention or indulgence there.. Maybe I'm just an attention junky with an insatiable appetite for the notice, approval and adoration of others. Pathetic.
You know what's funny? I'm still talking about myself! ME ME ME ME ME!
I've worked very hard to shut the world out, yet ironically enough, I'm still at the centre of everything (oi the Vanity).
I'm trying to hide away like the hermit my tarot cards said I was many years ago, but then I bitch and complain about not being noticed?
Then again, its hard NOT to notice me. I'm loud, bitchy, large and demand to be in charge. The only thing bigger than my ego is my gynormous ass!
And of course, not having anything more interesting to say, I resort to diggin into myself and still wonder why I have such low self-esteem. The reason is quite simply because somehow, I think that the approval of others matter more than my own. Eventhough I know better. Would I have made different choices if I weren't so obsessed with making everyone like me? Would I have been an entirely different person? Would my favourite subject be anything other than myself? What would make the difference? What would happen if for once, someone shook me by the shoulders and said: SNAP OUT OF IT! SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU, HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNGRATEFUL!? What the hell is love anyway? How can anyone love me if I go on like this? And why sould it matter? These demons inside my head won't stop. I guess I'm just lonely. Or starved for some real notice: Someone taking the time and going to the effort to make me open up, to make me blossom. But that is no ones' responsibility but my own. Can you say Drama Queen? How the hell did I get like this? PLEASE ANSWER ME!!!!

An emotional masochist trying desperately to break the habit.

Finding Nemo

No, I don't mean the little fishy. I mean the song by Nightwish.
When I was on the beach end of November, I got trashed and had an amazing experience, were I was looking at the waves crashing beneath me on the rocks, conversing with my celestial other - The Ocean - and everything just sort of fell into place. By everything, I mean life, the Universe, and everything else that I was struggling with. It kind out played out before my hallucinating eyes and this song was the one that happened to be the soundtrack in my head at the time. As the song ended, so did the montage and with the dying notes resonating in my head, I reached a plateau of universal understanding which I can't quite recall right now, but I know it happened and it was good. I think I finally understand. It's all going to work out just as I imagined it at that moment.. My life, my love, my death, after that. It's going to be quite a ride!
Anyhoo, here's the song.

Nemo - by Nightwish.

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as a compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

My flower
Withered between
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name for evermore

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name for evermore

Nemo my name for evermore

FUD

I've had it with men.
I might have mentioned a certain individual I like to call Freaky Underwear Dude before. He is this old fat guy who always smokes a cigarette in his underwear at night, watching us very intently though our window. Well, my story starts on Friday night, when my flatmate and I arrived home after a Christmas party. My neighbor comes up to us and tell us a horrifying tale, in which she caught FUD coming out of our flat, locking the door behind him, noticing her and running away like someone who know he has just been busted. Apparently he had family who had lived in our flat before and that was how he came to possess a key to our flat. He had clearly let himself in for whatever reason, probably sniffing my underwear or something dodgy. I remembered that I had once come around the corner towards my door and saw him running in the opposite direction. I thought he was just shy and was trying to avoid me. Since he was only wearing underwear at the time, I was glad for his choice, but now I think I might have almost caught him going into our flat. My flatmate also told me of a night when she woke up as some one was entering her room and when they saw her, they closed the door quickly and left. She thought it was me, looking for something, but I explained that I had not been home. We figured that she had probably just dreamed it, but now I think that he must have thought that no one was home and just let himself in!
What if he watches us while we sleep? What if he did sniff my underwear? What if he is dangerous? We've noticed as well that two knives had gone missing since we moved in. Now, this could be entirely unrelated, but our kitchen in spotless and everything is in its place. I have no idea where those knives went and we have never seen them again. I am however willing to bet that if we went through his stuff, we would find them. I've never believed in co-incidences. I've even convinced myself that I was losing it, because sometimes I would come home and would feel a presence there that didn't belong there. Then I would go through the house just to convince myself that I am alone.
So anyway, the locks have been changed and I told the Trustees about it. I doubt they are going to do anything, though. At least he can't get in anymore...
Then, on Saturday we go to this party on a meat farm. Now what, you are probably asking yourself, is she doing on a meat farm?
Well, it wasn't my idea, but I decided to be open-minded. And you can probably guess how much I freaked out after a while of telling myself that it's going to be ok. I was surrounded by semi-naked jocks who had no respect for women, ate meat and drank the whole time, so much so that a friend of mine got attacked. There were one or two nice guys there, but on the whole, it was a nightmare. I'm so glad that we escaped relatively unscathed and that I had friends there. It might have ended badly. Also. I've got a big mouth and was very outspoken about my views.. I could have gotten into really big trouble. Why is EVERYTHING about sex with men? Can't you just have a normal conversation with them without them objectifying you blatantly?
Maybe I should become a lesbian. I know that there are some really good guys out there, but they are mostly unavailable, gay or emotionally unavailable. Is there any hope for our society when its male members a degrading like this? Has it always been like this? Is testosterone too dangerous to allow its existence any longer?

On the job.

I have the best colleauge in the whole wide world. She makes me lots of coffee and even gave me a neck-rub when I really needed one. She's also very nice to chat to and is very very clever. The others are nice to, but they are the bosses and can't get up to mischief with them. Too much. I like working here, cause I get to play on the internet while pretending to work. When I occasionally do do some work, I glide through it so easily that I don't even feel that it cuts into my precious internet time. Ah Bliss!

The happy hippie song.

I wrote the following when I was doing the Happy Hippie thing, so just keep that in mind.

It’s raining outside. An electrical storm – my favourite. It’s late and dark. I feel completely awake, even though I haven’t slept. I can’t sleep. The planet in pulsating and vibrating all around me. I look into the windows of buildings in front of me, watching people as they go about their business and draw their curtains, closing their windows to shut the raging storm out. I am standing partially in the rain, probably catching pneumonia. I’ve got to work tomorrow. It’s strange how this job thing just sort of fell into my lap. All nice and pretty with a bow and shiny wrapping paper.
The Universe just made it happen when the time was right for it to be so. Like many things I suppose. Life just happens when people are ready for it to happen, there is no sense in trying to rush things. You can’t force the Universe to take action, the timing has to be right.
Timing is everything. My free time has suddenly become very valuable, so I find myself incapable of wasting it. I suppose the danger of becoming even more impatient is there, but not if I take a few counter measures. Like Yoga and learning to meditate, so that I can be relaxed, calm and focussed. It would also boost the energy levels significantly. I have a lot less sleepy-time than I used to…
No, I have to focus on my career and quit screwing around. I have to spend my time wisely in order to avoid a frantic meltdown situation.
Now that the next stage of my development can commence, I am confident that there will be a lot to learn about myself and the world in general. Adventure awaits those who are not afraid to seize the opportunity, embracing the future with valour and enthusiasm. Or something like that…
What am I saying? I sound just like the ree-encarnated hippie that my little brother accuses me of being. But I’m proud of it. Saving the world a little bit at a time.
‘And I –eeh-hi- had a feeling that I belonged, I-eeh-hi- had a feeling that I could Be someone…
The storm is calming down now, its just a light drizzle. There is nothing like a South African storm.
‘I’m crazy like a fool…what about Daddy Cool!’
A developing being (raving lunatic) experiencing herself – it’s gonna be quite a ride. Especially if I keep spewing nonsense like this all day long. I’ve got to fake my way into being taken seriously. I have to think grown-up thoughts…
Maybe I’m a different breed of grown-up, though. Maybe I could teach them all something - something that I know that they don’t. It’s marvellous idea. I get to discover a whole new world and a whole new me. One who is in control of her Universe, an Architect of her own reality. And I promise, no more trouble with the law…

Mercury strikes again!

Well, I prepared this really nice entry that detailed all of the things that I am going to miss when I no longer have all this free time. This ofcourse, is provided that the job I am told is mine actually works out. I've learned to be very sceptical. Anyway, I mentioned things like: am going to miss not being able to turn the music up to full volume and sitting on the floor close to the speakers, writing or painting; reading whatever I can find; sitting in the garden in the middle of the day, listening to the sounds of the city or watching the birdies play in the wind... But I'm not going to do that any more. I've had a really terrible day. Instead, I'm just going to say that I'll miss having all that time to think and obsess and I'll miss being able to walk around naked in my flat, checking myself out in the mirror.

We've already established that I am incredibly vain, let it go.

Mercury is at it again and technology is rebelling agains me. Every computer I've been at in the last week has showed its contempt and refused to do what I wanted it to do, not caring one bit that I've got enough exam stress to give me a heart attack already. I've learned to live with it, though and am trying very hard to not let it get me down. So, I try to find ways around technology, but there aren't many. In the end, I had to use my trusty chinese internet cafe, hoping against hope that Mercury will not find me in my anonymity. What else can a person do?
I saw that film 'An inconvenient truth' and cried my eyes out about what we are doing to the planet. Go to www.climatecrises.net to see how you can make a difference and do your bit to save the planet. It's the least we can do, right?

Anyway, its one of my best friends' birthday today, and I still need to write to her before Mercury finds me again. It seems that I'm on the run. Shhhhht!

Good news for once.

Hey there fans of Ree.
I know I've been neglecting you for a while, but the good news is that I HAVE FOUND A JOB!!!
Starting Dec 1st, I am going to be a working woman, stumbling on her way to the top, but definately on her way there.

Tune in next time, for a more detailed update.

Ciao!

Important Info!

Hey there fellow bloggers!

Check out The Gallery of Distorted Art at www.galleryofdistortedart.blogspot.com

How much is real.

I have discovered something about myself, call it a breakthrough if you will.

I am a deeply complicated woman, but generally I really like myself. I am not going to change for anyone. All the changing is going to be for my benefit only. You don't get a vote.

Do not bother talking to me if you can't be honest and sincere. Don't try to mess with me. It confuses me and I don't know if I can stop it once I get going.

To those who have suffered because I didn't know what I was doing - sorry. I didn't believe in myself enough to really open up to you. Eventhough you might have been a complete asshole, I admit that I let you get away with it. If you did make a real attempt to talk to me and I shot you down or didn't respond, Sorry. Try again. I missed your message. Subtlety is waisted on me. Say what you mean.

I'm a little nuts, its part of my charm. I don't even know what I want, so I really don't know what I expect from you. Just talk to me. Lets figure this out together.

Whats that song, tell me if you know:

'I've got phone numbers but no one to call my own'.

Uumm... did Stav just say that women are grumpier than men? Or did I imagine that?

I agree sort of. It's our hormones. We can't help that. Men have hormones too and they can get into worse trouble because of them. Hormones are great to have though, wouldn't you agree? Snaps for hormones!!!

I love Tuks FM. They play really good music!

Slagoffer van my eie verbeelding? Definitief!

More sugar packet wisdom.

Well, I botched my first interview. I was so nervous that I almost forgot my own name and was visibly trembling. What to do? what to do!

Obviously the search for employment is still on, so I hope to have another shot soon.

All I have to cling to is my belief that it is all going to work out in the end.

The suger packet clutched in my hand says:

Action does not always lead to happiness,

but there can be no happiness without action.

Its a mouse! Get it! Get it!

So I'm backstage manager for this play, right, The Witches, by Roald Dahl.
Its 20 seconds to curtain call after the one fight scene, and two of my actors go into the dressing room. I go after them, determined to throw my weight around to get them back on stage in very little time. I get into the dressing room and there is blood everywhere!
Its seems that the one guy (accidentally) whacked poor Bernard with a frying pan and he had an enormous gash in the bridge of his nose. I grab toiletpaper and frantically try to stop the blood gushing from his nose and running down my hands. By some miracle I do not faint and deserve a medal! He gets rushed to the emergency room for stitches and I am left standing in a pool of blood that also got on the hired costumes, as well as the floor and the tie I was wearing. After I flushed the bloodied rags and TP, I sink down into a chair and was instantly greatful for all the wine I had had during the performance. I just love this business.

Virtue, how frail it is!

I've decided to become celibate. I suppose you could say it is due to a new influence in my life, but I just hate giving credit away. So, the success of this little venture will be entirely mine, since I'm doing this for very selfish reasons.

I'm certainly no angel, but I'm not exactly the most devilish person I've ever met, so I'm sure it can't be that difficult. I have tried it before and found that I got exactly out of it what I wanted to. It even lasted. It would just really be great if I can be alone in my head again. To be able to just focus on me. On what I want and need. If I didn't have to worry about sex and what/whom it involves, I will certainly be much better off. Sex influences decisions we make as well as our reactions. Elliminating it entirely will naturally lead to more stability in character, mental processes and in my general behaviour. This will allow me to get done what needs to be done, as well as to pursue different kinds of relationships with people. I could even get to know certain people much better! I hear that comes in handy when establishing any relationship. Not that I've been spending a lot of time having sex, its just that it being a possibility is problematic. So, that's the new plan!

I must say that eversince I made this decision I've felt more at peace than I have in a long time. Here's to virtue and all of those other precious ideals we so often disregard!

Is this too TMFI for you, anonymous?

Glad to help, Moron!

More crazy talk.

If you actively search for happiness, you only succeed in making yourself miserable. Take me - I obsess about everything every single moment of every single day. Mostly on what is wrong with me. It's like I get some sort of sick pleassure from torchuring myself. I imagine things that aren't real and I make up scenarios and fall for them hook, line and sinker. I'm convinced one moment and lost the next. It never stops. I don't know whether I'm coming or going and all this because I so desperately want to be happy. But you can't rely on other people to make you happy. As the Queen of new beginnings, I know that mine coincide with the phases of the moon. You might ask yourself: How many times can a person ree-invent herself (yet not change a bit) and keep going?

I've learned that it is ok to make mistakes. We learn from those mistakes. Happines, whatever that is, can come look for me for a change. I'm a girl on a mission and I'm done mesing around with things that do not matter and that are beyond the power of my will.

On an entirely unrelated matter, I heard the prettiest thing:

'Love is friendship on fire'.

I love that!

One of those days.

Uuggh! I'm in such a bad mood today. I'm so hungover and everybody is looking for Sh*t with me. I'm so terribly sorry that I'm not perfect and sometimes even rather disappointing. But you know what? I'm a human being. I make mistakes. How about, the next time any of you Bozo's have beef with me, you come talk to me about it instead of talking crap behind my back, or posting ambiguous anonymous comments that only result in pissing me off. Unless that was your intention, in which case: Congrats! You've succeeded. You're a man now.
Ok, I'm over it. It's just that I am not a mindreader. I wish people would just talk to me. I know I'm hard to pin down sometimes and you really have to press me to get some real information out of me (Queen of Vagueness and Evasive tactics.), but I would do better if I knew how. I just require some patience and I need to trust someone before I open up. Is that so difficult to understand?

So, Dandilion and I go to the Drumming Circle and I'm tense as usual. It took me a while to relax and the copious amounts of Gluwein helped. Or maybe it didn't. You decide.
So I'm sitting around the bonfire, my skirt above my knees and drum between them. I'm drummin away and am relaxing more and more. In fact, I'm relaxing so much that my foot sort of starts to slide to the front and my toes start to figit with something. Drum drum drum. Next moment I realise a few things at once: my foot has been figiting this guy (my Dad's) age in front of me on the butt, he's shuffeling around all uncomfortable and his wife is giving me death stares!
I didn't know what to do. I think I apologised, but have no way of knowing. It's sort of unclear what happened next. I guess I drank too much. That's got to stop. If you want other people to take you seriously, you have to take yourself seriously. It doesn't help that I'm so clumsy and can be such a trainwreck at times. I'm sure I'll grow out of it. To Anonymous, whoever you are, what counts as too much information? I wish you would call me so that we can talk. All this mystery is unnecessary. I'm not really so annoyed, you just caught me on a bad day. PEACE ALL AROUND! Ciao!

Hope springs eternal.

I saw one of the most beautiful movies of the year last night:

The Tiger in the Snow by Roberto Benigni. I hope that's the right spelling. Oh well. Sometimes walking out of a cinema with a great big smile on you face just makes you forget about everything. It was so beautiful, I cried and cried and it was so funny as well. So touching. It just makes you believe in love again and in people. It teaches us never to give up hope, because as terrible and cruel as this world can get, it also has the potential to be the most beautiful and magical place, where anything is possible. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. Love is more powerful than anything else in existance.

Summer fun and a long and lonesome road.

Summer here and there's colour all around! Yeah! I love flowers! Orange, purple, red, yellow, not to mention all the green around.

Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. A Fellow by the name of Ray Goodman said that. Yeah for sugar packet wisdom!
What is the point of happiness if you have to postpone it for the future? We're alive NOW, right? This is not a dress-rehearsal, this is it! Right now is all we can be sure of.
There are certain things for which I'm willing to wait, like a family and marriage.
I can live a very happy life without those things, but I come from a very loving family and would love to have one myself - eventually. Maybe in 10 years. While waiting for that, I plan on keeping my options open, enjoying life and having a chance for happiness within myself, RIGHT NOW!

One word from a prince that lives in a land far far away and I'll be more that willing to reserve his place, but until the words are spoken, I have to assume that that is never going to happen. I have to look out for me, since nobody else can or will. I've got a Queendom to take care of, after all. Still, one word...

Whatever, the point is that I refuse to traumatise myself by pretending to know anything about destiny and how it works. I'm just along for the ride. a hitch-hiker on the journey. I'm getting ready to face my destiny, whatever it turns out to be. Maybe its already here. Maybe we make our own destinies. If that's the case, I already know what I want to happen. Now to convince others....

Another word on Clowns.

This dude told me this terrifying story, tell me what you think of it. He swears every word is true.

This girl that he knows was babysitting for friends of her parents. After putting the children to sleep, she became increasingly freaked out by this life-sized Clown-doll by the bed. So much so that she phoned the parents of the children after a while, hoping to get permission to move it somewhere else, since it was so big and so freaky. The parents were horrified. They told her to immediately take the children and get out of the house. Why? She asked. They replied: We don't have a life-sized Clown-doll!

She apparantly phoned the police and later on they discovered that it was a neighbourhood crazy, who liked to dress up as a clown and climb into people's houses through the window.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yucky ickey Clowns!

Ok. In other news, I'm going away for a few days to see my family in Ballito. Hopefully I will have lots of quality time with them and my cat. Unfortunately, I have to edit this one dude's masters dissertation and find time somewhere to study for my semester tests. Oi! My life sure sucks somethimes. Just kidding. I'm pretty happy in general - that is, when there are no clowns! I'll be even happier when I get a job. Hold thumbs!

Ree of Bath

Before you read this, there are some things that you need to consider:
It is a well known fact that I am completely off my rocker. It is also no secret that I party too hard, that I Roleplay, that I read too much fantasy, science-fiction and horror, watch too many moves, series and anime. I also have an over-active imagination.

So I get home from a party with some of my closest friends that lasted until 03h00 in the morning. I have to get up early, because silly me vollunteered to help out at the Octoberfest. So I decide to take a bath before crawling into bed, so that I can get ready to go within 30mins.

Completely trashed, I get in the tub. The house is quiet except for the occasional creek from the neighbours or a murmer from my sister and her boyfriend that are sleeping over.

I keep hearing noises. Creepy noises. What the Hell? I keep envisioning these crazy scenarios where I am in the tub - naked - and someone comes in and attacks me, stabs me, drowns me or eats me. No more Clive Barker for me, I decide. I tell myself that I am being rediculous and that my imagination is running away with me. I can't relax. Too tense. Too trashed. Too paranoid.

I sink down into the water, holding my breath. That always relaxes me. Head under water. Just listening to my heartbeat. My mind wanders. I envision someone coming in while I'm under the water with my eyes closed and suddenly sit up - heaving to regain composure and oxygen. Eyes wide open. Quiet.

I look down into the water and gasp! OMG! Blood! I'm in a tub full of BLOOD! I scream (which nobody heard). I almost have a heart-attack until I realise that it's only hairdye. See, I dyed my hair the day before and didn't rinse properly. Anyway, that's why the tub was red.

I get out and tiptoe to my bed, not bothering to switch on any lights, peering around corners. I feel stupid and go to sleep, giggeling like a schoolgirl. This picture is from my good friend Shakira, who is demented, as I am.

Who else hates clowns?

I had a dream...

I had a terrible nightmare. I think it’s because I’ve been eating too much junk food lately.
In my dream, Mr. Taurus marries my cousin and nobody shared this news with me. I found out at the wedding and was devastated. Everybody lied to me about it. It was stormy, with thunder and lightning and sea-tornadoes everywhere. At the reception, I saw him and he grabbed me by the elbow, saying that we are going to sort this out once and for all. I got away from him and he chased me up to a tower. When I got up there, I say a giant stained-glass window. I threw something at it and it shattered. Then wind and rain came in and there was chaos outside. I looked at the wild, stormy sea beneath me and prepared to jump. Mr. Taurus caught me and threw me to the floor. A snowflake or something like it, but more shiny and glowing rushed at me and collided with me. I started to float, in suspended animation, frozen. He caught me before I fell to the ground again. The Priest stepped out of nowhere and told me of a vision he had seen while
I was suspended in the air. He said that he could see into other dimensions and that this has happened before, and that I shouldn’t worry because I had been married in all the other realities. I didn’t take the news well and fled again to the window, bumping my hand and cutting my bare feet in the glass. I went for the window and was about to jump out, when I woke up in my bed. I was really freaked out this morning, but I’m fine now. I know it was just a dream. The funny thing is that, this morning, I have a scratch on my hand that wasn’t there yesterday and I have a blister in my foot that is hurting so much that I convinced myself that I must have stepped in something sharp. I know that I read too much and that I have an overactive imagination, so I’m not saying it’s another vision. I’m just a little freaked out by it, since yet again; Mr. Taurus has popped up in my subconscious messages to myself. What does it mean? I’m so unsettled. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in interconnectivity. I believe that everything is related.

City Spring

I Love Pretoria. There are so many trees and I really know my way around – sort of. Most of my best friends live here too and it is sort of the place to be if you want to break into the Publishing industry. I especially love October, when the Jacaranda trees bloom. This entire green city turns completely purple. There is nothing like walking down the street when it is purple above you, purple besides you and purple beneath you. It is like walking through a purple tunnel and it is said that when a Jacaranda blossom falls on your head, it is good luck.

Of course, it’s not October yet so we still have a while until the extreme purple-ness swallows us. And it means something else to students: Start studying for the exams! So here I am, almost finished with my studies and almost a working girl. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my flat, I love my country, I love this city. I’ve been given so many opportunities and squandered many of them, but I’m still here. Every morning when I walk to Varsity, I am again overwhelmed by the beauty of this place. But I also notice something else. This city makes you so hard. It turns your heart to stone and your blood into ice-water. I used to smile at everyone, saying Good Morning to every one. Now, you just can’t do that anymore. People look at you funny when you do, like they just can’t believe someone has the nerve to talk to them, or like I want something to them, or they can use this opportunity t make obscene remarks or to try and get in my pants. Being friendly mostly leads other people to take liberties. As a woman, I have to constantly mistrust everyone, like all of them are potential rapists and/or muggers, kidnappers and/or murderers.

I wouldn’t mind leaving this place. I was toying with the idea of going to the UK for a year of so, but maybe I should just try another city. Durban is out of the question. Jozi is an option, but generally I find it so pretentious. Cape Town is great if you are a Publisher… I suppose I just need a couple of new faces, a new beginning, new opportunities, and new possibilities. I don’t want to stagnate. I don’t want to live here forever. Not yet, anyway. I’m only 25. Don’t I get to change my life a couple of times still?

On another subject entirely, what the hell is up with Whaling? Why are the powers that be even allowing this horrible practise to continue? How many people actually eat Whale meat and use Whale oil? The practises of killing whales are exceedingly cruel. Harpooning is so inhumane! Have we not progressed enough as a species to realise how irresponsible it is to carry on so carelessly? The Whale is one of nature’s most beautiful creatures and is very close to disappearing altogether. We haven’t even begun to learn anything from these ancient gods of the sea, while there is ample proof that they are as intelligent as the great Apes?

Grrr Argh!

Hey hey hey!

Happy Spring day everybody!

Oh, and also, Queen Lestat informs me that it was World Blog day on Wednesday, so Happy blogging to all!

The play opened last night and was a roaring success, I can't wait for tonight, which will be even better!

I've been rehearsed at a relentless pace. While this means that I don't really have a life at the moment, it ensures that we are all so over-rehearsed that we could do it in our sleep.
My little one-liner has turned into quite a cameo and I really really love my character. I've always wanted to be a vampire. Except for the whole 'no daylight' thing and the blood thing, it must be super cool. Anne Rice (the godess) has romanticised it so much that I would really love to live forever. Although, I really like the idea of an after-life... The sunlight allergy I could do without... Maybe I'll leave the Vampiring to those truly committed to it. I would just be a source of great controversy as a vampire, informing every one constantly that humans are people too and that we shouldn't drink their blood.

I went to the most beautiful wedding the other day. Three years ago, I was the chairperson of The Inklings, the Literacry society on campus. That year, we hosted the Spring ball and that is where J & A first met. (I take full credit for that!) Soon after they got together, I had a dream of their children and ofcourse told them about it. Three years later, I'm sitting in a beautiful chapel, watching them exchange vows and crying my big green eyes out because I'm so overwhelmed by the amasingness of it all. I've never seen two people so much inlove and more perfect for one another. Deep down, underneath all the bullshit, I'm just a big old softy. If I ever get married, it will be for the same reasons. Why go through with it if you can have unwavering devotion and ever expanding Loving!

I'll probably be the last one to marry of my current group of friends, if I ever do. I'm holding out for a hero. In the meantime, I'm taking one day at a time, enjoying what is left of my youth and basking in the glow of my own amazingness. Just kidding. I am convinced however, that there is no reason to bother if there can't be lots of passion!

Whats that smell?

Someone said to me the other day that you know that spring is coming when you can smell Jasmin all over.

This morning I was walking to Varsity down my favourite street - long and relatively quiet, lined with the most beautiful trees. Arcadia street. I could feel Spring in the air,
no, I could smell it, thanks to the Jasmin. full of promise. My sister Tish said that I smell of the Ocean, Pearls and Jasmin. I love that. I love you Tishi!My life is very complicated right now, I have so many Varsity things to do, the Play and a very complicated love-life, that I'm sure I would be much better without. Its somehow much simpler if you're single. And I am now, its just a matter of staying that way. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it. As long as I can still look myself in the eyes, I guess its all fine -- right?
I don't want to be Estella. I want to be Emma, or Elizabeth Bennet. Happy Spring to all Africans (don't venture out without a scarf just yet, Ernest Hemmingway warned us about hte false spring. That's when nature lulls you into a false sense of security, just so that she could take one last stab at our bodies with her ice cold finger.) and to all others, I can just imagine how it must suck to be you right now, missing out on this glorious African weather.

Like Estella?

Eleanor Roosevelt said that ‘Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product’. That was what it said on the sugar-packet that came with my morning Café Mocha. I just love Huletts sugar-packet wisdom! My weekend was quite hectic. My story begins on Thursday – no wait! It goes back further than that!
Mr. Cancer and I had not been going out for long, when he first called me a Fence-sitter. (one who has not yet chosen between God or the Devil). I really resented that, because the only reason he said this, was because I am interested in a variety of different things, from Tao-ism to Astrology. He said that I had obviously not made my choice yet and that ‘sitting on the fence’ was just as bad as choosing the Devil.

Thus condemned to Hell by my so-called beloved, I let it go, because he says random stupid things all the time. I did however, vow that if he ever says anything like that again, he was getting a piece of my mind! On Thursday night, we went to watch the Johannesburg Philharmonic Orchestra perform. It was a magical evening! There was a Cello concerto that brought tears to my eyes! Afterwards, we went home and he and I were cuddling on the couch, chatting away, when he brought up religion again. Then he said those fateful words: ‘and then there are Fence-sitters, like you…’ I didn’t let him finish. I erupted and said something like ‘if you ever say that to me again, I will NEVER speak to you again! At this he flipped his lid and left. I was furious and we had a heated SMS debate about it. He did call later to find out if I was ok, which was sweet. We agreed to meet on Saturday after my rehearsal to talk.
Friday I went to a party and all my friends told me to break up with him. I felt like I should give him a chance still. Saturday arrived and after my rehearsal, he came over.

(Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett @ The Lier theatre on campus @ the University of Pretoria, 31st Aug – 3rd Sept. Tickets are R35 and are selling like hotcake. For presales, contact Maria Prozesky at the English department. I would also give you her number, but my phone is broken. If anyone wishes to contact me, I can still receive calls, but that’s it).

I looked at his ill-humoured, sulky expression once and said that we both knew this wasn’t’ going to work. So I broke up with him and he definitely doesn’t want to be friends. I just can’t be with someone that narrow-minded and intolerant and judgemental! I think I really hurt him.. Oh Boo-hoo. Yep, I’m single again! I felt like a real cad, though. Afterwards, I went to the Propaganda party I had promised to go to and bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. He’s an Aquarius. Mmmm. Don’t think anything will come of it though.. a fling is just a fling after all. Besides, I like being single and free much more.

In the end, I guess I realised how happy I was with my life after all. I really have nothing to complain about, as long as I keep listening to both my head and my heart. They can fight it out. I will agonise no longer! I’ve been desperately searching for happiness, but it’s been right in front of me the whole time! Life is always going to happen. Appreciate yourself and you will just be happy automatically! Watch this space…

Where's the fire!?!

Since I’ve always tended a little bit towards depression, I don’t usually pay any (real) attention to conclusions arrived at while in such a state. I realised long ago that these moods come and go and it is up to me to change the way I handle these situations. After all, we all have the ability to determine how we are going to let something affect us. I realise that we react to stimuli in a specific way because we are used to doing it like we do. I have the power over my own perceptions and no one else! No amount of cultural conditioning can keep me from doing what I feel in my heart in right. Your mind can be warped if you let it and your heart is never unaffected by its situation, but I believe that in listening to both and agonising over something always produces the best resolutions.

Here's me, taking pictures of myself in bed, cause I am incredibly vain.

That said, let me now proceed to complaining about my life once more.. I’ve realised that this relationship I’m in cannot really go anywhere. Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy and anyone looking for a safe, dependable, sweet and sensitive Cancerion would love to have him. I haven’t quite decided what to do, I’m still at the aforementioned agonising stage and I don’t want to make rash decisions. He’s just not lighting my fire – so to speak. This Leo wants passion and excitement. His Cancerion rain is putting out my Leo fire and I can’t have that. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him in any other way than superficially and that wears thin. I don’t need a good candidate for a husband and father. I need someone who I look forward to seeing, someone who I can’t get enough of. He is really handsome and charming, but there is very little chemistry.

Then there’s the fact that we have each bought into different ideologies. We already have 3 unmentionable subjects between us: Politics, Religion and the French Foreign Legion. (No comment on the latter.) The point is that I have to think about myself and my happiness and I don’t think that he is contributing at all to it. I have considered that I might be acting very irrationally at the moment and do not wish to make a hasty decision, but I think that if, by the end of August things have not improved, I should break up with him. For both our sakes. Especially mine.

Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion, the romance, the excitement? I don’t think that Cancerion and Leo is a very good combination anyway. Besides, how can I be with one person while I am still dreaming of another every night? I don’t entertain any more childish notions that Mr. Taurus and I can ever be together. I think I’ve screwed that one up beyond repair. Pity. For the moment my fantasy land is trying to get me to acknowledge that the current situation is not working, regardless what my wishes are. As I am writing this, I am completely at peace and am thinking quite rationally. Perhaps I’ve made some sort of a breakthrough?

Now that I have committed myself to at least giving him until the end of August, I have also realised that I have to meet him halfway. Give him a fair chance. Therefore, from now on I will make an effort with him, if only till the end of the month. I have already had a really nice lunch with him and his family and things do seem to be improving slightly. I must not forget that, because I don’t see him all that often, it can be rather difficult to have a relationship under these conditions. So great, a nice day. Big Deal! Only time will tell whether or not this is going to work. What a hassle. I guess no one ever said it was going to be easy!

Here is a picture of the view off of my balcony. Look at my sunset!

A new beginning.

Sawabona!

Well, now that my Marilu is safely in Japan, I can go on with my life in sunny old South Africa. Someone should tell the sun, though, because it seems to have taken a vacation. Probably wise to get away too, since the flippin third world war is on our doorstep!

On a lighter note, my life is just peachy right now. I have no money, no job, no working cell phone and no car, but I do have a great new place to live and am dileriously happy. My new relationship is also going well. I'm taking it very very slowly. So right now, I'm just living my life the way I want to and enjoying every second of my new found freedom. Have also discovered that I have a lot of power over men. Don't worry, I won't be using it for evil. I'm not a man, I don't need to abuse power to feel alive!
I have no idea where that came from.
DOWN WITH PATRIARCHY!!!
Nor do I have any intention of defending that one...

Umm, ok. I guess I will be back when I have something of interest to say. And since I'm addicted to the internet, it won't be long until I grace you all with my magnificent presence once again. Fear not!

Ciao!

ROAR! said the Lion.

Today I am 25. Actually, when I say today, I mean this day on the 23rd of July. I don’t know when I’m going to get to post anything. Don’t have money for the Internet café. So what else is new? What a strange day. This weekend started off so badly. I organised a party on Friday - very badly! Everything went wrong from step one to step umm, well, the last one. Then of course, I hear that my old friend Mercury is in retrograde and we all know how that turned out the last time. Personally, I think Mercury is jealous of me somehow… Well, so when we arrived at the party, we were two hours late, the venue had been double booked, half of the people had already left and the few who remained only stayed long enough for me to chat with shortly and then left. I didn’t even have enough time to really talk to anyone. It feels like I collected presents and exchanged pleasantries and then had to move on to the next person, because everyone was demanding my attention. Then of course, Mr. Taurus is there and I almost have heart failure, because I’m so glad to see him, come especially for the party, so sweet. I know he wasn’t there just for me, but I would be lying if I said that when he’s in the room, I am not affected at all. In fact, I was too affected for my own good. I guess I’ll always think of him in terms of the future, when all things that seem impossible now, have a real chance of happening then. To the future! Anyway, it gets worse. My boyfriend, who was supposed to work and couldn’t come to the party, shows up to surprise me. Now, this handsome young Cancerion came into the picture just a few days before, when on his birthday, we went on a date and just ended up dating. He’s so wonderful and I want him to be very happy. He seems to think that I’m a goddess, so I’m just going to go with it and hope that he doesn’t wake up from that fantasy too soon. No one has ever wanted to date me. Most guys are just interested in sex or want me to read their mind to know how they are feeling. This man actually wants to spend time with me because he loves my mind and wants to just be with me. I AM SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS NEW SENSATION OF BEING NEEDED AND WANTED and let’s face it. It’s realistic because he’s willing and able to commit to me. He’s trying to slay the dragon! So, here is Mr Dragon slayer and Mr. Taurus at one party. I feel like I’ve betrayed Mr Taurus, even though I don’t owe him any allegiance more that friendship. I feel like I’m misleading Mr Dragon slayer, which I really was not. Maybe I was just so overwhelmed. The party was a train crash. I was on an emotional rollercoaster one minute and flat lining the next. I don’t know what I expected. Luckily, my friends were there, and I m so grateful to them for being in my life and not running away kicking and screaming from the crazy lady. Probably shouldn’t have gotten wasted to try and cope either. That might just have made it all worse. I had lots of fun in the end. And I was so glad it was over. And I was just freaking out way too much. Like, I thought I would be able to handle little things like this. Maybe before I turned 25 I just had to be irredeemably incapable for the last time. Thanks Mercury you cold hearted son of a bi-atch! So, today is my birthday and my boyfriend still hasn’t dumped me for being insane and indecisive. Maybe he likes his women crazy, I don’t know. I’m going to stop being a commitment phobe now. For this year, my wish is that I will be happy and successful and that I will be able to make my amazing friends and family very happy. I wish to discover new things about myself and the world and to live the inspiration. I have had wonderful examples and influences from the people I will just call my Royal advisors. As I am about to embark on a whole new chapter, I look back fondly, hoping that it was all worth it to get here and that I will never stop learning about and loving being alive. And never again will I be organising any parties, especially not for myself.
So, right now it is the day after my birthday and I must say that all things considered, it was wonderful. My new boyfriend treated me to wine, salad and bought me a present, which he was not supposed to do, since we had only been together for 4 days. He’s so incredibly sweet and I’m going to do my best not to screw it up with him. Also, I believe it is important to hold on to my individuality, because you cannot possess someone and you can definitely not allow anyone to possess you. I think I’m going to be fine. I’m an adult now and know a lot better. Tune in next time for some more developments!

Another day another dollar...

Ok, so the weeks been interesting, to say the least. I have found that at this moment in time, I am just super, thanx for asking! I'm extatic, really. I might be inlove, I might not, I'm in anticipation, I'm trying not to be, I'm being intellectually challenged in a way that I feel so incredibly intrigued by (have to write reviews for a theatrical festival, YEAH!), there's mystery in my life, there's excitement, there's new possibilities, there's uncertainties, YEAH!
I feel great, and to think, I've only got a few days before I'm 25 and I actually am happy. Yes, ME! I'm happy to be me and that is something I had to grow into. I suppose its the same as growing into a pair of shoes when you're 9.

Anyway, I'm about to be a quarter of a century old, and I feel FABULOUS! At peace, comfortable in my own body and in my headspace. I love me. Or maybe that's just the wine talking. You know, this life has so many possibilities and so many amazing people to share it with. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside................................................
I love my friends. You know who you are. Kindred Spirits. There are so few, but they are so wonderful if you can find them.

What a life.

I mean, I don't think anyone has so many issues and insecurities as I do. I just wish I could get over myself sometimes, and not wallow so much in self-pity. It's pathetic, really. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. There is so much of life that I still want to see, so many people that I still want to meet. Sometimes I feel as though my friends fail to see how scared I am and how much reassurance I need. Then, I snap back to reality and realise that I shouldn't be relying on other people's assurances.
I suppose its because I am an incredibly self-absorbed and vain drama Queen. Maby I'm being too hard on myself. Nobody asks me how I really am anymore. It's not that they don't care, I just don't think they are really interested. Maybe I just miss my Therapist, who used to listen to me go on like this for hours...
Somethimes I even get jealous of some of my friends. What a terrible thing to be envious of those you love! Am I making a mountain of a molehill? Has the Queen finally flipped her lid? Well, I think its just the stress of almost turning 25. On the 23rd of July. The countdown has officially begun and I'm getting a little nervous. I'm not about to go into another self-doubt session, I know that I'm going to be fine. It just helps to know that people love spending time with me, that I too have something to offer in the way of excitement! Am I boring? It's true that I have retreated a bit into myself in the last couple of months. Do people find it tiring to be with me? Don't they know that I just need some encouragement? Don't they want me to stay? I'm always leaving. Maybe someone should give me a reason to stay! Umm, ok, I think I've gone far enough. I like myself very much! I guess it would be nice if people showed me that they like me too, instead of .. well.. oh never mind! I have lost it after all.
At least I'm throwing the biggest birthday bash ever! I intend to go into maturity with a bang that will make the Earth resonate for months to come!

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Are you only half alive or have you always been this inarticulate?
I think that was Jewel.

I have to remember that I am a grown up now and that I am no longer allowed to pine over someone who it would only frustrate me to try and understand. I cannot read minds. If you do not tell me things, I cannot know them I am one. I am me. No one owns me. I am my own. If you want me, get in line and come and try to get me. Trust me, Im worth it. I love frequently and completely. I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe I will awaken from this dream and find myself alone and happily so, complete as I am now, and strong, and always willing to love. (Note that love does not necessarily imply sex). Those who have known the most love will appreciate it more than those who were afraid of it and never tried it. As of now, you can no longer hurt me. I am untouchable. I will allow you to try to win my heart, but never forget that I will always have the final say. Its my heart after all.

Todays song: Whats it called? Shes been everybody elses girl, maybe one day she will be her own, Tori Amos, the goddess.
I want to take this opportunity to give a shout out to my bestest buddy Marilu, who is leaving us for the beautiful East, in order to roam like a gypsy through the world, encountering places and people and experiencing life as a being that is fully conscious of all of its beauty. Born on Friday the 13th, this tall waif-like creature has left a deep impression on everyone who has ever known her and made herself absolutely unforgettable. Marymoo, you are the Fire Maya, you are the Metro-maia, the Mwayi-Ree-Lu, you are phenomenal. I love you so much.

I want to dedicate a song to you, but which one? There have been so many since Ive known you. Lets see … Moloko, it has to be Moloko. All of it. I can never listen to any of those CDs again without my thoughts instantly turning to you. Sayonara!

Belief is a full-time job...

The Most amazing thing has happened. I find myself completely at peace. Well, sort of. I’m supposed to be studying for my Sick Exam right now, but I’ll get to it. Just had to write something. I had to get it out of my head, for fear that I will explode if I don’t. The concepts of Truth and Beauty are discussed in Memnoch the Devil. This was the only one of the Vampire Chronicles that I hadn’t read yet, but am now making up for it. It goes very well with my current state of mind and supports what has been swimming around in my head ever since I read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Well, no, ever since I read Shakespeare. Ever since I heard Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for the first time. Ever since I read Paulo Coelho. Ever since I read Tom Robbins. How amazing is this world we live in? This reality, whatever it might turn out to mean, has infinite possibilities and magnificence. It has so much that it is almost too much for one soul to stand. That’s why we search for a partner - to share the sheer load of it all, all that Greatness.

In Memnoch, our hero - the Vampire Lestat, undergoes a journey into Heaven and Hell. Its sort of a Faustian situation that goes on, but I will not reveal too much, since I want people to go and read it. It takes modern and pre-modern concepts of God and the Devil and integrates it with what we understand as Darwinian Evolution. What is the point of it all? Why is it all happening? Why does God allow all of this suffering and evil things to exist? Anne Rice makes an excellent point and I really like what shes done with these ideas. I like that as I read, my faith is challenged around every turn of the page. I question what I know (or believe) and reinforce it with reason and logic and all those (not quite as fun as supernatural) things. Science VS Faith. Ive never thought that the two should be mutually exclusive.



I question my existence just like any person. What is my reason for being here? I dont believe in coincidence, I sort of believe in Destiny and Predetermination. So, whats the plan then? Can I ever know? Heres what I think: I believe that we are put on this Earth (each individual with his/her own capacity to understand and perceive) to endure whatever this world can throw at us. Some have it harder than others. I dont think its fair either, but no one ever said it was going to be fair. Each of us have different things to endure and overcome if, by the end of your life (which remains undeterminable) you have perceived enough to make up your own mind about things. Did you spend your time on Earth appreciating your time on Earth? Did you perceive all the Truth and Beauty and Revelation around you? Did you appreciate how amazing the whole of Creation is? Are you able to forgive others for the things they have done to you? Are you able to forgive God for putting you through the difficult things in your life and can you accept that He has His reasons and that in due time (at His discretion), you will know too? Can you forgive yourself for the things you have done to yourself and others? Can you draw acceptance out of all the Quintessential Beauty of Creation that is all around you if you look hard enough? Can you hear the answers and not necessarily like them, but still accept them and be at peace?

I believe that Love and everything that falls under it is the only way to do it. The nature of Love is very simple, I dont need to go into that. That is why, when you meet someone and spend time with them (if only for a short while) and they make the world a more beautiful place than it already is, is that not glorious? All I can offer as proof is my tiny bit of experience. As stated before, people come in and out of our lives and some leave more of an imprint than others. It feels wonderful to have my feelings acknowledged and it feels as if all is right with the world. It feels great to know I didnt imagine it all. It really happened! Confirmation. The potential of this life to continually surprise you is astounding. I didnt think it would ever happen to me for real! Even if it was short-lived - for the moment. Who know what the future will bring. I can draw so much strength from the fact that someone out there thinks Im amazing. They love me the way Ive always wanted to be loved and never dreamed possible. Getting confirmation that ones feelings for another is returned (even in some small way), is a little bit like what it must feel like to come to the end of your life and finding out that all you believe in and cling to - all of your Universal Truth - is real. Does that not redeem all the bad things? Is that not a sign that Good is triumphing over Evil? And what about those two? Are they mutually exclusive? What about balance? Ok, Ill stop now; this is getting out of hand! Too many questions and not nearly enough answers. I look forward to finding the answers, but Im willing to be patient for them. Time will reveal it all. All I have to do is to make sure that I can deal with the Truth when I am confronted with it.

While reading Memnoch, my beliefs were challenged quite often and I have to say, they hold up quite nicely. Im not worried. And meanwhile, Life goes on. I really should get a real job soon. Anyone need a good Editor or Publisher?

Patchess' big mention.

Here's my kitty Patches.
Isn't she sooooooooooo beautiful!?!
Her full name and title is Princess Patchess the Furry.

I love you my honey pie!!!

The Jonathan Livingston Seagull in me

On the way to the coast, the stupid bus broke down. Luckily this happened not far from the halfway stop and I could go for some real coffee while we waited for the replacement bus. The new bus had to be sent from Joburg and was 4 hours away. Yeah for real coffee! Before leaving for Ballito, I had an anxiety attack of sorts. I became convinced that I was going to die in a bus accident and never see anyone I loved ever again. Just when I started to drown in these somewhat irrational emotions, all my friends showed up and saved me from myself. Thanks guys! Thanks especially to Dandelion, who dropped everything and rushed over to my side when she heard I was upset.

Anyway, so while I was waiting for the bus (reading and drinking copious amounts of coffee), this dude came over to talk to me. He was very upset about the bus business and had obviously already had a few beers. I explained to him that it was better for them to delay us than us having an accident and that I was sure this was happening for a reason. He looked at me funny and asked how I could be so sure. I said (and realized it at that moment) that I had to believe it, otherwise my life had no meaning, that everything was connected and that there were no coincidences. He thanked me for being nice to him. Apparently no one had ever talked to him with so much respect before. I merely smiled and said that everyone deserves respect. Then he practically proposed marriage! I laughed it off, but he was quite adamant. He said that he is never going to find someone like me again and I said that he would be surprised at how many women like me there are. Again he insisted that I marry him and I said something along the lines of that men only want to possess women and that I have no desire to be possessed. I hope that didn’t sound too condescending, but he was starting to weird me out.
He did say that I had an inner-light; a warmth that was overwhelming to him. I must admit that this made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I was just happy to be alive and the thought that my life had meaning was a nice one. To think that just a few hours before, I was crying and being all irrational about this trip. I was not dead, but alive. And I was inspiring someone, making them feel better.
There is meaning to my life after all and I’ve realized that Life is what you make of it.

Ok, so much for part one of this story. Part two consists of something a little different. Everyone who knows me will be able to tell you that I drive myself crazy just out of pure enjoyment. Well, maybe not enjoyment, but generally it is the by-product of an under-stimulated mind. I’m not going to do that any more. And I’m not going to let others do that to me either. I really am not crazy. Just a little bored. I remain in control of my own mind. I am the Space-Monkey that has assumed command of this melon!
So, enter Mr. Taurus. There is nothing boring about Mr. Taurus. In fact, this handsome young male is in every way that I can see, absolutely beautiful. I really don’t know what to say about him, he’s probably going to laugh at me when he reads all about himself. What I can say is that I’ve known him for a while, though I don’t think I’ve ever really known him before. Not like this. Not that he’s a mysterious person by nature, just that there’s a lot there and it takes more than a moment to see it clearly. He is a Watcher and is Always Watching.
I’m so afraid of what he’ll see.
I don’t know what to call our little ‘romance’, it feels as if mere words are insufficient to describe it. Do I love him? Who knows what that is.. I love going to the beach with him, sharing all of that beauty with him. I love how on top of the world I feel, gazing out onto the horizon, knowing that he is right there, doing the same thing. I love when he takes my hand, I love when he kisses me. I love the way he smiles when he kisses me or when I kiss him. I’m kind of shy around him, but he is so cute about it, he makes me feel at ease with this amazing energy that he exudes. I love his smile and his hair. I love his head, it’s a good head. I love his eyes, I love his mouth, I love his laugh. I love his smell. I love how incredibly hot he is. I love his strength, which shines through in everything he does. I love his strong arms and I love when he takes me into them. I love that he understands what I’m saying, not a lot of people do. I love how he talks to people. I love that he loves my cat. I love how patient he is. I love how focused he is. I love getting wasted with him. Ok, I’m totally running away with this. The point I’m trying to make is that he is amazing. Sometimes I catch myself listening to songs and thinking of him. Then of course, I stop, because I’m being ridiculous. My inner-Sakura says NO! I’m leaving, right?

I’ve never considered geography a major factor between friends, but between lovers it is quite devastating. Suffice it to say that I live far away from him and therefore, cannot allow myself to even think along the lines of love, whatever that is.. Ever since I got here, it’s been like an emotional rollercoaster for me and I have changed my mind about this so many times. I have also re-drafted this entry several times. I don’t even know what is going on inside his head, I can only imagine that he … never mind, I’m not going to venture a guess. Every time I decide that it would be best to just leave it be, he shows up being so damn cute and irresistible. I’m so weak! When I got here with my infamous big mouth, I said something stupid like ‘I wouldn’t mind getting my heart broken, just to know what it feels like’. Yeah, I wasn’t serious! But of all of the stupid things I say, this is the one that the Universe responds to. The irony kills me! I dare not think along those lines though, because I’m leaving pretty soon and the last thing I need is to be in love with someone who lives far away. Not that I’m at all saying that this is love. I’m going to stop saying that now. I’m going to miss him so much. I wish this could go on, so that I would have time to show him who I really am. Right now, I’m just showing him the tip of the iceberg, because I don’t want to waste the little time we have with things like that. Which things?
I’m very much in-like. He’s very easy to fall for, because he is so amazing. I know he likes me too, of that much I’m pretty sure. He’s always stuck me as a decent guy who wouldn’t fake it with someone just for the sake of some fun. I’m sure he really wants to be there. Of course, the record shows me to be a very poor judge of character, since I am so very gullible. (I prefer Trusting).
Nevertheless, I would hate to be wrong about this one.
Frau Frau understands me. So does Jonathan Davis as well as the Foo Fighters.

It is complicated, as it always is. We’re never alone much, but when we are, I really enjoy him. I am having fun. I won’t say though, that whatever is going on is merely fun. For it to be that, I should not care about him like this at all. We come with a little bit of history.. I respect and revere him too much for it to mean absolutely nothing to me. I’m enjoying his company so much. What’s that song? ‘..and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you..’
The flip side is that I have my life to whip into shape and he is just starting a new life somewhere far away from me. I want both of us to be happy and whole - Not pining for something far away - that would only be a half-life. He is so strong in life and I have learnt a lot from him, though I’m sure he is unaware of it. You see, I’ve always been a Watcher too. And I’ve been watching him constantly. Maybe it’s because I’m reading Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, that the idea of being a watcher is such a powerful one to me. To watch and to learn and to understand the bigger picture: the nature of nature.
One of the most thrilling experiences is to be seen seeing; To be watched watching; To be observed observing. I feel naked, like there is nowhere I can hide. What do I represent, what do I do? What does he want from me, what does he expect? Who knows! What do I expect? Why can I not say these things to him? Maybe I’m a better writer than a speaker. Maybe I’m a weenie. Maybe I’m afraid of what he’ll say. Maybe I’m afraid of what he won’t say. Maybe I’m not afraid at all, just smart. When writing, I have time to reflect on what I am really feeling and to not drown in irrational initial reactions. I hate – no - detest fear and uncertainty.

Communication has always been hard for me face to face, because I never know what people expect from me. I don’t even know what I expect from myself. Maybe I do.. Maybe disappointing myself is the worst thing that could happen. If I disappoint myself, maybe I lose all the self-respect I have fought so hard to gain. My ivory-tower is fragile yet.. Anyway, I am drifting from the point. Or am I? Maybe I am truly nearing the point for the first time. People come in and out of your life and the only really consistent one is You yourself. We should all learn to appreciate the amazing people we meet and remember them when they are gone. Honoring their memory - so to speak..
Maybe I do love Mr. Taurus. Maybe I always have and that is why he is still allowed in my life. Maybe I am only noticing his true brilliance now. This romantic spirit of mine would love nothing more than the drama involved in being in love with someone I cannot have, but my new rational, grown-up side realizes that I am lucky to have had what I do and I can draw a lot of strength from that.
I’ve always believed that nothing is stronger than Love, whatever that is.

Adventures of Ree in the land of dust.

There goes the neighbourhood!

So, Im off to the coast to regain my sanity. I didnt get to write my last exam that was on 666. I got a sick-note. I know what you are thinking, but I assure you, I didnt have to fake any illness, Im really sick. It certainly doesnt help that the block across from me is getting demolished to make way for progress and the eventual Gautrain-station. Theres so much light now…
Demolition is no laughing matter. Not caring that people who live in the area are most likely students, hellishly studying for the June Exams, they have been a-demolishing happily from 07h00-21h00 every day for the last 3 weeks, only taking a much deserved break on Sundays. It looks like a war zone out there and sounds like you are constantly under fire! The dust is everywhere and it is no wonder that everyone is coming down with chest-area sicknesses. No one can breathe properly and I wish I had a mask to walk around with. The noise is really getting to me too. Its grating. I tremble even when Im not in the flat. I'm sick and the anti-biotics are killing me; hormonal; sleep-depraved; Exam ridden; seriously in panic because I have only 1 month left to find another place to live and a job to pay the rent; my flatmate and I are clinging to hope of release while trying not to take our frustrations out on each other; I havent seen my cat or my parents in a long time and seriously lack something or someone to be fascinated with.
Stinks, huh? Would it surprise you in anyway to find out that I dont think Ive ever been happier in my entire life?
Im finally learning to like myself and to come to terms with things that Ive never been able to before. I think that Ive reached a certain plateau of emotional maturity. I used to think that everything that is wrong was my own fault and consequently, was very hard on myself. I supposed Ive accepted that life is not always fair. Now, I know I dont have it so bad, but I'm also done comparing myself to other people. I cannot live my life like that. I can't constantly be assessing what I have and what others have. It would drive me insane and keep me from doing the things I set out to do. Who am I? Do you really want to know?
Just kidding. The point is that I know who I am and I refuse to listen to other opinions on the matter. Certain people are fond of having such opinions and imposing them on me. I'm also done blaming myself for relationships that don’t work out, when I clearly was the one NOT at fault. Its true that I have many issues, but at least I dont make them those of other people! Hey, Tim? Anyway, so now I live in what I have affectionately come to call: Chechnya-all-over-again. Jansie, Margaux and I have decided to document this blessed event, which is undeniably, the end of an era. The following are pictures of what is going on outside my flat in the middle of Hatfields’ busiest street - Burnette street. I think every old-Hatfieldite can appreciate this, since it has been a part of Hatfield reality for many years. Notice the somewhat victorious destruction of Recess and Times 4, which have been Sodom& Gomorra for as long as Ive lived here. Poor little Katja cutie-pooh is having a tough time with the noise and shakes too!
Destruction? carnage? Bwah-ha-ha! What a great time to be moving!
Your Queen will be on holiday at a really pretty and quiet beach until the 23rd, where the only sounds I will hear is that of the ocean - which may or may not be trying to kill me. Lots of fun to be had and never a dull moment. WATCH THIS SPACE!

And I declare this, My Independence Day.

I decided today that I am going to stop being so dependent on everyone else. Not because the world has taught me that you cannot count on them. I realise that all people cannot be trusted, I'm not that naive! Plenty of the people that I know can be relied upon for anything!
The point is that I've decided that I am strong and capable. I can depend on myself, because I am able to in most cases. I'm obviously not including extreme circumstances in my little scenario. Maybe I just needed to realise my own worth, my own strength. Maybe I have. Just to stop being so in need of guidance all the time! I'm almost 25 years old for Pete's Sake! Time to grow up!

I am being too hard on myself, I know. My therapist maintains that that is the root of all my problems. Whatever.. I have ree-assumed command of this mind.

It's all about control and confidence.


I'm going away for a little while. Visit the folks down in Ballito.



My studpid friend Grt made a stupid joke about something so damn stupid,
and now I'm obsessing over it.

Thanks alot for putting these ideas into my head, Grt!

Grrr!

The end?

What if I died tomorrow?
I’ve been very emotional lately and I cannot fight the feeling that the world is going to end. What if there were no tomorrow? What if today was my last day on Earth?
What would I have wanted my last day to include? I realise that I have 9 days left before my Exams are officially over for this semester and I should probably focus on those 9 days than on just one day… But this is an especially important day we’re talking about. If I die, this blog would never receive a new entry, but would exist up to my last entry most likely forever! I realise that I must sound very silly sometimes, going on and on about things that don’t really matter. In the end, I guess I decided that what others think of me isn’t as important as what I think of me. I am conflicted as to my own identity and this is manifested in the way I approach life. If I had more self-confidence, I could take over the world. Grrr…Arggh! I have recently become aware of my own strength and have surprised myself with the sheer magnitude of it, flowing through me like electricity.
Now, If I died tomorrow, I would like the following things known about me. I am Ree. I believe in Love and that God is Love. It is energy that encompasses everything. That is why Love is stronger than EVERYTHING and ANYTHING out there. I belief that everything that Love entails and requires of a person are what should be considered good values. I belief that people make mistakes and will continue to do so. The only way to progress past this point is to learn from your mistakes and get over them, becoming stronger and better in the process. I believe that you can learn something from everyone that comes across your way. I believe that in retrospect, everything becomes clearer and we are able to see why things happen the way they do. I believe in the innate goodness of everyone and am saddened by the realisation that you cannot trust everyone. There are bad people out there that want to harm you, so be vigilant and stick to your principles. I believe that Integrity is one of the most important qualities a person can have and that it must never be called into question. You must always preserve your integrity. I believe that when you love, you must do so with every fibre of your being, even when it seems unrealistic or impossible. I believe we must forgive, even if it seems unlikely. I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in building people up, not breaking them down. I believe in peace, but at the same time, that we should fight for what is right. I do not believe that violence is the only option in a fight. I believe in predetermination, but also that we construct our own realities. This is possible because of Free Will, which is the most amazing thing. I think God gave us Free Will because He/She loves us like a parent loves his/her children: so much that we are trusted to choose for ourselves what our path will be. LOVE; TRUST; RESPECT; HONOUR; TRUTH; BEAUTY; FREEDOM. This is the legacy that such a relationship instils in us. I believe that there are many roads to a specific destination, with different lessons and adventures in each.
I Love my parents, and my brother. I love my family. My friends, I love you as well. Everyone whom I have ever called a friend can rest assuredly that I do not throw this term around carelessly. If I considered you a friend, I gave you the time of day, and thus there can be no question that I loved you dearly. I regret that I have never been in love, it is something that I have always been curious about. Even though I get discouraged sometimes, I’ve never really doubted the existence thereof. I believe that the soul-mates hypothesis is overly-simplistic. There is no ONE. There are many Potentials and it is up to us to explore that potential and make something out of it.
The secret of life is to bet everything you have and are on what you believe to be true beyond a showdown of doubt. That is your validation, that is you universal truth, your purpose, your reason for being. I believe that Heaven has everything really really great and that Hell has everything really really crap.
I love this planet, I love all of Creation, I love that everything is interconnected and that everything has a purpose. I love cats and animals in general. I love the internet! I love music and books and learning things.
I believe that I will see everyone I love in Heaven and that I will know them immediately, and be able to spend eternity with them.

In the event that I don't die tomorrow, this will all seem a little silly, but I would hate for it to be too late to say these things. Thus, let the record show that there once lived a Ree and she knew what Love was. Or at least, thought she did. I can here Jim Morrison now: 'This is the end ...'
I still maintain that I want to be reincarnated as The colour Violet.

Atlas shrugged

She carried the world on her shoulders, every muscle tensing up under the pressure. She had no other responsibility but to keep the enormous globe from falling. Crumbling beneath its weight, she stood in the garden, barely managing to stand upright. Heavy. Gigantic. World crushing me! Sense of responsibility – let no harm come to that which is in your charge! Cannot drop it, must not drop it. Hold on, this is your validation! Your reason for being! You are so used to carrying your burden anyway, it has become part of your frame. Your posture has gone all screwy. She can remember that it used to be perfect, like a Ballerina. Now, her shoulders and neck and arms are so used to bracing itself and her spine has grown to support her head as it supports the world. Mine and mine alone…

“You know you can’t keep this up forever, right?” came the Voice.
She looks around, not able to discern where it came from. Somewhere… up in the trees perhaps.. She can’t see that far up, the globe on her shoulders is blocking her view.
“Why don’t you let it go?” the Voice says again.
“I can’t let it go!” she replies into the nothing, “I am responsible for it”.
She walks around a bit, partly to stretch her sore muscles, partly to find the owner of the mysterious voice. As she walks, she balances the world, taking it this way and that. She tries to shift the weight a bit to here and then to there. Just a little bit of relief would be nice.
“Just a little bit of relief would be nice, wouldn’t it?” the Voice says again.
It startles her. Can the Voice read her mind?
“Where are you?” she says and then “Who are you?”
Silence.
Then, “I am everywhere and all things. You can see me anywhere you look, if you try hard enough”.
She sighs. “If that is so, I shall never see you. I don’t have a moment to try and see anyone, I have this globe to carry and it is making me tired”.
It was as if she could feel the Voice smiling kindly. She did not fear it.
“Why don’t you let someone else hold it for you?” came the Voice again.
She thought about it for a moment. “No, I do not trust anyone else not to drop it. What if they don’t care enough to protect it? No, it must be my burden alone!”
“Why do you care so much?” the Voice asked.
She didn’t answer.
“You could try to put it down somewhere” the Voice volunteered after a while.
She shook her head, causing the globe to bounce a bit. She recovers from the strain and it goes still again. “I have to keep it in the air, its how this works’. She looked very sad as she said this.
“Perhaps you could put it up in a tree?”
She looks around at all the trees. “That might work - it will have to be a very strong tree, with lots of thick branches…”
She goes in search of a tree. After hours, she finds the perfect one. It is huge, the biggest one she has ever seen. Its branches are thick and look strong. It was the kind of tree that gave off lots of shade. “Here” she says, “But how will I get it up there?”
“You could throw it” the Voice said.
“I don’t think so, what if I miss?” She was getting discouraged.
“Here” says the Voice. As she watches, a ladder appears. It was tall and very sturdy looking. She smiles and starts climbing using only one hand, as the other one balances the globe on her shoulders. About halfway up, she becomes afraid of dropping it and freezes. “What if I fall and drop it?”
“You won’t, just keep going’, prompted the Voice. It keeps encouraging her as she climbs higher and higher. She finally reaches the top and selects the perfect spot to place her charge. She carefully puts it down and almost loses her balance as she stands up straight again. She is not used to the absence of pressure. She stretches out a bit and takes a deep breath. “Climb down now” says the Voice happily.
“No, I don’t want to climb. I want to fly” she says with tears in her eyes.
“Why don’t you jump?” the Voice says as a net appears below her, “I’ll catch you”.
She looks down. It is very far to fall.
“Do you want to say goodbye first?”
“No” she smiles, “I know the world will be safe now. And I am free. Free to pursue other things”. Slowly, she falls forward. Falling and falling, down and down and down, the wind rushing up against her. She falls straight into the net and bounces around for a little while. As she lays there, catching her breath, the Voice speaks again, “What are you going to do now?”
She gets up and stretches out again, enjoying the virtual weightlessness completely. “I guess I’ll do whatever I want…” Giggle giggle.
“And what is that?”
“I don’t know” she shrugs, “I guess I’ll find that out as I go along”. She starts running. On and on and on she runs - embracing the future, paying homage to the past and for the present? Who knows… Perhaps she will return one day, but for now, she is free and can be whoever she wants to be.

Like a virgin.....oo!

So, my week has been crazy. I met a guy this weekend who really sparked my imagination. I know what you're thinking... here we go again. I doubt that anything will come of it, though. I'm not exactly your average fairytale princess, am I? Oh, I'm not dissing myself, I'm just saying that things like the yukky-love crap never really works out for me. And I'm so sick of this subject. Spent last week quite miserably searching for something to distract me from the realisation that I don't feel anymore. That I don't engage anymore with this world. Blah! A couple of days later, I spent an hour crying my heart out in my Therapist's office about not being able to cry any more. What a nut-job!
Anyway, so I'm studying for the exams. Got a distinction for my visual communication study of feminism. Yeah! And I'm learning a lot about film history. Can't wait to see Citizen Kane! When I was much younger, this is embarrasing, I has the biggest Jones for Orson Welles. I used to dream about becomming Mrs. Welles....OK, moving on.

My flatmate and her new boyfriend are making me ill with their own special brand of yukky-love crap. I hope this one stays, he's kinda growing on me, eventhough I was suspicious of him in the beginning. When am I going to have a life? When will I stop living through the experiences of others!
I'm just being melodramatic, I really like my life and the semi-independent shell I've constructed around it. My heart is a virgin. It remains intact, even after many close-calls.
One day I hope to have graduated to a frame of reference that does not include wondering why I'm about to be 25 and still single. Lets hope its tomorrow.

Finally decided what to do after I finally finish studying... Drumroll please!
I'm going to go live in the U.K. Publishing is big there and I've always wanted to go. Besides, If I leave before January 2008, I will be gone for 2 years (more than enough time) and be back in time for January 2010. I have to be back in S.A. for 2010, its going to be super terrific!
Is that a great idea, or is that a great idea?

Where did all the birdies go?

Does anyone know the story about the Strilitzias?

As I remember it (and this should by no means be taken as reliable),
the Strilitzias were once birds.
The noisy, sqauwking kind. Now, I think what happened was that they pissed off this Magician and he turned them into flowers as punishment. Does anyone know how it goes?

Nice girl seeking nice boy. Really.

Things are going very slow at the moment. All I really have to do is to study for the exam in June, which is only in June, which is still almost half a month off. It has been brought to my attention that I am suspicious of every new person I meet. Especially men. Ok, so maybe I have a few trust issues, but after High school I was really disillusioned! My best friend was the most popular girl in school and I forever in her shadow. The Sidekick. Traumatic as that was for me, nothing could ever compare to the disappointment that I had with men. Those who weren’t trying to get to my best friend through me, dated me for a while and cheated on me with good friends of mine. That excludes the boys that told me whatever I wanted to hear just to get into my pants. Obviously, I’m better off without them, but do not for a second think that I have emerged unscathed from this experience. I mistrust people’s (especially men’s) intentions.

Ok, so I admit that I was never an innocent little angel and I do concede that maybe it was easier to get in my pants than say, 40% of other girls my age. (I made that figure up so don’t take me literally!) And I was also very naïve. Guess I still believed in the whole happily ever after, soul-mates hogwash. Fell way too quickly. I did have a lot of good times too, though! I was popular by association! Since High school, I have changed a lot. I like to think that I have grown into a person of some substance. I’ve had to learn that there are very few really nice people on this Earth. That’s why you should appreciate the ones that are such rare and amazing people. People just cannot be trusted too quickly. I never wanted to live in a world where you cannot trust anyone, so it makes me very sad. Do you know how many guys look my way, trying to catch my eye and I just look away? I just evade and avoid. No wonder I’m single! I’m not willing to give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt. I’m convinced that most guys are scumbags, and so are most of my friends. I’m afraid to be used, abused, lied to, misused, date raped, the list goes on!

Is there not something wrong here? Guys, please! Stop being such bastards! I realise that you are all confused as to your new position in society what with changing media portrayal of modern male sociologically determined conventions and everything, but give me a break! Just be decent! Don’t lie, cheat, use, abuse or go unwashed from one poor woman to the next. Don’t you know that women are mystical? Don’t you know that you are making yourself very hard to trust? Are there ANY decent guys left? That aren’t gay or already married? (Married guys who try to pick you up are gross). I can count the amount of really decent guys I know on one hand. Maybe there should be a website on which you can report a low-life scumbag, so that other women can be warned. We should have the same for men too, because there are plenty of evil women out there.

It was Mothers Day on Sunday. I would love to be a mother one day. A woman bears a child with all her might. That’s magical. As I said, I would love to have a child one day. Maybe two. My daughter will be just as insane as I am, as my Mother before me and my Grandmother before her. We come from a long line of consistently insane and domestically challenged women. It would be an honour to pass on these delightful genes. My daughter, who I will name Maya - after the ancient civilisation and the bee, will be raised with the knowledge that all men and women are created equal. I believe that gender roles are merely a consequence of social conditioning. I refer here to the writings of Margaret Mead. Young Maya will be overloaded with knowledge and positive moral values. I’m much more spiritual than religious, so I will teach and encourage her to be open-minded. I want my baby t take on the world. She will be my little vanity project. I wouldn’t mind having a son, either. I’ll raise him to be the perfect man. They say that there is a gene for open-mindedness. If this is true, don’t you think that it is our duty as progressive people to pass on our good genes to future generations? To not only ensure the survival, but also the progression of the human species, thus aiding evolution in taking a giant leap forward. Or something like that. You can tell that I’ve been thinking about this, can’t you? I would love to bring a life into this world. I would adopt too, since it is a wonderful thing to do for yourself and for someone else. If you have the right intentions, that is..

Of course, I won’t be ready to become a mother for at least another 7 years. I’m still a child myself and I need to be a grownup before I can subject someone else to me. Plus, even though I am planning on being 100% capable of raising a child by myself, it would be best if I had a consistent father-figure/sperm-donor/monkey for the kid. It would also help if said father-figure were my significant other. I’m rather traditional where things like that are concerned. I thought I was pregnant the other day, but it was only me being irrational again. There was really NO WAY I could’ve gotten a bun in the oven, really! I have a habit of suddenly believing something, convincing myself completely and running away with the idea. Can you see why I can’t procreate yet?

My mother is a wonderful woman. She’s kind, gentle, funny, naughty, fun, adventurous, caring, smart and capable. These are things that I want to be so badly for my children. A truly delightful person, who is wonderful to have a conversation with. Very evasive though, like me. My mom is also an unrelenting optimist. I must have gotten it from her. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the silver-lining, but my mom knows just where to look. I sometimes worry about her, stuck with my Dad and Brother, who are silly old Pessimists. That’s why I make an effort when I’m down there to do girly things with her, that I know they are not thinking about. At least they got her flowers this year.